To be angry with my aged parents

[TheoneandObi]

It's nearly 1am and I'm in a trolley queue with DF Who has fallen badly. We're going to be here all night. I told DM to stay home and get some sleep. No point two of us being knackered. DF is here because he fell. More specifically because he has refused to move or so any physio or exercise for years. Consequently no strength in legs and now disabled. Both parents have refused to hire carers and I'm losing count of the number of times I am called to help. I've tried so hard to patiently (then less patiently) tell them they need help. But oh no 'we don't want strangers in our house'. Now he's fallen and I think he'll have to be admitted because the ambulance crew remarked that there was no support at home. DM is strong and fit but 79.
Why won't they be sensible??? Arghhhh.
I know I'm being unreasonable. But I'm angry that they have refused to
Listen to sensible advice and ploughed on because they always know best. My life has been dominated by phone calls and falls and emergencies and breaking up horrible arguments between them and I'm fed up and tired and tied or not being listened to.

This is your opportunity to get help. You want him to be admitted. Then make it clear there’s inadequate care at home so they can’t discharge him without a care package.

You are not being unreasonable

Yes I think that is the silver lining in this situation. It would be good for parents too... proper hospital bed downstairs, carers 4 times a day to clean and toilet dad safely. We may even get him out in a wheelchair between those visits. But he's a heavy man and I've had enogh if trying to shift him when he's fallen and is semi dressed

OP this is your chance to tell Adult Social Services that you can’t support your parents

YANBU at all to be angry.

I hope you get home soon.

“ My life has been dominated by phone calls and falls and emergencies and breaking up horrible arguments between them and I'm fed up and tired and tied or not being listened to.”

Tell them that they’re your parents and it’s still their duty to be decent to you even now you’re not a child.

Sadly this is common. Having strangers come into your house is hard and many people resist it. But this could be a way for him to be forced to get help. Make sure you tell whoever is doing the assessment that you are not there to help.

The only other point is your parent refusing to move. Is there a reason for this? Could he be in pain, or depressed?

You will need to alert the hospital's social work team and work towards getting your dps the care they need over their protestations that they're 'perfectly fine and can manage' on their own.

Is it your df or dm who's most resistant to having 'strangers' in their home?

I would refuse to get involved in arguments between them. Put the phone down as necessary. Only get involved in emergencies.

@AutumnRose1 There comes a point for most of us when you almost become a parent figure to your own parents.

Both are resistant. But I suspect they'll crumble after tonight. The house is covered with blood!
He is depressed now. It's hard to explain how he has become disabled. It sounds almost unbelievable - but he's been poked and prodded by all kinds of docs and it boils diwn to physical
Laziness. His muscles simply can't hold his weight. He is literally a beached whale when he falls. I find this so difficult because I am fit as a flea - walk, gym, play tennis, any excuse to be active

Karen I’m a regular on the EP board and refusing the parent role.

OP, you might find the Elderly Parent helpful for support and rants.

I really don't want to sound cynical when I agree about the silver lining.
My aunt refused to have the help she needed "because she didn't want strangers in the house" and maintained that her husband's help with her worsening Parkinson's was enough. Money wasn't an issue; they could have made models with it...…I think pride came into it as well; they were both strong, capable people before they became frail.
But things reached crisis point when he had a fall, and the hospital contacted me about his discharge. I quite cheerfully "grassed them up" to the SW, and a proper check on their home circumstances was made. Probably easier, and again I sound cynical, because I was their niece rather than their daughter, so harder to shuffle their care off on to "family".
Ironically, when a (lovely) carer was enlisted, Auntie became very fond of her, the daughter she never had, and we also persuaded Uncle that enlisting domestic help, and somebody to help with the vast garden, was not losing control, but helping out hard workers who were glad of the money.
From what you say, the medical problems are greater than my aunt's were, and becoming greater. It must be a revelation to you, to see the size of the team dealing with his care, when you have been trying to cope single-handedly. Fingers crossed for an admission, and a proper discharge plan in place when he starts to recover a bit.

Oh I've seen huge teams of people swoop
In and help when hemp
Is needed. Both my in laws needed escalating help in their declines. And I'd hoped my experience of that might hope persuade. But no!

Definitely a silver lining that you must use.

My FIL fell at home and couldn't get up. The ambulance didn't want to take him as they thought he'd be better when he had something to eat. I insisted, pointing out that he couldn't stand up on his own. He ended up in hospital for 3 weeks, then sent home to a hospital bed in the living room with carers 4x/day because he refused a nursing home. Still couldn't walk on his own, but would assure the carers he'd be fine, and I'd find him marooned at the kitchen table. I would drive 45min each way to check on him. Eventually a mechanical lift was arranged and he agreed to be on a wait list for a nursing home. During that time he fell out of bed and broke his hip and arm. Luckily he was wearing a Life alert alarm which alerted when he fell. After a hospital stay, he was again sent home. 3 months later a space opened up in the nursing home - what a relief for us all.

You will have to insist on what you want, OP, as I'm sure services are as short where you are as they are in Canada. Raise a fuss if they mention discharging him home without a thorough assessment and plan in place. Point out that you and your DM are not able to provide consistent care. Point out what he can't do for himself - stand, walk, toilet, bath etc. And good luck. I hope I never put my children in such a situation.

The only way to deal with a situation like this is to withdraw your help, so they realise they do need help. Sounds harsh I know but the only other option is to continue as you are.

I don't think 79 is that old. I have relatives much older than that who are fit and healthy and independent. But it does sound like they need help and are being stubborn in not accepting it. It's not fair for the burden to always fall on you.

Sounds like your DF and my FIL were similar. He refused to walk/do physio and lost the ability very quickly. In the nursing home, he had a $6000 wheelchair that he was able to wheel/shuffle and was asking us for an electric one so he wouldn't have to even do that. It was determined that it might be a bit unsafe for the other residents and staff, which took the pressure off of us.

She is a fit 79. But a 10 stone 79 year old trying to look after a 15 stone 84 year old who keeps falling (and has refused to go to fall clinic) and can't toilet himself because he can't get there in time under his own steam is too much!
Still waiting....

Make it clear when they want to discharge him that you aren’t capable of providing all the care he requires and you don’t believe your mother can handle it either. Ask to speak to someone in the hall if you have to or go for a bathroom break and stop by the nurses station.

Oh gosh. Your poor mum. And poor you. Definitely a silver lining. Had one myself this weekend with my dh - different situation. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry with him. I hope your situation can finally be sorted, mine too.

This is your opportunity ..... push for admission, full social and OT assessment. Ask for carers assessment for your mom too.
Do they have savings ? (Thinking about money for carers and if they would self fund) Are they on disability or ill health benefits or just a pension ?
Is your mom open to carers coming in ? When Dad is admitted will she be ok on her own and enjoy being somewhat free from caring for your Dad?

It's hard but try not to be angry or talk behind their backs. Be honest and straight talking with your Dad now while you have him 121 .... tell him he has to get used to the idea of carers or consider going to a home as he's too big and care is too much for your mom to do. Allow it to sink in and tell him you'll help arrange help but time has come for change. It's massively scary and imposing having people in the house.
Hospital can arrange rapid response or enablement team to visit 4 x daily for 2 weeks or so post discharge while long term care / physio / recovery is managed. It might also be possible for Dad to go into a rehab ward / cottage hospital to recooperate and allow you / mom time to decide how to go forward. This is about safeguarding your parents especially your mom while moving your Dad to the mind set of accepting help. X

My mother used to fall when she got up at night, because she would go to bed, take two sleeping pills and drink brandy in bed. It caused no end of problems, and she wouldn’t admit to the brandy. After she eventually went into a care home, I found empty bottles all over the house.
I used to get so angry with her for all the trouble it caused. Emergency call outs for me, and hospital stays, which resulted in more muscle loss and immobility. She would tell the doctors that she couldn’t remember anything about falling. Of course she couldn’t remember anything. They did endless tests on her “blackouts” as she called them.

You have all my sympathy.

@TheoneandObi

You need to get a social worker involved because your parents might listen to them. Also their house could be assessed to see if they need any aids to assist your father.

With regard to your df's walking (or lack of it), physio needs to be involved. However, he won't get back on his feet unless he follows whatever exercise regime they give him.

His muscles will have wasted. It will be essential to build them up again, but it is a slow process and he will need a walker to bear some of his weight when he's able to stand and take a few steps.

An electric machine such as Revititive can be used to kick start the process but, again, he'll have to use it regularly usually 3 times a day starting on a low setting and gradually increasing the strength of the pulsations. I've named the most expensive brand, but other makes are just as effective and can be found at a fairly reasonable price on eBay.

Read about mini exercise bikes here stepper-guide.com/are-mini-exercise-bikes-effective One of these little machines can be used when seated and it could be that your df may take some pleasure in using one. The electric versions will do the work for him.

I don't envy you, OP, and can only hope that your long wait tonight/this morning will result in your df being admitted as it would be gutting if A&E simply discharge him after he's been seen.

My apologies, OP - the brand is Revitive.

I feel so sorry for you.

To be honest, now he's in the hospital, why don't you and DM go home and get some sleep? He may not be admitted to a ward until daytime hours (my hospital used its last bed at 0200, until the discharges start this morning.
Good luck for when he's discharged, hopefully with a full package of care.