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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party etiquette - what would you do?

126 replies

dollym1x · 31/01/2020 12:06

My daughter is having her 8th birthday party soon. We were going to invite all the girls in her class (bar one who didn't go to the last 2 parties we invited her to bc she's not there on the weekend), but this morning my daughter found out she hadn't been invited to another little girl in her friendship groups party - the other girls were all excitedly talking about it this morning, that's how we found out (other girls party is this afternoon).
Now this party I'm organising for my daughter is fairly expensive per head, I'm going to ask my daughter what she thinks tonight, but now I'm thinking of also not inviting this other girl.
Am I being petty 😂 We invited this girl to my daughters party this time last year & she showed, and they are in the same friendship group.
What would you do?

My daughters party wont be for another month yet.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 31/01/2020 12:09

I would give the invites to my child, let them write them out and be an adult about the whole thing. The tit-for-tat approach does nobody any favours and you need to be less invested in this kind of thing for the sake of your own sanity.

loobyloo1234 · 31/01/2020 12:10

YABU. They may have limited numbers OP?

Drum2018 · 31/01/2020 12:11

Is the other girl only having a few from the class? Why not just invite her closest friends as opposed to all the girls. Then you can leave this girl out too. Surely at 8 there's no need to invite them all unless it's a very small class.

Comefromaway · 31/01/2020 12:12

The other girl may only be inviting a small number. You need to either invite all of the girls, or roughly half of them. It's cruel to just exclude one.

MatildaTheCat · 31/01/2020 12:12

You wanted to invite her before so you should now. You don’t know why she didn’t invite your DD.

I would personally also invite the other child even if she can’t attend. Seems sad for her.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2020 12:13

If you are inviting every girl in the class and just leave her out then you are being very unreasonable and very mean. I'm presuming that girl didn't invite everyone in the class except your child?

Spied · 31/01/2020 12:14

I'd feel the same as you tbh.
I'd leave it up to DD to decide ultimately but if she decided not to invite this girl I'd happily agree.

Ohyesiam · 31/01/2020 12:16

I only did whole class invites in reception when she didn't rreally know them yet. I’d go with what you dd wants to do.
For next year she ll be old enough for a ”grown up” treat with a couple of friends. pizza and cinema ( much less of a head fuck all round)

slashlover · 31/01/2020 12:16

You want to play tit-for-tat with an 8 year old?

Tombliwho · 31/01/2020 12:16

Confused you're inviting all of the girls in the class. That is different to someone having a smaller party with limited guests. Teach your child she can't be invited to everything.

karala · 31/01/2020 12:17

Be the bigger person and invite her - it's sad your daughter hasn't been invited but you and she are giving a really good example of excellent behaviour by inviting her and that's more positive in the long run
(although I would be doing it through gritted teeth)

getyourgrooveon · 31/01/2020 12:18

Please don't teach your daughter to be petty. That is not a good life lesson.

CurrynChips · 31/01/2020 12:19

The one child you weren't planning to invite already... has their parent said that they'd prefer if you didn't keep inviting her (e.g. being invited and unable to attend upsets her). Otherwise I'd still invite her, presumably it's not her fault if she's never there at weekends and unable to attend, but inviting everyone else and excluding her is likely to make her feel doubly left out.

As for the other child unless she's invited everyone in the class except your daughter, it's a different situation. Your dd has realised she's not one of the select few this girl favours, that may be upsetting for your dd but it's not the same as inviting everyone in a class except one.

TheSoapyFrog · 31/01/2020 12:19

I had a similar situation with my son's party. Although I wasn't happy he was left out, I still made sure the girl was invited to his as he wanted his whole class there and I couldn't bring myself to exclude one child for the sake of pettiness.

Original poster
dollym1x · 31/01/2020 12:20

I don't want to leave my daughter to write the invites & invite who she wants - she'll want to invite most of the class & that's not an option for us financially.

All the girls in the class inc my daughter would be 13 total if I invited everyone.
I don't want to invite the girl who wont show because I'll have to pay £20 plus for her not to show.
I'm not sure perhaps the girl with the party today was only allowed to invite a certain amount of kids, but it was certainly all the girls in my daughters friendship group that were invited. They'd obviously been told not to tell her too because one said 'oops' when she realised she'd said it in front of her. Then she told my daughter 'don't show up at the party'!!!! 🙄

OP posts:
Lucked · 31/01/2020 12:21

I would invite them all including the girl who you know can’t come (it is nice to be asked after all)

You had made you plans already and I wouldn’t let this influence you as you do not know the circumstances.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 31/01/2020 12:23

Mine are teens now but I remember having to grit my teeth every year with my DD's choice of invitees. There was one boy she was very friendly with. His birthday was a few weeks before hers and he never invited her to his parties. Every single year she'd add him to the list and I'd have to let her!

It's crap when your child gets left out but I do think we feel/notice it more than they do

SoulStarS · 31/01/2020 12:23

What @FudgeBrownie2019 said.

Don’t ask your daughter what she ‘thinks.’ At 8, she will probably tell you herself.

Let your daughter decide. Her party. (even though you’re paying!) Her choice.

Honestly though, I hear you. It’s hurtful when your children are excluded. It breaks your heart imagining them finding out this way too.

But, at 8 she’s old enough to choose for herself how to handle it, and you have to support that decision.

Original poster
dollym1x · 31/01/2020 12:25

@tombliwho she already knows she cant be invited to everything & is ok with that. I was just a bit taken aback with how it was done/said this morning & her being told not to show up to the party (obvs as she wasnt invited)

OP posts:
SoulStarS · 31/01/2020 12:25

'oops' when she realised she'd said it in front of her. Then she told my daughter 'don't show up at the party'!!!! 🙄

Missed this...

Original poster
dollym1x · 31/01/2020 12:27

Just to clarify the little girl who we're already not inviting never goes to anyone in the classes parties - its because she's away every weekend (parents are split) & its not near enough to bring her back to attend parties for a few hours. If I thought she'd be able to attend I'd invite her in a heartbeat

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 31/01/2020 12:28

As your DD what she wants to do. In your shoes I'd probably not invite her because she obviously doesn't think of your DD as as close a friend as you thought.

Urkiddingright · 31/01/2020 12:30

Has the other girl invited every girl in the class except your DD or has she only invited a select few girls?

Subtractingcalories · 31/01/2020 12:30

Leaving one or two DC out of parties or day trips is one of my bugbears. Yes YANBU it would be petty not to invite the other girl. These are eight-year-old children. It's up to parents to set a good example.

You don't know why this other mother hasn't included your daughter - invitation gone astray, cutting down numbers for financial or family reasons, venue restrictions, some sort of falling out etc - don't automatically assume the worst.

And even if it does eventually turn out the other family were just being unkind, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you have been generous, despite the path her parents have chosen.

Like pp, I'd send an invite to the child who is away at w/es too, just to let her know her presence will be missed.

Mumto1girl3boys · 31/01/2020 12:32

Id be petty and not invite her, especially after the "dont show up at the party" comment. See how she likes it