Party etiquette - what would you do?

[dollym1x]

My daughter is having her 8th birthday party soon. We were going to invite all the girls in her class (bar one who didn't go to the last 2 parties we invited her to bc she's not there on the weekend), but this morning my daughter found out she hadn't been invited to another little girl in her friendship groups party - the other girls were all excitedly talking about it this morning, that's how we found out (other girls party is this afternoon).
Now this party I'm organising for my daughter is fairly expensive per head, I'm going to ask my daughter what she thinks tonight, but now I'm thinking of also not inviting this other girl.
Am I being petty 😂 We invited this girl to my daughters party this time last year & she showed, and they are in the same friendship group.
What would you do?

My daughters party wont be for another month yet.

I can't be the only one who think is awfully shit not to invite the away-at-weekends girl!

If her parents never bother RSVP, that's one thing, but if they do reply, give them a chance. She might say no. So what, you don't pay at the time of invitation, you fix the booking when you know the numbers.

You are far too involved in drama and ridiculous politics, you sound like one of those mean girls who never grew up.

I have 9 and 11 year old boys - they both still love soft toys - my 9 year old especially would love your daughters party and he’s outwardly a very sport boys boy ! ... I wouldn’t exclude boys your daughter wants to invite

Cohle that's true, although from your post I suspect your pointed tone would be apparent!

DD's Be My Bear Party was her most successful one and I received thank yous from the parents because the DC had enjoyed it so much. Especially the boy I mentioned earlier in the thread.

I thought I'd share my party plan for you OP, in case it's helpful. We didn't decorate T-shirts to keep the costs down and I printed off birthday cards to colour in instead.

Be My Bear Party
On the floor on a rug in a circle each child stuffs their own bear with help from an adult as needed. When everyone is ready (adults check bears are full stuffed), everyone makes a silent wish and puts the wish in the bear and close.

Tell the children they now have to think of a name for their bear. Children make or colour in a birthday card (print off copies beforehand) for their newborn bear writing inside To Name, Happy Birthday, Love Name.

Teddy bears picnic on the floor with mini food. Eg. Mini Jamie dodgers, mini chocolate fingers, small squares of pizza, fries.

Move to the table for cake time. (We removed all the chairs so they could stand around it). Table had DD’s birthday cake in the middle and each place setting had a fairy cake with a single candle in it. We sang Happy Birthday to DD first, then lit the single candles and sang happy birthday to the bears (each child singing the name of their own bear) then blow out their bear’s candle.

Then play pass the parcel with the bears included in the circle. Prize is a T-shirt for the bear. Could play other games with other accessories as prizes.

By inviting this girl you've teaching your daughter that it's ok for others to be mean to her and she has to just take it. That if someone treats you badly you just have to suck it up and there are no consequences for the other person.

Except the girl is 8. Which means that it is her parents who made the decision. And maybe money is tight and they can only afford a few friends. Maybe lots of other reasons that made the parents make that call.

Why are people so ready to punish an 8 year old? It is NOT OK to teach an 8 year old that tit for tat by adults against children is something that grown adults indulge in. Even if they obviously do, going by this thread.

FFS grow up!

You can't be expected to be invited to everybody's party- there will always be some people who don't return your invitation and there might be some that invite you even though you didn't invite them. That's the way parties go at this age. It's petty and cruel to leave one girl out as revenge. You are pathetic to even consider it.

I'd invite all the girls- even the one you know can't come because it will make her feel good to know she is wanted at your daughter's party- it's nicer to be invited and have to decline than to not be invited at all.

@josefkeller thanks for that, did you even bother to read any of the replies.
I can assure you I'm not bothered in politics & drama & not a mean girl 🤣
You sound pretty mean yourself? So angry behind your keyboard with half the facts 🤣

@rhubarbncustard4 that's really great to hear, I don't have any boys so am really clueless I just assumed 8/9 they'd no longer like teddies. I'll let her pick & I'm sure she'll definitely want some boys as she's friends with a few.

Thank you again to everyone who was kind & I'll definitely update to say if she chose a mix of boys & girls, we are ordering the teddy kits now this weekend, because I'm in Europe they'll take longer to be delivered from the UK hence the rush on being organised.

@freakstar thanks for the abuse. I can see you didn't read anymore of the post or replies.
Really brave hiding behind your keyboard throwing out insults 🤣

We never do the ‘all girls’ thing. I agree a number with my daughter and then she and I sit down and make a list together. It’s her birthday next month, and her list has worked out 50/50 boys and girls. I do steer ever so slightly, for instance there’s a new child in her class who only started this week so I suggested it might be nice to include him, and we added on a child who invited her to their party a few months ago. There was one child whose party she attended last year who we haven’t included this year because since then they haven’t been getting on at all well and she said a vehement ‘no’ when I suggested her!

Your plan of letting her know she can invite 13 kids and then letting her decide is a good one. I'd stick with that and give it no more headspace. If some sort of drama occurs because of who was or wasn't invited then support/guide her through that when it happens.

Do you ever meet away-every-weekend-girl's mum face to face? Can you ask her if boomerang is away weekend of 12th never as you would love to ask her to a party? So you are finding out, but without issuing an invitation.....then see what she says. It may be the only weekend that she is around.

There really is no need to invite the girl who didn't invite your dd, and your solution to invite a mixed group sounds perfect. Perhaps you could speak to the weekend girl and explain, perhaps offer a special playdate when she is available.

The birthday girl may well have only been allowed to invite a certain number of children or whatever, but that is up to her and her parents. Just as you have restrictions too. I cannot believe that either she or her parents could be upset about that, or that you have a moral obligation to invite everyone, clearly the girl and her parents did not see it that way and didnt mind much if your dd was upset.

Pretty sure ds would have loved a teddy at that age.

You should take the moral high ground here and invite all the girls even the one you are pretty sure won't be able to travel for it, there's always a chance she'll have her arrangements changed. Don't include her in the number you are giving to the party venue, it would be easy to add her in last minute.

Little children will be rude and will be unkind to each other unintentionally. If her parents said choose 6 people for your party and your daughter didn't make the cut please don't exclude her now. Think of the weddings you have been to, and those you might have been invited to if the happy couple had a bigger venue or a bigger budget. You wouldn't cut them out of your life.

I would let your girl just invite the girls and boys she is close too. For my girls 6th she chose 4 girls and 3 boys for the cinema and bowling. I know some do all girls or all boys but realistically your girl won't talk to them all, and there will have been plenty of smaller parties that your girl is unaware of that she hasn't been invited too. I would just limit your numbers by half from the off.

@bonnesvacances thank you for that! We also did a bemybear party for my eldest at a similar age (she's now almost an adult), and she remembers it as her best party ever from her childhood. That's why I wanted to give our youngest a similar party, despite a few on this thread saying it's too expensive for an 8 year old, this will be her last party like this. They grow up so fast I know it will be cinema or laser tag next year with a smaller amount of guests... so kind of wanted to go out with a bang & give her a party to remember.

My elder daughter is actually going to host it for me! We're hiring a room in a hall rather than our home as parents tend to stay with much younger siblings, so we wouldn't the room.
Definitely doing pass the parcel with a bear outfit & thank you for all the other suggestions! 💚

Don't be petty and mean to 8 year olds - you're an adult!

Either invite all the girls (including the one who won't be able to come - think how upset she'd be to find she's the only girl not invited!) or let you DD choose 5 friends.

Why on earth wouldn't you invite the girl who won't be able to come. Imagine if that were your DD. Even though she can't make it she knows that she's wanted there.

That's nasty. And yes, boys like building bears too

I would definitely include the boys too and let her decide who she wants to invite but I would be inclined to discourage her from inviting the birthday girl who did not invite her.

Letting your daughter choose sounds like the right thing to do.
Personally I’d feel the same as you. My DD invited the whole class, as she’s in reception. We had a hall so didn’t have the number restrictions.
I’d say out of 30 maybe 15 came, 5 couldn’t make it and 10 didn’t respond. I was so surprised so many parents couldn’t even be bothered to respond! Out of those non-responders 1 turned up on the day with 2 siblings. I didn’t have enough party bags as I’d assumed no response = not coming.
She came home saying ‘x’ is having a party and I’ve not been invited. This was a child I thought she was good friends with. At first I was a bit put out that she hadn’t received an invite back, but then I gave my head a wobble and just said to her maybe they don’t have enough places to invite everyone and she accepted that fine.

In fairness to the girls, realistically they were probably trying not to talk about it in front of your daughter so she wouldn’t be upset about the lack of invite rather than any bullying behaviour.
Was it the birthday girls that made the comments or one of the others?

My daughter has invited plenty of kids to her parties who don't invite her back. She's very mature about it and doesn't mind. Makes me proud of her. I wouldn't be petty in this case.

8 years old and £20 a head and you are considering inviting 12ish!

When ds was 8/9 and we started to do more expensive activity type parties, including ds, it was 4-6 max! He was also told the activity was his main present and his gift was something small, or he could have a bigger gift and no activity.

These things are actually better in smaller groups where they can concentrate on enjoying the activity rather than the crowd, in a big group they end up with their closest friends and barely notice half the other kids - that you are paying >£100 extra for - are there.

YABU.
Sorry, but be a grown up about it. So what if your child hasn't been invited to this other girl's party? Maybe it's strict on numbers and can't invite everybody?
Kids have to learn they can't be invited to everything and it's not always personal.

You have 2 choices: rise above it and invite everyone (I would also invite the girl who is away at weekends because surely they will decline the invite anyway?you shouldn’t just not invite one kid) and feel good in the knowledge that you are a mature and kindhearted person who doesn’t leave anyone out. It’ll make you feel good.
Or don’t invite her and get the satisfaction of knowing that what, an 8 yr old will be upset and getting her just desserts? (Who knows, maybe she won’t care?)
It’d be tempting to leave her out but I wouldn’t personally, it’ll make you look as bad as the other mum.
This is why I only allow my dd also aged 8 to have small parties with 3 or 4 friends - that way you’re not just leaving out one or two kids.

Also my dd hasn’t been invited to hardly any parties since year 1 - I don’t know whether that’s because people aren’t having them or because she just isn’t invited but she’s never mentioned it or been Bothered so neither am I (in fact I’m glad because the last thing I want to do at weekends is be schlepping around to some bloody party venue an hours drive away).
Don’t be so invested in it.