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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if DH wants to keep the kids off school he should take care of them?

116 replies

ASatisfyingThump · 30/01/2020 08:54

They've gone to school now, so it's more of a theoretical question, but I'm still really annoyed at DH.

For context, DS2 hasn't been at pre-school this week because he hasn't been sleeping at night. He does this just before any sort of development, and we have been potty training, so I'm not too worried, but I'm also worn out because of lack of sleep and having a tired, cranky 3yo at home all week.

DH promised to sort the kids out this morning so I could catch up on some sleep. At 7.45 he wakes me up to get my opinion - DS2 is still asleep and DS1 is complaining of a tummy ache but no temp or D&V. I told him the DS1 should go to school (if he is actually sick or becomes sick they'll send him home) and since DS2 slept through last night he should go to pre-school. DH spent 20 minutes arguing with me until I said fine, keep them off then. 10 minutes later DS1 is out of bed and absolutely fine and DS2 is wide awake. So now we've had a huge rush to get ready and out of the house, I haven't had the lie in I was supposed to get, and I'm annoyed at DH for ignoring me when I said they should go in. If he'd gotten his way I would have had two completely well kids to look after all day instead of doing what I had planned to do. So AIBU to think that if DH is going to be such a soft touch about the kids staying off school, then he can take the day off work to look after them?

(I will point out I have no issue with the kids staying home if they're genuinely sick/exhausted, but DH really is a soft touch and DS1 knows it. I'm just sick to death of him trying to overrule me when I'm the one that deals with the kids all day every day.)

OP posts:
CameFromAway · 30/01/2020 11:03

YANBU.

He was opting for the easy - for him - option of "agree they can stsy home and DW looks after them rather than me having to argue with DC1 that he's fine and has to get up."

It's no big deal tyo allow a child to stay home if you're not the one with the consequences. nOP, you sound run ragged from sleepless nights and I hope you can get some rest today.

ticking · 30/01/2020 11:05

Just to throw another view in - I'd send them tired!

D&V and temperature keeps them off.

I think even tired they should keep up with their routine as more likely to sleep the next night if tired from pre-school.

MrsStrangerThing · 30/01/2020 11:07

OK well now we have that further information, I don't really understand why he woke you at all rather than making the decision himself. And he went back to bed after he woke you? Nope, now I think he is a CF!

I had assumed he woke you because you would need to take over and let him get to work...... Obviously not!

Aderyn19 · 30/01/2020 11:07

Hang on, you got up and DH went back to bed?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 30/01/2020 11:09

I've also changed my mind given the fact he wasn't actually going to work yet.

He should've left you in bed and got up with DC. Taken younger one to pre-school. He could've taken DC1 to school later if needed. Absolutely no reason for him to get you up other than to be lazy and selfish.

windycuntryside · 30/01/2020 11:11

Don’t keep children off school because they haven’t slept. Madness. Grumpy children are not unwell children.
As a sahm of course you look after sick children.
If however your husband wishes to tell you how to care for the children, then yes he looks after them.

Original poster
ASatisfyingThump · 30/01/2020 11:16

Aderyn only for 10 minutes, no way was I letting him sleep once the kids got up! I helped get them ready then he did the school run while I went back to bed.

OP posts:
IceniSky · 30/01/2020 11:21

What time does your DH work till tonight?

Original poster
ASatisfyingThump · 30/01/2020 11:26

Either 9 or 9.30, I don't remember exactly. He's home by 10.30 either way, it's the same train he has to catch at that time.

OP posts:
CoffeeCoinneseur · 30/01/2020 11:27

So he was supposed to be giving you a lie in, got you up and out of bed under the guise of your DS being supposedly unwell, and then went back to bed himself.Shock

Nah, fuck that, he’s taking the piss. YANBU.

MyDcAreMarvel · 30/01/2020 11:28

no way was I letting him sleep once the kids got up!
So he isn’t gone till 10.30pm but you wouldn’t let him sleep on principal. That’s quite controlling op.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 30/01/2020 11:29

@MyDcAreMarvel he'd agreed to get up with the kids then woke her because he wanted to go back to bed. If he wanted to sleep he should've never offered to get up in the first place.

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2020 11:45

This isnt a who stays off with ill kids because I am sure that the OP would if they are ill.

This is a man who couldnt be bothered to parent his children and get them ready

NomDeDieu · 30/01/2020 11:51

@MyDcAreMarvel, funny that when i was working long days/late (not back home until 9.00~9.30pm), I was still up with the dcs to take them to school. Every single day.

10.30pm isnt that late, no later than when most people go to bed normally. The DH agreed to give his dw a lie and then did his best to get out of it (I assume that if the dcs had been staying at home, he would have expected the OP to look after them or they woud have been noisy etc...)
Expecting him to get up with the dcs and look after them was NOT controlling. Thats what you call being a parent.

@ASatisfyingThump, I would tell your dh that if any child is staying at home rather han being at work, then he has to look after ON HIS OWN whilstyou do your own things (which will be having time for yourself, running an errant etc...) until he goes to work.
I think it will be hard to tell him to take a day off BUT Im pretty sure that just looking after two dcs all moring will be enough of a deterrant (which is a shame btw. looking after your own dcs shouldnt be such a chore that you will do anything to avoid it iyswim)

Drabarni · 30/01/2020 12:10

That's the life of sahm, no lie ins Grin
Yes, he should have taken them to school, and not argued, sounds like he needs to spend more time parenting so he knows what to do in future.
I was a sahm too, it's tough at times. Thanks, but he should be doing his share as a father, irrespective of who works and who doesn't.
Mine was as involved as me, we shared 50/50 to make sure the kids had an equal time with both of us.

Graphista · 30/01/2020 14:22

You need to nip this him making you be the bad guy in the bud ASAP, totally out of order for him to do that.

It's not about op being a sahm who is perfectly happy to care for genuinely ill children.

It's about a lazy father who'd rather keep a child unnecessarily off school because he can't be arsed to do the school run - which the child themselves has got wise to and is milking!

Does your dh know how strict schools are on absence now? If he carries on like this he'll end up creating school refusing children that you'll have to deal with inc dealing with the authorities.

He needs to grow up, get a grip and stop Disney dadding!

GOOD parents that children feel most secure with are the ones that say no, that care enough about a child to make them do things that are for their own good but they don't necessarily want to do at the time - like going to school, brushing their teeth, going to bed etc

Graphista · 30/01/2020 14:25

And he should be working with you to make sure that sometimes YOU get to play Disney mum and do fun/"naughty" stuff at times

saraclara · 30/01/2020 15:07

Jeeeze. Poor guy. Basically mumsnet posters can read his mind and KNOW that he was trying not to have to get the kids ready.
Of course if he'd not disturbed OP to run the problem by her, and made his own decision he'd have been in trouble too.

Or if he'd taken them both, the school had later phoned to say the DC was ill, and he admitted to sending him in despite having stomach ache, the OP would have stayed a whole different thread.

  1. Morning decisions are hard.
  2. We and the OP have the benefit of hindsight that he didn't have
3. Men can't do anything right here.
saraclara · 30/01/2020 15:07

Stayed= started

AmelieTaylor · 30/01/2020 15:13

@GiveHerHellFromUs

Do you actually know any children?

It certainly doesn’t sound like it. If every child who ‘has a sore tummy’ stayed home, we could close half the schools

IdblowJonSnow · 30/01/2020 15:13

Yanbu and I thought that from the start of the thread!
He's a CF alright!

BlackCatSleeping · 30/01/2020 15:14

He woke the OP up and asked her what she thought. She thought they’d be fine to go in, but he decided not to send them in despite knowing the OP is knackered and that he wouldn’t be home to help take care of them. I don’t see how any of that is “Poor men can’t do right from wrong”.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/01/2020 15:16

Well I think it's a judgement call on whether they're genuinely sick or not. You know your kids. I certainly wouldn't send a kid in who was in danger of puking but I equally wouldn't keep them home if I knew they were trying it on and would be bouncing off the walls by 9am.

sosaidzarathustra · 30/01/2020 15:17

I think as a sahp and with kids out at school preschool part of the day, it's your job to get them ready and your job to look after them when they're off sick

Willow2017 · 30/01/2020 15:32

So he isn’t gone till 10.30pm but you wouldn’t let him sleep on principal. That’s quite controlling op

What nonsense! its 10.30 not 3am! How the hell do the rest of us cope? Has he special " I need a long lie every morning after a late shift" genes because he is a man?

He promised op a lie in and to take the kids to school but he opted out of that on a flimsy excuse then went back to bed leaving op to do all the getting kids up stuff.
His ds is playing on his wishy washy attitude to parenting. He will end up with a kid who knows he just has to act up and he wont have to go to school unless op steps in to be the bad guy. and no doubt deal with the complaints from school due to absence records
Thats not on. He is their dad and should share the parenting properly.

I think as a sahp and with kids out at school preschool part of the day, it's your job to get them ready and your job to look after them when they're off sick
Their dad is there in the morning too why isnt it his job to do his share? Why is ok for him to tell a perfectly well child they can stay off school just so he can get out of doing anything then fuck off to work and expect op to deal with it? Neither kid was unwell at all.