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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DP -aibu?

132 replies

Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:03

DP works away and it's a 2 week away , 2 week home rotation.
He went to new zealand woth a friend 4 months ago and stayed there for his 2 weeks home, only coming home 1 day before he left for work so i didnt see him for 6 weeks technically.

We went on a short european holiday at christmas time. He's gone back to work today and i took him to the airport in the early hours and we're fine now. But yesterday, i dont know if i was being unreasonable, we were on our way to the shops and he brought up thst he might go to austrailia with his friend during his 2 weeks home.
I asked why it had to be the entire 2 weeks and he said it's because there's no point going to austrailia for a week. This started an argument because i said i wont see him for 6 weeks again and i dont get why he has to go the entire 2 weeks.

He then said that he needs to go on holidays with his friends too and I agree he does but does he really need to go the entire 2 weeks!!

We settled on him coming home 3 days before he leaves but i dont know if im being aibu

OP posts:
Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:28

Sorry forgot to add in original post that he was off for 2 months over the christmas and new years period and we spent most of that time together but other than that it's a 2 week, 2 week rotation

OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 02/02/2020 10:28

Boyfriend of 9 months wants to go on holiday with his friend. Nothing wrong with that.

Brefugee · 02/02/2020 10:28

I'M guessing that for the 2 weeks work he's at least half-way to NZ or AUS? tbh if I were him I'd be taking convenient holidays like that too. I see you've only been together a short while and you're both relatively young.

I'm guessing his trips are a part of what he likes about his job. So basically you're going to have to either cut your losses and walk away, or see where it goes.

ButtonandPickle19 · 02/02/2020 10:29

Wow! If I was him I would run!
2 weeks in Australia is minimal! We’re going for 2 weeks next month and everyone has said “only 2 weeks?!”
YABU expecting him to go for less time. As long as he keeps in touch it’s very unfair to make him feel guilty for being away. What an amazing job he has to allow him to do that before the stresses of kids and marriage!

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:29

No he works in the middle of nowhere in europe so he comes home then flys from the UK the next day

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 02/02/2020 10:29

Where furs he live in UK? You, parents, own home?

tenlittlecygnets · 02/02/2020 10:30

You and he want different things. Sounds like you are not his top priority. Maybe you’d be better ending it?

You are perfectly entitled to say you’d like to spend more time with him but he is also entitled to say no, he’d rather see his friends.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/02/2020 10:30
  • Where does he live
Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:30

Because he's home for 2weeks, it's a moxture of parents and mine

OP posts:
Newkitchen123 · 02/02/2020 10:31

What was he doing while the friend was getting the girls?
I would cut my losses with this one

bigchris · 02/02/2020 10:31

they were both drunk every night and his friend was constantly getting with girls

And he just sits about on his own ? Yeah right , you're being taken for a mug op

You're young m they'll be nice local boys who want to spend all their time with you

Plus when you do want to settle down do you really want to parent with someone away that much ?

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:32

Im just highlighting i dont mind that he wants to holiday with friends, i understand that completely! But it's that surely he doesnt have to spend the entire 2 weeks there that our day tigether is spend with him unpacking and then packing again and then driving him to the airport

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 02/02/2020 10:32

If it's early days and you're not living together, I think him going on holidays with friends is reasonable. Given his work situation though, if his holidays mean you're barely seeing each other over the course of a month, several times a year, what's the point? And the 4 days holiday next summer is taking the piss! I know you probably aren't planning on Australia, but once you've got on the plane and unpacked, who wants to turn around in a couple of days and come back again? The same principle applies.

I think a lot of partners would struggle with the 2 week on 2 week off work pattern, without him choosing to put other barriers in the way. I don't see a lot of happiness in this, from your point of view.

Bartlet · 02/02/2020 10:32

Can’t see much of a future for this. You both seem to want different things. He’s perfectly entitled to want to work hard, play hard, travel the world and enjoy his down time with fab trips.

You shouldn’t be spending your time hanging around waiting for him. You seem ready for a serious relationship - he’s not right for you.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:33

He was videocalling me every night whilst there, sometimes in the actual nightclub so as far as i'm aware he's been loyal Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:34

Exactly, i said yesterday that if he lived at home then 2 weeks would seem like nothing but because he works away, 2 weeks added on to however long he's already away for seems like ages

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 02/02/2020 10:34

This is not a relationship with a future is it? I mean be honest with yourself now.

lidoshuffle · 02/02/2020 10:36

You say "partner" but he's only a boyfriend who works away half the time. You don't live together, so in real terms you've probably only seen each other a scant few months.

It sounds like you each see the relationship as very different things.

Rezie · 02/02/2020 10:36

I have a feeling you view the seriousness of the relationship differently. You are talking about partnership and taking your desires into consideration and making joint decisions. I'm sure he cares about you but insiders this to be early days of relationship where he can still do his thing and not yet in the next phase.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:38

I dont call him my partner, i call him my boyfriend irl, but just used "DP" as mumsnet terminology

OP posts:
Howdidido · 02/02/2020 10:38

I disagree with PP
You've been together 9 months. So probably only serious for 5 or 6? He comes and sees you for 2 week blocks at a time. That's a lot.
He wants to do one long trip a year- one that you cant afford. He also does a holiday with you.
His work schedule means that unfortunately if he wants to do a 2 week holiday he wont see you for 6 weeks. That's just a downside of his job! Not a downside of him wanting to go to Australia
And I agree with him. If he is flying half way round the world for a holiday he should go for the maximum time he can.
I think the problem is his job not his holiday. If it's not something you can cope with then dont be together. But i disagree that he isn't in to you- he comes to YOU on his 2 weeks off. That seems pretty committed to me. He just wants to go on holiday with a friend -because you cant go right? Could you plan a 2 week holiday for his next break after the australia holiday?

PigletJohn · 02/02/2020 10:39

Part-timer.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2020 10:40

I'm not sure you can classify him as a 'partner'. He's your boyfriend.

And you haven't seen enough of each other yet to even call it a committed relationship I don't think.

He's not unreasonable to spend his holidays as he wants. If he felt you were a serious 'couple' he'd be planning them with you.

Sorry. Cut your losses and move on.

Original poster
Apple6757 · 02/02/2020 10:40

I can afford to go away but if it's a big holiday, i'm saving for summer,
I do believe he loves me as we spend the 2 weeks together but i just asked him if he could come home for 2-3 days so we have some time together

OP posts:
Rezie · 02/02/2020 10:41

Yes, wonderful point @Howdidido