To think it's actually hard for some people not to have an affair?

[swimmingpoolshower]

I promise this is not relating to a personal experience, just from conversations with friends who have either cheated or whose partners have had affairs.
We're always telling people that they should leave their significant others before having any sort of connection with another person, including what is now termed 'emotional affairs.' Most people I know who have cheated weren't looking to cheat and only doubted their relationship when they met the other person. Therefore the timeline must be:
1.) meet someone
2.) feel a connection
3.) quickly leave dw/dh
4.) ask other person if they're interested
5.) get rejected and have nothing/ have affair

I don't see how people are expected to not commence some sort of 'pre-affair' before leaving their husband/wife. My friend whose dh left her recently said that she was horrified he hadn't tried to make it work with her after he realised that he had feelings for OW. By then surely it's too late?
I don't think people who cheat are terrible people as no one can predict who you're going to meet and how you would feel if you found a strong connection with someone else whilst you're in a serious relationship.

the nhs is a hotbed of affairs. And lots of power dynamics and abuse by bosses to junior staff.

Do you work at Holby City?

Totally agree @AnyOldSpartabix, over indulging “in thinking is the way forward to pave the way for an affair.

I think it is natural any person can get attracted to another one while married, be it due to hormones or shared values/interests. But developing a full set up in your mind of how life would be with that person if you left your partner, is the stupid’s way to go. (You may end up falling out of love with your OH while the object of your attentions is blissfully unaware its totally uninterested)

@Farmgrl1111 I think people want to believe that people who cheat are horrible self centred people so that it couldn't possibly be their dh, dw, dp or that they could do that.
There are so many different types of people in the world, why do we assume that people who cheat are all one type?

Esther Perel has written a lot about affairs, you may not agree with her but she's worth googling if youre interested in infidelity

Emotional affairs are a bit more than daydreaming though aren't they? I thought inappropriate emails and sexting were usually part of an EA.

I do think the behaviour you're describing in your OP is more common amongst men.

how you would feel if you found a strong connection with someone else whilst you're in a serious relationship.

If the connection was so strong that it made me tempted to have an affair then I would feel like perhaps my serious relationship wasn't working anymore, and I would address that issue before just jumping into bed with someone else. Because I'm not a selfish twat.

The trouble with the view that cheating doesn't happen in happy relationships,bus that is doesn't take account of the fact that everyday life isn't constantly thrilling. Real life involves doing the laundry and the school run and renewing the house insurance. In a partnership you share your stresses with each other, so it is impossible for the relationship to be constantly fun and exciting. You see your partner at their worst as well as their best.
But with the affair partner all you ever see is them at their best - all dressed up or giving you their undivided attention. There's no real life problems to take the shine off.
I think it's really shitty to betray the life partner who has your back through all of those real life issues, just so that you can pretend those issues don't exist.
It smacks of a massive sense of entitlement and selfishness. Especially when you have children, whose lives will be devastated by a family break up.

I really don’t think cheaters are all horrible people, nothing is black and white, some are, some aren’t.

The only ones I think are all horrible people are those that are consciously cheating pretending to be genuinely interested in another person just to get sex. That is cheating on two (or more) people just for personal gratification, being totally dismissive of the damage they can inflict on the people they are having sex with.

I don't think all cheaters are horrible people either - people are rarely all good or all bad and sometimes otherwise nice people make a shitty decision.
I do think cheaters are prone to selfishness and entitlement though.

Far more people cheat than they are willing to own up to and some people yes do so more than others I think more and more people are realising actually long term monogamy isn’t for them

And I do believe men stray far more than women I think few men don’t

Yes that will be an unpopular opinion on here as it’s mainly women posting

Affairs happen always have always will not because people are nasty and mean but we like pleasure in life and someone can be very happy in their relationship and they meet someone flirting starts it makes them feel good, step further a drink they know they shouldn’t but the excitement feels addictive and they take it a step further

Of course if not a nice thing to do humans are not always nice

And agree about the NHS lots of affairs going on, senior/junior staff shift patterns lots of stress bringing staff closer together

I think it is quite common for people to be in a bad relationship that's basically over, but let it drag on because of inertia and not being able to face the fallout or find the energy to go through it all, especially if you have DC. Then if someone else catches their eye, the excitement gives them more energy and they find the motivation to leave, but they should have left before. (And that's often why the affair doesn't last - it wasn't the right person really, just filled the gap)

Also IMO men are much more likely to do this or to "line up" an OW to move onto so there's no gap spent being single. Women are more likely to leave because they actively want to be rid of their H.

4) Do whatever it takes to avoid the other person until the feelings go away, even if that means changing shifts, finding another gym etc.

What if those feelings never go away? I know two people who have been in love with each other for 15 years. They were once very happy together, then a situation forced them to live on either sides of the world, due to family pressure they married different people and now they are both back in the same city. They have never stopped loving each other and now actively avoid each other in an attempt to forget their feelings. There has been no physical contact (touching, kissing, sex). Both are utterly miserable in their marriages but are 'trying to make it work'. There is a group of us that know both of them well and it's so sad that they could have a very happy life together but stay in bad marriages for 'the children's sake' or due to family pressures. It's all very sad.

"Honestly, I have no idea how people find the time."

Maybe it's not finding the time that's the problem

And I do believe men stray far more than women

I have always believe this is down to nature, monogamy is a cultural construct, we are the only primates who expect the alpha male to be monogamous. The more alpha the man, the more likely he is cheating.

Everyone is capable of an affair. One local acquaintances of mine often comes on MN boasting about her 'faithful' husband without a scooby he is cheating with his young PA on business trips.

The more alpha the man, the more likely he is cheating.

I don't want that to be true, I don't want biology/"nature" to be ruling us in that way - but it does match up with my experience. Not only the more alpha, the more likely to cheat, but IME, the more likely to think he deserves extra sex/dalliances and the restrictions put on him by marriage are sooooo unfair. I've known several men like this including friends' husbands.

@HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely Exactly.
People are fucking horrible.

I don't buy that men cheat more often than women, still less that it's down to 'nature'. In the first instance, who are these men cheating with? Many/most of them will be married women, as there aren't a whole lot of single women lining up for affairs with your average married Joe. Men may have more opportunity to cheat, and are less likely to be as discreet about it as women, but that doesn't mean that plenty of women don't cheat too.

And I also agree with Starlink above, that everyone, male and female, is capable of cheating.

The more alpha male I hadn’t thought of it in that way

But the alpha male is often the more attractive, men and women want to be around him feel safe around him he is more powerful

So more opportunities (which I think is what it often comes down to)

IME "alpha" (higher paid, higher status men) overwhelmingly cheat with younger women, usually through work where they are senior to the younger woman, if not necessarily her boss.

The younger woman is more likely to be single. Come on how many of us have had a friend who's seeing a married man and thinks he'll leave his wife? It's very common. (or done it ourselves when younger - not me but I definitely could have done!). Hence the phenomenon of men getting older and having more kids with a new younger partner, sometimes repeating that pattern more than once.

Not that married women don't cheat, they definitely do but there is an alpha male cheating pattern that isn't echoed the other way round. Women who are senior/high status/highly paid at work are far less likely to have an affair with a younger/lower-status colleague.

The alpha man is also the most confident and the one that goes and get what he wants. So it is not that he is cheating just because women find him attractive. He had the confidence and trust in himself to believe he can get away with it (and do)

Now, there are also alpha females and the behaviour, I would expect to be the same, but I suppose they are not as common.

IME "alpha" (higher paid, higher status men) overwhelmingly cheat with younger women, usually through work where they are senior to the younger woman, if not necessarily her boss.

How many 'alpha' male are there though? By definition they are a minority. Your average middle aged 'beta' man who's married with kids back home in some suburban house, isn't going to have a ton of young single women queuing up for him.

Women who are senior/high status/highly paid at work are far less likely to have an affair with a younger/lower-status colleague.

True, but they are far more likely to have an affair than a woman who cannot be described as “alpha”.

When I was younger working in the city I was constantly propositioned by older married men they felt confident and entitled

More so than my single male colleagues who didn’t have the same confidence

I know married women do have affairs but I think more are involved with home life and when they do it’s more of an emotional affair then just sex

I think a bit might come down to the idea that if the opportunity to cheat comes along then men are more likely to take it. Chris Rock chats about this in his stand up. He says if you're a woman, pretty much every man you meet from the age of 15 up has been trying to sleep with you. Whilst for men a woman trying to sleep with you is more unusual and you feel 'obliged' to go through with it.
He is a serial adulterer though!