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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Party for a Vow Renewal - AIBU?

160 replies

NikkiR18 · 01/02/2020 20:45

This is bit of a long one so bear with me...

A close friend of mine decided last year that her and her husband wanted to renew their wedding vows this May after 3 years (she didnt like how the first wedding went and wants to do it all again, basically....). Me and another friend of hers are bridesmaids. They've booked a venue which has already changed twice due to her falling out with certain friends/owners, she's bought a wedding dress and bridesmaid dresses for us, there's a table plan, decorations, centerpieces, the works. She has also decided that she didnt like her hen do first time round and wants to do it all again.

She wants a spa weekend away (2 nights) at around £100 each. A lot of the ladies were unable to get time off work or arrange childcare, but said they could attend a day/evening. This wasnt good enough for the bride and she is now complaining that if everything had been arranged sooner then none of this would be a problem. Us two bridesmaids agreed that we understood that the bride wanted to arrange the hen do and apologised for the miscommunication. We have tried to organise an alternative to which she threw what I can only describe as a tantrum, claiming that 'she can't be bothered now and doesnt want anything. She doesnt want to do anything else and now doesnt want a hen do at all. She wanted it to be about her and what she wants, now she isn't getting what she wants'. She has blamed everyone else for not sorting this sooner.

Now, AIBU to think that full-on weekend away hen do for a vow renewal is OTT and slightly self-absorbed, or am I a terrible friend for not taking the reigns and sorting something out sooner?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 02/02/2020 08:03

I want to hear more about a two night spa for £100 each bargain!

Helpwithdilemma101 · 02/02/2020 08:41

Now, AIBU to think that full-on weekend away hen do for a vow renewal is OTT and slightly self-absorbed

Understatement of the century! Also this is going to end up in the daily fail.

DivGirl · 02/02/2020 08:58

This has divorce written all over it. After the wedding they had nothing to plan, nothing to talk about, so she's planning another wedding.

Maybe she'll have a divorce hen do too though, that might be fun? I'd tell her you've suddenly been scheduled for toenail removal or something and can't make it.

StCharlotte · 02/02/2020 09:36

Is she expecting gifts? Hmm

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/02/2020 09:43

Ducks sake this will be a disaster and they will soon divorce-it wasn’t and isn’t about the day-it’s about the marriage!

bellinisurge · 02/02/2020 09:44

I'm sure you have a prior engagement.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 02/02/2020 09:51

I agree that it is OTT and very slightly self-absorbed. YANBU.

"she can't be bothered now and doesnt want anything. She doesnt want to do anything else and now doesnt want a hen do at all."
Problem solved.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 02/02/2020 09:52

If it was not good enough the first time, and the repeat performance sounds like its not matching her expectations either then i suggest you step away before you gett caught in the crossfire divorce. Is everything in life a dossapointment to her?
What does her husband think of all this?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/02/2020 10:34

I wonder if she’ll want as big a divorce party when her husband tells her to do one for being such a NARC....

I have a feeling that this will be her shortly after that:
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-41413297

I personally don't see the point of vow renewals, as you already made vows to last until you die; but I can see why people might want something low-key to affirm their love and commitment after 30 years of sharing good and not-so-good times together or if one of them sadly has a very short time to live. In the latter case, it's a happy event that the terminally ill person can enjoy and be there for, contrasting sharply with the impending funeral - a declaration that they've tried to make the most of the years they've been given and that they wouldn't have wanted to spend them with anybody else.

After just three years, with both of them in good health, they can call it a vow renewal, bond strengthening, affirmation of our love or whatever - but everybody will just understand that (whether correctly or not) to mean that one of them has had an affair and they're desperately trying to cling on to the wreckage. All that will be going through most people's heads is "Was it him, or her - or both of them?!"

Obligatorync · 02/02/2020 10:48

The whole thing is insane. I couldn't be friends with this person and I can't believe anyone has accepted the invitation.

Bluetrews25 · 02/02/2020 11:01

Take her to the nearest primary school and let her play weddings in the dressing up corner.

FrangipaniBlue · 02/02/2020 11:09

So she basically wants to do her entire wedding, including hen party all over again after just 3 years?

Your friend has major issues.

I kind of feel a wee bit sorry for her, something must have triggered this (because nobody is THAT batshit!) and I'm going to guess an already extremely low self esteem plus possibly emotionally abusive and cheating DH......

Sweetbabycheezits · 02/02/2020 11:38

This is the problem with weddings: if that's the biggest focus for marriage, it is bound to be a total disappointment! When I married DH, it was definitely not the kind of wedding I wanted, it was hugely about our families. I was totally OK with that, because at the end of that day, I was married to my lovely DH, which is all I really cared about.

I actually feel a bit sorry for her, maybe a quiet sit down and a chat about why she feels so strongly about a do-over would be helpful?

MulticolourMophead · 02/02/2020 11:51

ConfusedOpinionsHere I wouldn't worry about people getting the wrong idea about your vow renewal, you're actually celebrating your 25th anniversary, it's all part of the anniversary, and sounds lovely.

It's light years away from the OP's friend, who is clearly trying to do over her wedding for whatever reason. Like others, I think he's been shagging around.

After all, the only people I know who had a vow renewal all did this at around the 10 year mark, and in each couple (4 couples, a small sample, I know) one of them had been cheating.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/02/2020 14:19

After 3 yes she wants a replay in everything via a new wedding

Insane or rich

SidneyPrescott · 02/02/2020 14:26

If she's not usually like this, then maybe you should check to make sure she's okay.

If this is pretty standard behaviour then you should look for new friends.

holidayhelpp · 02/02/2020 14:31

Mm

Drum2018 · 02/02/2020 14:33

Take her to the nearest primary school and let her play weddings in the dressing up corner.

Grin
CoraPirbright · 02/02/2020 14:35

As an aside to the whole staggering egotism thing...

£100 pp for a spa weekend Shock. What a waste of £100 as that is going to be some shitty spa. The ones around me charge £200+ for just a day........

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2020 14:41

Resign with immediate effect.

MsTSwift · 02/02/2020 14:49

Well exactly Cora. I had a spa day as a treat £180 got me use of the spa two treatments and lunch that was week day only and I thought a good deal but £100 for 2 nights?! Maybe it’s a travel lodge type spa ?!

timetest · 02/02/2020 14:52

Bonkers. Do not indulge.

puds11 · 02/02/2020 14:55

I don’t get vow renewals or hen parties so the two together is just bonkers to me Grin

I couldn’t be friends with someone who made issues out of things like this.

Mistystar99 · 02/02/2020 17:47

What an old trout!

ChrissieKeller61 · 02/02/2020 17:51

How are people like this married and I’m single. I genuinely don’t get it

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