Can you learn to like a place you hate?

[AngstyAnnie]

I hate where I live. Really hate it. On the surface things look lovely (which is why I agreed to move here) but five years on and I still can't get used to the place.

It's DHs home "town". The house is built on his family land and will never be sold so selling up is not an option. It's a lovely house with beautiful views. He built it before we met and most importantly it's mortgage free. I know I should be counting my lucky stars as I know most people would kill to be in this position and yet...

It's rural, which seems idyllic but is actually just inconvenient. I'm really limited - workwise, socially etc. and live quite an isolated life. The nearest town is only a 15 minute drive but it's horrible - really horrible: More shops boarded up than open, plagued with social problems and no investment or industry so high rates of unemployment - this is where my DC will be going to school (they're preschoolers).

I'm desperate to move but DH won't even entertain the idea. I work part time in an admin role because there are no opportunities locally for my qualifications. I could commute to the nearest city but that would mean barely seeing my DC during the week and as their dad doesn't see them from Monday to Friday (due to his commute) I don't think that's fair on them. I've said if we move I will work full time and we could get a mortgage on a small house. We could afford it but would have to tighten our belts/cut back on luxuries, which I'd be willing to do as I think our overall quality of life would still be better than it is now but he thinks this is madness... He's possibly right?

In an ideal world I'd love to move to my home town, where we would have more family support (three hours from here). There are great schools, work opportunities and my DC could have a wonderful childhood, as I feel they will be so limited if we stay. I've also suggested three other cities/large towns closer to here but he wont entertain any suggestion of a move whatsoever.

I've tried to adapt - I truly have! I got involved in the local community and have met some nice people but most are a lot older than me. I've tried to make the best of things and to try to see the positives but besides the house I'm struggling to see any positives.

Sorry for the long rant but I guess my AIBU is - AIBU to want to move from a mortgage free house to get into debt? And if so - does anyone have any suggestions on how to learn to like it here? I'll try anything at this stage!

Gosh that was far too long - apologies!

I utterly, utterly despised the last city I lived in. Really despised it. It's somewhere people are always raving about, but it has a village mentality disguised as city streets. I stuck it out for years because of work, but I eventually had a breakdown (not only because of the city) and walked out of work and away from the region. My mental health has improved beyond all expectations, apart from anything else.

I do think, if you haven't grown up somewhere very rural (not the "villages" spoken of on MN, with their shops, cafes and several thousand people ) it must be extremely hard to adjust. You're in a different situation to me, in that you not only own, but mortgage free, so I appreciate it's harder. But if DH has a long commute to work, would he be open to moving closer to work, so you could also get suitable work, and either renting out your house "for the moment" or renting/getting a mortgage on somewhere in/near the city and using your home as a weekend/holiday home?

(I realise that sounds a bit poncey, but if you are both working in your professions, given that it's mortgage free, it should be doable)

I feel for you - it's rubbish loathing where you are stuck

Oh I hear you. I'm in a very similar position, living in DHs old family home, rural, socially isolated, no job (I've been looking and applying) people much older than me. It's beautiful and idyllic but so dull. Do you watch the good place? It's like the most recent episode (I think) available - Patti. Everyone's brain going to mush because life is too idyllic.
I don't think yanbu. You only get one life and you've given everything up for DHs dream. It's too much for one person to give up. I would be seriously considering leaving him, which is what I'm thinking of doing in my situation. We have only been here 18 months so atm I'm biding my time but I'm not going to wait forever and nor should you. Presumably he was happy before? A happy family life doesn't happen when one of u is not settled into the place, and you have tried for a long enough time. I hope more people will be along with advice as I could use it for myself!

I did this. Moved to a town that I hated for my husband’s work. Always thought I was the adaptable, sociable sort. After 6 years having made no friends and spending my weekends wandering around the house as there was literally zero community activities available we moved. I am immensely happier. I felt crushed everyday we lived in that soulless wasteland And it would destroy me if I ever moved back. I get it OP. You can’t thrive in an environment where you don’t Belong

Yes, I hear you too.
I really don’t like where I live .. town is mainly full of tat shops, betting and bingo outlets, charity shops, mobile phone /jewellers. Quite a few shops where you can buy much for a pound.
We live here only due to a company relocation and it’s proximity to motorways in order to visit aging parents.
Can’t wait to leave.

The grass is always greener.....is it really that bad where you are?

Thank you for your comments - I've typed this post out numerous times over the past year but kept deleting as I was afraid of being torn apart for being selfish and unreasonable.

I've suggested exactly that Hefzi (moving to the nearest city and renting the house out temporarily just for a trial run) but he shot it down and thinks what's the point of the added expense when we're close enough to commute. You're right that its hard to adjust to rural life unless you've come from it. I didn't fully realise the implications beforehand and it's why my DH doesn't see my reasons for moving as valid. He grew up here and he loves it, which is why I've stuck it out this long but Londonlassy summed it up for me:

You can’t thrive in an environment where you don’t Belong. This really struck a chord... I really feel I don't belong here

Sorry you're in the same boat turfsausage I actually have considered leaving in my darkest moments. The fact he won't even CONSIDER a move is so incredibly frustrating... I hope you get some answers too!

I could commute to the nearest city but that would mean barely seeing my DC during the week and as their dad doesn't see them from Monday to Friday (due to his commute)

Does he live away during the week?
If not, it sounds like he at least gets out of this dull little place Monday-Friday.
Of course he loves it, it's his weekend retreat but I wonder how he'd feel if he was stuck there 24/7.
Put this to him.

Also, do YOU see much of him Mon-Fri?
If not, you'd be better off buying a small place in the town of your choice for schools etc. and meeting up /living at dullsville at the weekend!

Your dh sounds awful - I’m sorry. You’re desperately unhappy and he “won’t even entertain the idea”? Who is he, god?

It does sound awful, I live in a lovely suburb about 30 mins drive from a major city, loads to do nearby, transport links etc. but even I get bored sometimes. I couldn’t live rurally.

Choosing where you live should be a joint decision and not determined by where his ancestral home is!

If you have gone full throttle with letting him know how unhappy you are/worries regarding your dc’s etc and he still won’t even think about it, I think I would be taking the kids and moving back to my home town alone.

That's miserable, OP - it sounds like it could be affordable under your circumstances, and a compromise.

Have you tried being as blunt as "now it's my turn to work in the city, and yours to pick up what you can find work-wise locally" /"this is making me seriously consider leaving this marriage"? He may not truly understand how miserable it's making you - sure, he gets that you are fed up, but he's not realised that it's more than that. I would have more sympathy for him if he was working the family farm, but as he gets to escape to the a fulfilling job, and he loves living there, the onus really is on him to compromise.

I love where I grew up - nearest corner store five miles away - and I would go back if I could afford it (never will be able to) but I think it would be very hard if it wasn't what I was used to. My BF grew up in suburbia, and gets scared staying at my parents house over night - she hates how dark it is, how quiet it is, and that there's no neighbours in sight, as it really freaks her out. So-she doesn't stay over if she visits them (or me when I'm there). Compromises can be found, and I really can see both sides with your case. Neither of you are unreasonable, but you have incompatible (at the moment) desires around your home. I think your husband needs to be the one compromising, as you have clearly given it a really, really good go. Now it's his turn.

Oh, I feel for you. I just don't think I could live somewhere rural. The tbought leaves me cold. He can't just completely ignore your happiness with no compromise. Maybe the house can't be sold... (How does that work? Does this mean your DC can only inherit the house together?) But that doesn't stop you from renting it out. I hope you can come to some agreement.

I would absolutely hate this. Just reading your post gives me aniexy, however I am a city girl.

I think your husband needs to compromise.

I moved back to my home town three years ago due to redundancy (both me & DH). I really, really didn’t want to. I had spent the five years before living in the Home Counties and loved it. The convenience, the not having to drive (I always made sure I was near a station with fast links to London), the easier availability of work, shops, things to do...everything!

I still don’t love it. I don’t think I ever will. I wish we had had more time to look at other different places and get to know them but we didn’t. I would rather we had moved to DHs old place, or rather the city nearest to it (our original home towns are about 200 miles apart). He wanted somewhere we could buy outright, as he wouldn’t be accepted for a mortgage at his age and neither of us had jobs at the time (took me 18 months to find a job, DH took his pension after the redundancy).

I try and focus on the positive; I’ve got a job that I like and work with great people, I started a hobby and I’m getting more involved with that, we have a puppy. However, it’s like a physical pain when I think back to how nice some of the places I lived in were; independent shops/tea rooms, just felt nicer. How I didn’t have to drive absolutely bloody everywhere (and I’m by no means rural now). I hate the fact that I’ll probably never be able to afford to go back there. But like I said, I focus on the positive.

Are your DC his?

Not in my case, moved from to DH's home town in Sweden - I hate it more and more each day. I feel for you OP.

othervoicesotherrooms no he drives to and from work every day. He leaves before me and the DC are awake and the earliest he gets home is 7:30 but it's often later (he's not home yet tonight for example). This is another source of frustration as I've tried to enrol in evening classes/book club/Pilates etc when the DC are in bed to meet people and to feel like I have a bit of a life but he's never home on time for me to go or he might be one week but not the next week. So I'm stuck just me and the dog. His family aren't in a position to babysit so I put an ad up looking for a local babysitter and got zero replies!

I actually did put it to him already, that since we barely see him as it is, what if me and the DC move to my home town and he could come up on weekends, I'd have family and friends around and my mum who adores my DC would babysit every once and a while but he thinks that's not sustainable way to live as a family and again shot me down.

Are your DC his? yes they are

It sounds like you'd be better off away from him, it's no life at all for you where you are . What is his solution to this, that you stay miserable to facilitate his life? Can you try counselling? It might make him see how unreasonable he's being.

yes i hear you op. we moved here last october.

the for sale sign is going up in the next day or 2!

we`re goin home!!!

but he thinks that's not sustainable way to live as a family and again shot me down.

Ok, time you shoot him
down.
Tell him that you're unhappy. That being in your own all day 5 days a week is not a 'sustainable way to live as a family' and that you are looking to compromise but would like to make changes.
His word is NOT final.

Make plans to leave with or without him and give him a timeframe. Why should you be miserable to make him happy?
I think that where you live impacts every part of your life. We recently did a big relocation out of London (but to another city) and it is fantastic. I feel like I'm living the life I want to live. You deserve that as well.

Your dh sounds awful - I’m sorry. You’re desperately unhappy and he “won’t even entertain the idea”? Who is he, god?

Indeed. How horribly selfish.

Oh this sounds so hard. I loathed living in a city. It wasn’t even a nice city. And we moved back to my rural roots at the expense of DH’s career. Now he is unhappy here. And his career prospects have vanished.
I can’t express though how much I loathed living in that place. I just could do it. I would have come home with or without him.

It’s so hard when there is no compromise.