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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can you learn to like a place you hate?

108 replies

AngstyAnnie · 29/01/2020 21:03

I hate where I live. Really hate it. On the surface things look lovely (which is why I agreed to move here) but five years on and I still can't get used to the place.

It's DHs home "town". The house is built on his family land and will never be sold so selling up is not an option. It's a lovely house with beautiful views. He built it before we met and most importantly it's mortgage free. I know I should be counting my lucky stars as I know most people would kill to be in this position and yet...

It's rural, which seems idyllic but is actually just inconvenient. I'm really limited - workwise, socially etc. and live quite an isolated life. The nearest town is only a 15 minute drive but it's horrible - really horrible: More shops boarded up than open, plagued with social problems and no investment or industry so high rates of unemployment - this is where my DC will be going to school (they're preschoolers).

I'm desperate to move but DH won't even entertain the idea. I work part time in an admin role because there are no opportunities locally for my qualifications. I could commute to the nearest city but that would mean barely seeing my DC during the week and as their dad doesn't see them from Monday to Friday (due to his commute) I don't think that's fair on them. I've said if we move I will work full time and we could get a mortgage on a small house. We could afford it but would have to tighten our belts/cut back on luxuries, which I'd be willing to do as I think our overall quality of life would still be better than it is now but he thinks this is madness... He's possibly right?

In an ideal world I'd love to move to my home town, where we would have more family support (three hours from here). There are great schools, work opportunities and my DC could have a wonderful childhood, as I feel they will be so limited if we stay. I've also suggested three other cities/large towns closer to here but he wont entertain any suggestion of a move whatsoever.

I've tried to adapt - I truly have! I got involved in the local community and have met some nice people but most are a lot older than me. I've tried to make the best of things and to try to see the positives but besides the house I'm struggling to see any positives.

Sorry for the long rant but I guess my AIBU is - AIBU to want to move from a mortgage free house to get into debt? And if so - does anyone have any suggestions on how to learn to like it here? I'll try anything at this stage!

OP posts:

Didiusfalco · 29/01/2020 22:10

He’s not hearing you is he? Time to really lay it in the line and be clear that you are moving somewhere else. You can discuss where but not whether it’s happening.

WhoAmIToTellYou · 29/01/2020 22:11

No good schools in a bleak town is your focus here and maybe a card to use with DH.
Also, do you realise that you both will be ferrying kids around everywhere, they won’t be able to e.g. just pop out with their bikes to their friends a few streets away. 2 kids=two different sets of friends and activities, more ferrying around or them missing out. Will dh be able to do any of it? Will you be able to do that around your work hours?
Your kids might end up resenting it too- put that forward for your dh to consider.
What about your career/ will you be able to progress with all the commitments re kids?

Elizabethtailor · 29/01/2020 22:12

Does he know just how unhappy you are?

DICarter1 · 29/01/2020 22:16

He sounds selfish. Marriage does mean you have to make compromises but not sacrifices to the extent that one person is massively unhappy. He gets the best of both worlds whilst you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere. I would give him options such as moving nearer to his work alternatively I think I’d move home.

We live in a naice market town where we both grew up. It’s popular with ex Londoners and we moved here as we have a disabled child and my parents offered us support but it wouldn’t be my first choice of places to live.

notanotherjigsawpiece · 29/01/2020 22:17

Oh OP, I feel your pain. I absolutely hated where we used to live - and that was despite my DH being willing to move. Our house took forever to sell and I used to dread the drive home from work and seeing it every evening. We lived in a popular village that many people in our area aspire to moving to, but I hated it and yearned for the city. I think once you feel like this, you have to do something about it. It sounds like you are in an impossible situation though

Original poster

AngstyAnnie · 29/01/2020 22:21

Also, do you realise that you both will be ferrying kids around everywhere Yes, he's said it will get "easier" when the DC are older and I brought up that point and he had no answers. He's complained before about not getting to do anything as a child, never being encouraged to have hobbies etc as it was too much hassle for his parents. Yet when I bring that up in reference to our DC he'll say it wasn't that bad, he liked spending time alone as a child

what about your career/will you be able to progress quite frankly no - not without my DC taking the hit of having no parents around. He would have to change jobs and as he earns x3 what I would earn if I was full time then it's never going to make sense for him to do that. He has recently said that he would like to take a lower paid job closer to home in about two years, but he's so money motivated I honestly can't see it happening.

OP posts:

Original poster

AngstyAnnie · 29/01/2020 22:24

Does he know just how unhappy you are?

I couldn't be more explicit: "I'm really unhappy here. I hate it." Ad nauseum for at least a year now

OP posts:

FreckledLeopard · 29/01/2020 22:30

Sorry OP but I wouldn't stay in a place that made me miserable, even if that meant the end of the marriage. Life is too short to be somewhere you don't want to be and it doesn't sound like you're living in a place with great prospects for your children.

I'd say that I'm moving, with the children, to xxx and that he either comes along or you file for divorce.

Elizabethtailor · 29/01/2020 22:30

Can you geographically meet in the middle? Otherwise- you will resent him forever more and both be miserable.

Elizabethtailor · 29/01/2020 22:30

WhereAbouts are you?

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 29/01/2020 22:31

Does he care for you at all OP? sorry but it sounds like he does not give a shit about how miserable you are, no decent partner would want their wife/husband to be so desperately unhappy, he basically does not care and for me that would be a dealbreaker.

Original poster

AngstyAnnie · 29/01/2020 22:37

Does he care for you at all OP? I sometimes wonder! I don't think it's malicious - at least I hope not! I think he's just burying his head in the sand and hopes I adapt eventually as he's dreamed of building this house and living here his whole life. He worked hard to achieve his dream and understandably doesn't want to give up on that so he's digging his heels in.

OP posts:

treesandrocks · 29/01/2020 22:38

Could you get a full time job in the city OP and he be the one to stay at home, seeing as he loves the place so much?

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/01/2020 22:40

What do you do at weekends OP?

turfsausage · 29/01/2020 22:49

It's his dream though isn't it OP, it was his dream before you came along. When he built the house he obviously envisaged it having a wife and kids in it, but the wife was a faceless woman unformed without her own opinions. You went along with it to be supportive but it was never your dream. If you think about it, it was completely unrealistic as it relies on having another adult buying in, who has no opinions of her own. Unfortunately once u add another adult u get other opinions!

turfsausage · 29/01/2020 22:50

Sorry I'm making this about me! I think our situations are similar though

zeddybrek · 29/01/2020 23:08

Hi OP

I completely understand. We left London to buy our forever home in the suburbs and it just didn't work out. After 4 years we decided to sell up and move back and I understand that feeling of feeling trapped and just not belonging. Your husband is being very unfair in not understanding how this is impacting you. Being mortgage free is of course an absolute dream but your mental health is more important. Is he not willing to discuss any other possibilities, as others have suggested renting somewhere temporarily to see how it impacts your lifestyle. I'm sorry OP, I really feel for you. x

Original poster

AngstyAnnie · 29/01/2020 23:17

He usually works on Saturdays too ShesGotBetteDavisEyes so I'm
on my own with the DC, but he's home earlier than usual on Saturdays so will have the evening with them. I usually bring them out in the morning - drive to one of the larger towns and go to the park/walk in the woods/get some lunch - something along those lines.

On Sundays we might drive further afield to bring them to softplay or some other activity but not every week as they're still quite little and the youngest gets very cranky if she doesn't nap properly, which she never does in the car. The journey ends up being more trouble than it's worth!

He'll often bring them to visit his family to give me a break on Sunday afternoon... he's not all bad

You're right turfsausage it is his dream not mine but I'm not sure where we go from here? If I could convince him to move then it's possible he'll be the one who is miserable and resent me for ruining his dream, so it's hard to know what's for the best. There needs to be some sort of compromise.

Thank you Zeddybrek. I thought I had landed on a good compromise by suggesting renting in our nearest city temporarily to see how things go - I really thought he'd go for that one - but he said no that it "wouldn't be temporary, you'd never come back here". So that was the end of my great idea!

OP posts:

FreshStart01 · 29/01/2020 23:22

I'd say that I'm moving, with the children, to xxx and that he either comes along or you file for divorce.

I think there is another option here, which still means you and the children move, but not divorce and you meet up at weekends. You will have to be very, very firm but I absolutely agree with other posters that you should not have to stay somewhere that you hate forever. Put a clear timeframe on it and stick to your guns.

WhoAmIToTellYou · 29/01/2020 23:51

He is living his dream totally at your expense.

He has a lovely job, home he always dreamed of, freedom to do what he likes with his time. Nothing to hold him down.

You on the other hand are massively restricted career wise, massively restricted in what you can do in your free time, covering all childcare needs. Limited social life and opportunities to make friends.

In reality, he is only living his dream because you facilitate that. And your problem is not necessarily the location itself- it’s your DH’s attitude. He needs to start picking up more drudge and enable you to have a normal life, e.g. be home on time so that you can do things, get involved more with kids’ needs, bedtimes etc. Housework- he needs to do that too. And also drive to do weekly shopping, things like that. The drudge.

I reckon he knows the above and doesn’t want to lose his lifestyle enabled by you, hence the resistance. He has a fantastic set up for himself there. You do it all, he’s got his freedom. He himself said he knows once you’re out, you will never come back, of course!

Set the deadline and move out, seriously. You will grow wings.

brittabot · 30/01/2020 00:01

Your DH has the life that he wants but you don’t have the life that you want. If he won’t discuss it or consider compromise then I would consider delivering an ultimatum re moving nearer your family.

SilverySurfer · 30/01/2020 00:11

Sixteen years ago when I retired, I moved from London to a town about 50 miles away. Still miss London, still think the town is crap - horrible shops, vile architecture - can only assume the council planners were either blind or bribed and can't afford to move back to London. I don't see me changing my mind any time soon. However I absolutely love my property and would miss it.

agonyauntie2020 · 30/01/2020 00:22

Come on, OP you know in your heart of hearts this is wrong. You don't like it now, it will get so much worse when your DCs go to school. Life is short and you only live it once, You want happy memories with your DCs. Tell him you're moving now, for the same amount of time as you've lived in his house, and after that amount of time, you can regroup.

If he doesn't want to come with, he doesn't have to. But he will. And with those hours (7.30 return from work, works Sats) I bet you he doesn't even complain once you've found somewhere nice in a nice place.

Money is not everything.

AgentPrentiss · 30/01/2020 00:24

I hear you. I could have written your post myself. I loathe where we live and am desperate to move back to my hometown. DH will never leave, ever. And he seems to have won by default as our kids lives are here and they are happy.

Honestly the only solution I see at the moment is buggering off back home in 10 years when they kids are adults and splitting up. As he seems to love this place more than he loves me. 🤷‍♀️

dellacucina · 30/01/2020 00:31

just another vote for 'your husband is being unreasonable'

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