To think it's actually hard for some people not to have an affair?

[swimmingpoolshower]

I promise this is not relating to a personal experience, just from conversations with friends who have either cheated or whose partners have had affairs.
We're always telling people that they should leave their significant others before having any sort of connection with another person, including what is now termed 'emotional affairs.' Most people I know who have cheated weren't looking to cheat and only doubted their relationship when they met the other person. Therefore the timeline must be:
1.) meet someone
2.) feel a connection
3.) quickly leave dw/dh
4.) ask other person if they're interested
5.) get rejected and have nothing/ have affair

I don't see how people are expected to not commence some sort of 'pre-affair' before leaving their husband/wife. My friend whose dh left her recently said that she was horrified he hadn't tried to make it work with her after he realised that he had feelings for OW. By then surely it's too late?
I don't think people who cheat are terrible people as no one can predict who you're going to meet and how you would feel if you found a strong connection with someone else whilst you're in a serious relationship.

To the PP who smugly said neither partner has had an affair or been tempted in 32 years, I find that quite naive - you have no idea if your partner has ever been tempted.

I have noticed that the workplaces which are hotbeds of affairs and misdemeanours are the most boring industries. Call centres, finance, insurance, tax offices. I work in the NHS, no one even has time for a biscuit!

Really? Every NHS hospital I worked in was an absolute free for all! Lots of married Doctors, Nurses and other staff either hooking up after a few too many drinks on work nights out or having full blown affairs. I have a few friends in the Police and it's similar apparently.

I think everyone is in a bit of denial about this whole issue. To use the example of my friends husband. He met someone at work who shared very similar interests and life goals. She wanted children whilst my friend didn't. They didn't sleep together and he left his wife before anything, even a kiss happened. I believe him as he was very honest from the start.
He is still labelled as a cheating scumbag even though I don't know how he could have done anything differently. Unless he had ignored what his heart told him. I won't stay in contact with him as it would be too painful for my friend but I can sympathise with his predicament.

Why couldn't a person be single if they left their partner? If my DH and I split I'd be single I reckon, I loved being single and would happily do it again.
And I've met people that I've fancied the pants off since ive been married and managed quite happily to enjoy the view but not launch into an affair and I'm sure my DH has met plenty of people he's found very attractive too.

Public sector here and agree totally rampant - work away days are legendary for hook ups. Everyone married, I think it is boredom most of the time and wanting a frisson of excitement - most people I know are in a cake and eat it situation!!!

@Boom45 obviously a person can be single. If dp and I split I would be very very happy on my own. But surely the reason that most people have affairs and go on to leave their significant other is to be with the OW/OM?

I left someone rather than cheat. He didn't deserve to be cheated on & OM flagged up something that was missing from our relationship and had never been there. Something that I realised mattered to me. I honestly don't feel I can judge anyone else but if OM hadn't highlighted an issue I knew we couldn't work past, I wouldn't have looked twice. The pain & guilt is still horrendous- the regret is tempered by knowing I was right in the long run. In other relationships I've always stayed to sort things out though.

I must be oblivious to the affairs in my place obviously! Admin is all women so I guess there's not that many fumbles in the stationary cupboard.

no one can predict who you're going to meet and how you would feel if you found a strong connection with someone else whilst you're in a serious relationship

Feelings are one thing, actions another. You're not in control of the former, but you are of the latter. Yes, anyone in a long-term relationship is going to meet attractive people and perhaps be tempted, but that doesn't mean you have no responsiblity for your behaviour. Usually, it takes quite a few actions before you find yourself naked in bed with someone who isn't your husband/wife. You can stop it at any point along the way. Adults are in control of their feelings. That's almost the definiton of being an adult, in fact.

One difficulty is people often frame affairs as being about either the new 'connection' and how important that is, or the old relationship and how 'failing' that is. The common factor between the two, of course, is the person considering the affair. We do seem to get this in some way on a societal level, when we say things like, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater', as we are then reflecting that really it is something within the person cheating that is the most important factor. However, we very often go on to blame the primary relationship instead of looking to the person in that relationship who is considering cheating. So, I would re-write your timeline as the ideal of:

1.) meet someone
2.) feel a connection
3.) consider whether I want that connection to become something more
4.) consider what is going on within me, including my relationship and other factors in my life right now (eg kids growing up so I feel less needed, career stagnating, recent loss, sudden realisation of mortality etc) that mean I am contemplating cheating on my partner. Is the problem really the primary relationship? Is it something else, perhaps within me, that means I am seeking a 'connection' (aka boost to self-esteem, excitement, meaning, change) right now?
5.) seek counselling or do some extended thinking to support me in self-development and clear decision making
6.) make a decision about whether or not to continue my primary relationship

Obviously the above is expecting a lot, but we should be able to expect a lot of ourselves and anyone we give our life to.

So to summarise the OP.

"What if I ended up alone?"

I, I, I.

And that's the problem with cheaters.

I will be flamed by this but I really don’t believe affairs can happen in happy relationships. If a person is more susceptible to find another person interesting enough to break the rules and have an affair, it is because unbeknown to the cheated partner, their relationship was going cold.

Someone mentioned that women leave when they are fed up, and men when they find someone else. I don’t think this means they leave when they find someone better but when they find someone who can give them the motivation to finally leave.

@guinnessguzzler I agree, that is what should happen.

Honestly, I have no idea how people find the time

This is my exact thoughts too! Who can be arsed with it either? I work full time in a busy school and have two young kids, I am way too tired for any of that.

If I ever think (hypothetically of course, I am very happily married) about having an affair, I always wonder how or when I would actually conduct any of it - it would be a logistical nightmare 😂

@TheMotherofAllDilemmas no flaming from me 1000% agree !

There's always reasons people have affairs and its very seldom just to their leg over

So you couldn’t possibly leave a marriage or relationship you’re unhappy in without another person being there to take their place? I just find it incredibly sad that some people genuinely seem unable to be alone.

I don't see how people are expected to not commence some sort of 'pre-affair' before leaving their husband/wife.

People are expected not to leave their husband/wife! You're supposed to be committed to that relationship, to working at loving them, to not acting on any random attraction to other people, to not let that attraction become an emotional involvement.

And yes, sometimes marriages do fail. But they ought never to fail because you've met someone else. Deal with the relationship you're in before you open yourself up to anything new. It is always, ALWAYS, possibly to say no.

I think you notice something is not right in your relationship way before an affair starts. Affairs are for the weak who either cannot be arsed to work on their marriage or don’t have the balls to say ‘I’m done’ and walk away.

But isn't there something between meeting someone and feeling a connection? Isn't there a point where boundaries get lowered? Where a degree of oversharing or sharing confidences occurs and that is when the connection gets made? It is at the point before the connection that the people can turn right into an affair or left away from an affair. I have seen this at work many times when sitting at a desk having a chat turns into 'let's go for a coffee' and it's over that coffee that the seeds of an affair get down.

I would be surprised if any woman with young kids and a job had the time or inclination to have an affair, but I wouldn’t be equally surprised if a man had an affair while his partner was so busy working and taking the lion’s share of the responsibility of raising the children. By taking over on all the parenting and household chores, a woman can actually enable a husband to have the free time and energy she doesn’t have, to go and cheat.

I'm attracted to/have felt the gallops for plenty of people over the years but being a human with some idea of cause and effect and not a marmoset I've never fucked anyone*

This for me is the line. I get really hacked off when people condemn so called “emotional affairs” as just as bad as something physical occurring. I get that over-indulging about someone is unhealthy, and should perhaps make you give more consideration to the health (or otherwise) of your current relationship. But there’s still time to make a choice if you haven’t taken it further.

@Urkiddingright no, you might not realise that there is anything wrong in your relationship till you meet someone else. I'll use another example, a friend of mine is from a different country and was married to an English man. She met someone from her country at work and they hit it off. She could talk in her native tongue and laugh about the same things. She didn't realise that she missed that cultural connection until she met him. This was obviously couldn't be something that could be fixed in her marriage, she couldn't change her DH's nationality! So she left him. Prior to that she thought she was happy in her relationship.

Over-indulging in thinking about someone

And the first section should be bold.

@AnyOldSpartabix I agree, I don't understand emotional affairs. It's just daydreaming isn't it?

I have to say I entirely agree with you OP. It’s sad of course but I agree that a lot of people only think the grass is greener once they’ve met someone else and formed a connection. To form a physical connection would be wrong and horrible but emotionally, I think it’s very normal before leaving your husband or wife