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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling disappointed with in-laws about DH birthday

126 replies

Meshy12 · 02/02/2020 02:14

Hi

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable here. It’s a big birthday for DH soon and his two siblings and their families are coming to visit us in London.

We have visited up north for each of their big birthdays and tended to spend a lot of time there. When they have visited us down South we tend to treat them and either let part of the group stay with us in our small house or help them with costs.

They lost a parent last year and this will be the first family event they will be celebrating since that happened - my DH being the baby of the family and the only one to not have his mum there for his big day.

So I wanted to plan something nice for them and their kids, assuming they would be here from Friday night to Sunday nighty- so Friday evening dinner, Saturday brunch/ trip in London, drinks with them and DH friends too on Sat night and lunch on Sunday before they go back.

But I was Then told by one of DH’s siblings that their friends are competing in a tournament in London on the Saturday so they want to watch them and will also take their two teenage kids (our nephews)- they asked us To book something for them and they can attend if they can. I explained the places I was looking at needed fixed numbers.

They then said they will come to the brunch on Saturday and then see their friends after - this was totally find as the contest is only a small part of the weekend.

Today they have told me that: their partner (also my in-law I suppose) is competing in this contest now (obviously it was a last minute decision). And also that their train back is at 10am Sunday from a central station in London- an hour away from us.

I haven’t said anything but I am upset. My husband is very calm but did say it doesn’t seem to be worth them coming as we won’t be able to see them.
So:

  • this is my husbands big birthday and the first following a major bereavement - I wanted to make it really special for him
  • I think they won’t be able to stay out late on the Friday night due to the competition, we won’t see them on the Saturday until the evening and I assume they will then have to leave early probably so they can be fresh for the train
  • this in-law is usually very kind and protective over my husband but seems thoughtless about this - I am grateful she is coming down but she doesn’t seem to be prioritising her brother!

DH’s other sibling and their family will be with us the whole Time

We always go up without a seconds thought - even with a newborn! I feel like my husband is secretly upset but doesn’t want to say anything.

AIBU? Or am I expecting too much? Is there any diplomatic way To handle this?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Meshy12 · 02/02/2020 09:13

@BlackCatSleeping I take your point but we wojld have done some fun things specifically for the teenagers eg in the past we have taken speed boats, taken them to winter wonderland etc - - which is what I wojld have organised for the Saturday this time too. and they have enjoyed it so much they have visited us in London on their own without their parents

So I don’t think it’s the teenagers driving this

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 02/02/2020 09:15

I wonder if, nothing to do with the lovely things you have planned, DBIL is still very upset about his DMs death and doesn’t want a whole weekend of family and potential for talk of DM to come up, or her shadow of not being there sitting on his shoulder a lot, and nice DP is aware of this and supporting by finding a reason for them to spend part of the time away but still come and participate within their personal limits at this time.

Nothing to do with the plans, or DH, or you.

I may be totally wrong, but it’s worth considering if it’s not to do with you/DH but their coping with other things.

BlackCatSleeping · 02/02/2020 09:16

I crossed posts with you BTW. They are coming to the drinks on Saturday, right? I mean they are going to travel a long way to see him on his birthday, but they just want to do other things too. I'm sorry, I don't think it's a huge problem that they can't attend all 4 meals. They are planning to attend 2. I think it's enough, but I'm sensing you don't agree, so I'll leave it there.

ButtonandPickle19 · 02/02/2020 09:16

I think Yanbu to be annoyed and to explain that to them. That it’s his birthday celebration and if you’re financially contributing to them being there, you expect them to be there! It’s one weekend for him and it shouldn’t be too much to ask x

BlackCatSleeping · 02/02/2020 09:18

Sorry, crossed posts again. I think it's just bad timing with the event.

Anyway, it is what it is, so don't let it upset you. I think my point about the money is maybe don't put yourself out for them so much in the future.

PianoTuner567 · 02/02/2020 09:21

If you gently told them your POV, without criticising them, and asked them to reconsider, how would they take it? If you have a good relationship with them, it might be worth a try.

And I agree with sinkgirl - absolutely celebrate a birthday if you want, you’re only here once.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 02/02/2020 09:22

I think that your DH's family have always known when his birthday is and how old he is and, given they have celebrated in style, if I'd been in their position, I'd have turned down attending the tournament because I'd have known I'd be seeing my brother for his 40th.

Really sorry OP, I can see why you are upset and/or disappointed with them over this. Dealing with it tactfully all comes down to family dynamics so you are probably in a better position than MNers to know how to deal with this.

Could you just tell the sibling that you are really disappointed for your DH, especially after losing MIL and that spending milestones together seems even more important now?

Lenny1980 · 02/02/2020 09:22

Do we have a lot of Jehovah’s witnesses on this thread?

OP YANBU. it’s not just making a fuss for a big birthday. It’s planning a nice few days for family that have come down to visit you for the weekend. I wouldn’t dream of visiting family for the weekend and then fucking off to do my own thing.

Frenchw1fe · 02/02/2020 09:23

Theyre killing two birds with one stone and unfortunately youre getting the least time.
I think it's a bit rude of them but personally I would aim to make the weekend amazing for everyone who is there and give the others as much thought as they're giving you.

HelloYouTwo · 02/02/2020 09:24

So you are paying toward their hotel but they aren’t coming to the birthday dinner? That’s really rude. They can’t expect you to sub their accommodation for going to their competition?!

redcarbluecar · 02/02/2020 09:25

Another one frustrated by people answering a different question. OP didn't ask whether or not it's OK to make a fuss for a milestone birthday. If some of you don't like to do much on your birthdays, that's fine. You won't be facing OP's dilemma. For other people, birthdays are an excuse to get people together and try to have a good time.
OP, this would annoy me too, but I think the best thing might be to grit your teeth and do your best to accommodate them. Try to get them to be clear about when they will and won't be with you, so that there's no wasted effort on your part. It sounds as though you'll be able to have a nice time on the Friday and Saturday nights.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 02/02/2020 09:28

Do we have a lot of Jehovah’s witnesses on this thread?
I don't think so but any posts about birthdays and Christmas brings out loads of MNers who don't buy cards yet alone presents for family (or treat it as just a normal day).
I think people who do celebrate these occasions are afraid to raise their head above the parapet for fear of being derided.

Some posters don't realise they don't actually have to post and make their petty, critical comments.

NChangeForNoReason · 02/02/2020 09:30

Use the tried and tested mn response

"I'm sorry this does not work for us.

Given the situation is it possible for you to forgo the completion? DH is only 40 once! If not, i hope you understand we can only book confirmed places for our activities however it will be lovely to see u at the pub for casual drinks"

MRex · 02/02/2020 09:31

It's understandable to be frustrated. Like others have suggested, it might be that they're worried about missing their mum too much by having a focus on a family party, but it looks like they'll be around for two evenings which is good. There isn't really anything you can do about it except ask if they can stay longer (but they probably won't) and then get over it. If you raise it as an issue then you'll just create ill-feeling. Try and empathise instead of being angry, because there aren't any better options.

blondiebrowneyes · 02/02/2020 09:33

I too would be disappointed with them, but they will be there for the dinner on Friday, plus the get together on Saturday evening so it's not like you won't see them. I would just concentrate on having fun with the other half of the family and let them get on with it.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 02/02/2020 09:41

I would be disappointed in them too. They are being quite rude and selfish.
I would suggest a gentle message to say you and dh are disappointed they have prioritised a competition over the birthday plans. Depending on their response I would withdraw paying for accommodation.

be47 · 02/02/2020 09:45

I know you've said his family make a big deal about birthdays, but it sounds like they've had big parties rather than whole weekends of multiple smaller events? So maybe the quantity of time spent together is the problem? I love a big party but a whole weekend with extended family would still be a struggle, especially if someone was missing due to a bereavement.

pandora101 · 02/02/2020 09:46

I still dont know why the whole family cant go to that competition thing? is it about the tickets?

Original poster
Meshy12 · 02/02/2020 09:49

@pandora101 it’s some fitness contest (not like strongman though) and really doesn’t interest me, DH or our 7 year old and 10 year old nieces enough to do that on his birthday

OP posts:
TimeMarchesOnNeverEnding · 02/02/2020 09:55

What @leafyskyline said.

They all expected it for their birthdays but now one lot can't be bothered for his. It's shit OP but it is what it is now. Just have a load of fun without them.

Grief does make people act strangely though, so if it is still a bit new and a bit raw for everyone, maybe give them a bit of a pass this time.

LIZS · 02/02/2020 09:56

It all sounds a bit of a fuss all round and suffocating. They get to celebrate your dh bday on Friday/Saturday morning/evening and do their own thing. Shame they are returning so early in Sunday but is it a long trip or maybe the cheapest fare? When exactly is his bday?

Sceptre86 · 02/02/2020 09:56

I dont see it as too much effort to make for a special birthday for a sibling but then I love mine and would not prioritise friends over them. I also think it is poor form to go to stay with someone and arrange to do activities without them. You are not a hotel. That being said you are focusing too much on the sibling who is not making effort, don't! Instead enjoy the time with the sibling that is making more of an effort for your dh. You really can't control what other people do, let it go. However, remember that you dont need to jump whenever they invite you to theirs.

airbags · 02/02/2020 09:57

Sorry but I think you're being a bit unreasonable, but of course you can feel disappointed that they're not prioritising your DH.
I think you're over managing everyones time - Friday dinner, Saturday brunch/ trip in London, drinks Sat night, lunch on Sunday.

There's nothing wrong with them arranging something that they want to do and seeing your DH at some point during the weekend.
Just because you want to fill their time from the minute they arrive to when they go home doesn't mean they have to comply.
Plus assuming, the competition they want to do in London has set timing and they can't just pop down to London any time to do it.
It sounds like you'll still have a lovely time anyway as you're making him feel special and other family will still be there. I hope you have a good weekend.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 02/02/2020 10:05

All this would be far too much for me. Always in a family there are some that like to do more, your choice, but not everyone likes such a big hurrah and be so organised by others. You are in danger of whipping up disappointment . It would be better to meet up as they want without the 3 line whip

C8H10N4O2 · 02/02/2020 10:08

I,think excessive focus and fuss drives an egocentric culture

From the person who posts repeatly about their overblown Christmases every year, multiple holidays and an overblown wedding for the "princess".

I also think it is poor form to go to stay with someone and arrange to do activities without them

Yes I agree. You don't accept someone's hospitality and a subsidy to attend event X and then swan off to event Y. Very poor form.

However I also agree that focusing on the family who do want to participate makes more sense. If the teenagers are not interested in the strong man event then take them along too.