To think if DH wants to keep the kids off school he should take care of them?

[ASatisfyingThump]

They've gone to school now, so it's more of a theoretical question, but I'm still really annoyed at DH.

For context, DS2 hasn't been at pre-school this week because he hasn't been sleeping at night. He does this just before any sort of development, and we have been potty training, so I'm not too worried, but I'm also worn out because of lack of sleep and having a tired, cranky 3yo at home all week.

DH promised to sort the kids out this morning so I could catch up on some sleep. At 7.45 he wakes me up to get my opinion - DS2 is still asleep and DS1 is complaining of a tummy ache but no temp or D&V. I told him the DS1 should go to school (if he is actually sick or becomes sick they'll send him home) and since DS2 slept through last night he should go to pre-school. DH spent 20 minutes arguing with me until I said fine, keep them off then. 10 minutes later DS1 is out of bed and absolutely fine and DS2 is wide awake. So now we've had a huge rush to get ready and out of the house, I haven't had the lie in I was supposed to get, and I'm annoyed at DH for ignoring me when I said they should go in. If he'd gotten his way I would have had two completely well kids to look after all day instead of doing what I had planned to do. So AIBU to think that if DH is going to be such a soft touch about the kids staying off school, then he can take the day off work to look after them?

(I will point out I have no issue with the kids staying home if they're genuinely sick/exhausted, but DH really is a soft touch and DS1 knows it. I'm just sick to death of him trying to overrule me when I'm the one that deals with the kids all day every day.)

I would more than happily care for an unwell child. But if I didn't think they were ill enough to stay home, I wouldn't appreciate my husband overriding my decision and then swanning off out, leaving me with the childcare.

I wouldn't appreciate my husband overriding my decision and then swanning off out, leaving me with the childcare.

Swanning off out to work. To pay your bills. Because you don't work.

Amazing.

OP lots of people projecting their own issues at you poor thing!

Whether SAHP or not, if they agreed she was having a lie in and he was responsible for the kids then he should’ve got them ready for school. If they were ill when it came time to leave it’s easy enough to take their temperature and tell them to put their pjs back on and get into bed. Nothing reveals how ill a kid is like how they take their breakfast. It’s does sound like her DP dropped the ball.

She’s obviously annoyed because she has a busy day too. SAHP time is just as valuable as paid parent time. They keep things ticking over. Maybe she has medical appointments she can’t miss and therefore can’t look after the kids. If that’s the case that her DP should defo look after them if he’s made the call that they should stay at home. Sounds like he didn’t want to make the call meaning he was adding to her mental load as well as her work load.

OP feel annoyed but then sit down and let him know that you are coparents and when he is responsible you trust him to be responsible, but if he makes the call they are sick on a day he knows you are busy and have a preagreed schedule, then he is volunteering to look after them for the whole day. Let him know you trust him to make that decision independently of you. He would’ve sent them to school quick as you like 😉 hope your day goes smoothly from here

So you're a SAHM? And you expect your DH to take a day off so you can all sit at home?

Your husband is selfish and trying to get out of organising the children this morning.

He's trying to be kind to his child, he might be a soft touch but there's no evidence that he did it for himself.
As a sahm with eldest at school, youngest at preschool, op presumably gets a fair bit of time to herself already, and a tired and cranky 3 year old can have a nap or watch some TV during the day for downtime.
I'd also be annoyed about losing a lie in in this situation, but really don't see why someone should have to use a precious day of leave when there's another parent at home and able to care for them.

Ugh it’s not about being happy to care for your sick child or not. So many bleeding martyrs acting like this isn’t normal behaviour. The point is they had preagreed that she would do one thing and him another and he didn’t respect that. The working parent can prioritise the family over the job from time to time. It doesn’t mean the end of the world and warrant the hysteria a lot of you are throwing at her.

If the school has phoned the OP and said child is genuinely ill and can she collect, then the DH was right. But OP hasn't said that's happened, so presumably she was right to send him to school.
I don't think anyone disagrees that a sahp should look after an ill child. But I can see why she wouldn't want to look after a healthy one who could be at school, when she is seriously sleep deprived and might have a stack of things to catch up on if she's had one at home all week.

I do work - I'm a sahp. It's not employment, but it is work.

My husband has always left of work at 5.30/6am so I have never had this lie in while he does the morning. This means I make all of the judgments on school days and if I really am shattered I can always grab a cheeky nap after the school run before I get to work (I work from home). Perhaps you should take back control of the mornings and let him get himself sorted. Then everyone can relax.

I'd send mine to school with a tummy ache as she gets one through not drinking enough water, when she wants to get out of something, and also is often the onset of a virus like a cold. If there was no temperature and she was eating ok then I would likely be keeping her off for nothing

@Aderyn19 but why would you take the schools opinion as gospel if you don't believe your husband's?

Why would you want to send your child to school with a tummy ache?
Maybe the child was just hungry but, to be fair, if he doesn't normally deal with the kids in the morning he might not have even though of that hence speaking to OP. And if she didn't offer any helpful suggestion he still wouldn't have considered it.

I'm sure the child would've been happy to sit on the sofa with his blanket. If he's of school age he would've probably been easy to relax with.

She can catch up next week. Perks of being a SAHM - things can be put off by a couple of days.

I don't think anyone disagrees that a sahp should look after an ill child.

OP disagrees.

If it was pre-agreed that he stays home because she has a doctor's appoitment - sure. Or if the SAHM whose job it is to take care of the children is so ill that she's unable to. For him to stay home because SAHM wants to nap in the morning is not reasonable.

@GiveHerHellFromUs you’re being deliberately combative. That’s not what she’s saying at all. Her needs and health matter as much as his or the children’s. You can’t pour from an empty cup. He is a capable adult who has been a parent as long as she has. Stop being such a drama llama 😂

I think she disagrees with looking after a child who she considers well enough to be at school.
It's not about trusting school more than DH - if they are really unwell they will feel ill at school and school will contact you. If it's a passing thing or they are trying it on, school distracts them because they are busy and with friends.
Obviously no one should send a child that they genuinely believe to be ill.
If I kept mine off everything they told me they felt ill, they would have a day off every week. Usually unwell translates as tired or don't fancy doing PE and they perk up once they are there. Occasionally I've been wrong and walked DC to school and then walked them straight home again because it's become clear on the journey that they are genuinely poorly.

I dont think the OP has a problem with looking after sick children. Obviously it will be the SAHP who will be looking after sick children. Theres no dispute there.

The issue is shes had next to no sleep for a week, doing all the night work herself. Regardless of who is employed and who is at home, both are working and both need sleep. Her partner was supposed to be enabling her to catch up on the sleep she lost, that he didnt, by getting the kids ready and out. He made an error of judgement regarding the kids going to school, wasted precious sleep time arguing with her, and then left her to deal with rushing about to get them sorted while still being sleep deprived.

I dont think she meant that if her partner says her kids are sick, and they genuinely are, he should stay home. She meant that if he being overly lenient, is keeping them off so his hour of childcare in the morning is made easier and shes left to pick up the slack, that he should be the one to deal with the consequence, not her. Particularly as she told him they were fine to go in and he argued otherwise when it had no effect on him whatsoever.

I feel for both of you, OP, really, both you and your DH.
It's just a shit time, really. Look, we all adore our kids, but to me, birth to 4 is just such a slog, a beautiful slog, but a slog nonetheless.

Your issue isn't lie ins vs. no lie ins, is he doing enough/too little, etc. etc. etc.
Your issue is that you're both in the trenches with young, tired children going through developmental milestones by the nanosecond (this is wonderful and exhausting) and children aren't always able to accommodate this schedule we live by.
All that being said (and here's where I contradict what I just wrote), I think you and your DH would really both benefit by getting your kids in line with a schedule, lack of sleep or not. I think, in order for you to both function, you need to just send 'em in. I think your DH is a softy, that's all. I was the same, especially with DC1. DH and I had a lot of disagreements over similar stuff. What I learned over the years is that, unless they really are unwell, send them in. Your very tired pre-schooler is probably too rested at home and this is feeding the beast and exacerbating those nightly sleep issues.
Get on a schedule. I can't emphasize this enough. Your DH must be on board with this. It sounds like you're both too exhausted to deal with the morning routine and that the kids have the upper hand here (sorry to sound a bit harsh, but there is a bit of the tail wagging the dog going on. Your kids are milking it! ).
Glad your kids are in school. You'll find both kids will sleep better tonight.

@littlejalapeno I'm not at all. It's just bizarre how many people automatically say he should take the day off.

As I said earlier, if you have a tummy ache you won't necessarily have a temperature.

She can nap in the day with the child if needs be.

Insisting he takes the day off wouldn't make any sense.

I'm not being a drama llama to defend the man.

I can see where the OP is coming from. I’m a SAHP and have ended up saying to DH a couple of times that he can stay home if he lets one of the kids stay home

My DH’s work schedule is such that he only does the school run once a fortnight. That’s my only lie in in the week (by lie in I mean he does the 5.15am start with our disabled child - I’ll have done the three night wakings) and it was no coincidence that my 10yo always had a sore tummy or a sore head on that day because DH absolutely is a soft touch and will let the kids stay home at the slightest grumble.

That day I get a lie in 11am as DH leaves for the school run MIL minds DD for 2 hours and it’s my biggest chunk of respite from caring for DD in the week. It’s essential and after having it taken away several times for no reason - DS wasn’t warm or clammy, he didn’t look pale, he wasn’t being sick or even off his food, he just knew his Dad was a soft touch - I told him that if he decided that a completely symptom free child was staying home he could disrupt his day to stay with them. Funnily enough he got better at checking if they really needed the day off after that...

Inreally dont understand the attitude here - just because you are a sahp doesn't mean that you don't have other things to do.

Yes of course keep a genuinely sick child off and you just have to manage; but a child with nothing wrong when the decision was the other parent's??

Regardless of whether you are a sahp or not, if he's letting them miss school/ nursery without a genuine illness just because he's a softy and falls for it everytime they complain about minor ailments, then absolutely he should be prepared to look after and entertain them all day.

He, obviously, will not think like this and will just assume you will take care of it.
Unless it's a fever or d&v, you have to insist on them going in.

If my toddler was keeping me and themselves up at night I wouldn't be keeping them home all day. I would be sending them in 1) to get them back into the routine of being active during the day and 2) so I could catch up.

I also agree with pp that if you are primarily responsible for the DC going to school it is better not to give them the option of the other "soft touch" parent to negotiate with first thing.

Are you a sahm? In which case I wouldn't expect your DH to take the day off work unless you had an unmissable appointment.

Absolutely, but in that case he no more has a say on how you do your job (the kids, and whether they should be at home or at school) than you do on which of those reports at work he should really get finished by today.

He can't have it both ways.

Sorry all, went back to bed for a bit. To clarify, yes I'm a SAHM, and I did say in my OP that I have no problem with genuinely sick or knackered kids staying home. DS2 only goes to pre-school for a couple of hours in the morning, during which I usually try to get housework done - stuff that in involves chemicals or is hard to do with a kid running around. I get a bit of down time too, but it's the only break I get before bedtime.

I do have to clarify a few things. DH works rotating shifts, some weeks he's out well before me and the kids are, others he's here all morning. This week he's on a late shift, he only left for work about 15 minutes ago. Like a PP, it is more likely DS1 will "not feel well" when DH is on a late. This is why I asked if he had a temp or D&V - DH said no to both.

DS2 hasn't just had disturbed nights, he's literally only had about 6 hours a night, and not in one chunk either. He's been exhausted and tearful and moody. If nothing else I don't want to inflict that on the pre-school staff! He's fine today. He also doesn't nap (someone brought up napping when he does).

DS1 is fine. I checked him over before he got ready for school, funnily enough the tummy ache disappeared once I was out of bed. No phone call from the school.

DH does have form for both letting DS1 stay off for minor complaints and for not considering the impact on me when he does. He also doesn't like having to get up when we do when he's on a late shift, as soon as I agreed with him he went back to bed. I do agree with some of you that he was happy for an excuse to get out of the school run. I do usually do it myself and leave him in bed.

@FizzyGreenWater don't be absurd. They're both parents and should make decisions together (acknowledging completely that he argued with her opinion and she argued with his) - that's completely different to him going to his place of employment.

If you want to play it that way, surely a decision he made pre-work still stands anyway?

If he's not allowed to make parenting decisions because he works, surely he has no responsibility to do any parenting? You can't have it both ways either.