Can you learn to like a place you hate?

[AngstyAnnie]

I hate where I live. Really hate it. On the surface things look lovely (which is why I agreed to move here) but five years on and I still can't get used to the place.

It's DHs home "town". The house is built on his family land and will never be sold so selling up is not an option. It's a lovely house with beautiful views. He built it before we met and most importantly it's mortgage free. I know I should be counting my lucky stars as I know most people would kill to be in this position and yet...

It's rural, which seems idyllic but is actually just inconvenient. I'm really limited - workwise, socially etc. and live quite an isolated life. The nearest town is only a 15 minute drive but it's horrible - really horrible: More shops boarded up than open, plagued with social problems and no investment or industry so high rates of unemployment - this is where my DC will be going to school (they're preschoolers).

I'm desperate to move but DH won't even entertain the idea. I work part time in an admin role because there are no opportunities locally for my qualifications. I could commute to the nearest city but that would mean barely seeing my DC during the week and as their dad doesn't see them from Monday to Friday (due to his commute) I don't think that's fair on them. I've said if we move I will work full time and we could get a mortgage on a small house. We could afford it but would have to tighten our belts/cut back on luxuries, which I'd be willing to do as I think our overall quality of life would still be better than it is now but he thinks this is madness... He's possibly right?

In an ideal world I'd love to move to my home town, where we would have more family support (three hours from here). There are great schools, work opportunities and my DC could have a wonderful childhood, as I feel they will be so limited if we stay. I've also suggested three other cities/large towns closer to here but he wont entertain any suggestion of a move whatsoever.

I've tried to adapt - I truly have! I got involved in the local community and have met some nice people but most are a lot older than me. I've tried to make the best of things and to try to see the positives but besides the house I'm struggling to see any positives.

Sorry for the long rant but I guess my AIBU is - AIBU to want to move from a mortgage free house to get into debt? And if so - does anyone have any suggestions on how to learn to like it here? I'll try anything at this stage!

The thing I can't get over OP is that your husband is never there. He works 6 days a week, long hours and then goes to his parents' on Sundays. It basically doesn't make a blind bit of difference to him where you live - he never sees it in daylight hours anyway!

He's depriving you of a social and cultural life, of a career, your children of better educational opportunities, of easy access to family... And is it quite happy with that thank you.

I'm sure he's quite happy in his rural retreat (for a couple of hours on a Sunday) after commuting into the hustle and bustle of the city all week. While you are climbing the walls.

The selfishness is dumbfounding. Honestly, it's bad. I don't believe that he's rushing to get home as early as possible every night either. I bet he'll stay on a bit longer to get something finished up, or stop for a quick half with colleagues if he fancies it. Not usually unreasonable, but in this case, every little allowance he gives himself is taken directly from you.

And it's not up for discussion.

He's stealing from you, he really is.

His claim it is 'madness' to leave a mortgage free situation is a diversion from the issue

You could put it to him that you could be mortgage free in a tent in Iraq or a caravan parked in a lay bye
If just being mortgage free in his eyes he would be ok with that

Why own a house if he doesn’t live there.

Can we have an update OP?

Really @LimpidPools has covered it all. It's absolute and complete selfishness on his part

one of the main reasons I haven't taken any decisive action on this is that deep down I feared I was being very unreasonable/ungrateful.

Of course you're not, you hate where you live, you're trapped there to accommodate your DH not being there very often so you have no freedom and he has as much as he wants........he's happy with the arrangement because it has no negative impact on him and he clearly doesn't give a shit if you are happy or not.

Moved to a town that I hated for my husband’s work. Always thought I was the adaptable, sociable sort.

We did that - DH did compromise with location nearer his work would have been villages with poor transport. We really tried - time ticked by expecting it to get better then kids started school then selling house deleayed leaving.

Looking back pretty much everyone minimised how unhappy I was.

We were ther 7/8 years never got any better and it was a huge relief to move to another city - it really surpised me how much happier I was almost immediately and how quickly here felt like home.

I'd keep pushing and making plans TBH - it doesn't get better IME.

I hated living in the Lake District; constant rain, clouds, weeks on end of rain. It was a rural house, freezing cold, a 20 min drive to a town that was full of older people and dog walkers and little boutiques of expensive clothes.

Everyone I met was into hiking, running, cycling, mountaineering etc and I wasn’t. I didn’t fit in. I felt the town was backward in so many ways, no job opportunities, nothing for kids except endless rainy walks and muddy lanes.

In summer the traffic was diabolical, queues of coaches and cars and shuttle buses taking tourists around the sights, so you couldn’t get anywhere!

I was so glad to get out of there. It was grey and felt dead. I imagined growing old there and my kids going to the gloomy grey school and that was it!

I left my XH (who refused to leave his beloved mountains and family home) and moved East, then met my now DH and we moved South, to a bustling commuter town with lots of transport links and young families. And the seaside 20 mins drive away! I love where we live, there are great schools, we both work and have lots of options for career progression. And it doesn’t rain much!!

You keep mentioning that this is your husband's dream - to live in this house.

But he's never there and also, what is it that he likes so much? Because like the others, I am feeling quite ill just reading about your life and cannot understand what it is that he is enjoying?

I really hope your weekend gets you some useful information and that this thread helps you escape.