Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Withdrawing the offer of a loan

325 replies

ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 09:04

So very good friend, we’ve lent each other a grand or so over the years both always paid back on time. Complete trust.
She needs £7000 to get out of £28,000 of debt on an Iva.
Currently working full time with kids her life is difficult tbh.
We discussed this, I have about £5,000 I was prepared to lend her which I’ve worked hard for and £2,000 of that is my overdraft, she will cover the charges for when paying me back. Not as though this money is just lying around though.
I want to withdraw the offer and this is why. She’s still spending. This weekend it was another £500 on home improvements. Sensible in theory. But why am I going without and living frugally to help her out when she’s not helping herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 09:50

You’re all right. I’ll break the news next time we speak. Thank you all

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 02/02/2020 09:50

Don't lend her anything. You won't get it back and you'll lose a friend. I can't believe you are even considering it. You should never lend money you can't afford to lose.

DroppedBoxxedRuth · 02/02/2020 09:50

So glad you can see how wrong this all is OP

ElsieMc · 02/02/2020 09:51

Do not do this op. You are a friend anyone would want, but this is just foolish. I have learnt the hard way with my own DD. She has always been terrible with money and believe me constantly plugging the gap is not doing her any favours. We even remortgaged our home to pay family court fees so her children came to us and it was thousands.

At Christmas she bought the boys designer jackets at a cost of over £500, jewellery for others at £200, luxury weekends away. This is part financed by her boyfriend but she still asks me for money for food. There is no way I would say no to that, but she is now regularly borrowing £50 here and there from her sister. She has numerous CCJs.

I never take her shopping (other than for basics) because I know the pressure on me to buy her luxury items will be unbearable. It makes me feel horrible about myself.

It is my youngest gs's birthday soon and Ive bought him lovely clothes but didnt ring her for suggestions as she would have wanted designer outfits. I have learned to "manage" things over the years.

You have to tell her and tell her now. Whilst it will cause problems, you need to move away from her and her issues which are clearly sucking the joy out of your life.

On another note, you will find there are other "charges" on her house and you will be way down the list believe me op.

fishonabicycle · 02/02/2020 09:51

Ps how did she get into debt?

Melvinsmum2020 · 02/02/2020 09:52

Op, you seem obsessed with giving her money - why, just why?

I am constantly bemused by MN threads of people lending money to friends/family, but this takes batshit to the top level. Totally and utterly bonkers.

I have no doubt you will lend it, you seem to think it is your duty to sort her out. Maybe take a hard look at your own self esteem, why do YOU feel the need to sort your friend’s finances out, does it give your self esteem a boost?

Good luck, am sure you will be back here in a few months complaining about how you can’t live but your friend is still spending.

“Never a borrower nor lender be” is the motto that I grew up with, and totally applies to situations like this. Keep your finances completely separated from other peoples.

Emmacb82 · 02/02/2020 09:53

I wouldn’t lend anyone money if it meant me going into my overdraft! The banks are all starting to charge 40% for overdrafts now so don’t go down that road x

MRex · 02/02/2020 09:53

@ChrissieKeller61
The plan was to say she had sold something to me@MRex

So it wouldn't be registered as a loan at all and she would have no income left over to pay you. Did you not read what I wrote? The money will go straight to her debt, so the IVA will start looking at £21k instead of &28k. Then they won't take her repayments to you into account under her monthly expenditure. That's how it works and you would do the opposite of helping. It simply cannot be used to help her under the IVA system in the way you say it will. Please read up about IVA if you don't believe me. Also stop feeling sorry for her with this "10 years" rubbish, she isn't going into a debtors prison or modern-day slavery, she's just being given a sensible payment plan for her debt; if she earns £28k later then she can simply pay it all off and clear it.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 09:55

So it was things like damp, her kids have asmtha, electrical work.
But then a complete new room that cost thousands. Certainly not a basic model.
Her logic is that everything is “needed” and well it probably is but if you can’t afford it you have to manage don’t you.
It’s tricky.
I want a holiday and I’ll literally have to sneak off to have it

OP posts:
TARSCOUT · 02/02/2020 09:56

I think you've decided against but just wanted to be another no don't lend support for you. This is not normal to be lending these sorts.of money unless.you have 10 times.that in the bank! Also the IVA is a massive warning
You will not see.this money again. If you do lendi remember you have no say in what she does with it.

MimiLaRue · 02/02/2020 09:58

I want a holiday and I’ll literally have to sneak off to have it

Huh? why? you dont have to justify why you aren't lending her a ridiculous amount of money. I dont understand why you are so heavily invested in her life and are trying to take responsibility for her choices- this is incredibly unhealthy. I think you need to read up on over-responsibility and people pleasing. Read what you just wrote- does it not strike you as odd having to "hide" a holiday from a "friend". I think you need to look deeper into why you are so determined to take responsibility for this person who is a grown adult and is perfectly capable of making her own choices and decisions.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 10:00

I honestly hadn’t really thought of it like that @MimiLaRule as I say we’ve helped each other in the past

OP posts:
DowntownAbby · 02/02/2020 10:00

I'm disgusted that she is going to get away with repaying only £7k of £28k she owes!

The rest of us will be picking up the balance because whichever companies she owes the money to will get it back somehow.

It would be different if she had genuinely fallen on hard times and through no fault of her own couldn't meet the repayments but this is just taking the piss.

Angry
TheGirlWithAPrince · 02/02/2020 10:00

if you feek bad about withdrawing then lie, make up something you have had to suddenly pay for and say you just dont have it anymore, maybe a debt? or something you or your house needs or maybe that you owe a family member a few grand so have had to pay them back etc

JKScot4 · 02/02/2020 10:01

Why would you sneak off on holiday? You don’t need to justify yourself to this fool!
You mention her DP; so they are both spendthrifts? She’s in debt because she can’t stop spending not because her life is shit and she’s got a nice gullible friend who falls for her tales of woe.
A firm no and if she whines be truthful and say if she wants to clear her debt she has to stop spending.

FamilyOfAliens · 02/02/2020 10:01

I want a holiday and I’ll literally have to sneak off to have it

What? This sounds a very odd relationship OP, with you both regularly getting each out of debt to the tune of a thousand pounds. Is there something you’re not telling us about the set up?

Fedupofdoingit · 02/02/2020 10:01

So she will lie that she sold you something??
Therefore there is nothing at all that you would be able to do if she didn’t pay you back!! After all, legally, you never loaned her any money. You bought something from her and paid for it!!
Think about it OP, this means she doesn’t owe you anything, therefore you have NO protection and (because of overdraft fees) you could be the one in serious debt this time next year!!

TFthatsover · 02/02/2020 10:01

@SunOnAll Very wise words.

This happened to me but for a much smaller amount. Friend was apparently desperate and had bailiffs knocking on her door for something that "wasn't her fault". I was naive and handed over my (small) savings. She was all over Facebook the next day with photos of her new purchases and saying her and her DD had a great girly day out.

She then ghosted me, a good friend of 6 years. I have not lent anyone a single penny since and when asked to lend I politely and firmly say no.

Don't risk your financial future on this reckless spender. Your credit rating is too valuable.

Original poster
ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 10:02

So sorry just to clarify @MRex
She is under the impression that if she saves up £300 x 7 and I lend her the balance under the guise of buying something big from her, she can then take that money to the creditors and they will clear the entire £28,000 - is that not an option ?

OP posts:
CakeandCustard28 · 02/02/2020 10:02

Her debt, her problem. Why should you make yourself in debt for her? When she’s still spending nilly willy? If she was serious about paying her debt off she’d be saving towards it so she wouldn’t have to borrow so much. I’d simply say “sorry I can’t lend it to you anymore, it’s to much money and you’re not helping yourself by saving.” Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind to yourself.

Melvinsmum2020 · 02/02/2020 10:03

@ElsieMc

Why on earth are you giving your DD money for food if she is spending £500 on designer jackets? Maybe the only way for her to learn is to not be bankrolled by parents, even for food! Let her take the jackets back for refunds when she needs food!

Winter2020 · 02/02/2020 10:03

Hi,
I wouldn't loan the money but I also wouldn't say that this is because she is spending as this would appear judgey and could affect the friendship. I would simply say that I have got cold feet about lending the money as I have x, y, z coming up or my car on it's last legs or whatever. Could add that it has took me x years to save and I just can't risk it as although I trust her completely anyone could lose their job or get ill and be unable to pay back.

"ChrissieKeller61 Sun 02-Feb-20 09:37:30
Tbh her life is just so shit @saraclara
I feel terrible enjoying myself when I can see 10 years of all this ahead of her I suppose"
You are making far too much of this. The £300 that she can supposedly squirrel away would pay it back in just over seven years ( I believe there is no interest?)

Let's assume that the IVA agreement is that she pays back £300 so that plus the £300 she can "squirrel away" (£600 a month) would see the debt repaid in 3 and a half years.

She should just pay back the debt that she owes (and I say that as someone with plenty of debt) but again I wouldn't get into that debate with her just say you are sorry that you can't help and it's not because you don't trust her.

CakeandCustard28 · 02/02/2020 10:04

i lend her the balance under the guise of buying something big from her

This is a terrible idea. Yes she’s paid you back in the past but what if she doesn’t this time? You have no way of protecting yourself, no way to legally get the money back. Do not do it OP.

ScabbyBabby · 02/02/2020 10:04

You’re obviously a very kind person op but please don’t lend money you can’t afford to lose.

You shouldn’t be feeling guilt over this- she should be embarrassed for even asking. You haven’t done anything wrong!

If you want to help her, then when her financial situation really does implode then take her a bag of groceries round if you can afford it. Don’t get yourself into debt for her and don’t give her your Savings- if you have an emergency what will you do?

lizzzyyliveson · 02/02/2020 10:04

I think the friendship will end when you tell her that you are not giving her the money.

Do you have any way of putting your savings out of your control? Eg give the passbook to your Mum to safekeep or get your DP to change the password so you can't actually hand it over to her when she turns on the tears.