To wish my husband wasn't a hoarder?

[rightiothen]

I've put up with it for years and it's just become part of the fabric of our lives, but recent events have made me realize how much it's pissing me off.

Married 8 years, 2 young children. DS 5 and DD 3, I would like to have another and I think the house is big enough for a family of 5 (3 bed so 2 DC would share) except he uses all of the bedrooms to store his shit in. When we first got together he was big on what he calls "flipping", where you buy stuff from the charity shop that you think may be valuable and sell it off. Granted, some months be brings home a couple of hundred from it (alongside his full time job) but a lot of the stuff he just struggles to sell and it has accumulated in our house. Also when we first got together it was stuff like ornamets etc but now it's big pieces of furniture. The house isn't that big as it is, it's a new build council house but if we decorated right we could utilize the space. It's not at the point where we can't see the floor or windows, but it's progressively getting worse and if it carries on we will get to that point. It makes me sad because we were very very lucky getting this house (small estate in nice area, lovely big front and back garden though it is now filled with shit) and I would love to properly decorate it so we can appreciate it but I can't. It's still got the basic white coat of paint that it had when we moved in 4 years ago which is now chipping away. All of the other houses in the culdesac are done up lovely, and recently when the councilman came round to look at an issue with the sink he described our home as "One of the most eccentric houses I've ever seen."

The kids barely have any toys in their room because his crap is everywhere. Ds's room is home to some piles of old, smelly stained books from the 1900s. A "vintage" camera, an old room divider (which DH claims is special because it was made in Korea in 1930..) and lots of other things. DD's room is home to some tatty wearing furniture from decades ago that IMO should really be in the skip, it's all falling apart. Our room gets the worst of it, I'm not even going to list it as I'd be going on forever. Lets just say the only functional thing in there is our bed. Oh, and the kids garden playhouse which was a gift from my father is full of it as well. It's clear I'm not the only person who doesn't want this stuff as no matter how much he puts it on EBay it just won't shift, but he refuses to get rid of any of it. I'd post pictures if I wasn't so embarrassed.

While he's been at work I've tried to shift some of it a few times, but he'll come home and be horrified and put it all back. We've had many a row over it. I feel sorry for the DC because it's not a normal or even safe environment for them. We had a huge 1950's mirror sitting on the floor in the dining room which DS cut his hand on a while ago resulting in an A&E visit. Thankfully over that incident the mirror went straight to the tip despite DH whinging. I wish DH would give it all up but he won't, his whole life outside of work revolves around it. It's his entire social life, he has mates who we met years ago at car boot sales and they'll come round once a week and they'll all compare their latest finds while drinking beer.

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do, but my friends and family don't seem to see it as a big issue because in other aspects he's a good husband and dad. It's making me depressed, my home doesn't feel like somewhere I can relax. I've seriously considered leaving him over it because I feel like he doesn't take my opinions into account, I've been described to his other hoarder mates as "high maintenance" and "OCD" just because I don't like the house being filled with dangerous crap.

I've just remembered, I was poisoned by lead paint back in the 80's. We bought an old house and I was stripping down the paintwork. I became very ill and thought it was the paintstripper. It wasn't, there was lead in the old paint. My immune system has never recovered 😐

All my extended family are the same. I don't even see clutter as it's all I grew up with.

Things that help me are:

Going away to a clutter free place. Once returning home (within the hour) stick fluorescent post it notes an all the clutter/ possessions you would like to magically remove. This doesn't mean they are removed or the stress of losing something means you won't be truthful.

Then, in that small window of having new eyes, you've identified the main problems and can work on a solution.

It's really not as simple as just getting rid of things. Sadly. I wish it was.

I'd think about doing a stall at a vintage/ antique market. Or finding a shop that could take things on commission. We have a fantastic vintage wear house near us that does that.

I sort of understand the get more storage ideas as that seems the obvious solution, but, I know from experience and many family members that the second things are rehomed the next item fills the gap.

Try the post it note solution.

I grew up with weird antiques stuffed in my bedroom cupboards, along with emergency food that was stashed in odd places.

I sort of understand the get more storage ideas as that seems the obvious solution, but, I know from experience and many family members that the second things are rehomed the next item fills the gap.

My experience too. More space equals more stuff.

Ffs. I'd get him a shed. He can keep whatever fits in the shed and no more. No way is he allowed to keep shit in the kids rooms that's their space. He'll soon find it trashed when they're teens.

I'd be giving an ultimatum - the crap goes or he does

There seem to be some debate over whether he is a hoarder with an illness or just a (rather useless) small entrepreneur.

If he wants to characterise himself as an entrepreneur then he needs to run the thing as a business, rent a storage unit, and see if the business can even cover its own costs, even before it makes any profit. At the moment the "business" is getting a free ride by getting free rent (from your children essentially).

You know, I think if you go in making threats, all guns blazing, he will just become defensive/combative. I would sit him down and explain the situation and try and get his buy in that way. Emphasise if things don't change, then your relationship status could, so he really needs to make changes and start with the kids rooms. If you clear all his shit, he will go ballistic and it could lead to him falling apart. I feel for you it's very sad and difficult, especially that he can't see the damage he is doing to his children. Try softly softly first with a clear outcome if things don't change. Just taking his stuff away doesn't help the problem and he won't buy into it. There's no question that he's a hoarder regardless of whether it's for profit or comfort. It's a mental illness. I hope you're able to get some agreement from him. My dad was a hoarder. It's not nice to grow up in

Yeah, I think I'd go in and say this is making you very unhappy. Ask him what he can offer to change things, but try and work with him to agree then, not just demand.
What I'd want: a physical limit to the space he can take up. e. g. Not the kids' rooms.
Does he keep proper accounts, so he knows what he paid for stuff, what it sold for and how long it's hanging around? This is a hobby; can you shift some of the focus from acquiring stuff to managing the stuff?
I can see why he doesn't want to give up a hobby that's an important part of him, but they need limits. I'd say the same if it was endless cycle rides or on the golf course all weekend.

Sorry you are going through this OP, my ex was a hoarder and I absolutely hated it. The house was always a mess and I was embarrassed to invite people to visit. He is unlikely to change without help, have you tried talking to him to see if he will speak to someone about it?

Something needs to change if nothing else it’s not fair on your DC.
My aunt was a horrific hoarder. Her husband left, two of her children in particular really really suffered as a result of it, and of the four she only has a decent relationship with one of them (who has completely fallen out with the others) it has totally torn the family apart. You need to address it now. And encroaching on the DC space is just not on.

I think my plan of action would be;

Have a sit down compassionate conversation.

"With the house in it's cutkrrent state, I can't relax. I feel too embarrassed to bring anybody over. The children can't have toys."

"The children need their rooms for their own things. What do you think we can do to make this happen?"

"I can't reach the walls to repaint. Can you help find a solution?"

"It's important to me that we live in a neat and tidy environment that is safe for the children. I know how important flipping is to you and how much pleasure you get from it. Can we work together to find a way for everybody's needs to be met?"

"How much income did Jim make this month? Come on let's see if we can beat it by shifting some of this stuff that's been hanging around here for years. A burd in the hand and all that!"

I don't know how to word it but if he could just be persuaded to see the sunk costs fallacy. Any normal person wouldnt want money tied up in stock they can't shift and would rather take a hit on a loss than store something endlessly- it's why shops have sales.

@1300cakes thank you, I think thats what I needed to hear tbh.

LTB bullet inbound tomorrow.

I've got a lot of sympathy for him! I love vintage stuff, and I can understand why he wants to be involved with it. That Korean screen sounds very interesting - I'd love to see a photo!

It doesn't sound like he's a hoarder to me. It sounds more as though he's obsessed with the buying and selling. I'd so what a pp suggested - try to encourage him to run it as a proper business, with proper records so he can see what he's actually making. If he can't afford a storage unit, he's not actually doing very well with it.

I'd tell him that he's got a month to clear the house, and if it doesn't happen you're going to clear it - and do it (even though I feel sorry for the poor man saying that ... because I know how much it would hurt me to get rid of all my apparent junk ... or treasure).

The shed is a great idea. Have you got space for and could you afford a great big shed?

Could you encourage him to start specialising in smaller items? Vintage watches, vintage jewellery, silverware, small ornaments, that sort of thing?

Local auctions can be great. I recently made almost £2,000 by sending a van-load of furniture and household items to a local auction. How about suggesting that he cuts his losses with all this old stock, and sends it all to a local auction?

Good luck, OP. Please come back and let us know how you get on.

Doesn't sound like hoarding in terms of mental health but more he wants to make money from it. If the old magazines and camera and stuff are so old surely they would sell. Do you have a garage? or perhaps a lock up somewhere he can store it. I would move it out of the kids rooms to begin with and store it in a shed.

The auction is a good idea. Otherwise, could you get a house clearance company to come in one day while he's at work - and just get rid in one fell swoop. There would be an almighty row, no doubt - but what the hell! And then just stamp down hard on any attempts to bring in more.

It totally sounds like hoarding...the mirror thing is awful. Ultimatum time op although id be inclined just to boot him out and give him the wake up call he needs.

I have to agree with a pp that it's an addiction. Think booze, and how difficult that is to give up/et into recovery, and you're in the same ball park.

I think he is a hoarder - as with all addictions there are different facets but it's all under the same umbrella. I wish there was a 12-step for hoarding because imo it's the exact-same as all the other addictions ie it is a compulsion.

You might want to look into your own compulsions op eg you could be coming from a codependent angle with him? eg you've said a few times you feel sorry for him, to the point you live with this even though it's a sometimes grave risk to your kids, if not physically (though it has been!), then definitely emotionally.

I'm not pointing fingers. It was looking at my own codependence that helped me heal after an abusive marriage. Do look for a CoDA meeting near you

katy he would be absolutely destroyed if op did that. Never to recover kind of destroyed.

I would honestly rent a self storage container and tell him he either moves his sh*t into it at the weekend, or you're arranging for everything to go to the tip!

Op I have never said leave to anyone but you must do so for your children. This is absolutely heart breaking. You need to put them first and bring them up in a safe environment.

I couldn’t live like this. As I have a low clutter threshold and my head gets crazy if there is stuff everywhere. But hoarding can be a mental health issue, so it’s hard to deal with. Give him a time limit to reduce his stuff to the size of a certain area, pay for storage (out of his pocket) or just start black bagging stuff when he’s out. Podcast/blog ‘a slob comes clean might help’.

I'll be honest op, if the fact your child injured themselves on an item wasn't enough of a wake up call, I'm not sure you're going to have much luck getting through to him.
A pp mentioned that removing his hoard would destroy him. Keeping it is slowly destroying the op.

Ynbu to hate the hoard and want to live in a house you can relax in and prioritise your kids.
Ynbu to be upset by him putting his needs above yours and the kids and dismissing your voice through diagnosing you as ocd.
Yabu to try to deal with this by wishing it was different and putting up with it. It's much more serious than that and the stage you are at is urgent. Talk to your doctor, get some help in standing up for yourself in your marriage and if he continues to treat you all as less important than his hoard ynbu to leave.

I just couldn’t live like this and I couldn’t allow my DC to have to live like this either. As they get older this will be a source of great embarrassment for them, they won’t invite friends over for example. They deserve their own space to play.

I would be really harsh, bag it all up when he’s at work and bin it. I’d arrange for British Heart Foundation to collect the furniture.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was a proper hoarder but uses the selling as a way to fool himself and others. Especially if he won't part with things easily unless they make a good profit. I'd get him out.

If anyone's in any doubt I'd he's a hoarder, the NHS page explains www.nhs.uk/conditions/hoarding-disorder/.

Op hope your chat went well 🤗