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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling disappointed with in-laws about DH birthday

126 replies

Meshy12 · 02/02/2020 02:14

Hi

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable here. It’s a big birthday for DH soon and his two siblings and their families are coming to visit us in London.

We have visited up north for each of their big birthdays and tended to spend a lot of time there. When they have visited us down South we tend to treat them and either let part of the group stay with us in our small house or help them with costs.

They lost a parent last year and this will be the first family event they will be celebrating since that happened - my DH being the baby of the family and the only one to not have his mum there for his big day.

So I wanted to plan something nice for them and their kids, assuming they would be here from Friday night to Sunday nighty- so Friday evening dinner, Saturday brunch/ trip in London, drinks with them and DH friends too on Sat night and lunch on Sunday before they go back.

But I was Then told by one of DH’s siblings that their friends are competing in a tournament in London on the Saturday so they want to watch them and will also take their two teenage kids (our nephews)- they asked us To book something for them and they can attend if they can. I explained the places I was looking at needed fixed numbers.

They then said they will come to the brunch on Saturday and then see their friends after - this was totally find as the contest is only a small part of the weekend.

Today they have told me that: their partner (also my in-law I suppose) is competing in this contest now (obviously it was a last minute decision). And also that their train back is at 10am Sunday from a central station in London- an hour away from us.

I haven’t said anything but I am upset. My husband is very calm but did say it doesn’t seem to be worth them coming as we won’t be able to see them.
So:

  • this is my husbands big birthday and the first following a major bereavement - I wanted to make it really special for him
  • I think they won’t be able to stay out late on the Friday night due to the competition, we won’t see them on the Saturday until the evening and I assume they will then have to leave early probably so they can be fresh for the train
  • this in-law is usually very kind and protective over my husband but seems thoughtless about this - I am grateful she is coming down but she doesn’t seem to be prioritising her brother!

DH’s other sibling and their family will be with us the whole Time

We always go up without a seconds thought - even with a newborn! I feel like my husband is secretly upset but doesn’t want to say anything.

AIBU? Or am I expecting too much? Is there any diplomatic way To handle this?

Thanks

OP posts:
rvby · 02/02/2020 02:30

This seems like a very big deal being made of a birthday. My own mother would do no more than text me on my birthday... not everyone makes this big a deal of things...

Isnt it possible that your IL is feeling delicate after the bereavement as well? And maybe doesnt really want to have a party?

BuddingBaker · 02/02/2020 02:42

Hi there,

I don't think its unreasonable to be upset by this. It's a big birthday for your husband but it seems like that may be something of an afterthought for them with the competition taking priority, so presumably you'll only be able to spend time with them for a couple hours on Friday and Saturday evening which is pretty poor if they were originally coming to visit to celebrate his birthday. I expect you wont even see them Sunday as they'll have to be gone by 9am if not earlier!

If I were you, I'd just focus on planning some nice activities with the sibling and family you will be spending time with and tell the other sibling you won't book a place for them if they can't confirm they will definitely be there and let them know where you will be if they decide they want to join you afterwards. Its disappointing but try to make the best of the situation and enjoy the time you have with the family who want to spend time with you and your husband - if the other sibling misses out, that is very much on them for deciding to go to a competition after previously committing to spending time with you.

To avoid causing unnecessary drama or tension I'd just say that you can't book a place unless they can confirm that they will be attending because you need to give exact numbers in advance, that it's a shame your husband wont see more of them on his big birthday and that they are more than welcome to join you for drinks etc after your booked activities.

Hope that helps!

curiousierandcouriser · 02/02/2020 03:12

Yes, I would be disappointed to, but just make the best of. You can't control other people's plans. All you can do is get them to confirm if they are planning to come to the brunch and get on with having a nice time with those who are there.

As PP said, don't push it or risk causing drama and spoiling the day further.

ShonaAndTheWaterHorse · 02/02/2020 03:20

So I wanted to plan something nice for them and their kids, assuming they would be here from Friday night to Sunday nighty- so Friday evening dinner, Saturday brunch/ trip in London, drinks with them and DH friends too on Sat night and lunch on Sunday before they go back

It sounds an awful fuss for a birthday.

SnoozyLou · 02/02/2020 03:24

It's difficult. I do think a meal is sufficient to celebrate a birthday, and if thats when their train is, that's fair enough.

But this does sound a bit like they're making the whole weekend about them and using your home as a base for the partner's competition. If they can't even enjoy the meal without worrying how late it is and what time you'll be home, I do think that's taking the Mickey.

RainbowMum11 · 02/02/2020 03:32

Oh don't talk rubbish - some people like to make a fuss of landmark birthdays, even including family 🧐

RainbowMum11 · 02/02/2020 03:33

If you live a distance from siblings and family then a weekend surely makes sense?

Hell, celebrate as much as you can - life is far too short not to

katy1213 · 02/02/2020 03:39

I agree, it sounds far too big a production for a birthday. They're coming quite a distance - you're seeing them - that sounds plenty. 'His big day' for heaven's sake! He's not 10!

Shev1996 · 02/02/2020 03:45

OP I doubt this is just about the birthday, although this is wrong that they couldn’t prioritise a couple of days for him. I’ve had similar issues in the past with my own family, I love them, but all contact is when I visit and it’s always us taking time off work to suit them.

It took me having a minor meltdown and telling them how I felt and how just for once it would be nice if someone else could prioritise us like we do them. To be honest it was hard but they didn’t realise it was a big deal but things have been much better since admitting how we felt. They just saw us rearranging and coming to visit as a normal thing fitting around their own life

Maybe this is how your in-laws feel? It’s not saying they’re not in the wrong, but if you’re too accommodating maybe they see it as it’s ok

Marchitectmummy · 02/02/2020 04:38

Is your husband bothered? I'm probably a bit biased as I can't understand the fuss of birthdays for adults but I think don't spoil it and accept they will come and go and enjoy them when they are around.

Mumdiva99 · 02/02/2020 04:44

What is the contest? Can you all go and watch it? Don't stress they'll be with you Friday night and Saturday night. (how old are your kids? Is it a case that their teenage boys will be bored doing what you suggested?)

Limpshade · 02/02/2020 04:49

Sorry but this all sounds a bit OTT for a birthday, even a milestone one. They will be with you from Friday night until Sunday morning and have even said they will see you before their event on Saturday afternoon, so that's not something that's even taking up the whole day. Yes, you had a series of events in your head that you wanted to do but you have to accept it might just be too much for your in-laws and their children.

leafyskyline · 02/02/2020 05:11

Can everyone who is desperate to prove how adult they are deriding celebrations for milestone birthdays just fuck off not bother posting. The OP has made it clear that it's normal and expected for this family.

OP, I think you should have a chat with DSIL and explain that given how keenly DMILs absence will be felt that you're concerned how that the lack of their presence over the weekend will make DH feel. I'd be tempted to also pointedly drop in that it would be especially noticed as for the rest of the families significant birthdays everyone has been there all weekend.

They are being cheeky fuckers of the highest order. Using your DH birthday as a springboard for seeing other people, fitting him in as an afterthought and using your house as free accommodation to do so!!! So rude.

Brazi103 · 02/02/2020 05:47

We always go up without a seconds thought - even with a newborn!

But you chose to do this and rather put them ahead of your newborn.
They are choosing to put their priorities first. I dont think they are necessarily wrong, its just that you have different priorities.
I do think it's a huge fuss though, and surely if they do get to you it should be enough?

Bobleywobley · 02/02/2020 06:06

Your original plans would be too much for me. I can take a day socialising, even with people i love, but i would be round the bend and craving some alone time after 3 days in a row. You'll be seeing them for three meals (2 evenings and brunch)...this seems a lot. You sound a tiny bit controlling and i wouldn't fall out over it.

BlackCatSleeping · 02/02/2020 06:12

I think you are expecting too much. People are busy and they are making an effort to come down. Just organise the dinner and brunch, etc that you were planning with the other sibling and let his sister and co. just come to the bits that suit them and do their own thing otherwise.

I would add that I'm a fairly laid back person, so it wouldn't bother me much at all. I understand it's a pain booking restaurants though, so I'd just book them in and if they don't show, apologise to the restaurant and have them make the tables smaller. It's not the end of the world.

Beautiful3 · 02/02/2020 06:30

Personally I think hes being rude. The whole point of the trip is to spend time together. Not to enter and participate in a competition, and leave early on the last day?! I would just say to him, let's meet up another weekend you're free. Otherwise I'd feel like they're using me for accommodation. Just spend the weekend with the other sibling and his family.

BlackCatSleeping · 02/02/2020 06:33

I couldn't work out if they were staying with the OP or not.

Winter2020 · 02/02/2020 06:52

Hi OP,
I understand why you are disappointed but perhaps they would find it too much having their whole weekend organised for them. Anyway they have voted with their feet and you can only respect it.

I agree don't book for them Saturday night get them to meet you for drinks after. I can't see why 2 adults and 2 teenagers would need to go to bed early in order to catch a train at 10 on Sunday so they may be happy to stay out.

Help to make your partners day special by being relaxed and having a good time with his family. Being with them morning, noon and night for 3 days isn't necessary. Don't be surprised if the other family need a bit of breathing space either.

EugeniaGrace · 02/02/2020 06:55

I am with the poster who says your original plan would be too much for me. I also need breaks between socialising or hosting and the competition makes for good small talk when you see them after.

You will still see them potentially both evenings an a brunch. This would be enough for me to feel I had seen family.

timeisnotaline · 02/02/2020 06:55

I’d be a bit upset, but just concentrate on hanging out with the other family. Agree with others you should say we won’t book a place for you unless you are coming. It wouldn’t be too unreasonable to add and I don’t want dh to spend his birthday dinner hoping you turn up, much better to know beforehand. And say quietly to other siblings bit disappointed not to see much of x. But if they are usually great I’d definitely let it slide.

Small point, your husbands siblings spouses/long term partners are definitely your in laws too. My husbands family all went out to a lovely dinner last night, had a private room booked and speeches and dressed up for his brothers big birthday and they are all my inlaws.

Oysterbabe · 02/02/2020 06:57

No one needs to be fresh for the train. I'm sure you'll have a nice Saturday night out, which is ample as a birthday celebration.

greenlavender · 02/02/2020 06:58

They can't chose when the competition is...

Ohyesiam · 02/02/2020 07:03

Maybe the sibling feels they have to change how family events are more that mum is no longer around, and can’t handle doing the same sort of thing without her?

HelgaHere1 · 02/02/2020 07:03

I have found, though others might disagree, that interest in birthdays wanes further down the famiy you go. So first born is always the first to reach the milestone so gets the biggest party. By the youngest everyone is a bit meh. I have fallen over backwards to be fair to my DCs but I have noticed it with DGCs of others, by the time the youngest comes along people are more likely to forget their birthday entirely.