Party etiquette - what would you do?

[dollym1x]

My daughter is having her 8th birthday party soon. We were going to invite all the girls in her class (bar one who didn't go to the last 2 parties we invited her to bc she's not there on the weekend), but this morning my daughter found out she hadn't been invited to another little girl in her friendship groups party - the other girls were all excitedly talking about it this morning, that's how we found out (other girls party is this afternoon).
Now this party I'm organising for my daughter is fairly expensive per head, I'm going to ask my daughter what she thinks tonight, but now I'm thinking of also not inviting this other girl.
Am I being petty 😂 We invited this girl to my daughters party this time last year & she showed, and they are in the same friendship group.
What would you do?

My daughters party wont be for another month yet.

@currynchips it's a teddy bear stuffing party, I'm buying the teddy bear kits, t shirts, craft stuff etc ahead of time hence why I need numbers now. That's why I thought girls party I'm not sure how many of the boys that age still like stuffed animals. It works out fairly expensive per head.

This is an example of how girls are socialised to be ‘nice’.

Mmm, I'd still encourage my child to invite everyone in the class (finances allowing) and not succumb to pettiness if this situation involved a group of boys.

FWIW I did a similar party for DD's 8th birthday and she invited a boy who LOVED his new cuddly rabbit. So don't choose according to gender.

OP, in the posts @Haffiana quoted you phrased it like 13 guests including your daughter was financially out of the question; not that 27 was out of the question. On a second reading I saw what you meant, but I thought the same at first.

Maybe a stupid question, but if you just asked her to choose 12 guests would she choose a mix of boys and girls, given you say she'd ideally have the whole class there? I assume not or you wouldn't be saying you were only inviting girls.

Anyway, whatever you do don't exclude one child. Even the one who you know can't come; she'll feel horrible not getting an invitation when everyone else does. It's far better at that age to have to decline an invitation than to not receive one.

Ugh I hate this 'all the girls' or 'all the boys' thing - why?? Does your child really not have any male friends in a class that (I assume) is fairly 50/50? Why make this divide?

I'd either invite every single person in the class (whether you know they can attend or not, that's just good manners), or just 4-5.

The not being invited wouldn't worry me, they can't get invited to everything, but it doesn't sound like it was done very nicely. In fact it sounds horrible so although I wouldn't normally exclude a child because they didn't invite mine I would be tempted with this one.

I'd probably invite the other girl.

But I am petty, and I'd be doing it because I think that's more likely to make the girl's parents feel really bad than not inviting her. I'd ladle on the "oh I hope little X enjoyed her birthday last week" when they dropped her off too.

Agree about the child away at weekends - invite, put a deadline for letting you know either way on the invite, or catch mum to confirm. At least she feels then she would have been welcome. If she goes on to have a midweek party for her own birthday, you don't want your daughter left out because she only invites those who invited her to theirs!

And also agree about inviting the child who didn't invite your daughter. If numbers were strictly limited for her party, she may already be feeling bad about having had to leave someone out - she'd obviously tried to avoid your daughter knowing.

Lead by example and be kind. And to be honest the people you are inviting might not be able to come so needing to know numbers is rubbish. You won’t know numbers until people have replied.

*This is an example of how girls are socialised to be ‘nice’.

Unpleasant exclusive behaviour, bullying tendency and yet she should still invite her?*

Nope. I have a son and I'd still say the same.

@bonnesvacances @quimreaper I think you're right I was just worried boys that age wouldn't want to make a bear/animal. She does have friends who are boys who I know she would like to invite. I think I'll scrap the all girls list & just give her a limit & let her invite who she chooses without my influence. If she chooses to put the girl who has the party today on the list that's her own call I guess.
That will make it a lot fairer I think?
Thank you everyone for all the help!

Yeah you don't teach your kid to be that petty, immature and mean. Even if personally that's how you are. You try to pretend to your kid you're not, and show that there may be a reason she's not invited that's nothing to do with her, and that we take the high road and invite"

I'd also have asked the other little girl if she can attend. You can't get all up in your kids social circles like this op.

I'd ladle on the "oh I hope little X enjoyed her birthday last week" when they dropped her off too.

What if the parents could only accommodate / afford say, 7 guests? That's not remotely unreasonable. OP hasn't answered whether her daughter was specifically excluded yet - I suspect she doesn't know, and it sounds unlikely. And it wasn't the birthday girl who was giggling and whispering and told her not to turn up, it was another girl who was invited.

Yabu, overthinking it and being petty! Every I have a dc same age and year so far my has had a big party and invited about 20kids. This year she wanted a sleepover. She has a good group of friends but practically she could only have 4 to stay. It was hard for her to chose but she did. I'm sure there were a few girls put out, but that's life! Teach your dc about the real world and support her to be the bigger person.

Be very interested to know if she has free reign whether she invites mostly girls or mostly boys etc. Just from a sociological aspect!

Do come back and tell us how it all goes. Well done for working it out.

We've had this and it's not very nice if they just leave out one child from a friendship group.

However, you need to be the bigger person and teach your dd that it isn't tit for tat. I wouldn't discuss this with her unless she's upset and definitely wouldn't suggest that as she didn't invite your dd you won't be inviting her.

The mum will probably feel bad when she gets your invite anyway.

My dd was back to being invited as a 'small select group of girls' this year. And others were missed out. I don't know how some people think. In this case it's more about what the DM wants than the dc though, I've worked that much out.

Honestly I wouldn't invite the other girl, nor would I invite any of the others who've been mean to your daughter either.

By inviting this girl you've teaching your daughter that it's ok for others to be mean to her and she has to just take it. That if someone treats you badly you just have to suck it up and there are no consequences for the other person. Sorry, but I wouldn't do this to my child. The fact that the other girls have been told to keep it from your daughter is a direct and completely intentional snub. That's not what friends do. Quite frankly at that age if it was a parent who'd made the choice to single out an individual in their child's friendship group not to invite then the birthday child wouldn't be sneaking around. They have no tact. They'd come right out and tell their friend that they wanted them to come to their party but their mum wouldn't let them!!!!

I think that's very sensible OP

And I'm sure the little boys will love making stuffed teddies!

I think I'll scrap the all girls list & just give her a limit & let her invite who she chooses without my influence. If she chooses to put the girl who has the party today on the list that's her own call I guess.

That sounds like the best solution I think

Please invite the girl who’s away every weekend. It’s so hard for kids in that position. Just don’t confirm numbers until you’ve settled with the parents if she’s coming.

Re the girl who has excluded yours I’d be more inclined to not invite her for this comment:
oops' when she realised she'd said it in front of her. Then she told my daughter 'don't show up at the party'!!!! 🙄

What if the parents could only accommodate / afford say, 7 guests?

If they could only accommodate 7 guests then why would they feel bad at OP hoping their DD had nice birthday? It will only make them feel guilty if they know they've behaved badly.

Ah, just seen your update!

I wouldn’t invite her.

I’m not teaching my daughter that other kids can be horrible and that it’s acceptable.

I'd go for a smaller number of closer, reliable friends.

DS has majority of girls in his class. By the time he listed who he wanted (age 8), there were only a couple of boys missing so we did all the boys. We had one dithering around until 2 hours before the party about if he was coming or not. The previous year, another randomly turned up with a child who had failed to reply. The ones that mucked us about over the years are not DS's close friends and have never invited DS to any kind of party. This year (9) it was close friends only. Few people are doing bigger parties now and I've done two whole class, plus two half-class/ boys parties, so more than my fair share. DS invited one good friend who hasn't invited him to anything this year. I'm not going to gripe over that; I'm not sure if they did anything or not, but they haven't mucked us around so I have no ill-feeling there.

Missing a couple off is awkward territory though.