To be angry with my aged parents

[TheoneandObi]

It's nearly 1am and I'm in a trolley queue with DF Who has fallen badly. We're going to be here all night. I told DM to stay home and get some sleep. No point two of us being knackered. DF is here because he fell. More specifically because he has refused to move or so any physio or exercise for years. Consequently no strength in legs and now disabled. Both parents have refused to hire carers and I'm losing count of the number of times I am called to help. I've tried so hard to patiently (then less patiently) tell them they need help. But oh no 'we don't want strangers in our house'. Now he's fallen and I think he'll have to be admitted because the ambulance crew remarked that there was no support at home. DM is strong and fit but 79.
Why won't they be sensible??? Arghhhh.
I know I'm being unreasonable. But I'm angry that they have refused to
Listen to sensible advice and ploughed on because they always know best. My life has been dominated by phone calls and falls and emergencies and breaking up horrible arguments between them and I'm fed up and tired and tied or not being listened to.

OP you have my sympathy.My very frail ,very elderly mum sees having any help as a sign of weakness and being 'old.'She is in her 90s ffs.Except she does need help.It is so frustrating and tbh is ruining my relationship with her which was close. I know it will sadly take a fall or serious illness to force the issue and get her to accept outside help.She was equally stubborn when our dad was frail very.Insisted on doing everything,yet frequently greeting us in tears saying how hard it was.
I have vowed not to have this martyr syndrome as me and my siblings call it.And DH and I hope we will not put such a burden of responsibility on our DCs.Hope you get support and a solution.Elderly parents threads are helpful.

we are both in our 60s we are doing what we can to make life easier as I had a wake up call last year as a fall incurred a broken shoulder, DH had to help showering/dressing ... we now have a gardener. We hope to have a downstairs toilet installed in cloakroom

Nothing wrong with planning ahead just be careful not to think yourself old before your time and therefore start acting old. My ILs and aunty and uncle are late 70s and doing their garden keeps them fit and mobile. Keep the downstairs loo for guests as stairs are good exercise and you don't want to be unable to visit people's homes because you can't get upstairs to their loo.

@Bingewatcingagain My parents are only turning 62 this year but are looking to purchase another house. Annoyingly, the ones in their price range and where they want to live probably won’t be suitable in 10/15 years time

Why? Who says they have to live there for 15 years? They're only in their early 60s - do you want them in a retirement village with a lot of very old people?

My parents are stubborn at the best of times and think they know best Maybe they do! What makes you think you know better than your 61 year old parents?

You don't need stairs to be active though, you can do other exercises etc - walking, going up and down hills

I'm nearly 60, superfit, run 30 miles a week. My brother is three years younger, and has moved into a retirement village to a bungalow, as he is frequently ill requiring hospitalisation.

Age is nothing to do with anything.

Another sad thing is people giving up jobs to look after an elderly parent.
This may impact on your own pension situation and when you need help.
Something else I have read on these forums is when people die their finances can be a mess and if they were hoarders the house also. So family are grieving and trying to untangle a nightmare.

We had years of MIL demanding attention night and day from DH, including such idiocies as the 3am phone calls telling us she was awake and couldn't get back to sleep

Blimey I would have just unplugged the phone.

Update. Dad has moved hospitals
To be assessed and they've said he's at risk and needs a care package and until that's it place he can't go home. But mum and dad are still saying he needs to be home NOW because hospital is getting him down'. If they discharge him or walk out (actually he can't walk!!) I'll
Just hold
My hands up and say no. I was with him al afternoon, and just got home. Glad I was there for the assessment to make sure questions were answered truthfully!

Something else I have read on these forums is when people die their finances can be a mess and if they were hoarders the house also. So family are grieving and trying to untangle a nightmare

That could be avoided if they had given Power of Attorney, something else that needs to be planned for

Op that sounds stressful hope he gets the package OK. Would they have to pay for it I wonder

Remember you don’t have to go to all the visiting opportunities- he is being looked after 24 /7 by a team. Encourage yourself and mum to back off the visits and enjoy his time away

@Orangeblossom78 If they will give it

My 81 year old frail dad had a fall just before Christmas and I was called by a neighbour because they couldn't get him up. His wife of 20 years is able bodied but has dementia and didn't know how to use the phone to call an ambulance or me.

He was taken to hospital and diagnosed with a severe water infection. Social services were brought in and and after assessment of the home they were provided with a care package including morning carers to help with washing and dressing him, a trolley so he could carry food and a commode. They kept the care package for a whole week and then asked for the equipment to be taken back and cancelled the carers. From past experiences of their belligerent behaviour (grr) I didn't say anything too forcefully but I was furious. So much effort had gone into helping them. I completely understand that they want to maintain their independence, I'm sure I would too. I understand they don't want strangers in their home, nor would I. BUT I'd like to think that if it was me I'd have some consideration for the person that's constantly picking up the pieces.

I feel your pain OP.

Like a pp said, I don’t think it is maintaining independence which would be much easier with carers, mobility aids and assistance. My father is pretty much immobile and confined to his giant icy house whilst “being independent” It’s so sad, when their lives could be so improved

As bad as it is we cannot force our elderly relatives to have care packages or go into residential care. DMIL refused outside help both personal and with looking after house and would only let DH in (fifties can stay in the car) and of course when she did have to go into hospital after a fall it took a lot of hard work to get it decent again. After that she was a bit happier to accept help

orangeblossom only if the parent had lost capacity, otherwise theos doesn't come into effect.

countrygirl99 people don't realise the reality. I have power of attorney but useless while aunt was deemed to have capacity. The thing is with lots of elderly people including those with dementia is they can put on a good show and despite how bad she was my aunt was still convincing psychiatrists and SW that she was fine. I was treated as the slightly nutty nuisance. Eventually everyone who complained to me about her behaviour, 999 service, local shops, her dentist, her chiropodist, her neighbours, got a slip of paper with her SW's name and phone number and I asked them to report it to her as I needed other people to back me up. Eventually it started to make a difference.

The thing that drove me mad was people saying, "Well she needs to be in a home, you should sort that out." As if you can just kidnap an unwilling person and put them in a home, even if you find a home that will have them. Most homes will want to do an assessment so good luck with arranging that with no co-operation and a locked door.

It is also quite funny when people say carers won't be strangers after the first visit. Do they really think the same carer does 4 visits a day 7 days a week? That they don't go sick, have holidays, change jobs. You end up with a succession of carers, some good some not so good but what you don't get is a saint who works 7 days a week 52 weeks a year.

2 years on I am still healing.

I wish l'd seen this thread several years ago! With a few differences you could be describing my parents, especially my Dad. My Mum just enabled him and passed all the problems over to me.

We had the nightly alarms when he fell over, refusing to engage with the carers, social workers, health professionals etc. for years while he got more and more frail and ran me ragged.

Nothing to add but hugs - stay strong, don't feel guilty for not doing whatever they want and grab all the help that's out there!

only if the parent had lost capacity, otherwise theos doesn't come into effect

It depends which POA you have as finance can be used while the person still has capacity. I had that and health and welfare for DM and managed her finances even though she still had full capacity. Health and welfare only came into effect when she was unconscious in hospital in our case.