To think it's actually hard for some people not to have an affair?

[swimmingpoolshower]

I promise this is not relating to a personal experience, just from conversations with friends who have either cheated or whose partners have had affairs.
We're always telling people that they should leave their significant others before having any sort of connection with another person, including what is now termed 'emotional affairs.' Most people I know who have cheated weren't looking to cheat and only doubted their relationship when they met the other person. Therefore the timeline must be:
1.) meet someone
2.) feel a connection
3.) quickly leave dw/dh
4.) ask other person if they're interested
5.) get rejected and have nothing/ have affair

I don't see how people are expected to not commence some sort of 'pre-affair' before leaving their husband/wife. My friend whose dh left her recently said that she was horrified he hadn't tried to make it work with her after he realised that he had feelings for OW. By then surely it's too late?
I don't think people who cheat are terrible people as no one can predict who you're going to meet and how you would feel if you found a strong connection with someone else whilst you're in a serious relationship.

Honestly, I have no idea how people find the time.

What

I'm attracted to/have felt the gallops for plenty of people over the years but being a human with some idea of cause and effect and not a marmoset I've never fucked anyone

Affairs don't go anywhere the majority of the time, they're just fucking that falls apart after the secrecy has put the kybosh on it

Your OP suggests people only want to fuck and not have long term relationships- that's more often than not, not true

Timeline should be

1. meet potential OW/OM
2. feel connection
3. wonder what’s going on in your current relationship to consider leaving DH/DW
4. decide if you want to fix that 5a) work in relationship and don’t cheat 5b) end relationship and don’t cheat

You current partner shouldn’t be a stop gap until you find something better.

I think it happens more than we realise, OP. People have a tendency for self-preservation and, as much as we would prefer to think otherwise, most people will do what is best for them.

Over-lapping doesn't have to manifest as physical, once somebody emotionally checks out of a relationship then it's over, whether they're physically there or not.

Been married 32 years, neither of us has had an affair or been tempted, its easy

@Rhayader I have noticed that the workplaces which are hotbeds of affairs and misdemeanours are the most boring industries. Call centres, finance, insurance, tax offices. I work in the NHS, no one even has time for a biscuit!

So YABU. If you have an ounce of respect for your current partner, don’t cheat

I’m maybe odd but I don’t think it’s too late if you have feelings for someone else. Getting married doesn’t automatically turn off that bit of you. For me, marriages are about time and commitment and building a world together and being there for one another. Having feelings for someone else doesn’t automatically devalue that, and would actually be hard to compete with that (which is why so many men regret it after running off with a younger woman). The issue is what you do with those feelings.

PS While I do think having feelings for someone else can sometimes indicate something in the marriage needs work, I think sometimes they just happen because we’re built to fancy people!

@swimmingpoolshower

Ha ha! I too work in the NHS and am at the number of workplace affairs. I think it’s the long hours/shift patterns.

@swimmingpoolshower

I work in the public sector too and there is just no time for it 😂

@ShallICompareTheeToASummersDay yeah I don't work shifts, maybe that's why I haven't noticed it

Yabvu there is never an excuse or reason for an affair only selfish twats cheat and only people with no morals try to excuse it

@user1470132907 yeah I think I'm with you. Work gets the best of me. I dress up, wear make up, I don't have dc's with me. My dp gets me, post workout, make up off, work out clothes on, shouting, asking him if he wants pork chops or jacket potatoes. Then I fall asleep on the sofa at 9pm, snoring.

Happy in your relationship - think the new guy at work is funny and a bit of a looker but do nothing and don't dwell on it. Unhappy in your relationship either work to fix it or leave then you can start to think finding someone new. There isn't a law against being single so you don't have to line the next one up before you jump ship.

Having a connection to someone else doesn’t mean you need to cheat or there’s anything wrong with your relationship. I’ve found lots of people attractive over the course of my marriage - I’d probably quite enjoying sleeping with some of them - but marriage is about more than that isn’t it?! It’s shared experiences, security, shared children, etc etc - not something I’d throw away for a fluttery feeling which you can’t possibly know would work.

There are lots of lovely people out there you could have a relationship with. I feel like if someone's actually got a solid marriage, that easily and massively overpowers any possibility of attraction elsewhere. All that built up familiarity and love. Any potential new partnership is a massive gamble, even if they say yes it may turn out they leave smelly socks on the sofa and are utterly un-liveable-with. It's stupid to leave a happy marriage just because someone has a pretty face or is sympathetic to chat to in the pub. I think more likely people's marriages are not happy but they're "making do" until seeing a possible affair partner kicks them into action. I don't think making do is a right or kind thing to do. But yes, if you find yourself in that situation I do think leave first, then look around and see if there's anyone nicer on the horizon than potential affair partner, who probably isn't all that nice if they were prepared to even consider a married person.

FIL is a serial affair haver. Basically no self control. If someone flirts with him off he goes. And acts all bumbling and helpless about it and tells poor DH way TMI.

I genuinely laughed out loud at the notion of NHS staff not having affairs. Affairs are RAMPANT. DH is a police officer and it's the same. All sorts of shagging and duplicity. Marriages break down all the time in the public sectors.

You're rather naive or rather goady.

If you don't respect your wife/husband,partner enough to end the relationship if you just want a fuck buddy/ falling in love with someone else so much you start an affair you have no relationship anyway.
Different having a bit of a crush with someone else and doing nothing about it, totally fucking different.

Swimmingpool the nhs is a hotbed of affairs. And lots of power dynamics and abuse by bosses to junior staff. What bubble are you working in?

It isn't just shift workers either

@ShowOfHands I can only speak from my experience of one particular NHS hospital.

I think you are totally ignoring the possibility of being single between relationships. Your timeline is for someone who desperately cannot be single and implies the risk of 'having nothing' (I.e. being single) is so awful that people must ensure they line up the next one properly before ending their relationships.

your OP is built on a foundation of assuming that being in a relationship at all is a higher priority than honesty and trust. Also that it is ok to think of one's (presumably soon-to-be-ex) partner as a lifestyle accessory who exists to fill a "partner" hole in your life and isn't a full human being worthy of dignity and respect.

if a relationship isn't thriving you can either work on it or abandon it. one way to abandon it is to sit down like grownups and say "this isn't working - we need to part ways". another way to abandon it is to have an affair. the first option is the ethical one.

fear of maybe being single for a bit is a really crap reason to stay in a relationship that you are otherwise completely checked out of. if you aren't otherwise completely checked out, then having an affair will make it much more difficult to navigate the options.

These things are always a decision.

‘It just happened’ — because both parties let it. Maybe they wanted to, that’s their decision. I’m not judging, but opting not to make faithfulness to your spouse your priority is a decision, subconscious sometimes, but a decision nevertheless.

And the stuff about it being inevitable that people will have affairs because they test the water before leaving their husband/wife, is complete shite. If you have irreconcilable differences in marriage — go your separate ways THEN look for a new partner. Don’t get married then snuffle around on the sly for ‘better’ options.

Or alternatively:

1. Meet someone
2. Feel a connection
3. Realise that your marriage is more important than a fleeting crush
4. Do whatever it takes to avoid the other person until the feelings go away, even if that means changing shifts, finding another gym etc.

It's not that hard not to cheat.