To be angry with my aged parents

[TheoneandObi]

It's nearly 1am and I'm in a trolley queue with DF Who has fallen badly. We're going to be here all night. I told DM to stay home and get some sleep. No point two of us being knackered. DF is here because he fell. More specifically because he has refused to move or so any physio or exercise for years. Consequently no strength in legs and now disabled. Both parents have refused to hire carers and I'm losing count of the number of times I am called to help. I've tried so hard to patiently (then less patiently) tell them they need help. But oh no 'we don't want strangers in our house'. Now he's fallen and I think he'll have to be admitted because the ambulance crew remarked that there was no support at home. DM is strong and fit but 79.
Why won't they be sensible??? Arghhhh.
I know I'm being unreasonable. But I'm angry that they have refused to
Listen to sensible advice and ploughed on because they always know best. My life has been dominated by phone calls and falls and emergencies and breaking up horrible arguments between them and I'm fed up and tired and tied or not being listened to.

I had similar with an elderly relative. Very reluctant to let anyone in the home.Had to be very blunt and tell them that I could no longer cope with their condition and would not be involved. Gave him two options - allow carers in or nursing home. After the initial few visits where I was there to help with , it became part of his daily routine and he actually found the social part also helped him mentally.
It is not easy but it is also very difficult for adults to give up control of their lives after being so independent.

Don’t know how things are progressing there OP, but when they start thinking about discharge do make sure the physio checks his abilities rather than taking his word for it. My DF tried to get himself discharged with a fractured hip, claiming he could walk up stairs- and they only made him stand up and demonstrate (he obviously could hardly stand, let alone walk) when my mum refused to collect him from the ward and spoke to the physio herself!

My grandad is the same.
Had a triple heart bypass ten years ago, could've been a new lease of life if he'd followed his physio and exercises, but no.
Now he's been basically bedridden for the past 6 years or so.
So frustrating, my sympathies.
Good luck.

💐💐💐You are not being unreasonable. I had the same with my father (6ft and 16 stone) with Parkinson’s and my mother (5ft2 and 10.5 stone). Because my father wanted to be independent he didn’t want carers even though none of us were coping. God, it was so frustrating. It took a crisis with him falling and being admitted to hospital. He ended up being in hospital for nearly 3 months whilst things were sorted out at home and carers arranged. Daft thing both of them love having the carers now.

YANBU

take advantage of the scenario op.

I read this wondering if we’re related! My dad is the same, and has refused to move for the last 7 or 8 years, despite no real medical reason. He’s mid-70s and has also recently started falling. He’s very heavy, and my mum stands no chance of lifting him. Neither will consider carers or a nursing home, and we’re tearing our hair out over it. It can’t continue, something has to give. I think it might be my mum’s sanity. Genuinely amazed there are so many others the same.

It’s going to have to be tough love OP.

How and why did your Dad fall ? He will probably try and tell them he tripped or something like that, but from what you are saying he is struggling simply to weight bare or stand unaided ?
Can he get out of a chair or the bed unaided ?
Can he walk any distance and does he use any walking aids like a stick/ zimmer / trolley ?
Does he have a commode he could use at night beside the bed. Is there a downstairs toilet ? How far does he need to go to get to a toilet ?
Is he managing to get up and down stairs if there are any in the property ? would they consider a stair lift ?
Is there room for a bed downstairs if he cannot manage the stairs ?
How is he managing to have a bath/shower ?
Does he ever leave the house and how do they manage it ? Does your Mum ever leave the house without him ?

I think you need to speak with the OT and physio on the ward if he is admitted and explain exactly how little he can manage to do and ask for a home visit before discharge. You need to be brutally honest with them about what your Dad's abilities or lack of them were prior to admission as they will be trying to get him back to that level.

I really feel for you, it is very difficult to make people see that they are not coping well or at all. Hope your Dad has been seen and good luck

You need to say at every opportunity that you cannot be their carer. Put it in an email to Social Services and refer to that email repeatedly. Warn them that you parents will likely say you are happy to provide c care (my FILs favourite line) but they are wrong and you cannot be relied on. Be firm but be clear - you are the low budget option so any wavering will be jumped on. Do not commit to anything, even the things you are happy to help out with. Once a proper plan is in place you can relax and do things with them that add quality to their lives rather than making sure they survive.

It will feel horrible but you have to refuse to help or else social services won't do anything. I agree put it in writing that you aren't his carer.

You’ve got to be cruel to be kind op. I was in the same situation with my mum. Things came to a head with a fall and hospitalisation. They were ready to discharge her to my care because she told them I would care for her and I had to say no,I can’t. I’m a lone parent to my dc after their df died and I couldn’t take this on too.

Social work got involved and things changed dramatically. She gets community meals, attendance allowance for carers etc.
She is resistant at times but with no other family she has to accept it

Its the sheer bloody minded selfishness of this that drives me mad. Let’s hope someone there can talk some sense into him for your sake. But - and I do see that this is very difficult for you to to - you do need to apply a bit of tough love to the situation.

Ps - my fil also plans to spend the rest of his life in an armchair, but he has dementia and is still at the stage where he understands how much his brain isnt working. We’re waiting for the call about his fall - although of course the less he moves the less likely he is to fall.

The more you do for them and the more services see you do for them the less help you will get. I speak from experience with my own mother (who died last year of bowel cancer, she also had copd and Crohn’s disease and mental health issues). I have health issues and a disabled son and was expected to drop everything and care for her (she lived alone). It was only when I told everyone I couldn’t do it - and really didn’t, as hard as it was- that anyone stepped in to help. And we’re talking things like her being unable to get from her bed to the commode next to her bed and back in bed again, that sort of thing. They expected me to drop everything and dash round at 3/4am to help her - she lived 20 mins away. It is very hard to disengage but you need to drop him at hospital and then when you know he’s checked in and being seen to you need to go home. If they see you there all the time they’ll think you’re the full time carer.

Be careful that your DF isn’t telling the staff that it’s ok as you will care for him when he gets home. Make sure they’re aware this isn’t the case.

My lovely DGF did this and they believed him until my DM stepped in and said no she was not his carer. He went home with a care package in the end.

Catching up... physio has been involved. But the orient still
Needs to bloody DO something. Physios don't just wave magic wands! Dad has expected somehow to be just made better through zero effort of his own.
I'm home now. Fotutnabey I have a sister who will take the reins now.

We had this happen to my grandad a few years ago. He was admitted to hospital several times and each time they had to make sure the correct care was in place before he went home, we were advised to say we could not provide care so he would have to have carers come in, this was great but he would then send them away and call me to go in instead, would make me feel guilty and even cry saying he only wanted me to look after him. I couldn’t provide enough care so when he became more unwell he had no choice but to have carers or to go into a care home (he chose carers as he wanted to stay at home).,

I think it’s very hard to except you need help and to except strangers coming into your home.

Sadly you cannot impose a package of care on someone if they refuse it (assuming they have capacity). This type of scenario is very common, sadly.
Your only option is to refuse to engage, sounds very harsh, but they need to see that they will not cope at home without support.
A decent hospital will have a team who quiz your DF about the building where he lives and what equipment he has (if any) and then will physically assess him getting in and out of bed, on and off a toilet, walking and doing stairs if necessary at home. They can order equipment, refer to services at home for rehab, or to intermediate care if appropriate. If he has not engaged with things before and has effectively disabled himself there is not much point in using these resources TBH. Packages of care can also be requested.
In a good hospital you will not have to be seeking out the OT/PT team, they will be on it automatically.
When he's discharged, please don't go round all the time, if he falls tell them to call 999.

It seems to be a common trait of the elderly that they don't want carers for one reason or another. My DM was the same but after a recent hospital stay she had to have a carer in twice a day for her initial release. She came to adore her carer very quickly and the council social team do try to send the same person as much as possible (maybe someone different at weekends) for the continuity.

You have to be very firm and determined. I had a relative who became seriously ill and needed round the clock care. Because I was close socially, and emotionally supportive, it was expected I would do it, even to the extent of having him move into my house so I could do the caring (and we lived an hours drive apart in different health authority areas too). I really had to put my foot down and insist that social services took over. They tried to persuade me and guilt me into caring for him because they obviously dont want the expense, so if they can get family to do it, all well and good. Don't let them guilt you, or try to make an 'arrangement that will work for both of you', because they will.
Good luck. Hope things improve.

Apparently the phrase to use is 'unsafe discharge' and also to tell SS you can't do anything. Hope this helps a little and he gets a care plan in place

This is what the Warden in my Dad's sheltered housing told me and she has lots of experience with it

Oh also tell them to get Telecare a button thing for falls, it connects to somewhere to come and get them. Can get it through Age UK or local council, SS can get it done also

OP I understand you finding it hard that he has made himself disabled. it must be infuriating.
Would it help to see this as a mental health problem? Sometimes people just give up on life. Not quite the same as being depressed. They just no longer see a point in living.

You and your sister have to take a massive step back and be completely clear to your parents and health/social care that you cannot help at all
Even don’t answer your phone to social care etc. in the short term
(Once things are in place you can of course be back in the picture but this is the only way) - from a social care professional perspective