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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling disappointed with in-laws about DH birthday

126 replies

Meshy12 · 02/02/2020 02:14

Hi

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable here. It’s a big birthday for DH soon and his two siblings and their families are coming to visit us in London.

We have visited up north for each of their big birthdays and tended to spend a lot of time there. When they have visited us down South we tend to treat them and either let part of the group stay with us in our small house or help them with costs.

They lost a parent last year and this will be the first family event they will be celebrating since that happened - my DH being the baby of the family and the only one to not have his mum there for his big day.

So I wanted to plan something nice for them and their kids, assuming they would be here from Friday night to Sunday nighty- so Friday evening dinner, Saturday brunch/ trip in London, drinks with them and DH friends too on Sat night and lunch on Sunday before they go back.

But I was Then told by one of DH’s siblings that their friends are competing in a tournament in London on the Saturday so they want to watch them and will also take their two teenage kids (our nephews)- they asked us To book something for them and they can attend if they can. I explained the places I was looking at needed fixed numbers.

They then said they will come to the brunch on Saturday and then see their friends after - this was totally find as the contest is only a small part of the weekend.

Today they have told me that: their partner (also my in-law I suppose) is competing in this contest now (obviously it was a last minute decision). And also that their train back is at 10am Sunday from a central station in London- an hour away from us.

I haven’t said anything but I am upset. My husband is very calm but did say it doesn’t seem to be worth them coming as we won’t be able to see them.
So:

  • this is my husbands big birthday and the first following a major bereavement - I wanted to make it really special for him
  • I think they won’t be able to stay out late on the Friday night due to the competition, we won’t see them on the Saturday until the evening and I assume they will then have to leave early probably so they can be fresh for the train
  • this in-law is usually very kind and protective over my husband but seems thoughtless about this - I am grateful she is coming down but she doesn’t seem to be prioritising her brother!

DH’s other sibling and their family will be with us the whole Time

We always go up without a seconds thought - even with a newborn! I feel like my husband is secretly upset but doesn’t want to say anything.

AIBU? Or am I expecting too much? Is there any diplomatic way To handle this?

Thanks

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 02/02/2020 10:10

I voted YABU but with your updates, I've changed my mind. I think they are being cheeky accepting money towards their hotel but spending most of Saturday, your DH's birthday, doing their own thing. The event they're going to wouldn't interest me either, organise something amazing for your DH and the rest of the family.

Sceptre86 · 02/02/2020 10:13

Yanbu to feel disappointed, I would too. My dh lost his dad at the tail end of last year. His brother had a birthday shortly after and dh made the effort to go see him and take the kids to see their only uncle on that side. On dh's birthday in January his brother didn't even ring or txt him. I kept quiet as they are brothers and it is not my place to say anything but could ser that he was upset as he felt the loss of his dad more so on that day and his brother couldn't be bothered to wish him a happy birthday.

m0therofdragons · 02/02/2020 10:15

Op I'd be disappointed too. I cannot get my head round why mn is so anti celebrating birthdays. My real life experience is that for 30/40/50th there's some kind of celebration or weekend trip away. Dh is 40 this year and we're doing loads of things throughout the year but not going big on his birthday itself. Just a meal with friends. BBQ in the summer for family, and a concert plus holiday to the states. If we didn't have a big summer holiday planned then I'd have booked a weekend away.

I'd be disappointed but just make it special by you being there. Change the focus. Every family is different so a text from my mum alone on my birthday would be really upsetting to me and not what I'd recognise as normal at all.

DingDongDenny · 02/02/2020 10:27

There are a lot of miserable people on here, who don't even celebrate milestone birthdays. I know nobody in real life who didn't get a lovely fuss made of them when they reached 40. It shows you care.

I would be really pissed off in these circumstances. They were invited to celebrate your DHs big birthday and they are ditching you for something that only interest them

I am going to guess the competition is Cross-Fit. Its like a cult

Mascarponeandwine · 02/02/2020 10:29

I would feel resentful contributing towards a hotel, when they're faffing so Insensitively about how they can fit you in around their other priorities.

Have you transferred the money yet? Do they really need an expensive London hotel (I know accom in London isn’t cheap but a Travelodge on the outskirts isn’t too bad, and it hardly needs to be near you/in a certain expensive location if they’re only dipping in and out of your plans).

ddl1 · 02/02/2020 10:39

I think that YANBU to be annoyed about their unreliability about their plans, and keeping you hanging on, when you need to know the numbers. But I think YABU to expect that they should prioritize a birthday party beyond anything else in their lives. Maybe they are less 'up to' travelling and parties following the bereavement. Maybe you could invite them to visit on a later date, when they wouldn't have the competition, and you would be able to interact with them in a relaxed way without lots of other people and things to attend to.

fairlyplump · 02/02/2020 10:51

A birthday ending in a 0 is the same as any other, just another year older.

ddl1 · 02/02/2020 10:52

'There are a lot of miserable people on here, who don't even celebrate milestone birthdays. I know nobody in real life who didn't get a lovely fuss made of them when they reached 40. It shows you care.'

Well, everyone's different; but I can't BEAR milestone birthdays (my own), as I don't like my transition from one age to another being marked as a big social occasion- didn't like that even when I was a child, though I admit that I did like presents. I try to keep the date of my birthday secret, and family members know that I hate to have it mentioned. If anyone had made a fuss of my 40th birthday, I suspect that I might now be in prison for murder! And IMO people show they care by how they treat me year-round, not on a special occasion. But everyone's different, as I said. I think the OP has a right to be cross over being let down at the last minute, but not over people failing to prioritize a birthday over anything else.

ddl1 · 02/02/2020 10:57

'I kept quiet as they are brothers and it is not my place to say anything but could ser that he was upset as he felt the loss of his dad more so on that day and his brother couldn't be bothered to wish him a happy birthday.'

I am very sorry for your dh's loss. But it might not be that his brother 'couldn't be bothered', but that he too had lost his father, and couldn't cope with celebrations, and/or that he actually considered it insensitive to wish a recently-bereaved person a happy birthday. Some bereaved people find 'Happy Birthday'/ 'Merry Christmas'; etc. upsetting, and as though they are being required to be 'happy' in the face of a loss.

Highlights12 · 02/02/2020 11:03

I'd be disappointed too. Could you not mention to dh other sibling how disappointed you are & say so is your husband although he is trying to hide it. Maybe they could say something to other sibling.

bigchris · 02/02/2020 11:13

I guess you could phone your sister in law and say your dh is disappointed but this leave it but not traipse up to Scotland for her next occasion

PegasusReturns · 02/02/2020 11:13

I’d be disappointed they weren’t making an effort and I’d be furious they were willing to accept my subsidy whilst not actually participating in the main event. That is rude.

If you have a good relationship I’d raise it, otherwise you need to get on with having a great time with those that’s re making the effort.

bigchris · 02/02/2020 11:14

Sounds like his sister is prioritising her dh over her brother tbh

bigchris · 02/02/2020 11:15

Isn't the main event the pub thing Saturday evening that they are going to ?

CameFromAway · 02/02/2020 11:29

bigchris don't we all prioritise our DH/DC over our brothers? And expect them to prioritise their families over us?

They are there for the family meal on Friday and for the casual drinks with friends on Saturday night. Doing something different in the day is preobably a good plan - teens, 7-10yo and babies have very different requirements and interests. Finding something everyone likes for the entire weekend is a big ask.

If one family want to go to a sports event that interests them, let them go and have fun with the other sibling's family. You'll see each other for the important stuff - the meal together.

ShoppingBasket · 02/02/2020 11:42

Seems your in laws had parties which meant one night over a whole weekend. I think what you are suggesting is too much. If I was invited to something like that I would definitely need some downtime. When I go to my in laws for a whole weekend I find it suffocating. It is very nice of you to pay for their hotel but in future I wouldn't. I think going out for a meal and drinks on the saturday night is sufficient maybe a takeaway on the Friday.

Specksofwhiteallaround · 02/02/2020 11:54

I’d be really annoyed by this. It’s all well and good saying they’re right to prioritise their own family but presumably they wouldn’t have the had the opportunity to go to this event if they weren’t supposed to be in London for the brother’s birthday.

If they didn’t like the sound of what was planned for that weekend or if they thought it was too much fuss like the previous posters do they could have declined the invite, not just opportunistically tacked on a visit to friends and an event. Especially since they’re presence in London is being partly funded by the organiser of the weekend.

I think they’re trying to have their cake and eat it too but haven’t thought how it comes off as to others. They should offer to pay back what’s been paid towards their hotel as they’ve made the weekend as much a trip to see friends and participate in a competition as it is to celebrate his birthday and see friends. Not on to let someone else pay for it.

crustycrab · 02/02/2020 11:54

I think it's weird to give a sibling in their 40s/50s money towards a hotel Confused

My BIL lives in London and he's so patronising yah London prices dahhling. Thinks everything is pricier and swankier and that as northerners we somehow might not cope. We don't spend the entire weekend with him when we visit as it would be insufferable.

Covent Garden travelodge was just fine thanks at £45 a night.

crustycrab · 02/02/2020 11:57

Half marathon or something I reckon

Original poster
Meshy12 · 02/02/2020 11:59

@crustycrab fair point - I try not to be patronising and thought it was a nice thing because when they have come down before they stayed in our teeny tiny house - but can’t this time

But I think this is the last time I’ll offer to do that

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 02/02/2020 12:05

Focus on the family and friends that are coming. Inform the others of your plans and let them know they are free to join if they can. You are obviously protection of your DH but I suspect you are projecting a bit. Certainly kinder to him if you keep things jolly and positive rather than feeling affronted about 1 branch of the family.

crustycrab · 02/02/2020 12:06

Should've said he's offered us money before. Automatically assumes we earn less than him. We don't.

Original poster
Meshy12 · 02/02/2020 12:11

@crustycrab ok I know she earns a lot less than me. I work in a senior position in the city and she is a nurse.

she should earn more than me... but that’s another thread altogether

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 02/02/2020 12:25

I would pull the plug on it all and say as you wanted to make it an occasion and they aren’t going to really be there you are going away and rented your place out to one of your friends relatives who is coming down for the weekend.

So they can’t stay at yours

Definitely some CF** going on

rookiemere · 02/02/2020 12:41

I wouldn't do anything dramatic like calling them out or cancelling the accommodation as that could cause a huge family rift. It's your DHs choice on how to handle, and personally I'd accept their choices with good grace, but I would be loath to pay for their stay again - as other posters have said, cheap hotels exist- and I'd have a quiet word with SIL when she was there.

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