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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wish my husband wasn't a hoarder?

108 replies

rightiothen · 29/01/2020 20:37

I've put up with it for years and it's just become part of the fabric of our lives, but recent events have made me realize how much it's pissing me off.

Married 8 years, 2 young children. DS 5 and DD 3, I would like to have another and I think the house is big enough for a family of 5 (3 bed so 2 DC would share) except he uses all of the bedrooms to store his shit in. When we first got together he was big on what he calls "flipping", where you buy stuff from the charity shop that you think may be valuable and sell it off. Granted, some months be brings home a couple of hundred from it (alongside his full time job) but a lot of the stuff he just struggles to sell and it has accumulated in our house. Also when we first got together it was stuff like ornamets etc but now it's big pieces of furniture. The house isn't that big as it is, it's a new build council house but if we decorated right we could utilize the space. It's not at the point where we can't see the floor or windows, but it's progressively getting worse and if it carries on we will get to that point. It makes me sad because we were very very lucky getting this house (small estate in nice area, lovely big front and back garden though it is now filled with shit) and I would love to properly decorate it so we can appreciate it but I can't. It's still got the basic white coat of paint that it had when we moved in 4 years ago which is now chipping away. All of the other houses in the culdesac are done up lovely, and recently when the councilman came round to look at an issue with the sink he described our home as "One of the most eccentric houses I've ever seen."

The kids barely have any toys in their room because his crap is everywhere. Ds's room is home to some piles of old, smelly stained books from the 1900s. A "vintage" camera, an old room divider (which DH claims is special because it was made in Korea in 1930..) and lots of other things. DD's room is home to some tatty wearing furniture from decades ago that IMO should really be in the skip, it's all falling apart. Our room gets the worst of it, I'm not even going to list it as I'd be going on forever. Lets just say the only functional thing in there is our bed. Oh, and the kids garden playhouse which was a gift from my father is full of it as well. It's clear I'm not the only person who doesn't want this stuff as no matter how much he puts it on EBay it just won't shift, but he refuses to get rid of any of it. I'd post pictures if I wasn't so embarrassed.

While he's been at work I've tried to shift some of it a few times, but he'll come home and be horrified and put it all back. We've had many a row over it. I feel sorry for the DC because it's not a normal or even safe environment for them. We had a huge 1950's mirror sitting on the floor in the dining room which DS cut his hand on a while ago resulting in an A&E visit. Thankfully over that incident the mirror went straight to the tip despite DH whinging. I wish DH would give it all up but he won't, his whole life outside of work revolves around it. It's his entire social life, he has mates who we met years ago at car boot sales and they'll come round once a week and they'll all compare their latest finds while drinking beer.

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do, but my friends and family don't seem to see it as a big issue because in other aspects he's a good husband and dad. It's making me depressed, my home doesn't feel like somewhere I can relax. I've seriously considered leaving him over it because I feel like he doesn't take my opinions into account, I've been described to his other hoarder mates as "high maintenance" and "OCD" just because I don't like the house being filled with dangerous crap.

OP posts:
Newmetoday · 29/01/2020 20:42

I’d leave. No way I’d put up with that.

NutRoastNancy · 29/01/2020 20:45

His stuff needs to leave or his stuff AND him needs to leave.

Caselgarcia · 29/01/2020 20:46

Could you suggest that he rents a unit to store it?

Glassmami · 29/01/2020 20:49

I second getting him a storage unit! He can hoard to his hearts content and you get your house back.

Curiosity101 · 29/01/2020 20:51

@rightiothen Up until now it has been 'acceptable' so I wouldn't go in too hard too fast. Would you feel comfortable telling him that enough is enough and you aren't willing to accept any new things coming into the house any longer? Explain that if he brings anything else into the home that there will be severe consequences. This would be more than reasonable as it sounds like there is plenty of stuff in the house already that needs 'flipping'.

Then work out a way that works for you both to lower the amount of stuff you have? Perhaps aim to 'clear' one room at a time? You might also want to contact a hoarding specialist, although your husband may not be a clinical hoarder, they could probably help advise you on a way to proceed.

I'd worry about getting a unit to store his stuff in... if he genuinely is a hoarder then it could easily get a lot worse when there are literally no limits to what he can store...

HavelockVetinari · 29/01/2020 20:52

If you read threads by MNers who grew up with a hoarder they absolutely hated it - the lack of space/cleanliness, unable to bring friends home, embarrassment... He needs to get therapy or you need to leave him. It's utterly unfair on the DC.

PermanentTemporary · 29/01/2020 20:53

If he's a hoarder, having his hoard makes him feel better and losing it makes him feel anxious. It's the opposite for you (and would be for me).

Can you have a talk together about ways forward? I wouldnt start with all the plans you have for the house because that's jumping a step ahead.

I would personally have two goals - the stuff is out of all the bedrooms, starting with the children's, and it doesn't just get stashed in your front room. The children must have functional rooms.

And then second, you go to therapy together. Imo he needs personal therapy but his management strategy for his anxiety/depression is hoarding so at the moment he sees no need for any other treatment. I wonder if he will need medication at some point.

billy1966 · 29/01/2020 20:53

Deal breaker OP.
He doesn't get to decide that ye live in a house full of crap.

You need to tell him he needs to arrange for this stuff to be removed from the house or you will.

Your poor children growing up in a house full of rubbish.

As your children grow up they will be mortified at this hoarding.

You need to be strong and spell it out to him.

Wishing you well OP.

cakeandchampagne · 29/01/2020 20:53

Hoarding is a mental health issue. Is there any chance you could get him to talk to someone?
Does he understand you both could get in serious trouble because of the children not having a safe & reasonably clean/clear home?

44PumpLane · 29/01/2020 20:56

Agree with telling him to get a storage unit. If he's bringing in some money from it then he could put that towards the unit.

It's unfair on your whole family to to have to put up with living in the middle of a jumble sale. As your kids grow up they won't esnt to bring friends round and you'll jot want to have peooke over either--it's no way to live.

Frouby · 29/01/2020 20:58

I would honestly not put up with that and give him an ultimatum. It all goes or he goes with his crap. You are housed in a nice house that is supposed to provide nice family accommodation and he is abusing it. No judgement for living in a council house, mine is HA but a 3 bed council house is to house a family not a hobby.

I would tell him he has a month to sell or give away or scrap the lot or he leaves. This is no way to live and no way to raise children. My fils partner is also a hoarder and she has completely trashed fils bungalow with her hoarding along with her own 3 bedroom property. It's a mental issue I know but he needs to find somewhere else to hoard. And fund that himself.

31133004Taff · 29/01/2020 20:58

Yep. Significant mental health issue. You personally need support. Flowers

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 29/01/2020 21:06

Hoarding is quite an intractable mental health problem but it is horrible for a family to live with and causes intense shame as the DCs get old enough to understand that they can't have any friends over and that they must hide their home from people. I would make him get a storage unit, he will hate it, but I would say it is that or leave. You must reclaim your home for your family. Your children will not have a good childhood with this problem in their lives.

Peridot1 · 29/01/2020 21:14

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

He is not being a good husband or father. As his children get older they will become more aware and embarrassed by their home.

As others have said it is a mental health issue often.

I couldn’t live like that and would not let my children live like that. I would be issuing an ultimatum I’m afraid. Either he gets rid of it all or faces up to the fact he has a problem and gets professional help. If he doesn’t do either of those I would end the marriage.

isabellerossignol · 29/01/2020 21:15

It's a huge mental health issue and I think you need to make it clear to him that you expect him to seek help (although in all honesty, help is hard to find). Don't underestimate this either. I have a relative whose children were removed from their care by social services due to the state of their home. And I was there in the meeting when SS announced that that was what would be happening, so that's not just conjecture.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 29/01/2020 21:17

But he is not a good husband, or dad though. You are not happy, and your children will resent you both for it. This is it. Do something about it, now.

susandelgado · 29/01/2020 21:20

My dd did this. She was buying pieces of furniture to do up and sell, and it was accumulating in our house. She finally realised just before Christmas what a mess it was and got a lockup to put it in. Then we hired a man with van and moved it all over. Your DH sounds mad tbh, I'd be giving him an ultimatum, it's not fair to the children 🤷‍♀️

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 29/01/2020 21:24

Leave him.

If he cared about you he'd want you to live in comfort. He doesn't.

Find your own home. Make it lovely.

You don't have to live like this.

Meemm · 29/01/2020 21:25

He gets a storage unit paid for with the proceeds of his sales or else him & all his crap are out on the street. Give him 1 month notice. This is not fair to your kids and you are lucky you haven't been reported to SS. It's just going to get worse. Seriously, fix this now!

NotStayingIn · 29/01/2020 21:31

This is so bad for your children. Imagine barely having toys and having your playhouse filled with shite and your mom lets it happen. Great. What will happen when they want friends round? The older they get the more horrible this will be for them.

I think you need to insist on a storage unit. Its tough and will be awkward and out a massive strain on your relationship but you can’t allow this to continue. You also deserve to live in a proper home! Why should you live like this? It’s so difficult as hoarding is a very complicated mental health issue so not sure how best to tackle that. Hopefully you can get information online that might help. Flowers

Legoandloldolls · 29/01/2020 21:38

Hoarding is a mental health condition. I'm a self confessed hoarder and went to my gp. But most hoarders dont see they have a problem. I went to a support group and most people was there because they had been forced by socail workers under treat of eviction.

I wouldn't advise a lock up personally. But that depends if he is a real hoarder or just has hoarding tendencies. You could find it doubles his hoard.

I cant really advise much. But a few partners went to my support group and hearing them filled me with guilt.

I'm not too bad, you would think my house was cluttered on a bad month, but in my head I'm scared on only a few years away from drowning in shit. It's a addiction. It needs CBT to retrain his thinking. Even then it's a life long job to not get drawn back in.

Start with a Frank chat. Look up sunk cost. Ask how much you would pay to have a tidy house. £100? £500? more than his flipping will return?

Thebookswereherfriends · 29/01/2020 21:38

He needs to see that he is being unfair to the children at a minimum. Ask him to think forward a few years when the children want to invite friends over- they need to have a room of their own, with their own belongings, not some old crap from a charity shop. If he is not able to see any of it from another point of view then he has a problem and nothing will change until he gets proper help. You will have to decide whether you want to continue to endure this with your children, or whether you would like to be able to live a regular life with a house you can decorate as you wish and have only things which you enjoy having.

MillennialPink · 29/01/2020 21:47

If he's acquiring all this stuff in order to sell it and make a bit of a profit then it's probably not accurate to describe him as a hoarder - even if the effect on your home and your life is the same. He will want to get rid of the stuff every bit as much as you do. The problem is that he can't let it go for free - because he sees a profit to be made from it. It's a common problem with car booters and Ebayers. Many of them start off by having a clear out, and then when they see there's a bit of money to be made, they start accumulating more stuff to sell so they end up with much more crap than they started with. If it's a mental illness, I'd say that it has more in common with a gambling addiction because there is the buzz they get from acquiring something, and then the extra buzz from selling it - as well as the gloom of losing, or in this case having the stuff hanging around as a reminder of their failure. Storage is definitely one answer, but it is more expensive than you might think.
If he is doing car boot sales regularly, he could invest in a small van to store all his wares in from week to week (that he wouldn't have to unload). I don't know where he has got the furniture from, but I would suggest finding your local auction house - the kind who do general sales rather than antiques - to sell the bigger pieces and give you some room. The antiquarian book sellers on the Charing Cross Road in London would buy his old books as a job lot if they are genuinely of any value. If he's got the buying and selling bug and wants to continue his hobby, try and get him interested in coins or stamps or jewellery which take up much less room.

DeRigueurMortis · 29/01/2020 22:01

Oh dear OP.

I have to say this would be a deal breaker for me. I simply couldn't live in such a cluttered environment and I certainly wouldn't expect my children's lives to be dominated by it.

It may well be his hobby/passion/social outlet or a mental health issue (though I'm inclined to the former from what you've posted) but it's utterly dominating the quality of life for everyone else in the family.

I'm particularly concerned about even the children's bedrooms being used to store useless tat in preference to their toys/belongings and as they grow older they absolutely will resent this.

You say he makes some money but tbf I suspect he's barely breaking even (or actually making a loss) given the amount he's spent on "stock" that's not sold.

Seriously try and value what he's spent on what's in your home vs the money he's made. It's all very well saying he made £100 on one item sold when he's got £1000 of crap littering the house that's been there for 5 years. He obviously has no notion of "turnover" of "stock" and the situation will only get worse not better.

He's being very selfish.

A storage unit might be a short term solution but my worry would be that it could fuel this further in so far it encourages him to buy more stuff. Then when the unit gets full - get another/bigger unit....you don't solve the problem you're just enabling it to continue and potentially escalate.

I'd absolutely issue an ultimatum on this. You're not "high maintenance" for not wanting to live in a junk shop, for wanting the children to have space for their belongings, for wanting a house you are happy to invite friends to, for wanting functional furniture, for wanting a house that's safe for you and the children etc.

I'd be telling him he needs to decide what he wants. His family or his "stuff" and he has 3 months to get rid of the crap or you'll be getting rid of him.

If that means he needs some therapy then so be it - that's what he needs to do.

As for friends and family saying he's a good dad/husband- no he's not. He's failing miserably on that front.

I know that sounds harsh but I think the situation is quite toxic. You and the kids are prisoners in a home that's not fit for purpose and the fact he can't acknowledge that is very worrying because it signifies this is going to get worse not better and I would not be prepared to sacrifice my mental heath and my children's welfare because he refuses to understand how damaging his behaviour is.

baileyscheesecake1 · 29/01/2020 22:04

I understand OP. Although not quite as bad my DH is a hoarder too. When his last parent died 5 years ago he brought a lot of stuff from their home ornaments, clothes jewellery most of which is still here.
He has a room used as an office and there is hardly any space to move about.
He has now moved onto another room. Our garage is the same with a squeaky bike, magazines, printouts from old jobs he’s had from 30 years ago.
I regularly get rid of ‘my stuff’ to try and make space which he just fills again. Some days I just want to scream.
Our DC said, mum I wish we had a tidy house like X. The laugh is he’ll fuss about picking up/brushing crumbs off the carpet but be oblivious to the rest of the shit. Having said that he is a great dad and the most kindest, generous man you could meet.