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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DP -aibu?

132 replies

Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:03

DP works away and it's a 2 week away , 2 week home rotation.
He went to new zealand woth a friend 4 months ago and stayed there for his 2 weeks home, only coming home 1 day before he left for work so i didnt see him for 6 weeks technically.

We went on a short european holiday at christmas time. He's gone back to work today and i took him to the airport in the early hours and we're fine now. But yesterday, i dont know if i was being unreasonable, we were on our way to the shops and he brought up thst he might go to austrailia with his friend during his 2 weeks home.
I asked why it had to be the entire 2 weeks and he said it's because there's no point going to austrailia for a week. This started an argument because i said i wont see him for 6 weeks again and i dont get why he has to go the entire 2 weeks.

He then said that he needs to go on holidays with his friends too and I agree he does but does he really need to go the entire 2 weeks!!

We settled on him coming home 3 days before he leaves but i dont know if im being aibu

OP posts:
Howdidido · 02/02/2020 10:41

And I think you insisting he comes home 3 days early does sound a bit controlling. Sorry

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:41

As mentioned previously, i dont call him partner irl

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 02/02/2020 10:42

Call him what you like OP. To be honest, I find the term boyfriend a bit ridiculous for someone over 20.

Also, if he doesn't have his own place and is staying with his parents and you when he's in the country, is he contributing to your expenses? Because if not, he really is living the life of Riley, isn't he. No wonder he can afford multiple holidays.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:42

I didnt say "you have to come home 3 days early",we argued and i expressed my wants

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 02/02/2020 10:42

Why can't you both go on these 2 week holidays
Most people’s jobs don’t enable frequent two week holidays!

OP, he is taking advantage of the luxury of two-week breaks to travel and see the world at a time when he has no responsibilities.

That is understandable.

What he hasn’t done is thought about that in the context of a Relationship.

It doesn’t sound as if he is ready to commit to keeping a significant relationship over his travel opportunities.

He needs to be honest about that, and if he is unable to be, you need to look at the reality and work out your position.

Are you hoping to have a future together, marriage, children?

Will his working life always be like this? Could you live like that forever, a single parent for two weeks every month?

Don’t hang on in hope. If you are looking for something settled and committed now, recognise that he just isn’t in that place atm and cut your losses.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:43

I can cope with the 2 week rotation, i just find 6 weeks a bit much when it diesnt have to be 6 weeks Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:44

Thanks for listening to my ranting everyone

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 02/02/2020 10:44

you've been together for roughly 40 weeks, he's been away working 20 of those weeks, been on holidays for at least 2 of those weeks, soon to be 4, so you've only actually been physically with him around 16 weeks? When he's away working for 2 weeks, on holiday for 2 weeks then back to work for 2 weeks, thats a long 6 weeks bot to see your bf and I'm sure a lot people wouldn't be happy with this plan, i guess it's what he wants to do , and you either have to accept it or cut your loses , I'd be looking for someone who wasn't away so much personally

MamaGee09 · 02/02/2020 10:45

SO you’ve been together 9 months and you only see him for half of that and he’s been on a few big holidays with friends ..... he’s not that into you, cut your losses and find someone who has the same outlook in life as you.

Drum2018 · 02/02/2020 10:46

9 months into a relationship where you have had opportunity to see each other for half that time, not living together, no kids. I think YABU. He is free to go on holiday if he wants, as are you. He's obviously not as committed to the relationship as you seem to be. He's used to coming and going with his job and probably not used to having a nagging gf. For his sake you're probably best to end things as you both have different ideas as to what you want from the relationships.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:46

Thanks and I totally agree, hence why i wasnt going to act "okay" for the sake of being a "cool" girlfriend

OP posts:
ElloBrian · 02/02/2020 10:47

Ok so
A) he’s not your partner, he’s your boyfriend
B) sounds like he’s in a time in his life when he wants to travel and explore; if you’re not in the same place then it’s not going to work because you will just end up moaning at him all the time
C) given the amount of time you actually have together it sounds as though he sees this relationship as considerably less serious than you do.

I would either adjust my expectations and let him get on with it, or move on.

MamaGee09 · 02/02/2020 10:47

I know that when I first started going out with dh he worked away but he couldn’t wait to spend time with them when he got home. He still saw his friends for a night out or two but Myself And his family were his priority. Not lads holidays.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:47

I didnt say he wasnt free to go on holiday.

OP posts:
puds11 · 02/02/2020 10:47

Tbf if I’d been him I’d have told you to shove it.

If he’s consistently worked away like this then 6 weeks away probably doesn’t seem much to him and he was likely doing these holidays before you arrived. I think you’re more invested in this than he is.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:48

Why are people making a big deal about the partner-boyfriend scenario,
Who cares what i call him? It's not a big deal whether i call him partner, boyfriend, honey, babe etc. Who cares

OP posts:
FranklySonImTheGaffer · 02/02/2020 10:50

I think YABU. I understand why going 6 weeks without seeing him is frustrating but I wouldn't bother flying all the way to Australia or NZ for anything less than 2 weeks. Add to that you've only been together 9 months so it's very early days - if I were him I d be quite frustrated with you asking me shorten my holidays.

Also, all the posters saying he's not that into you, I don't agree with that either. This early on he's just not jumping in feet first which isn't a bad thing.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 02/02/2020 10:51

If he was your long term DP as in you lived together, shared responsibilities, maybe even kids together, you’d not BU. However, in reality he’s just a boyfriend of 9 months who you only see half that time. If he wanted to spend more time with you, he would. The fact that he doesn’t says volumes. He’d rather have a laugh with his mates in his 2 weeks off. In the early days of a relationship, which this is if you’ve only effectively had 4.5 months with him because of his work pattern, if he was serious he’d be mad keen to see you. He’s not, so I’d be looking for someone who is for the long haul. Yep, time to move on and not spend your time waiting around for a man who’s not that bothered.

mummyway · 02/02/2020 10:52

Your not clingy but you are silly for staying with him. Pretty sure both he and his friend were getting with girls and will do so again. You are not a priority to him, sounded like more of an afterthought. Why are you being his driver.
Find someone who wants to spend time with you. Life is too short playing second fiddle

ElloBrian · 02/02/2020 10:52

And as for asking him to come back three days early from a two week trip to Australia - 😂 yeah right! That’s incredibly unreasonable. Two weeks is very short for Oz anyway and by the time he’s got over the jetlag he would have to think about coming back again. Then get to the U.K. (where I presume you are), get over the jetlag again, then go back to work. Madness.

Let him have his big trip for God’s sake. It may mystify you. But for people who enjoy travel, this kind of demand can be a deal breaker.

richteasandcheese · 02/02/2020 10:53

You been together 9 months, he's happy to not see you for 12 weeks (6 weeks last hols, 6 weeks this hols) and you've only see him for 2 weeks out of 4 for the other 6 months....I'd be reconsidering whether I wanted to waste any more time on him tbh

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:54

Pretry sure just under 2 weeks it's not that short considering my aunt and uncle were there for 7 days - 9 including the flights there and home,
I wish i could consider a 2 week holiday short,
Lucky you @ElloBrian

OP posts:
KatyCarrCan · 02/02/2020 10:56

I don't think he's that into you. It's still quite early in the relationship, especially since he's been away half that time so in real terms, you've had about 4 or 5 months together. That's the stage where you're usually desperate to see each other and spend all your time together but he'd rather go on lads' holidays.

SnoozyLou · 02/02/2020 10:56

I had a partner/boyfriend/whatever you're allowed to call him who was at uni, and used to stay at mine through the holidays. So he stayed all through the summer, and never offered to pay a bean.

Then he organised a party. I was invited, but only to ferry his friends to and from the party at the end of the night, not the bit in between.

It took that for me to realise what an idiot I'd been and knock it on the head.

I know that's a pretty extreme example, but it does sound like you're being taken for granted, and your wishes and needs aren't being met in the relationship. I would find someone who can and will be as present in the relationship as you need him to.

Whynosnowyet · 02/02/2020 10:56

You aren't a dp /gf - booty call maybe?

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