Can you learn to like a place you hate?

[AngstyAnnie]

I hate where I live. Really hate it. On the surface things look lovely (which is why I agreed to move here) but five years on and I still can't get used to the place.

It's DHs home "town". The house is built on his family land and will never be sold so selling up is not an option. It's a lovely house with beautiful views. He built it before we met and most importantly it's mortgage free. I know I should be counting my lucky stars as I know most people would kill to be in this position and yet...

It's rural, which seems idyllic but is actually just inconvenient. I'm really limited - workwise, socially etc. and live quite an isolated life. The nearest town is only a 15 minute drive but it's horrible - really horrible: More shops boarded up than open, plagued with social problems and no investment or industry so high rates of unemployment - this is where my DC will be going to school (they're preschoolers).

I'm desperate to move but DH won't even entertain the idea. I work part time in an admin role because there are no opportunities locally for my qualifications. I could commute to the nearest city but that would mean barely seeing my DC during the week and as their dad doesn't see them from Monday to Friday (due to his commute) I don't think that's fair on them. I've said if we move I will work full time and we could get a mortgage on a small house. We could afford it but would have to tighten our belts/cut back on luxuries, which I'd be willing to do as I think our overall quality of life would still be better than it is now but he thinks this is madness... He's possibly right?

In an ideal world I'd love to move to my home town, where we would have more family support (three hours from here). There are great schools, work opportunities and my DC could have a wonderful childhood, as I feel they will be so limited if we stay. I've also suggested three other cities/large towns closer to here but he wont entertain any suggestion of a move whatsoever.

I've tried to adapt - I truly have! I got involved in the local community and have met some nice people but most are a lot older than me. I've tried to make the best of things and to try to see the positives but besides the house I'm struggling to see any positives.

Sorry for the long rant but I guess my AIBU is - AIBU to want to move from a mortgage free house to get into debt? And if so - does anyone have any suggestions on how to learn to like it here? I'll try anything at this stage!

But wouldn’t you buy? if it were up to me I would buy and not rent at all but since he doesn't want to (and I wouldn't be able to get the mortgage on my own) I suggested renting initially for a trial run - as a way to convince him.

OP, I would move in a shot. It doesn’t sound like you’re enjoying life. That’s no way to live. Also I wonder if you got a full time job with your qualifications would that cover some (all?) of the extra expense of a mortgage on a small home in a more convenient place?

I’d love a big house in the countryside...but probably when I’m retired or wealthy enough to have one with good links or near a good city! Can’t imagine giving up on a proper career, social life and hobbies so early on in life.

YANBU.

Tell us when you are having the conversation OP and how it goes!

I think you should try to find a compromise, something that will please you both. If he wants you to be happy then hopefully he will be prepared to listen. Don't give up looking, but in the meantime, try to find more friends or things to do where you are - people you can have a laugh with will make life more fun.

I have struggled a bit where I am but have made my life more bearable by doing stuff I like (dance class, for example) and making the effort to meet up with people whose company I enjoy.

I don’t think there is a compromise

This is like a couple where one wants to have a baby and one doesn’t.

You can’t compromise on where you live

I'm in a similar position. Moved into Dh's home 20 years ago. It's now mine too, I'm on the deeds. Hate it with a passion. It's on a main road. That's got busier. And I Cant stand the 'whoosh whoosh' of every car going past. Dh won't move. I can't find another house locally that's equivalent or better than what we've got. So I'm stuck. Makes my life a fucking misery.

Some of these men are amazing the way they put their feet down and won't budge when they are the ones working and only spending a few waking hours per week living in this dream house, in their chosen area whilst their partner slowly shrivels and dies of boredom.
Next time he is on leave, take the car, leave him with the kids and see how much of a dream he finds it.

He isn't listening to you and it sounds like he never will unless you take action, you've talked enough! I hope he comes to his senses soon.

I'm with @Oliversmumsarmy on this one.

If your DH is unwilling to compromise, you have 2 choices: stay where you are and be miserable for the rest of your life.

Or, you leave and make your own life in a place where you're happy.

From what you say, I don't think there's any other way out of this. Please remember that this life isn't a dress rehearsal - this is it. Once it's over we don't get another go, so make it as good as you can.

And try to remember that the short term pain of leaving is worth the long term gain of a better life.

However is another 30-40 years of the same a price you're prepared to pay for staying together?

Will do Elizabethtailor!

Thanks to everyone for posting - one of the main reasons I haven't taken any decisive action on this is that deep down I feared I was being very unreasonable/ungrateful. Seeing the responses has helped enormously.

Definitely not being unreasonable. He doesn’t have a realistic view of life there if he is present for one Sunday a week. No reflection of the daily grind. What is it he likes/ relishes about being there for those few hours? For a day a week he could be anywhere... Am very sorry that he has not taken your feelings into account.

Life's too short. Get a spreadsheet going with all your options, and show him what your deal breakers are. Find a compromise. It's not supposed to be so one-sided. YANBU. He is. Good luck!

Well, about the not being able to get a mortgage on your own...

You are married, and there is a mortgage-free house which I am afraid is now a joint asset. Never be sold? Not if you need paying off in a divorce, maybe.

I know it seems an incredible leap but the biggest issue here is the way he is treating you. It doesn't speak well of his character, and it doesn't bode well for the marriage long term.

The sensible, if unpalatable, thing to think forward to is if you genuinely split up. You will have a child to support who will live with you (forget even considering 50-50 for the man who's literally never there) - what I hope you would do is get a damn good solicitor and argue that yep you're planning to move somewhere where you can resume your career and move on but you also won't be walking away with nothing and starting again while he keeps his lovely mortgage-free house. What he will HAVE to do is either sell it to give you what could be a surprisingly large % of the value, or (more likely) he'll end up with it properly mortgaged in order to do the same. And yes that will be for precisely this reason - that you need to house your joint child and you and the court will see that you have the funds from the marital assets to do so!

I would perhaps see a solicitor, just to find out a bit more about what ACTUALLY would happen.

Example for you. A friend married her H when he had a house he'd bought quite a few years previously himself. They married. They moved to a bigger house, she was SAHM. So the money for the new house came from a mixture of his salary and his assets in the form of the original house he owned himself.

They divorced, she has custody of their children, she got 70% of the house value - partly based on the fact that she would find it difficult after years of SAHM to get to the point alone where she'd be able to buy again. While he was still at his peak earning point.

So think it through - even if you came away with a MUCH smaller % of the value of that house - damn right it should be enough for a good deposit for you to buy yourself, and the court would absolutely think it fair that he took on a mortgage in order for you to gain some parity in assets. There is no way a court would say, sorry AngstyAnnie, you may not be able to afford to house yourselves, but we can't possibly ask your cossetted exH to have to accept having a mortgage like the majority of working adults!

It sounds absolutely awful.,I can’t stand all this “it will never be sold, we can’t move” bullshit that usually older country folk spout out. They are very selfish. Why don’t they want you to be happy? And why doesn’t your husband want you to be happy??

We previously lived in a big city which was my hometown, where my work is based and basically all I’ve ever known. I love that city and I’m definitely a city person. My DH, on the other hand, grew up rurally and he prefers the countryside so when it came to buying a house together we had to find a compromise. I would have gladly remained in the city but on our budget all we could find was small terraced houses in crappy areas so we had to start looking further afield. We settled on a town about a 20-30 drive away from the city (depending on traffic) and it has meant we now have a five bedroom detached home. Issue is, I really don’t like this town whatsoever. I went back to work PT after maternity leave so I’m here half of the week and there’s just very little to do. It’s an old historical town but I have exhausted the historical sights with my DC at this point. There are very few local baby groups, I always end up going further afield. The town centre is just a joke, there’s like five shops of any actual worth but there are zero clothes shops so again, I have to go further afield for shops. I’d say 70% of the local population are over the age of 60, I don’t feel like I fit in at all tbh and feel like I often get looked at like an alien.

Anyway, my huge anecdotal story is to say I have lived here about 18 months now and it’s gradually getting easier. It has been gradual though, there are certain things about the town I have grown to enjoy and I definitely love our house! If you are deeply miserable, it’s not really worth sticking around.

I was born in an area where as far back as I can remember I hated.

Always knew I would move. The only thing I focussed on was getting out.

I moved to London and the relief when i was on the coach and it turned onto the motorway heading south was indescribable

I love London but it isn’t home, it is a compromise.

Having said that we moved out to the countryside because Dp changed jobs.

I used to travel back to London to do my weekly shop. (The place didn’t have a supermarket)
I got a job in an office and just didn’t fit in. So I left.
I don’t know how many years I went without actually speaking to anyone outside of Dp face to face.

It took 12 years for us to move.
Every time we thought we were going to move something would happen and we would be unable to move.

It was hell on earth.

I look at those 12 years as being a complete waste of time.

We moved out of London for a year and were deeply unhappy so moved back. All these places seem delightful to visit for a weekend but the reality of living there was hugely different. Thankfully my husband put ‘our’ happiness ahead of his desire to walk many acres at the weekend. Lucky in that respect. I was almost suicidal for a time.

We lived in a small town for two years. When I realised I hated it, I talked to DH about it and we found a way to move back to London. He didn't love it either, but I was the one who wanted to move. He's not happy unless I'm happy. I don't say this to rub it in your face, but because selfish men often try the "all men are like me" defence. It's not true.

I never, ever learned to even like it a little bit. Grew up as a kid in rural settings - 30 mins away from school by car, bus and train and walking even longer to school. No friends even close nearby. Shit public transport (which never arrived in time anyway and sometimes wouldn't turn up at all). Nothing to do, no social life, no jobs, no transport. Hated it. As an adult lived in similar places due to partner - hated it. We both decided enough was enough and for the children's sanity sake let alone ours we moved to a child friendly, activity-rich part of the UK near the coast and have never once looked back, best decision ever. It means we both left rooted family behind... but staying was killing our souls.

So basically OP, you are living HIS life!

YADNBU - but he is. He has got everything he wants and so he isn't listening to you because he doesn't have to.

Well, this isn't the 1950's. You DO have a voice too. You have a right to move where you want to be - with or without him. Painful as that may be.

Please do not waste your life by allowing it to be dictated to in this way. Because by not allowing you a voice, this is exactly what he is doing to you.

Life is too short to live somewhere you hate and to live with a man who doesn't give a shit about your happiness, and cares only that he is happy.

Move away, your kids will thank you for it. I grew up in the middle of nowhere and hated it.

You don't have a life & are tied to the home & the dc. I live in London & would struggle if I didn't see my DH Mon-Fri. He has all the benefits & being mortgage free is pointless if you're unhappy.

The fact he earns a good salary makes it worse & you very likely could afford a move.

It's clear you hate where you live even after having it a very good go over 5 years - that's a long time to try to make something work!

The present living situation currently works for him. It does not work for you. There's nothing 'right' about staying in a situation that makes you miserable. imo a loving partner is one who is not happy if their partner is not happy. Somehow your partner is happy with the situation despite your clear unhappiness, and refuses to listen when you suggest solutions that would make you happy! This isn't compatible with a loving relationship imo, and by shutting you down he is dismissing your feelings and dismissing that your feelings are of any importance at all, sorry to say.

Your feelings sound completely reasonable - you've tried hard and 5 years is a long time to try. Your DH's unwillingness to consider your feelings, his continual shutting you down - now THAT is unreasonable and unfair.

In a partnership the happiness of BOTH parties is important. His claim it is 'madness' to leave a mortgage free situation is a diversion from the issue - you are unhappy living there. End of. You need a different living situation for your own well-being - and your well-being directly affects your DC.

If you've been completely direct with your DH that you are desparate to move and he consistently shuts you down and cannot listen to your words, realistically you've only got consequences/your actions as a way to influence them.

As it is you will need to take full responsibility for your happiness (and your happiness directly affects your DC). If your partner will not listen it's time for you to think about what solutions WOULD work for you and begin to take steps towards your happy future. Could you move to stay with your family while you try to get a job and then get your own place near them? They can be a support network and your husband can visit on weekends.

Many people spend years of their lives trying to convince their partner to listen to them and it really does wear you down in the end. While you still have some energy see if you can change your situation for your own happiness, and that of your children.

YANBU. I moved to a supposedly idyllic place in my 20s. It is so wrong for me and I should have got moved out within the first year but I soon met my husband and because I was happy I didn't think about it. We had kids and settled and I wish I had pushed to move but I didn't. Now the kids are teenagers and I can't uproot them, but I have never felt at home, I don't have close friends here and life is harder than it should be in terms of work opportunities, cultural life and transport. I dream of city life. I think if your kids are still young you still have time. I would keep pushing it up the agenda.