To be angry with my aged parents

[TheoneandObi]

It's nearly 1am and I'm in a trolley queue with DF Who has fallen badly. We're going to be here all night. I told DM to stay home and get some sleep. No point two of us being knackered. DF is here because he fell. More specifically because he has refused to move or so any physio or exercise for years. Consequently no strength in legs and now disabled. Both parents have refused to hire carers and I'm losing count of the number of times I am called to help. I've tried so hard to patiently (then less patiently) tell them they need help. But oh no 'we don't want strangers in our house'. Now he's fallen and I think he'll have to be admitted because the ambulance crew remarked that there was no support at home. DM is strong and fit but 79.
Why won't they be sensible??? Arghhhh.
I know I'm being unreasonable. But I'm angry that they have refused to
Listen to sensible advice and ploughed on because they always know best. My life has been dominated by phone calls and falls and emergencies and breaking up horrible arguments between them and I'm fed up and tired and tied or not being listened to.

Knitwit99 you are so right, the only thing I would change is write another letter to your 70 year old self reminding you to review things. I'm late 60s, live in a small coastal town 200 miles from family. I've looked at things and am planning on selling up in the next 2 or 3 years and moving closer to family with easy access to public transport (in case I have to give up driving) and close to shops and other facilities. I'm currently decluttering and planning some jobs on the house so that I will be ready to go when the time comes.

Yes I never understand people who move to isolated houses in the country when they are older. You need to be near shops and services. Even simple things like getting a cleaner can be hard if you live if somewhere more remote.

Yes, from looking at my elderly parents decline I would recommend to myself in the future- asking for / sourcing my own minimal care / shopping deliveries etc, being near public transport, social communities etc and also possibly downsizing to somewhere on the ground floor / without stairs. It would all make things simpler and easier to keep independence as long as possible.

So true, it was great at 40, still good now but I am aware that I need to plan for the future. I've said to so many people who are planning to retire and move to the back of beyond but it is their "dream."

Karen it is so tricky one of my parents lives miles form anywhere and can't drive, it is a nightmare, no-where will deliver to them, it is freezing and they struggle to bring coal in and the like, but they won't move I have given up trying to help them and just send leaflets now regarding support and things like sheltered housing. I think they will end up having a medical crisis and not allowed back and in a home in the end unfortunately.

Sorry you are going thru this, OP.
I sure hope I'm never such a burden on my own DC.
Reminder to me when I'm old & frail to plan my helpers & take almost any help offered.

Yes, I agree on the downsizing thing. MIL very sensibly moved to a retirement community when FIL died. My DPs though are drifting into old age having made few compromises. DM and DSF built a modern house with a downstairs bedroom and bathroom, but DSF has colonised that on his own. They live on the edge of a town with poor public transport and need to drive everywhere and they still own a property abroad that they have no plans to sell. They are 78 and 71. DF and DSM still live in a large, old house with a huge garden in a small village with no amenities. They have a gardener, but that is their one concession to aging. To be fair, DF suggested downsizing several years ago, but DSM wouldn't hear of it, because she wants to have space for DC and GC to stay. They're still currently in decent health at 77 and 72, but when they aren't it will be a nightmare. There is no public transport in their village, they're over an hour's drive from the nearest hospital and there isn't even a village shop. Every single thing they do (apart from walking the dog), requires driving. They have at least committed to having no more dogs when this one dies.

@Orangeblossom78 That is tough.
Yes even being able to get takeaways makes a difference. It can help you over a short spell of not being so mobile. But if they won't move, there is nothing you can do.

Ah it’s so hard, I had this scenario from 2011-2016 which coincided with my menopause/adult children moving abroad/ stressful full time job and I lived 200 miles away.
The annoying thing was that my mother always said how much she hated having to live with an old granny when she was a child and she saw hope much it impacted on her own mothers life. Having always maintained she was t going to let that happen again, it was all forgotten when they became elderly and infirm themselves.
After several middle of the night emergencies social services did become involved and made things slightly easier. Hopefully that will happen in your situation.
I’m going to write my letter now ( I’m 63) and give it to my lovely step daughter!

I hear you OP. I also hope I reach peak wisdom later then my parents.
My dad insisted on keeping my mum at home, despite the fact he was unable to care for her.
In fairness he did allow careers in, but she should have been in a home full time years before she died.
He ended up resorting to strapping her into her armchair, so he could go to the toilet.
I’m not even kidding. It was horrendous to watch as their child and accept I could do literally nothing to make him see reason. His decision to keep her at home was actually the most selfish thing he could have done. It wasn’t in her best interests at all, it was against the medical professionals advice and it broke my heart seeing her like that.
Best of luck to you in getting some external support OP.

When he is discharged make sure you read the social services assessment carefully. Despite me and my sister saying we could not provide care for our (not dear) mother, they still wrote in that we were included in her care. Although we did everything to support her being cared for, spent time with her and made sure everything was ok, we refused to be part of the package.

Yanbu at all Op.
My parents were exactly the same as yours and exhaust everyone in the family. They are like the most selfish needy toddlers who expect everyone to drop everything at a moments notice to fulfil their latest whim. They haven't lifted a finger to help themselves in years.
I'm afraid I got sick of the demands and being glared at and shouted at for helping and am very very low contact. After falling last time they wasn't allowed home until agreeing to have carers now so that's a relief.

Sympathy and solidarity to you OP (and others)
Some good advice on here. I'd also suggest posting on the elderly parents board.
Good luck!

The peak wisdom thing really resonates. It reminds me of DH’s grandma, who has very much fallen into that elderly stereotype of ‘won’t be told’. For example, she is often very cold as she’s elderly and very thing, and yet constantly wears short sleeves around the house so that her sleeves don’t get wet when doing the washing up! Any suggestion that she simply rolls her sleeves up or just puts a bloody jumper on afterwards is derided as a ridiculous suggestion. It’s not, it’s basic common sense, but she refuses to follow it because she didn’t think of it. She is a lovely woman and I will miss her dearly when she’s gone, but in the nicest possible way I won’t miss the demands she puts on my MIL.

This is one thing that I’m really worried about.

My parents are only turning 62 this year but are looking to purchase another house. Annoyingly, the ones in their price range and where they want to live probably won’t be suitable in 10/15 years time.

My parents are stubborn at the best of times and think they know best. My mum has health anxiety and is the worlds worst hypochondriac who thinks she is very unwell and frail (she really isn’t but is more than happy to chase her one year old grandchild around ).

I can see them being just like this. I’m the favourite child so it’ll all fall onto me to sort stuff out. I have children and work and my DM hasn’t been great to me in recent years so I won’t be doing all her personal care.

YANBU OP. They are being really selfish. I hope you get it all sorted

Am thinking of patenting my 'Peak Wisdom' phrase!

I think as your world contracts then it is easy to get stuck in certain ideas. This was my mum. She was still very intelligent and a quick thinker, but she really could not handle anyone thinking differently from her. And it started a few years after her mobility was really affected so she rarely went out. Her world got very small.

“Peak Wisdom” sounds a lot like my past two years, when I’ve been tidying and sorting. Also labelling all the files and storage boxes. Now I’m decluttering. This house has a dozen stone steps down to the pavement, and another dozen up to the garage. It will inevitably become impossible for us to stay here. Although I hope not for some years.

Sorry, phone rang there. My mum refused to be transferred to the local cottage hospital after her broken leg was pinned and healing. So She missed out on physio and the company of other elderly ppl in the same situation. Never walked again. Her world shrank so much. It was sad to see, but she had capacity, and couldn’t be forced.

Is it true in the UK that if an elderly/frail person has no help at home then the 'authorities' can put them in hospital and then a care home and they never will be allowed to leave?

My mother told me this when my elderly dad with PD was packed off.

MustangsDraggedMeAway No, not true, not if they have capacity and do not consent.
Your DF may have lacked capacity and it may have been a best interests decision, which would have involved your DM, but if she was not coping, she may have felt she had little choice except to agree with a residential setting.
Truly, we do not like to keep people in hospital against their will!

Sorry OP haven't Rtft but have a look in the Elderly Parents thread, there's a sympathetic ear there at all times if you just want to let off steam

Your parents will need to be given the choice between accepting care in the home or going into care ...

Except it doesn’t really work like that...

Old people can become selfish. I think you are not being unreasonable, you are the one they ring constantly. i would be talking to social worker about getting a package. My mam has a carer for an hour a day, despite insisting she didnt need one, she loves having them there, they dont do that much, mainly help her with shower and make breakfast but its peace of mind.

Just from bitter experience - get everything in writing from the hospital and any Social Workers.

It is surprising the promises Social workers and hospitals will make to get you to take on the work. But if they are not in writing, they can't be held to those promises.

NB there are some awesome social workers out there, and some were very kind, but some were not acting in my father's best interest whatsoever.