To be angry with my aged parents

[TheoneandObi]

It's nearly 1am and I'm in a trolley queue with DF Who has fallen badly. We're going to be here all night. I told DM to stay home and get some sleep. No point two of us being knackered. DF is here because he fell. More specifically because he has refused to move or so any physio or exercise for years. Consequently no strength in legs and now disabled. Both parents have refused to hire carers and I'm losing count of the number of times I am called to help. I've tried so hard to patiently (then less patiently) tell them they need help. But oh no 'we don't want strangers in our house'. Now he's fallen and I think he'll have to be admitted because the ambulance crew remarked that there was no support at home. DM is strong and fit but 79.
Why won't they be sensible??? Arghhhh.
I know I'm being unreasonable. But I'm angry that they have refused to
Listen to sensible advice and ploughed on because they always know best. My life has been dominated by phone calls and falls and emergencies and breaking up horrible arguments between them and I'm fed up and tired and tied or not being listened to.

My fiercely independent mum embraced it once she realised what help she would get. She lived in one of the most socially disfunctional towns in tbe UK and was horrified at the thought of social services involvement in her life. Turned out, they were bloody brilliant. I have a colleague who used to be a senior person at a local council not too far away. They said that Mum's experience was why most councils actually look to tbe Council she was "under" as an exemplar.
I cannot stress enough how fiercely independent my mum was - wartime generation as a clue. Or how brilliant social services turned out to be.

I know just how you feel. My DM was going downhill, but wouldn't admit it, and wouldn't have any kind of help. She fell and broke her hip, and was in hospital for several weeks. After rehabilitation the doctor was set to send her home, but I intervened and told the social workers about how Mum had been living. She ended up in care, and although she didn't want to go right from day one she has been fine and has settled in well. She isn't doing anything different from what she was at home, but now doesn't have to look after herself. I have to admit that when I discovered her lying on the floor, as soon as I saw she wasn't badly hurt or ill, I knew it could be the silver lining I had been waiting for. All the best to you.

I saw this many times as a district nurse. Elderly people refusing (to pay!) for carers or home adaptations and falling about all over the place. In and out of A&E like a revolving door.
Nothing will change until a crisis occurs. This may be it. You and your sister must now completely step back and refuse to be involved in any care otherwise ss will leave you to it.
I can't believe your parents are happy to put this on you. It isn't what I'd want for my DC. How utterly selfish. Isn't this what we save all our lives for? To ensure we are cared for and safe in our older age? Their wants do not trump yours and let's be honest, physio will be pointless.
Time to make a difficult choice which will affect your quality of life going forward. Your parents are free to make their own choices and live by the consequences, which is fine, as long as they don't expect you to pick up the pieces.

I don't want to depress you but the "silver lining" doesn't always work. I speak from experience with an elderly aunt who was physically frail and suffering from dementia, it took me over a year of threatening SW and finally realising that they wouldn't help, then we had to hire a private SW to help. We had carers, she locked the door from the inside and I can't tell you how many times that resulted in a welfare call to police, smashed windows and another bill. We had food deliveries from a supermarket and she would turn them away even though she had no food and was banned from the local shop due to her abusive behaviour. The psychiatrist was no use, his advice? You should really get her into a home. Well how? Short of pinning her down and dragging her there was no way to do it.

I hope this has given them the shock they need and they co-operate but if they don't you will just get told that if they have capacity they can refuse help.

Of course you can also refuse but it is hard to do, it nearly broke me physically and mentally.

As I said I don't want to depress you but just warn you that this isn't something that will automatically be resolved because he is admitted to hospital. Setting up a care package is the easy bit, making them accept it isn't so straightforward. If there is money I would advise you to consider a private SW who will be much more supportive. Good luck.

@cptartapp That is why local authorities until fairly recently used to pay for many home adaptations as it was cheaper than constant A and E admissions.

But surely the carers are only strangers the first time they come? After that they are known to you?

They would be strangers for more than the first time.
I understand elderly peoples reluctance. I would not want people coming into my home to do tasks for me.

As per others ( so much great advice so I’ll not duplicate ) you are not bring unreasonable and cannot continue like this .
Use all services xx
Good luck xx

If your dad has capacity and refuses to engage with services and have carers in the house the phrase unsafe discharge means very little unfortunately.

79 is not old, I have relatives much older who are fit This is a silly comment IMO. It is more a case of general health than chronological age. Some people become ill earlier than others. There is a certain amount we can do to preserve our health but some of this is chance and outside our control. When very elderly people who are fit it is partly due to luck. I agree with the poster who suggested that you have a very straight talk with your Dad while you have him in a one to one situation. Talk to him adult to adult.

you have my sympathy im going through this with my mil and fil at the moment they just keep saying oh we will manage then he falls over and it all starts again plus he has started thinking he is back 20 years now so its worrying what exactly is going on. i hope you manage to get something sorted and get the help you need

Awake now. Not wide awak but awake!
Can't respond to all advice except to say yup we've tried in most cases!
However someone recommended the Revitive device. Going to investigate this. It may stop a thrombosis through his lack of activity.
Money is not an object. Parents v well off and I'm happy for them to spend our inheritance.
Spoken to mum who is going in to hospital today with my sister to get the grisly low down. I've sent the Revitive link to her, and they are going to action the clearing of a living to turn into a bedroom. Carers will be booked.
I'm sad and angry that through inactivity it's come to this. It's almost completely self inflicted :(

And gosh I've straight talked til I'm blue in the face. I hope I'll listen to sense when I'm older. Older isn't always wiser.
I have a theory which I call Peak Wisdom. You get to an age where you don't want to learn any more; you think you know it all but time and events move on without you. My parents reached Peak Wisdom more than a decade ago. My ambition is to be older when I reach it!

Some of these stories are heartbreaking. As both sets of parents are long gone and we are both in our 60s we are doing what we can to make life easier as I had a wake up call last year as a fall incurred a broken shoulder, DH had to help showering/dressing.
DH has started to clear loft of old diy stuff and general declutter. We now have a gardener.We hope to have a downstairs toilet installed in cloakroom. We have a shower In our bathroom which DH installed many years ago and got rid of the bath.
Are reviewing finances and DH has noted down passwords should anything happen.We still do our shopping but are capable of doing online If he can no longer drive
DS still at home but works shifts and DD lives abroad, think long haul. We are still managing flights though.

Thank you all for listening. Sorry to hear all your stories. Just make sure you all look after yourselves as you age. Literally stay strong. There a lots yiu can't help; but plenty you can! X

One of the pieces of advice I have had is to move to a more accessible property before you strictly need to. Because by the time you need that place, a move will be much harder physically and psychologically.

sometimes things have to come to a head for change to happen. I too had an elderly parent who refused help. Following a health emergency and hospitalisation a care plan was put in place. this made a huge difference.

I think we owe our parents all the help and support we can give, but it's difficult if they don't want to accept it. Having (young) children also means there is a limit to how much time and energy you can spend. I think it's easy to feel a lot of guilt about not doing enough for our elderly parents but I had friends going through similar things and they all agreed that we owe our children more than we owe our parents, if a choice between the two has to be made. Being sandwiched between the two is truly challenging but it won't last forever

OP, I'm sorry but they get to an age where they are barely more rational than toddlers and instead of pleading with them, you have to tell them what is happening. You need to make very clear statements. 'I cannot keep doing this. I have a family and a job. You are having carers. I have arranged for a woman to come in three times a week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You are having a physio. I have arranged for her to come once a week on Tuesdays.' No discussion. That's what we did with my parents and of course within a week, the carer is the nicest person in the world and you are an uncaring devil. But a free one.

Peak Wisdom very helpful phrase, thanks OP and fingers crossed for you

I have a theory which I call Peak Wisdom. You get to an age where you don't want to learn any more; you think you know it all but time and events move on without you. My parents reached Peak Wisdom more than a decade ago. My ambition is to be older when I reach it!

Yes, I agree with this. Older means wiser, but only up to a point. Most elderly people are stubborn, stuck in their ways and convinced that they know best when everyone around them can see that they don't. Keeping active as you age so as not to lose strength, range of movement and stamina is SO important. I can see a massive difference between late 70s MIL who takes minimal exercise and late 70s DF who exercises every day without fail. You can have a fit and healthy old age if you work at it and aren't struck down by a chronic illness that prevents it. But if you sit in a heap and get overweight you're in trouble.

@karencantobe

I totally agree. DH plan to significantly downsize at retirement age.

Both sets of parents were/are unrealistically attached to their large and totally unsuitable houses. No amount of logic would persuade them to move somewhere more manageable.

For my DM this resistance to move plus total denial over her inability to drive was her downfall. We had 18 months of hell driving back and forth being carers/cleaners/gardeners/chauffeurs. If she had only moved somewhere more manageable or accepted carers, it could have been different.

I guess from your user name you are the only child? Likewise! Speak to the SW and explain your situation .They will do an assessment and tell your parents you cant do it any more! Its not fair on you physically or mentally .I couldnt relax because I was worried all the time . Sending hugs from one OO to another !Take care thinking of you xx

@Jigsawpuzzle - you could be fine for decades though. So much depends on how you live. DFiL is almost 90. He does long haul flights to visit family, is far more up to date than me on technology and how to get the best from his laptop - downloading apps etc. He drives a jag. He is mentally fit as a fiddle and takes very good care of his health. My parents have refused to accept new technology since about 1990. They can't even switch on their own TV. They got angry when radios transferred to DAB. They are aging worse than FiL because they are so resistant to the world as it is.

YANBU. They are.

All you can do is leave them to it and refuse to become involved. They have capacity to make their own choices so let them, hard as it is.

Like a pp says I don’t understand why you’d want to create that life and dump on your children. My dad does it to me, as did my mum before a fall ended her life. I will never do it to my dcs and am planning to live in suitable accommodation and accept help if I make it to old age!

No new advice but only sympathy and solidarity - been there and know how totally maddening your situation can be. Eventually got my utterly intransigent mother into residential care via a hospital admission and felt it was the most difficult battle I had ever fought. I really hope someone has the strength of character to smother me before I do the same to my nearest and dearest.