Feeling disappointed with in-laws about DH birthday

[Meshy12]

Hi

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable here. It’s a big birthday for DH soon and his two siblings and their families are coming to visit us in London.

We have visited up north for each of their big birthdays and tended to spend a lot of time there. When they have visited us down South we tend to treat them and either let part of the group stay with us in our small house or help them with costs.

They lost a parent last year and this will be the first family event they will be celebrating since that happened - my DH being the baby of the family and the only one to not have his mum there for his big day.

So I wanted to plan something nice for them and their kids, assuming they would be here from Friday night to Sunday nighty- so Friday evening dinner, Saturday brunch/ trip in London, drinks with them and DH friends too on Sat night and lunch on Sunday before they go back.

But I was Then told by one of DH’s siblings that their friends are competing in a tournament in London on the Saturday so they want to watch them and will also take their two teenage kids (our nephews)- they asked us To book something for them and they can attend if they can. I explained the places I was looking at needed fixed numbers.

They then said they will come to the brunch on Saturday and then see their friends after - this was totally find as the contest is only a small part of the weekend.

Today they have told me that: their partner (also my in-law I suppose) is competing in this contest now (obviously it was a last minute decision). And also that their train back is at 10am Sunday from a central station in London- an hour away from us.

I haven’t said anything but I am upset. My husband is very calm but did say it doesn’t seem to be worth them coming as we won’t be able to see them.
So:

• this is my husbands big birthday and the first following a major bereavement - I wanted to make it really special for him
• I think they won’t be able to stay out late on the Friday night due to the competition, we won’t see them on the Saturday until the evening and I assume they will then have to leave early probably so they can be fresh for the train
• this in-law is usually very kind and protective over my husband but seems thoughtless about this - I am grateful she is coming down but she doesn’t seem to be prioritising her brother!

DH’s other sibling and their family will be with us the whole Time

We always go up without a seconds thought - even with a newborn! I feel like my husband is secretly upset but doesn’t want to say anything.

AIBU? Or am I expecting too much? Is there any diplomatic way To handle this?

Thanks

I think its very nice of you to plan all these activities, and dinners/brunches/drinks/lunches would be my thing! :)

can you go all to this competition, as someone above suggested? like instead of the planned London trip in Sat afternoon, go to the competition, all of you?

you will see that the weekend will pan out just perfect, dont worry, its understandable you are a bit upset, but just imagine how nice it will be with the other sibling, you can joke about the competition and gossiping :)

I was just thinking, it is possible they are cash-trapped a bit? so all the dinners/lunches/brunches would be too much to pay for?

Dont worry to much, dont overthink it, you will see it will be a fabulous and more relaxed weekend, if you just let it be

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset, but there will be plenty of time to spend with them really.
Friday night - nice chilled dinner out (wouldn't want to go too crazy on the first night anyway).
Saturday, activities in the day for those that can make it. Then dinner in the evening. A few people might go home earlier, but there'll be plenty to fun to be had with friends until late.
Sunday, everyone can piss off and you can have a lovely relaxed day with the family.
Sounds good to me!

Hi thanks for all the posts. it’s his 40th - and yes I think it’s a big milestone to celebrate - and as I said everyone in their family have had big parties to celebrate so why not my other half?

We have gone up for each of those so it only seems fair they come down for his?

I also would have paid for most of the dinners out

And our house is tiny so with our baby there is no longer space for them so I’ve contributed towards costs for a local hotel

Thanks for the posts m

Its weird that you are giving them money towards their hotel. They’re siblings not your children. Do they give you money when you visit them? I think you need to reconsider the relationship a bit. It all sounds so odd.

Maybe due to the bereavement they feel they cannot face a big family do putting on a happy face.

Why don't you go and watch the event too?

Sounds like the sibling is only attending for the sporting event. Sounds like they wouldn't have come if not for that.

I’m only helping them out this time as the hotel is a pricey london one and she has a much lower salary than me

No when we went up we would stay at their mums house so never had to consider it - and no I’d never expect money from them

I don’t think our relationships are weird at all - thanks for the advise though @BlackCatSleeping

I too think huge birthday fusses are unnecessary. I,think excessive focus and fuss drives an egocentric culture.

Why don’t you all go and watch the event? Otherwise a meal is fine.

I think...if they arnt going to celebrate the birthday they can pay for there own hotel

MN is so weird about birthdays - apparently you’re not allowed to properly celebrate past the age of 18.

DH, my sister and BIL all turned 40 this year and all three of them had big amazing, special birthdays - private dining at a very fancy restaurant, one had an amazing 7 course tasting menu dinner party cooked by their spouse, the other went to a luxury spa and hotel. They all had big and special gifts and were all spent with all of us together despite living hours apart, they’re the only family we have that we see. We have disabled twin toddlers so it’s not easy to arrange special things (especially when the only family you have are involved in the plans) but we’ve made it work.

I think it’s important to mark these dates and do something special. You’ve gone up there to celebrate with them for theirs and I think it’s quite unfair of them of them to do this.

MN will never agree but YANBU in my view

OP didn’t ask how you lot celebrate your birthdays. She asked whether - in the context of how milestone birthdays are celebrated in her family with the added layer of a recent bereavement - she was being unreasonable to expect her husband’s sister to spend the weekend with him on his birthday as is convention in their family, or if the sister is unreasonable for swanning off to spend most of the weekend with friends instead.

@Meshy12 YANBU, your SIL is and if I was your husband I’d be pretty sad, but I wouldn’t discount that this is probably going to be really hard for everyone and maybe his sister just can’t face the thought of the full weekend and is trying to make it more doable. She still should have spoken to him though.

I can see why you are upset, especially as you've paid towards their hotel, but having a teen myself it seems better for them to do their competition rather than anything else. I would say the arranging to meet with friends- effectively on your dime - is a bit crass.

However although it's the norm in your DHs family, it does seem odd for an entire weekend to be centred around one grown ups birthday - particularly as DCs get older and have commitments or simply don't want to spend the entire weekend celebrating Uncle Joes 40th.

I'd say have an amazing brunch, enjoy having a bit more space and time to spend with the other relatives and in future reconsider your policy of paying for the other families accommodation.

Its weird that you are giving them money towards their hotel. They’re siblings not your children. Do they give you money when you visit them?

Blackcat, I think London prices and up North prices are not really compareable, I may be wrong

OP, how the big celebrations of the siblings there (when you went there up) went? what was the program?

Sorry reread OP - so it's basically only Friday night they are around, so have a lovely meal then and does it really matter if they need to leave a bit early?

I,think excessive focus and fuss drives an egocentric culture.

Oh give over. These big birthdays are once a decade. DH never get a fuss made of him. Having a really special birthday once a decade is hardly going to breed an egocentric monster.

And besides they made the effort to go and celebrate the siblings birthdays.

For my 30th DH took me to New York. For his, I threw a secret surprise party somewhere very nice and invited all of his friends, new and old - it was brilliant.

We barely do anything in between - haven’t been on holiday in years, barely ever get to go out together since the twins were born.

I understand if birthdays don’t mean anything to you - good for you. Doesn’t mean others can’t celebrate if they want to.

OP, I lost my mum a few years ago and birthdays etc are always hard afterwards. I think it’s lovely you’ve tried to plan something special.

Maybe change of plans, do something special just the two of you and then get the family together another time when they’re not so busy.

it’s his 40th - and yes I think it’s a big milestone to celebrate

Is it though? Will you be saying that about his 50th as well?

It seems an awful lot of hassle for a birthday to me. I was 400 miles from home working on my 40th, I didn't give it a second thought. Just had breakfast and went to the client site, didn't even tell them.

I certainly won't be making a fuss on my 50th, will probably just go to work.

@SinkGirl thanks - yes it’s only once a decade and neither DH nor I have celebrated any other birthday with others the whole time we have been together.

I’m not 40 yet and so personally I didn’t know that some people make such a huge thing of it - but as I said, my sis in laws husband organised a huge surprise hall party for hers two years ago, she organised a huge surprise party for her husband two years ago, and my brother in law had a huge surprise party three years ago. All had catering, band etc - as below DH’s birthday will be much more casual!

All their family and family friends came to those.

My husband didn’t want a surprise party this time because of his mum - but was looking forward to spending time with his siblings and arranged some drinks with them and his friends on the Saturday night in a local pub with a few drinks and snacks - so a really casual affair.

Actually a lot of his friends will turn up on the Saturday night which is great - And i don’t mind that we won’t see my sis in law that much - I just feel sad that my husband feels like an after thought on her behalf and he really deserves so much more than that.

He is always so selfless and kind and really deserves their support and kindness back.

@PhilCornwall1 good for you - each to their own.

I also didn’t get the big deal but I’ve explained how his family celebrate big birthdays so won’t do so again

Also - what’s the difference between a birthday, an anniversary party and then if we really have to go there a wedding? People have different priorities

We don’t get to see them that often because when I say they are up north I mean Scotland - so this is also a special occasion where we can all meet in London for the first tine ever at the same time - that has never happened before

"Can everyone who is desperate to prove how adult they are deriding celebrations for milestone birthdays just fuck off not bother posting. The OP has made it clear that it's normal and expected for this family."

This.

Lots of families do celebrate milestone birthdays together and some, shock horror, even buy cards and presents every year. It is the norm to celebrate together in the OP's family so I can't see that it is being helpful to tell them how your Mum only sends you a text or whatever.

OP, I don't think you are expecting too much. Which day is your DH's birthday? If it is during the week could you change the weekend you celebrate so that it doesn't clash with the tournament weekend?

You could say you want to be able to spend plenty of time together, especially as you've realised life is too short after losing MIL.

I guess just from the perspective of my family it seems odd, when we visit each other, we don't spend all our time together. My parents live in a tourist area, so family either stays with them or in a local hotel. People do what they want during the day and meet up for dinner in the evening.

I think teenagers coming all the way to London from up North probably want to experience other things too while they are there. That seems natural to me.

I think because you are paying for them to be there, it disrupts the balance of things a bit.

Obviously, it doesn't seem odd to you the way you do things, but I was just trying to give some perspective on how your husband's sister may feel. I would be surprised if many MNers give money to their siblings to pay for hotels when they visit, but perhaps I am wrong.

His birthday is the actual Saturday - the day that his sis will be watching the tournament! That’s also what annoys me

I certainly wouldn’t help them with the cost of the hotel OP. I think that’s strange anyway, but especially so when they are using the weekend to take part in something else, instead of the agreed birthday celebration! A bit CFery in my opinion.

It seems a bit of a nerve for them to accept your help with the hotel costs, when they're more focused on the competition than the birthday.
That would annoy me.