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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Party etiquette - what would you do?

126 replies

dollym1x · 31/01/2020 12:06

My daughter is having her 8th birthday party soon. We were going to invite all the girls in her class (bar one who didn't go to the last 2 parties we invited her to bc she's not there on the weekend), but this morning my daughter found out she hadn't been invited to another little girl in her friendship groups party - the other girls were all excitedly talking about it this morning, that's how we found out (other girls party is this afternoon).
Now this party I'm organising for my daughter is fairly expensive per head, I'm going to ask my daughter what she thinks tonight, but now I'm thinking of also not inviting this other girl.
Am I being petty 😂 We invited this girl to my daughters party this time last year & she showed, and they are in the same friendship group.
What would you do?

My daughters party wont be for another month yet.

OP posts:

Tombliwho · 31/01/2020 12:32

The updates put a different spin on it really.
It initially seemed like it that she just wasn't invited to a party where not everyone was invited anyway. No big deal.
Hiding it from her and telling her not to turn up makes it sound like quite an unpleasant situation.

Subtractingcalories · 31/01/2020 12:33

Gah sorry meant to write YABU!

MaggieFS · 31/01/2020 12:36

After the latest events, do you think DD will still want the same people invited or have changed her mind? It's up to her and you need to be the adult and rise above it.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2020 12:37

They'd obviously been told not to tell her too because one said 'oops' when she realised she'd said it in front of her. Then she told my daughter 'don't show up at the party'!!!

Bit of a drip feed there

CurrynChips · 31/01/2020 12:38

Why do you have to pay for a place if the child's not going to attend? Surely you confirm places and pay based on numbers attending not numbers invited? Did the girl you were already planning to invite not RSVP previously and just not show? If so, get round that by writing on the invitations that anyone who doesn't RSVP will be assumed not to be attending and won't have a place booked and therefore will not be able to be admitted on the day.

You were originally intending to invite all the girls, so clearly it's not about not being able to afford to invite them all, rather about the fact that your daughter's not been invited. Either invite all the girls, or invite a more limited number - ask your daughter to pick e.g. 8. Or if she'd actually choose to invite the boys from her class as well - and enough of them would take precedence over some of the girls to again mean that it's not only one girl being left out, just allow her to pick the 12 she'd like to invite.

Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2020 12:38

"Just to clarify the little girl who we're already not inviting never goes to anyone in the classes parties - its because she's away every weekend (parents are split) & its not near enough to bring her back to attend parties for a few hours. If I thought she'd be able to attend I'd invite her in a heartbeat" I'd still invite her. No skin off your nose if she doesn't come.

As far as the girl who did not invite your dd, ask your child, if she says yes, then go for it. Maybe there were strict numbers on who can come.

I think not inviting her looks a bit petty. Only if you dd doesn't want her there, then I would not invite.

Also, if you don't invite one girl because you think she cannot come, it looks bad (to me) if you are inviting them all. Maybe one day her parents will ask her if she does want to go.

After 8 or 9 they tend to go for smaller birthday outings so the days of the whole class thing may change in a year or two.

ivykaty44 · 31/01/2020 12:38

Explain to your daughter

We can have this many people to the party, who’d you want to invite?

Let her write the invites and pop them out

MintyMabel · 31/01/2020 12:39

I don't want to leave my daughter to write the invites & invite who she wants - she'll want to invite most of the class

Duh - so tell her how many she can invite 🙄

DD has done this every year, I give her the number, she chooses who.

It's not up to me to get involved in the playground politics.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 31/01/2020 12:39

This is an example of how girls are socialised to be ‘nice’.

Unpleasant exclusive behaviour, bullying tendency and yet she should still invite her?

8 year old girls’ friendships are full of politics but this is where you decide what lesson you want to teach your daughter.

Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2020 12:40

Oh hang on, just spotted that she was told not to go. In that case I would definitely ask your dd and do what she wants.

Haffiana · 31/01/2020 12:40

Id be petty and not invite her, especially after the "dont show up at the party" comment. See how she likes it

Oh Yes. Lets see a grown woman be a cunt to an 8 year old child. That' will teach her, eh?

Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2020 12:41

Yes, agree with Illstartexercisingtomorrow "This is an example of how girls are socialised to be ‘nice’.

Unpleasant exclusive behaviour, bullying tendency and yet she should still invite her?"

Ask your dd, talk to her. I think it sounds pretty horrible what the other kids did but i didn't see it when I replied first time.

Haffiana · 31/01/2020 12:44

In your OP you say:
My daughter is having her 8th birthday party soon. We were going to invite all the girls in her class

Then you say:
I don't want to leave my daughter to write the invites & invite who she wants - she'll want to invite most of the class & that's not an option for us financially.
All the girls in the class inc my daughter would be 13 total if I invited everyone.

Which is it? Are you inviting all the girls or not?

Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2020 12:44

Totally agree with ivykaty44
"Explain to your daughter

We can have this many people to the party, who’d you want to invite?

Let her write the invites and pop them out"

I realise looking back that birthdays were so fraught with this kind of stress! My dd once invited a friend, I told the mum, then dd changed her mind! She wanted me to univite! I said, if you want to do that you need to tell her. Of course she did not so all was well. But honestly, kids do need to work some of this out for themselves. It's all a lesson, for them.

Original poster

dollym1x · 31/01/2020 12:45

Sorry - hard to make myself clear in one go here, definitely not intending to drip feed.
It wasnt the birthday girl who told her not to show up, it was the same girl who started talking about the party then realised she shouldn't & said oops.
Its difficult cos I cant give the kids names would have been much easier to follow if I could- apologies!
The birthday girl wasn't even present when the other girls were talking about the party just to clarify.

I just wanted to know if I was over thinking things & being petty - sounds like I am from what the majority of you have said. Thank you to those of you who said it kindly. I think it's from myself remembering not being invited to parties as a child so I'm feeling it more & its possible my daughter doesn't give two hoots, I'll talk to her tonight just to go through the guest list see who she wants.
I have to have it sorted this early because I have to order kits for them to make 🙈

OP posts:

Nofunkingworriesmate · 31/01/2020 12:47

Invite all, anything less is mean and is bad example

be clear prompt rsvp required
Invite girl who is away at weekends as it’s mean not too, she will rsvp quickly and you so you won’t pay for her

Saddler · 31/01/2020 12:49

I wouldn't invite her but leave it for your daughter to decide

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2020 12:49

Unpleasant exclusive behaviour, bullying tendency and yet she should still invite her?

tbf, had the OP said in her first post the part about the girls "saying" whoops when they let it slip and the birthday girl telling her not to show up people would probably have had different opinions to give. I would have for sure (incidentally my opinion would have been exactly the same if it were boys rather than girls we're discussing, I'm as feminist as they come)

Drum2018 · 31/01/2020 12:50

At £20 per person I'd seriously rethink inviting 13 kids. That's a lot to spend on an 8 year olds party. Could she not just invite 5/6 of her closest friends?

Original poster

dollym1x · 31/01/2020 12:52

@haffiana (sorry if I've spelt your name wrong!) Theres 13 girls in the class inc my daughter. I was planning on inviting 11 bc one definitely cannot attend. So 12 including my daughter ... theres about 27 I think in the whole class, so we def couldn't afford to invite everyone ever.
I don't know what your point is though. Please explain?

OP posts:

roses2 · 31/01/2020 12:53

I wouldn't invite her to the party but I'm clearly more petty than the average MN user :)

Original poster

dollym1x · 31/01/2020 12:54

@haffiana someone said I should leave it to my daughter to invite whoever she wants, that's why I said she'd want to invite most of the class & I'd have to limit.

OP posts:

Genevieva · 31/01/2020 12:54

You have no obligation to invite her. You can assume that the girl will not be anticipating an invitation. I don't like the indication that there has been a secret conspiracy to exclude your daughter. On this occasion, given the time pressure and the cost involved, I would not invite her. There will plenty more years when you can if they remain friends.

I would be tempted to contact the parent of the other girl who never attends parties and say that you will not be booking a place for her because you are aware that she won't be able to come, but you don't want her to feel left out, so perhaps she would like to come round for tea after school one day.

Hagbeth · 31/01/2020 12:55

If you don’t invite this girl you may discover a few of the other girls won’t turn up either. Not saying it’s fair, just that there is always someone who wants to play the Queen Bee.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2020 12:56

@dollym1x you could not invite her plus the one who told her not to show up :p then you have a nice round 10

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