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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Party for a Vow Renewal - AIBU?

160 replies

NikkiR18 · 01/02/2020 20:45

This is bit of a long one so bear with me...

A close friend of mine decided last year that her and her husband wanted to renew their wedding vows this May after 3 years (she didnt like how the first wedding went and wants to do it all again, basically....). Me and another friend of hers are bridesmaids. They've booked a venue which has already changed twice due to her falling out with certain friends/owners, she's bought a wedding dress and bridesmaid dresses for us, there's a table plan, decorations, centerpieces, the works. She has also decided that she didnt like her hen do first time round and wants to do it all again.

She wants a spa weekend away (2 nights) at around £100 each. A lot of the ladies were unable to get time off work or arrange childcare, but said they could attend a day/evening. This wasnt good enough for the bride and she is now complaining that if everything had been arranged sooner then none of this would be a problem. Us two bridesmaids agreed that we understood that the bride wanted to arrange the hen do and apologised for the miscommunication. We have tried to organise an alternative to which she threw what I can only describe as a tantrum, claiming that 'she can't be bothered now and doesnt want anything. She doesnt want to do anything else and now doesnt want a hen do at all. She wanted it to be about her and what she wants, now she isn't getting what she wants'. She has blamed everyone else for not sorting this sooner.

Now, AIBU to think that full-on weekend away hen do for a vow renewal is OTT and slightly self-absorbed, or am I a terrible friend for not taking the reigns and sorting something out sooner?

OP posts:
feebeecat · 01/02/2020 21:32

Slightly off topic - 99% think yanbu and 2% think yabu Hmm

She’s batshit crazy btw

JKScot4 · 01/02/2020 21:32

Step away from the cray cray!!
You don’t do this for a vow renewal; no bridesmaids, no hen do

diddl · 01/02/2020 21:36

I can't think why you agreed to be a bmaid tbh.

She's not a bride!

1Morewineplease · 01/02/2020 21:37

How ridiculous.
If it were me, in your position, I’d find an excuse to back away, to be honest.
She’s clearly narcissistic and sounds very needy. Re-doing your wedding after 3 years is silly.
She can’t even , surely, expect another pile of wedding gifts?
She’s bonkers, self indulgent, vain and grabby.
I wouldn’t want any part of it.
I hope that most of her guests are eye-rolling.

Frankola · 01/02/2020 21:38

What a dickhead...

bridgetreilly · 01/02/2020 21:38

Take her at her word. A hen do for a vow renewal is ridiculous. A vow renewal after 3 years is ridiculous. A hen do for a vow renewal after 3 years is utterly ridiculous. Of course no one wants to spend hundreds on it.

Shaminon · 01/02/2020 21:38

Christ alive!!!!

Juniper45 · 01/02/2020 21:39

No “wedding” will ever be good enough for your friend. Sounds like she falls out with a lot of people? Can’t think why!

UserUser321 · 01/02/2020 21:41

I wonder if she’ll want as big a divorce party when her husband tells her to do one for being such a NARC....

devilsadv0caat · 01/02/2020 21:48

I'd tell her to where to shove that bridesmaid dress tbh.

Exactly how bad was her first wedding that this is all she is thinking about? It's pathetic.

WhyNotMe40 · 01/02/2020 21:48

I can sort of understand the wanting to redo it. Just before my wedding my husband was made redundant and we had to massively scale back to a small registry office do and a gazebo in the back garden, with a CD player as entertainment Grin
Im not sure I even had a hen do as it all seemed too expensive to even buy one drink.
But redoing it seems a bit crazy. You can't rewind.

GCAcademic · 01/02/2020 21:49

This person would not be a friend of mine.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/02/2020 21:50

Bridesmaids? She’s not a bride!

Is she like this in other areas of her life? If so I would, run a mile, but then I would not be in a position to be asked to be a bridesmaid for someone like that anyway!

It sounds like she has very unrealistic ideas about what a wedding should be and she’s setting herself up for disappointment over this “vow renewal” too.

Presumably since you’re a bridesmaid you’re a good friend of hers. Do you know what she found so disappointing about her first wedding? Can you sit down with her and have a calm and friendly talk about how unrealistic she’s being and find out what’s behind this chasing after a fantasy?

Chloemol · 01/02/2020 21:58

Sounds like this ‘wedding’ is going the same way as the first, will she want another one ina couple of years?

Gogolego · 01/02/2020 22:02

Oh this is has to win the mn award for the most bonkers wedding / not a wedding thread

Bride / wife is bonkers and self absorbed

Commonwasher · 01/02/2020 22:08

She’s a bit cuckooo.

Is she not very happy in her marriage? Most people, once hitched, realise that the big fuss they made for their wedding day really doesn’t matter save for it being a great party with nearest & dearest.

Morgan12 · 01/02/2020 22:12

No way can this be true. Surely nobody is actually this mental.

I'd have laughed in her face. This is honestly the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

SnorkMaiden81 · 01/02/2020 22:12

I'm not sure what's going on with your friend OP but I'm thoroughly invested in it!

Please come back and fill us in

Lunde · 01/02/2020 22:16

Sounds like Pete and Dawn's vow renewal on Gavin and Stacey!

Ellie56 · 01/02/2020 22:18

She sounds like hard work. I think I'd start looking for some better friends.

And the only reason I can see for renewing vows is if you've broken them. Hmm

jelly79 · 01/02/2020 22:20

Absolutely no to all of this.

Although I find the original post quite loaded and then you ask who is BU. Clearly based on your post she is. I'd of never agreed to be a 'BM' to that

mindutopia · 01/02/2020 22:23

God, if their marriage is this high maintenance 3 years in, they definitely aren’t going to be together all that long. Count your losses and don’t sink any more money in this money pit.

SunshineCake · 01/02/2020 22:23

Tie her up with the reins you should never have taken up so don't worry about that.

A renewal after three years is embarrassing enough but all the rest is ridiculous.

needanewnamechange · 01/02/2020 22:25

Sorry but in my experience anyone having a renewal splits up not long after .
By all means do it if you want but the hen doo nah unless it's a night in the local pub I'm out .

StealthPolarBear · 01/02/2020 22:29

Surely traditionally your hen do is your last night of freedom? OK it's a bit weird now as most of us have as much freedom when married as we did when single. But presumably a night out with female friends once married is called a night out with female friends? A hen do is before the wedding by definition.