Can you learn to like a place you hate?

[AngstyAnnie]

I hate where I live. Really hate it. On the surface things look lovely (which is why I agreed to move here) but five years on and I still can't get used to the place.

It's DHs home "town". The house is built on his family land and will never be sold so selling up is not an option. It's a lovely house with beautiful views. He built it before we met and most importantly it's mortgage free. I know I should be counting my lucky stars as I know most people would kill to be in this position and yet...

It's rural, which seems idyllic but is actually just inconvenient. I'm really limited - workwise, socially etc. and live quite an isolated life. The nearest town is only a 15 minute drive but it's horrible - really horrible: More shops boarded up than open, plagued with social problems and no investment or industry so high rates of unemployment - this is where my DC will be going to school (they're preschoolers).

I'm desperate to move but DH won't even entertain the idea. I work part time in an admin role because there are no opportunities locally for my qualifications. I could commute to the nearest city but that would mean barely seeing my DC during the week and as their dad doesn't see them from Monday to Friday (due to his commute) I don't think that's fair on them. I've said if we move I will work full time and we could get a mortgage on a small house. We could afford it but would have to tighten our belts/cut back on luxuries, which I'd be willing to do as I think our overall quality of life would still be better than it is now but he thinks this is madness... He's possibly right?

In an ideal world I'd love to move to my home town, where we would have more family support (three hours from here). There are great schools, work opportunities and my DC could have a wonderful childhood, as I feel they will be so limited if we stay. I've also suggested three other cities/large towns closer to here but he wont entertain any suggestion of a move whatsoever.

I've tried to adapt - I truly have! I got involved in the local community and have met some nice people but most are a lot older than me. I've tried to make the best of things and to try to see the positives but besides the house I'm struggling to see any positives.

Sorry for the long rant but I guess my AIBU is - AIBU to want to move from a mortgage free house to get into debt? And if so - does anyone have any suggestions on how to learn to like it here? I'll try anything at this stage!

Just get a job and start commuting.
and divvy everything up 50/50

Sounds absolutely awful OP. I’d be leaving with or without him. You’ve comprised enough, set a date. Stick to it. Life is far too short to live day in day out in misery for the sake of somebody else. Good luck

He is indeed living his dream life so you too should be living yours. All things considered moving nearer to your family sounds like the best option for you and the children by miles. It’s up to him how much a part of this he wants to be.

Couldn’t you rent out the house you live in and buy a house in another area.

If you split up it sounds like he doesn’t see the children Monday to Friday anyway. He would only miss out on every other weekend.

Can you imagine growing older and older in that house.

I really thought he'd go for that one - but he said no that it "wouldn't be temporary, you'd never come back here". So that was the end of my great idea

So he does listen to you saying you hate living where you do.

He has decided this is where he wants to live and you can just go along with it

I think a serious talk is on the cards.

You can’t force someone to live and restrict their life just because you have a dream

I was going to say atm your hating the place is just background noise but if he is acknowledging if you lived elsewhere temporarily you wouldn’t come back he knows exactly how much you hate it

What I don’t understand is for all he says it is his dream to live in the house he doesn’t spend much time there.

Even on weekends he is either at work or you all go out.

My heart sank lower and lower reading your OP.

Marriages as one-sided as this don’t tend to be especially happy, or last.

Yes of course there’s the issue of where you live - it’s a predicament than many trailing spouses overseas have to deal with (isolation, frozen out of the workplace, no social life, no personal life, largely absent partner etc).

But more fundamentally, there’s the issue of him bulldozing his wants into your family. He’s not putting his children first. He’s not treating you as his equal. And there’s even a suggestion that if he doesn’t get his way somehow you will be to blame for this.

I have a horrible feeling that you’re incredibly giving, caring, patient, and he sees that in you and takes full advantage and has done for so long that it’s expected of you now. The earning disparity is a stick to beat you with.

I’m afraid I wouldn’t settle for this life, in this house or in this marriage. You have one life and you’re wasting it, fading away somewhere that makes you miserable. You’re depriving your children of opportunity.

In your shoes I would take matters into my own hands after issuing an ultimatum. Ultimata are high stakes, but your situation merits one I think. You move to somewhere that works for all of you, or you take the kids and live a life that works for the three of you without him. He wants a happy family life, but he doesn’t have a happy family. A house is only a home when it’s treated that way by the people who live in it.

He is living his dream totally at your expense.

This is also what I thought. He is perfectly happy because his life is all going his way.

You need to work out what the bare minimum is that you need and insist it is included in your lives.
So maybe a babysitter twice a week in the evening so you can go out.
Or a nanny to do wrap around care so you too can commute to a decent job.
He knows how unhappy you are but he just doesn't care enough to make himself a little inconvenienced.

I know where you're coming from OP. I'm trapped in a place I hate. My son is 15 and likes it here. I feel I'm slowly dying, and it's impractical and impossible to do the things that make me glad to be alive here. I don't fit in and I don't want to. I can't leave yet, don't know when I'll be able to, but your children are young, sort it before you end up in my situation.
I've planned exactly where I'd love to be, and can see the view I'd see out of my floor to ceiling windows, whilst sitting on my blue velvet sofa, with a cat and a cup of tea. I think about this on boring weekends in this tiny place, and plan what I'd do if I was there. Don't be me OP

YANBU. He has made you his prisoner.

I’d start applying for full time jobs in your home town. Be honest that is what you’re doing. Don’t let him talk you round. When you land one you like sort out a rental in an area you like for you and the kids. He’s welcome to join you if he likes. If he doesn’t you can discuss a split.

You can’t force him to move but you can choose to put you and the kids ahead of him.

In five years, you'll either have left him, or you will be a miserable husk of yourself.

I know what I'm talking about. I live in a Marmite area. I love it, and will probably never leave, but I can absolutely see why some people hate it. I've seen quite a few women move here with their husbands, lured in by their lovely memories of being young men and boys in the area(when there were more local jobs, a better bus service, and parents would give you lifts) only to find that the way of life is not what they thought it would be.

Every single one of those marriages ended, and from what my friends told me, it was for the same issue yours will. The men, once they got what they wanted, just refused to listen to their partners, or compromise in any way.

In fact, a friend of mine--after years of trying to talk to her husband, present him with endless compromises (it was actually really upsetting to watch as an outsider- she started off rather like you, talking about cities, art galleries and rentals, and ended up begging him just to move to the next village over, which has the luxury of a direct train to and from the nearest city, once a day. Five miles away. Would he move? Would he fuck. He was always taking the better car too, and leaving her with the banger) Another woman I know was so isolated and had such terrible PND after having her children that she'd make a 40 mile round trip daily to go to her mum's.

In my first friend's case, she rented a house in another town, after telling her husband what her plans were and issuing an ultimatum, and even when she was packing up the car, he didn't believe she'd do it. He went round telling everyone that she'd up and left him with no prior warning, what a shock etc, when everyone could have told him his wife was going to leave - he'd been beside her at a party the year before, when she told us all that she was planning on going, and he could come or not!
Some of these men, it's like they have place blindness the way other people have face blindness. It's really odd. Like i say, I love it here, but if it made DH miserable then I'd put my marriage first. I made my vows to him, not the village.

Anyway, that's my long rambling way of saying you're on a hiding to nothing here, and as a last ditch attempt to get out while avoiding divorce, your move and see him at the weekend idea is probably your best bet

I moved to my partners area and became so unhappy and had loads of mental health problems, I didn't feel safe to walk to the shops and we were in the "nice" part. I stayed in the house with our new baby and got very fat and just more and more unhappy. The area has consistent stabbings and violence that I couldn't get over.
My partner likes his home town but he agreed to move because he hated seeing me so depressed. I was very lucky to only be there a year and now we have moved I am back to my old self and were both happier.

I think if you hate a place so much it won't ever get better. You need to think about your health and happiness too.

You being unhappy is not a sustainable way to live as a family. That’s far more important than mere bricks and mortar. Given you barely see him during the week anyway I’d look for a full time job where you want to live, and then move there with the kids - summer would be ideal as then they can start schools in September. He can visit as he likes, but you’ve given it your best shot - after 5 years he can’t say you haven’t tried.

YANBU. This sounds so miserable. Your husband is so selfish and I feel your pain and isolation.

YOU get one life and money is not everything. This is all about him right now and it's no way to live.

Do you want your children to grow up in that environment? It gets harder, not easier, as children grow up to make such changes, so please do something now.

YANBU.

Would counselling help him to understand what his intransigence means for you and your relationship?

Aw OP, like 7salmonswimming my heart sunk when I read your post. If you can, get out and back to civilisation as soon as possible. Try to negotiate so as not to destroy your marriage as you have to realise that this is where your husband 'belongs' so he would maybe feel like you do now should he have to live in a city.

However, learn from me please.

I'm 30 years living in my husbands country and I longed for home almost the second I got here. Years rolled on, I had all the same conversations with my husband that you've had with yours. Nope, he most certainly wasn't going anywhere and so I learned (very unhappily) to suck it up as my marriage and kids were everything and I thought I'd eventually get used to it. Have made friends, have hobbies and I work (in a completely different field what I worked in at home as there were no opportunities here) but loathe the small town shit hole that is my now home. Kids are now adults and call this place home so I'm sticking it out as they are scattered around the country but often come back and need a base. I'm so full of regrets that I didn't stand firm. Don't be me.

There is real risk The longer you leave it your children will develop connections to the community and your husband will use this as a checkmate forcing you to stay. OP you will need to make a decision and follow through

Oh my I could have wrote this myself.
Havent moved yet but will be very soon and I'm so scared!!!!.
Same as you, rural area. Mortgage free. Stunning views and he has built us this home new. I designed it.
But I'm from a town and I love the business and my family being so close by. We will be moving a hour away from my family and I have a 6 month old DD.
He has done absolutely everything to make this perfect and make it feel like my home. So no advise I'm just hoping I learn to love it. My daughter will have a better quality of life where he lives. And I have to put her first now.

In five years, you'll either have left him, or you will be a miserable husk of yourself. I fear you're right Lightlyfebreezed I'm going to my hometown for a visit this weekend, I'm going to start looking around at what's available job wise/rental market and have the info ready to show him so hopefully we/I can come up with a plan from there...

Your husband as far as I can see has made his choice.

Now you have to make yours

Can you rent out the house you are in? Is it a rentable area? Would the rent equate to what a new house would cost you in rent?

Sorry if its been asked but how long is his commute? Could u move nearer his work

His commute is around 1hour 45mins each way. He sometimes changes sites but the travel time is always around the same - give or take a half hour.

We could technically rent the house out but the rent here would be quite a bit less here than what we would pay in a larger city/town.

There is no compromise with someone so hard-faced and uncaring as to be ok with knowing their spouse feels like this.

As others have said, if he was running a farm or something it would be more understandable... but he's not even there. Not even on fucking Saturdays!!! He gets to live that wonderful active mentally invigorating life and have the actually fairly dull 'dream' to come home to... entirely, ENTIRELY at your expense and he simply doesn't care. I can't even see how him doing yet ANOTHER thing which suits him, ie taking your children off to spend time with his family on a Sunday, is so great. More time you don't spend as a family? So you can do what - update your boredom diary some more?

Look, you need to leave as there is literally no point in staying, you will divorce anyway if you stay and by the time you do, you will hate him so much for doing this to you that it will be worse, far worse than leaving now.

If your only option to be taken seriously as an equal partner is to be equally uncompromising, then that's what you're going to have to do. Then at least you have a fighting chance.

If one assumes you both deserve happiness and are equally important in the relationship, then leaving has to happen.

If you've already tried to discuss the whys and wherefores and got nowhere then don't bother - just tell him you're out, and go.

The way you keep the dream house is to rent it out regardless and either buy or rent where you want to be. Not cost effective? Well the alternative is divorce, which is fairly costly in all sorts of ways. The other thing is that if you move, you can work which will more than even it out. Either way, you won't be staying.

As said before, the audacity of him, to disregard everything you feel and be happy and content knowing his wife is so unhappy - do you know, if anything THAT is the biggest biggest red flag that shoudl have you packing your bags for somewhere where you can earn your own serious career money right now. This guy isn't on your team. Be so wary.

And, he's hardly bloody there. Just no words.

How many hours (that he is awake) does he spend in the house?

If it is his dream to live there then why doesn’t he?

We could technically rent the house out but the rent here would be quite a bit less here than what we would pay in a larger city/town

But wouldn’t you buy? You have no mortgage. The house you are in now would be a btl property.

You could even mortgage the property you are in now with a btl mortgage and rent it out and that would give you a nice deposit towards a new place

Totally get this. We moved to a large city in the North East (had third dc there) and I never felt at home. Never really settled. Felt like a ghost, actually. After 3 years I just sat him down and said I want to move, explained it all. He got it straight away and while he was really happy there (great job/had friends) he was happy to give it go. It was quite easy to do. He worked his months notice and we were renting so it was a pretty easy life to fold. We moved to an area of the country (over 200 miles away). Its bloody amazing to not waste your lifes energy wanting to be elsewhere. Its worth all this trouble, this uprooting, op. I can tell you that much. Since we moved we seem to have been dealt a kinder hand too. Like we have found where we should be. Its not where either of us grew up (no family within a 2 hour drive!) But its home. Make this effort to move! I think you need to be blunt with dh. He wants you to love it like he does but the fact is its his dream and not yours! There is surely a solution somewhere here? He has a long commute so actually the house isn't really working for him either.