Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DP -aibu?

132 replies

Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:03

DP works away and it's a 2 week away , 2 week home rotation.
He went to new zealand woth a friend 4 months ago and stayed there for his 2 weeks home, only coming home 1 day before he left for work so i didnt see him for 6 weeks technically.

We went on a short european holiday at christmas time. He's gone back to work today and i took him to the airport in the early hours and we're fine now. But yesterday, i dont know if i was being unreasonable, we were on our way to the shops and he brought up thst he might go to austrailia with his friend during his 2 weeks home.
I asked why it had to be the entire 2 weeks and he said it's because there's no point going to austrailia for a week. This started an argument because i said i wont see him for 6 weeks again and i dont get why he has to go the entire 2 weeks.

He then said that he needs to go on holidays with his friends too and I agree he does but does he really need to go the entire 2 weeks!!

We settled on him coming home 3 days before he leaves but i dont know if im being aibu

OP posts:
NotTheMrMenAgain · 02/02/2020 10:57

Aw, OP - I feel bad for you - PP have said it in different ways but I'm not sure you're taking it on board.

The reason he has to go for full 2 weeks is because he wants to. The reason he isn't planning on fitting a few days with you in around the holiday is because he doesn't want to. He wants to go on the holiday. You're upset that you won't see him for 6 weeks. He's not upset about not seeing you. He's apparently not upset about the fact you're upset.

The pattern here seems to be that you care more than he does. It's embarrassing to be hanging around, waiting for whatever free time he has to bestow upon you.

AriadnesFilament · 02/02/2020 10:57

YANBU but neither’s he really - I think you’ve got a mismatch of expectations and wants and how you each view what the relationship is. I.e. he sees it as something much more casual than you do.

Qwerty543 · 02/02/2020 10:57

I hate this bullshit arguing on here about DP/ BF too OP so just ignore it as a lot more will post the same thing. I call my DP partner as we aren't young and BF sounds ridiculous.

I honestly don't think he's that into you, sorry. If he was he would jump at every opportunity to see you. Not keep swanning off with 6 week breaks each time. I wouldn't be with someone who thought I would sit and wait around for them.

Runbitchrun · 02/02/2020 10:58

I voted you are not unreasonable, but that was before I read your updates. 9 months and not living together and no children - he’s your boyfriend and of course he can go on holiday whenever he likes, wherever he likes. It sounds as though you’re in very different places emotionally.

AgentPrentiss · 02/02/2020 10:58

I think it’s fine. If I was seeing someone for 9 months, no kids and not living together, I’d be pretty pissed if my boyfriend told me when I could and couldn’t go away with mates. This is a perfect time for him to see the world if that’s what’s important to him! He has no family responsibilities!!

If you don’t like it, dump him.

wowfudge · 02/02/2020 10:58

You want different things. He wants to travel and see his friends when he's not working, you would like to see the two of you planning a future together, or at least him prioritising you more. He's not ready for that. Move on.

Berrymuch · 02/02/2020 10:58

Walk away, maybe even run. Of course he is 'free' to take holidays as he pleases, but he appears to have no interest in travelling with you, or making spending time with you any sort of priority. From someone trapped in a miserable lifestyle of DH working away a lot and not being home much, if I had my time again no way.

fairlyplump · 02/02/2020 10:59

you have been together 9 months and you are trying to tell him he can't go on holiday, good luck with this relationship, who do you think you are? I hope he goes

Howdidido · 02/02/2020 11:00

My opinion was given based on personal experience. and the fact that you're both pretty young

But PP have a good point. I think it's not UR of him to want to go away but at 26 I was still in my "travel the world and have adventures" phase. Even with a LT boyfriend/partner/SO Grin
But are you?

My experience was that at 9 months together my then Boyfriend went to work overseas for 6 months. After 3 months his company flew me to visit for 3 weeks. Luckily I could take that time off.
It worked for us because I understood his job and his lifestyle. And I thought he was taking advantage of great opportunities- like being able to visit places that once you settled down may not be possible.
And it suited us because when he changed jobs and we did live together we started adventures together.
And reader I did marry him. Got 2 DC now and I am so glad he got to work overseas then and visit amazing places. I just wish I'd been able to do as much as him at the time! My holidays were a bit more limited but I took advantage of every opportunity because that's what mattered to me then.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 02/02/2020 11:00

Apple, you asked for people’s views. If you don’t agree with them, fine, it’s your life. If you want to hang around waiting for the guy that’s entirely up to you, but the consensus seems to be YABU in your expectations under the circumstances, so better get used to living this way.

CakeandCustard28 · 02/02/2020 11:01

No offence but sounds like your his booty call for when he’s home.. not an actual relationship. That said you have no right to tell him not go on holiday 9 months into it. Cut your losses, you’re obviously not right for each other.

slipperywhensparticus · 02/02/2020 11:01

He sees you as convenient maybe?

Either way you dont sound like a match so I would be saying that too him as well as goodbye

Howdidido · 02/02/2020 11:01

So what matters to you OP? And is it the same thing as him?

ElloBrian · 02/02/2020 11:02

Were you perhaps expecting different answers, OP?

SoulStarS · 02/02/2020 11:02

DP is on quite a bit of money so he said travelling and seeing the world is important to him.

Yes. But without you. He’s made that crystal clear. Someone who wants to travel the world in their time off is on a very different path to the one you’re on right now. If this is a life you’re content with, then I guess you’ll have to live with it.

Be your own priority and value yourself enough to know when it’s time to walk away.

fairlyplump · 02/02/2020 11:02

oh and I voted incorrectly, if you had said how long you had been together and how young you both were I would have vote YABU

puds11 · 02/02/2020 11:03

I went for 10 days. It was short. If I went again it would be for a month.

aroundtheworldyet · 02/02/2020 11:04

It just sounds like you are in very different places in your lives. He wants a girlfriend to come home to. You want a serious relationship where you are a main priority.

Neither of you is wrong. You just want different things from each other.

At the 9 month point if something fundamental about the relationship is making you unhappy then you have to have a serious think about wether this is the relationship for you.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 11:05

@DarklyDreamingDexter 76% say im not being unreasonable?
Thanks for your advice everyone,
Im not stopping him going on holiday so dont understsnd why some of you are saying im not letting him go on holiday and that im stopping him seeing his friends?
Not once have i said he's not allowed to go on holiday or see his friends

OP posts:
Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 11:06

Nope, i got the answers I needed,
Thanks everyone xxxx

OP posts:
greenlavender · 02/02/2020 11:08

You're both young & the relationship is only 9 months old. I can see both sides.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 11:08

Seems it's a split opinion but I respect all answers,
I dont think him or I are being unreasonable, just a confrontation and we both agreed in the end he'd be home 2-3 days earlier,
Thanks for your time and i wont be coming back to this thread as it seems the main interest is on the fact i called him partner,
And people twisting what ive said and saying i dont allow him on holidays or to see his friends (dont know where that came from Hmm)

Thanks for your time! But it seems some people get enjoyment being nitpicky and twisting things which have been said

OP posts:
Dontdisturbmenow · 02/02/2020 11:09

The reality OP is that he doesn't miss you when he is away from you as you kiss him. He enjoys having you as girlfriend but when he is away he looks more forward to have fun doing whatever he is doing with this friend than being with you.

It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you or want ton progress but he is emotionally behind you and still at the state of 6iu bring just one part of his fulfilled life. It could change but it could also not as this might be just the way he is. How old is he?

CameFromAway · 02/02/2020 11:09

The reason people are calling you on the DP/BF bit is that we'd vote totally differently if it was your partner of 10 years, you have a home and children together
OR
you've been dating a few months, live separate lives and you want to control whether or not he holidays wiht friends.

As it's the latter case ~YABU.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 11:10

And thanks to those who genuinly gave good advice rather than being bitchy or nitpicky;
I will take on board the compatibility and how things go over the next few months :)

OP posts: