to think we need roadwork noises piped into female toilets

[SlightlyJaded]

I know we are supposed to be 'woke' and not give a shit (yes yes) about the fact that we are humans who need to poo and wee sometimes, but honestly.... I am not able to freestyle in the loo at work and never will be.

I try, at all costs, to avoid poo-ing anywhere but home, but even find myself gripping and releasing my wee in small incidental drops in order to avoid making a waterfall of wee sound at work.

And the whole - oh someone just came in - I'll flush now so they don't think I have been in here forever quietly doing a poo even though I've been doing a wee and it's actually legal to do a poo....

And the absolute inability to release any wind even though i would be much more comfortable and holding it in means that I have to wee in even smaller increments than if I didn't need to.

And I know I am not alone because whenever I go to the loo at work and other stalls are occupied, everyone is pretty much silent in their business.

I would welcome a loud soundtrack of road excavations and running water being constantly played via individual sonos speaker in each loo, thus freeing everyone to wee and fart and do whatever they needed to do without having to then avoid making eye contact whilst doing over-vigourous hand washing as though you are going into surgery so that your colleague knows that your hygiene is tip-top.

Haha I mean shut

The co-op plays soothing noises while you pee

Suggest it (probably anonymously) to your company. I imagine they will have efficiency targets to meet; this will reduce the time spent by employees waiting for the opportune moment to drop torpedo, thus increasing efficiency.

As a stretch target for efficiency, play baby shark etc through the speakers. People will rush through the motions to avoid it.

It's my biggest panic... I don't even feel comfortable pooing at my parents when I go home at lunch time. I'm now a bit like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, I have it down to scheduled poo times most days lol

No wonder the queues for ladies toilets are always so long!

Wear AirPods or similar when you’re in the toilet. Then you have no idea if anyone else can hear and you can’t hear them either. The ostrich head in the sand approach. It’s what I do in public toilets.

@Smemorata I teach and our toilets are unisex AND we share with our students - nightmare!

That's ludicrous. It leaves you wide open to safe guarding allegations

No wonder the queues for ladies toilets are always so long

Exactly!

You lot need more fibre. Then you'd go regardless. When I need to go, I need to go. DH on the other hand holds it in all day and goes when he comes home. Can't be good for him.

You lot need more fibre. Then you'd go regardless. When I need to go, I need to go.

How is that remotely possible to manage in a normal life situation? If you can't hold your bowels for a reasonable amount of time, what do you do in a plane due to take off, in the tube, on a bus, on the school playground...

I am sure you will answer that you don't take the tube, but many of us do.

Or the mad hope that you can wash your hands and leave before somebody comes in and suspects it was you that made the toilet smell (whether it was you or not!).

@SlightlyJaded Feel for me OP, there isn't any hand dryers in our staff toilets

I just go when I need to go. No hang ups here.
However, I remember once when I was in a rather fancy restaurant and I needed a wee. A posh looking middle age woman had gone in the toilets a few seconds before I did.
I was mid way through a wee when this massive trombone sound came from the posh woman's cubicle. I was like 😮
I was dying to ask her when the rest of the orchestra were turning up.

@ByeFeliciaa

I am sorry to hear this. But just reinforces the need for my soundscape.

If I was technical, I would fashion a remote control for the dryer and turn it on and off from inside the cubicle as and when I anticipated the need for coverage.....

Yes OP i totally get where your coming from. Whenever possible I avoid using public toilets and only poo at home. On the very rare occasion I needed to poo at work I used to fold toilet paper and put in the toilet so it kinda caught it without splashing. I recommend heavy metal music blaring out to hide toilet noises

Yabu even lightheartedly, some people do not have access to flushing lavs, and the use of woke is very irritating.

Ahh I have found my people!!!!

I have to run the tap when I pee at work because I’m so shy about people hearing the perfectly innocent sound of my urine entering the toilet bowl. Almost die of shame when a big fart slips out while peeing that I got no warning of. Sometimes you feel them coming.

My body simply doesn’t allow me to do a number 2 at work. Had horrible upset stomach all week last week and it just wouldn’t happen but as soon as I’m home she let’s rip.

I don't get it. You're having a poo nothing wrong with that.
When I need to go I go. Rather that than agonising stomach cramps or being scared to fart in case you follow through.
I guinely don't understand why it's such a massive deal.

i don't get it. You're having a poo nothing wrong with that.

There’s another thread on here right now about people who won’t even poo in their own en suite. People are nuts.

There’s another thread on here right now about people who won’t even poo in their own en suite.

and rightly so, they don't want the smell of poo in their bedroom and advocate using the separate toilet that exists in the house.
I find it very weird that given the choice, you would chose the room where you shower and brush your teeth

You sound like the sort of person who’d get up and go to a different room just to have a fart

Nothing to contribute to this thread other than that I am in absolute hysterics.

Take in your own bluetooth speaker. Easy to conceal in your handbag so, on exit, no-one will guess that you are the real source of the sound of roadworks. Alternatively, brazen it out and play the Hallelujah Chorus at the appropriate moment.

You need the toilets like they have in Japan. They have privacy buttons with volume buttons next to them. Press the button and you either get some calming music or some white noise effect which you can turn up and down as required.

@Rosebel There are always lots of people on threads like this telling everyone that they are ridiculous, and good for you for being so comfortable.

But

I am late forties, freelancer who has worked in many many places in my life and you are definitely in the very small minority. In all the loos in all the office buildings in all the time I have worked, I think I have heard someone break wind twice. Poo - not within living memory, and gushing wee hardly ever (a bit more with the wee one in public loos: cinema/shopping mall etc where you are anonymous).

There are definitely millions of us squeezing and releasing in time with the hand dryer so, yeah, I'm still voting for the piped sound effects :)

How is that remotely possible to manage in a normal life situation? If you can't hold your bowels for a reasonable amount of time, what do you do in a plane due to take off, in the tube, on a bus, on the school playground

I didn't mean I can't hold it in, I meant that there is no way that the lack of music or embarrassment or people hanging around outside would stop me. I generally go like clockwork every morning after breakfast at home. But if I needed to go in the day, I'd need to go, I'd be too uncomfortable if I hung on until the dryer went on.