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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling disappointed with in-laws about DH birthday

126 replies

Meshy12 · 02/02/2020 02:14

Hi

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable here. It’s a big birthday for DH soon and his two siblings and their families are coming to visit us in London.

We have visited up north for each of their big birthdays and tended to spend a lot of time there. When they have visited us down South we tend to treat them and either let part of the group stay with us in our small house or help them with costs.

They lost a parent last year and this will be the first family event they will be celebrating since that happened - my DH being the baby of the family and the only one to not have his mum there for his big day.

So I wanted to plan something nice for them and their kids, assuming they would be here from Friday night to Sunday nighty- so Friday evening dinner, Saturday brunch/ trip in London, drinks with them and DH friends too on Sat night and lunch on Sunday before they go back.

But I was Then told by one of DH’s siblings that their friends are competing in a tournament in London on the Saturday so they want to watch them and will also take their two teenage kids (our nephews)- they asked us To book something for them and they can attend if they can. I explained the places I was looking at needed fixed numbers.

They then said they will come to the brunch on Saturday and then see their friends after - this was totally find as the contest is only a small part of the weekend.

Today they have told me that: their partner (also my in-law I suppose) is competing in this contest now (obviously it was a last minute decision). And also that their train back is at 10am Sunday from a central station in London- an hour away from us.

I haven’t said anything but I am upset. My husband is very calm but did say it doesn’t seem to be worth them coming as we won’t be able to see them.
So:

  • this is my husbands big birthday and the first following a major bereavement - I wanted to make it really special for him
  • I think they won’t be able to stay out late on the Friday night due to the competition, we won’t see them on the Saturday until the evening and I assume they will then have to leave early probably so they can be fresh for the train
  • this in-law is usually very kind and protective over my husband but seems thoughtless about this - I am grateful she is coming down but she doesn’t seem to be prioritising her brother!

DH’s other sibling and their family will be with us the whole Time

We always go up without a seconds thought - even with a newborn! I feel like my husband is secretly upset but doesn’t want to say anything.

AIBU? Or am I expecting too much? Is there any diplomatic way To handle this?

Thanks

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 02/02/2020 12:55

I think it's one thing not to take part in all the events you've arranged, and another to make other plans using your generosity as a springboard for their own interests. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, as it will just spoil it, but I would carry on making plans and with the rest of the family and not extend the offer to them again. And if they offer to pay for themselves, even once, I would have never qualms in letting them.

YummyChipCurryDip · 02/02/2020 13:23

I think you're over managing everyones time - Friday dinner, Saturday brunch/ trip in London, drinks Sat night, lunch on Sunday

I think definitely this, particularly a Saturday afternoon in London. It's just not my idea of fun. My husband's family like to make a fuss of big birthdays to the point of hiring a big house for all 18 of us equidistant for everyone. We have main evening meal together but for the rest of the day we do our own thing/small groups doing one thing etc. I don't think many like to have the whole day planned out for them.

Knittedfairies · 02/02/2020 13:28

I'd be disappointed too, but would still celebrate the birthday as planned, just without them.

Rozbos · 02/02/2020 13:31

Op I think you have been very kind and generous and they are behaving poorly. I would still try to make DH birthday special, with or without them.

RuggerHug · 02/02/2020 13:35

I'd put it back on them and say 'since that weekend doesn't work for you, will we do DHs birthday celebrations the weekend before or after? Were your ones on the actual weekend or did we go up to spend them with you on a different date?'

saraclara · 02/02/2020 13:40

I think it's one thing not to take part in all the events you've arranged, and another to make other plans using your generosity as a springboard for their own interests.

Yep. To be honest, if I'm having a weekend away with family, I need some free time to be involved. I wouldn't appreciate every moment being managed for me. But I think accepting your hotel money and using it for their own convenience to this extent, crosses a line.

altiara · 02/02/2020 13:40

I wouldn’t offer money for the hotel when they’re making it clear DHs birthday is a side aspect to the trip. Bet they bail out of the Sat night meal and drinks and then you’ll be really pissed off.

BarbedBloom · 02/02/2020 13:46

This would also be too much for me, especially if we were all back at work and school on Monday. When we visit in laws we always have some time away as I am an introvert and cannot be around people constantly. I also wouldn't want to walk around London and teens and babies have very different ideas of fun.

We do make a big deal of big birthdays in my family but we wouldn't jam in constant stuff all weekend as none of us would want to be together almost constantly for three days. So I can see both sides here to be honest.

timeisnotaline · 02/02/2020 13:56

It would be sooo rude for them not to come to Saturday dinner if you are contributing to their hotel!! I would honeslty call and say we seem to have crossed wires. We invited you for dhs 40th birthday and you are coming to London... but not to his birthday dinner? Is there something dh has done? As he is a bit upset about it.
I prob wouldn’t mention the money but would be fuming.

And ,
I,think excessive focus and fuss drives an egocentric culture

From the person who posts repeatly about their overblown Christmases every year, multiple holidays and an overblown wedding for the "princess".

Ooh BURN Grin

TamiTaylor · 02/02/2020 13:59

I think you sound very caring OP.

In our extended family we were the ones with teenagers when all nieces and nephews were younger and we found it made things difficult for us. Teenagers often have homework and other commitments over the weekend and so we'd be the ones having to leave early on the Sunday as a compromise for them.

We could remember the baby/primary stage but of course they had no experience of a family with teenagers.

ShouldistayShouldigo · 02/02/2020 14:09

YANBU but if they're going to let DP down you have to let them do it.

Squirrelblanket · 02/02/2020 14:29

I wouldn't want my time planned to that extent when visiting family and would definitely need some time to myself. When we visit family we always plan to leave early (usually right after breakfast) on the Sunday because we have to get ready for the week ahead and would also like some time to chill by ourselves. If they are getting a train back to Scotland from London I can totally see why they wouldn't want to hang around having lunch first. So I think you are expecting a bit much really.

The only thing that does change it for me is that they've allowed you to help them financially with the hotel. It's a bit CF to accept this and then make other plans for much of the day on your husband's birthday. I think doing something in the afternoon is fine but it's the way they've been a bit vague about whether they will make it back for drinks in the evening which would annoy me.

Lenny1980 · 02/02/2020 16:34

Who goes to visit family and then doesn’t spend the time with family?! You may as well say I just don’t like you enough to spend the time with you (especially when they live a few hundred miles apart, as these guys do).

WellWellWellWhatHaveWeHere · 02/02/2020 16:59

I think everyone is being a little unreasonable here.

They are, for accepting money from you and then not seeing you for a huge portion of the weekend.

You are, a little bit, for not thinking that a big birthday celebration weekend really really might not be what any of the rest of them want or need in the wake of losing their mother. If I had recently lost my mum the kind of thing you’re doing would be incredibly painful. I might be able to put on a smile for dinner/drinks for the sake of others, but definitely not a full weekend. Could this be part of the reason, if you generally find your in laws to be considerate and caring toward your husband?

I don’t mean to be harsh, it’s very clear from your posts that you’re just trying to do your best for your husband.

JRUIN · 02/02/2020 17:32

You are obviously a very caring wife OP but also strike me as quite a controlling in-law. Your in-laws lost their mother too, and just because they're not the 'baby' of the family and their DM was around for their last birthdays does not mean that they are not hurting too. Cut them some slack, let them enjoy their weekend in the way they wish to and try to be happy that they are coming down at all.

Original poster
Meshy12 · 02/02/2020 18:32

I’m not the one forcing any Birthday party - his sister is the one who said she wants to come down and celebrate it as their mum would have wanted that. And her brother booked the trip too

Like I said my husband didn’t want a surprise party or anything - he has just invited a few friends around and wanted to spend the rest of the time with his family just hanging out

I would never force a celebration if they didn’t want it!

So I planned things for us to do as a family!! It was all going ok until a few days ago - That is why her behaviour is doubly weird

OP posts:
Original poster
Meshy12 · 02/02/2020 18:33

But I take your point that maybe this is grief and not worth falling out over - I can just do what I can to treat my husband and cheer him up

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 02/02/2020 19:00

I'd be miffed too OP.

I'd have no issue if they wanted to do something for a few hours as a family but this event dominates the entire weekend.

Rather than accepting an invitation to celebrate their brothers birthday and sought to "shoehorn" another minor activity into the visit it's appears to be the reverse - which is especially galling as you've helped towards the expense of accommodation.

Obviously I can't say for sure, but it doesn't sound like it's grief related - rather that they've got over excited at the prospect of this event and haven't given much thought to the wider implications.

All that said I'm not sure what you can do about it. I think if anyone was to say anything it probably needs to be your DH or alternatively his brother.

Localocal · 03/02/2020 17:58

I'm sorry OP. You sound like a kind and thoughtful person and your inlaws are not meeting you halfway. Can you email them and ask them to extend so that they can have at least one meal with your husband for his birthday?

FelicisNox · 03/02/2020 18:24

It's shitty.

There's no thought from them for your DH only themselves, it may be they are struggling with the loss of their parent and this is their coping mechanism but they need to COMMUNICATE that.

Talk to your DH to get a firm grasp of how he feels but don't push him. Tell him you're cross on his behalf but are giving them the benefit of the doubt re: grieving process and you won't make a big deal out of it and will continue with the current plan minus one sibling.

The odds are his other sibling isn't best pleased either so I doubt you're alone in your ire.

Concentrate on making hubs feel loved and valued and ramp it up a bit to make him feel super special on Saturday evening.

You can't control or take responsibility for other peoples behaviour so don't try but don't go running up north at the drop of a hat in future.

Also: ignore the comments re: you're making drama. You're not. Just because other people don't celebrate birthdays or think enough of others too does not make you a drama queen. He's your husband, you love him and he's hurt. Perfectly normal in my book.

I'm taking mine to New York for his 50th. It was very reasonable, problem solved. Wink

Tomcat1234 · 03/02/2020 19:06

It could be more about missing the parent for the first time and finding it too much if this is the first big family get together.
Relax. Plan your weekend as you see fit, to suit you, and the others can dip in if they chose.

ElloBrian · 03/02/2020 21:01

I agree with those saying you are right to be frustrated.

I think you have to play it to suit your husband. He sounds like a low key guy who wouldn’t want you to kick up a fuss about non-attendees so I would just focus on making it feel as special for him as you can - focus on his happiness.

I would be tempted to send an ‘organisational’ email to all attending, though - saying something like:

“this is a quick note setting out all the plans for the weekend, DH is going to be so thrilled to see you all, I know this isn’t the kind of big birthday bash which you’ve had in the past but believe me it will be just as special to him. Ok so the schedule is ... ... looking forward to seeing you all so much! Any questions, just text me. Xx”

Eatdrinkbemerry · 04/02/2020 18:29

I had a big deal made out of my milestone birthday. Also make a big deal out of any birthday I have and of my DH and DC. Age does not factor into it for me at all. I also don’t form an option on people who choose to go to work or don’t make a fuss over their birthday. Each to their own.

Everyone is entitled to how they want to celebrate birthdays so those of you commenting on how ridiculous and what a big fuss, keep those opinions to yourself. The OP is not asking if she’s made a big deal out of her DH party. She’s asking if the fact that this is a common occurrence in her DH family, it’s weird that the family are not making the same effort for his birthday as was made for their own.

ddl1 · 04/02/2020 20:10

'Everyone is entitled to how they want to celebrate birthdays so those of you commenting on how ridiculous and what a big fuss, keep those opinions to yourself. '

Of course. If you are referring to my post, I did not make any comment of the 'how ridiculous' variety, and entirely agree that it's up to the OP and her dh how they celebrate his birthday. My post on that topic was not in reply to the OP, but to another poster who implied that anyone who does not celebrate milestone birthdays is 'miserable' . Probably I should not have let myself get sucked in to what was really a hijacking of the thread, but to be honest, I felt a bit personally insulted as regards my own personal choice to avoid my birthday.

ChicCroissant · 04/02/2020 20:21

I don't have a problem with celebrating big-o birthdays, but three days of planned events does seem a bit much tbh. They seem to be coming a long distance though so I can kind of see why you wanted to plan stuff in, but is that what you'd normally do?

I attended the party of a younger relative who shared a birthday with my mum after she died - I couldn't face staying over in the hotel as they'd originally wanted us all to, though. Sometimes you do need a bit of space.

I hope it works out for you all, OP.