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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DP -aibu?

132 replies

Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:03

DP works away and it's a 2 week away , 2 week home rotation.
He went to new zealand woth a friend 4 months ago and stayed there for his 2 weeks home, only coming home 1 day before he left for work so i didnt see him for 6 weeks technically.

We went on a short european holiday at christmas time. He's gone back to work today and i took him to the airport in the early hours and we're fine now. But yesterday, i dont know if i was being unreasonable, we were on our way to the shops and he brought up thst he might go to austrailia with his friend during his 2 weeks home.
I asked why it had to be the entire 2 weeks and he said it's because there's no point going to austrailia for a week. This started an argument because i said i wont see him for 6 weeks again and i dont get why he has to go the entire 2 weeks.

He then said that he needs to go on holidays with his friends too and I agree he does but does he really need to go the entire 2 weeks!!

We settled on him coming home 3 days before he leaves but i dont know if im being aibu

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 02/02/2020 11:12

I can’t actually see a poll on this thread for some reason so I was going by the comments people have made. Quite a few people have said they’ve actually changed their opinion based on more info in your updates, eg. about the short time you’re been with him. Anyway, good luck with it, I hope he becomes the guy you want him to be - you know him, we don’t!

LemonTT · 02/02/2020 11:14

Most people will have voted based on your opening post. It didn’t mention that the relationship is short and without much commitment.

A number of pp have told you this.

He doesn’t prioritise time with you unless it is convenient. Being cool or uncool won’t change how he feels about you. It will just define the level of arguments or disputes you have over how much he lets you down to pursue what he really wants to do.

But if winning the popular vote on MN makes you validated then take it. He’s still going to Australia with his friend. And don’t expect him to mention much to you about his actual plans until they are made.

BlueJava · 02/02/2020 11:15

YANBU, I just don't think he's that into you. Perhaps travel and going out are his priorities right now and a girlfriend back home isn't - until he happens to be there for 2 weeks. I'd have a serious think whilst he's away as to whether you'd be happy if it was longer term if that's how the arrangement with his shifts and holidays would be. Ask yourself "If in 1 year's time it was still the same shifts and his holidays would I want to be going along with it?"

fastliving · 02/02/2020 11:15

I'd cut my losses.
I married a guy that just wasn't into me, it was pretty soul destroying.
Do much happier I'm out of the marriage and my self esteem is back to where it should have been all those wasted years.

marblesgoing · 02/02/2020 11:15

Op I would feel similar to you aswel.

I'd feel like a sitting duck almost Hmm

He should be abit more thoughtful I agree.

If he's planning on doing this more with his friend as you've mentioned I would be considering where I sit in terms of a relationship.
I know it's only 9 months but would you be accepting at 2 years 3 years etc if it's still his priority to travel with friends when not working?

He sounds like his focus is more on seeing countries while he's the age he is which is great but do you have the same outlook?

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2020 11:16

Why are people making a big deal about the partner-boyfriend scenario,

Because it has implications to the type of relationship it actually is.

'Partner' implies that you should both have far more input into each others' lives than boyfriend/girlfriend does.

So very relevant to your situation.

81Byerley · 02/02/2020 11:17

Find someone who wants to be with you.

The4thSandersonSister · 02/02/2020 11:23

Seems like he has a high paid FIFO job, comes home for some home comforts (including a girlfriend at home he can stay with when he's sick of his Parents), and party's hard traveling with his mate.

Sorry, but if you think his sitting around like a third wheel while his mate flashes the cash at the clubs and attempts to pull the local lovely's your being naive. This is every third young cashed up young guy in the remote WA & QLD mines heading to the Asian/Oceana hotspots.

littlejalapeno · 02/02/2020 11:23

OP what is it that you want? I think you should work that out and work out if he fits into your life. Maybe you’re thinking you want a family or to find someone you want a family with in the next 5 year. Maybe you’re trying to work out if your interest and futures align. You want to see him during that time but he wants to travel. Only you know if you have a spark and a future worth living with the unconventional set up.

People have said he’s not prioritising you, he’s prioritising the holiday, if it’s this one time and you’ve let him know your needs and he’s responded in a way that works for you then I’d see it as a one off. But if it happens again and again then I would reassess if what I want from my future would align with his and if it made sense to continue.

You sound defensive, understandable as you’re upset and among the good advice a few people are being nit picky and catty. Don’t carry that stuff with you, or let it make you feel worse. Hope you work it out with mr DP partner wosshisname 😉😂

DC3dilemma · 02/02/2020 11:23

Neither of you are BU, but your expectations are mismatched and you need to make decisions about that.

He’s making lots of money and living a strings free life, prioritising the hedonism of holidays with friends. He may do this for another 10-15 years @Apple6757...

You look forward to that 2 weeks and expect to spend it together so this relationship can progress. Unless he is on the same page you might be kidding yourself?

Make a decision OP. Don’t hang around to be a warm bed when he doesn’t have anything better to do. Don’t waste your own time waiting for someone who wants other things. And base your decisions on his actions not his words.

billy1966 · 02/02/2020 11:28

OP, he likes you but he's not hugely into you.

He's young and has the travel bug.
Nothing wrong with that.
Your 20's are the the loveliest time to travel.

It reads that you are waiting around for him.

Be wary of wasting your time filling your days waiting for him to come home.

💐

ButtonMoonLoon · 02/02/2020 11:28

Blimey this sounds way too heavy for a 9 month relationship!
It sounds to me as though you want different things out of this, he’s clearly still enjoying his freedom whereas you seem a bit clingy tbh.

ThinkingIsAllowed · 02/02/2020 11:28

he doesn't sound that into you, sorry. I'd move on to someone else who is more committed

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 02/02/2020 11:30

Agree he’s not that into you. Dh and i haven’t been apart for more than one night (I know that’s not normal for some) but We would just miss one another too much. It doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship if he’d rather be with his mate than with you OP.

HuskyloverI · 02/02/2020 11:30

Do you really think he's going 6 weeks without sex? Not a chance.

I don't know any 26 year old that would do that. I'm 50 (female) and couldn't go that long.

What do you think he's doing, when his friend is picking up girls? Staring at the floor? Or doing the same? (hint hint, it's the 2nd option).

Do you know that he is with his "friend" for the entire 2 weeks? I would bet my hat he has a girl (or a few) in Australia/NZ.

He is playing you.

Teaandcrisps · 02/02/2020 11:31

In these early days of being together I would expect you both to want to spend all your spare time together. Doesn't sound like your partner does.

MollyButton · 02/02/2020 11:31

Why are people making a big deal about the partner-boyfriend scenario,

Because the use of partner seemed to imply you might have children, and were at least living together. So I was al prepared to say he is being unreasonable.

But you've only been together 9 months!
Sorry but you seem to be looking for different things.
Yes he likes spending time with you when home. Yes he enjoys your company. Even yes he's probably quite happy being exclusive. (He's probably very busy with work when away.)
But he isn't ready to "settle down", and he has more cash (probably from working so hard). So he wants to use his "free time" to play hard. You can't afford to do the same, but his mate can. So they're off doing things while they have the chance and no responsibilities.

I can see why you might not be happy. But you need to decide what you really want, and go for that. Nagging him about not seeing him for 6 weeks, will move you from being "fun" to being a burden.

To be honest I'd advise you to move on.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2020 11:32

76% say im not being unreasonable?

I think some people vote straight away without reading on or asking any questions OP.

I was going to vote YANBU as I assumed you two lived together and/or had children etc.

It wasn't until I read on, that I decided YABU and voted accordingly. Also, some people can't change their vote if they change their mind. I can, as I'm using desktop.

billybagpuss · 02/02/2020 11:41

The thing that stands out for me is he wants to travel but will only suggest 3 or 4 days to go with you. He had 6 weeks away from you for NZ before Christmas and will have 6 weeks for oz now.

I think you should cut your losses. The only thing I think you are being unreasonable about a cutting oz short by 3 days as it is a bloody long way to go with 24 hours travel each way and I bet your family members that did it were knackered and wished they’d had longer.

crustycrab · 02/02/2020 11:41

Well it takes 48 hours to fly there and back and he's to fly into the UK a day either side of going back to work. Now he's got to see you for 2 days as well (with jetlag - pointless), so yeah, you've cut his holiday short to a week.

Pretty ridiculous for somewhere so far away.

Changename5000 · 02/02/2020 11:42

Wow he just isn't that committed to you or your relationship.

I would move on and leave him

madcatladyforever · 02/02/2020 11:47

Quite honestly he isn't into you.
He doesn't want to spend his spare time with you and what time he does spend is going to be tense because he doesn't really want to be there.
I would expect if I was only 9 months into a relationship that my partner would be on their best behaviour wanting to please you and be with you.
He clearly doesn't. He's rather out out having fun with his single friends.
Sounds like a dead loss to me.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/02/2020 11:59

At that age I would be encouraging my children to do the same as him, enjoy travelling and the amazing work life balance. If their current bf/gf wasn’t happy and tried to control the days off I’d be advising them to look hard at the relationship.

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 02/02/2020 12:01

Not RTFT but my DH works away Monday-Thursday every weeks, and at least twice a month either comes home Saturday or leaves Sunday night. A few times a year he will be too far away to come home for the weekend so I won’t see him for 10-15 days.
I realise you aren’t married or living together and we are but my DH wouldn’t even consider using his holiday time to go away without me. The time we have together is precious and some of it is already unavoidably spent doing boring household shit that I can’t manage alone (today involves a trip to the tip and a stop at B&Q to purchase a join for a waste pipe. Joy!)

Be as cool a girlfriend as you like but your situation isn’t sustainable. You’ll resent him long term and will be starved of romantic attention and denied a proper partnership. There are ways to make it work with a partner who is gone a lot of the time but both people need to be invested in making that happen.

I agree with PP, he’s just not that into you. Sorry 😐

katewhinesalot · 02/02/2020 12:05

Well you can pressure him but he's young and tbh I don't blame him for wanting to travel and explore the world whilst he can. You run the danger of him finishing with you if you make these demands. If I went to Australia I'd want to go for the maximum time.

I think you are at a different life stage. He doesn't seem that serious if he's only talking about going away with you for a few days in the summer. You'd think he's want to pay for you both to go somewhere nice.

You need to decide if you want to be a priority or just a girlfriend as that is what you are. If you make too many demands then I think you are unlikely to win. Communicate with him regarding your expectations and then it's up to you to decide if what he offers is enough for you.

Neither of you are wrong, it just whether you want the same things in life at this particular time. If I was his mum I'd be encouraging him to enjoy the traveling whilst he has the time and money to do it.