to think we need roadwork noises piped into female toilets

[SlightlyJaded]

I know we are supposed to be 'woke' and not give a shit (yes yes) about the fact that we are humans who need to poo and wee sometimes, but honestly.... I am not able to freestyle in the loo at work and never will be.

I try, at all costs, to avoid poo-ing anywhere but home, but even find myself gripping and releasing my wee in small incidental drops in order to avoid making a waterfall of wee sound at work.

And the whole - oh someone just came in - I'll flush now so they don't think I have been in here forever quietly doing a poo even though I've been doing a wee and it's actually legal to do a poo....

And the absolute inability to release any wind even though i would be much more comfortable and holding it in means that I have to wee in even smaller increments than if I didn't need to.

And I know I am not alone because whenever I go to the loo at work and other stalls are occupied, everyone is pretty much silent in their business.

I would welcome a loud soundtrack of road excavations and running water being constantly played via individual sonos speaker in each loo, thus freeing everyone to wee and fart and do whatever they needed to do without having to then avoid making eye contact whilst doing over-vigourous hand washing as though you are going into surgery so that your colleague knows that your hygiene is tip-top.

When you need a poo, put a couple of sheets of loo roll in first, will deaden the 'splosh'. If there's some gas to release, put a wad of paper right up to your bum and fart into it, it will also reduce the noise!

You need to practise until you can do everything you need to do in the time it takes for the toilet to flush.

@stuckinthemiddlewithtwats people on their mobile in the toilets is a very good reason to let one rip IMO! :)
I hope you lot never suffer from IBS!

THIS

The daily game of chicken with the silent stalls around you as you desperately hope one of them is just doing a quick wee and will flush to mask your unearthly sounds

weeps

Count yourself lucky to have cubicles, where i work we only have one toilet for men and one for women so if you are a long time everybody knows. I'm the only woman and the men will use my toilet if the other is occupied.

'muffle'

and @Raindropsandspaceships That is amazing. I'm going to start doing this kind service. Although, I can imagine that it might have the reverse effect... Hurry the fuck up!

This used to be me. One day I used the work loos and heard a colleague with terrible IBS (she told me). I thought if she can fart and poo like noones business then so am I. I never had a problem going, since.

Public toilets in Japan are a thing of wonder. Heated seats are amazing. They have multiple buttons to drown out the sounds including waterfall and whooshing type noises and even classical music!

The Japanese had these years ago. I wish we could catch up!

I'm always impressed by women who march in, sit down and have a massive gushing wee without a care in the world.

I'm not so bothered about weeing, but there is always the worry of an accidental fart slipping out as you squeeze the last bit out. I'm the same when we have people staying at home and I need to wee in the middle of the night. At least I can run the tap then.

I agree it is utterly pathetic, but can't help the way I'm made.

Oh God yes - best idea ever! I was at a gig last night, bursting for a wee. Lovely but slightly inebriated woman in the queue behind me decides to strike up a conversation, which was bad enough in itself, and then carry on chatting while I was in the (only) cubicle, so of course my shy bladder decided that it couldn't go and I had to go through the whole charade of flushing, washing my hands etc., still bursting, go back to my seat and wait until the end of the flipping gig.

Yes, this is what I assume is going on when all the cubicles are occupied but silent. Everyone is waiting it out, hoping to hear flushing/handwashing/handdrying and then, oh joy, the door opening and closing.

I just assume they're all on their phones!

You can get toilets that do fake flushing noises to drown out sound effects. The other tacyic is to flush at a particular crescendo

When I was pregnant I was horribly sick and had awful wind. I didn't feel self-conscious once I got a bump because I felt it was self explanatory but the early days were awful!

I teach and our toilets are unisex AND we share with our students - nightmare!

While in Japan, I noticed that the toilets have a variety of noises. You can choose to play music, listen to water swishing, birds chirping etc. There is also a button to heat the toilet seat. I used to spend ages just sitting there enjoying the warmth and music

I never worry about wee sounds but I've chatted to my friends while on the loo. Never worried about poos either tbh just a bit of tissue in first

I had a dear (now late) elderly great aunt - & she told me that when she was working as a cook for the rescue/clearance men (re bomb site et al) because of possibility of bombing her friend use to leave loo door open (people were killed by pressure so there was a sound reason for this) to make sure no men came near the lady use to sing "onward Christian soldiers" at the top of her voice... images in head of op looking up you tube for words & tune

I work in a small pharmacy shop - a very, very small shop. The toilet is off the office - which is 6 foot by 5 foot - has a desk, a chair and the door to the shop and the door to the toilet. There is always someone in the office manning the phone.

I hate going to the loo.

i completely agree. i have a shy bowel. it's extremely inconvenient. and i've been next door to some shocking rippers that i could have lived without also.

Very fortunate i work in an office where our toilets are all individual rooms with toilet, sink and an air freshener.
Hated it when i had to go sit in our old officer occasionally as there it was standard cubicles, had to flush and so my business at the same time to hide noise etc

I think I love you, OP.

I also wash my hands like I'm about to perform heart surgery after a wee. Even though I probably haven't touched anything other than clean loo roll and my own jeans....

And this nonsense is why women can’t go to the loo at the theatre - there isn’t time in the interval because of all you ridiculous people waiting for the right moment. FFS we all know what you are doing, you’re in the fucking toilet. Grow up for goodness sake.

I couldn't even shit the door in the aeroplane toilet so the flight attendant stood in front of it for me lol