To wish my husband wasn't a hoarder?

[rightiothen]

I've put up with it for years and it's just become part of the fabric of our lives, but recent events have made me realize how much it's pissing me off.

Married 8 years, 2 young children. DS 5 and DD 3, I would like to have another and I think the house is big enough for a family of 5 (3 bed so 2 DC would share) except he uses all of the bedrooms to store his shit in. When we first got together he was big on what he calls "flipping", where you buy stuff from the charity shop that you think may be valuable and sell it off. Granted, some months be brings home a couple of hundred from it (alongside his full time job) but a lot of the stuff he just struggles to sell and it has accumulated in our house. Also when we first got together it was stuff like ornamets etc but now it's big pieces of furniture. The house isn't that big as it is, it's a new build council house but if we decorated right we could utilize the space. It's not at the point where we can't see the floor or windows, but it's progressively getting worse and if it carries on we will get to that point. It makes me sad because we were very very lucky getting this house (small estate in nice area, lovely big front and back garden though it is now filled with shit) and I would love to properly decorate it so we can appreciate it but I can't. It's still got the basic white coat of paint that it had when we moved in 4 years ago which is now chipping away. All of the other houses in the culdesac are done up lovely, and recently when the councilman came round to look at an issue with the sink he described our home as "One of the most eccentric houses I've ever seen."

The kids barely have any toys in their room because his crap is everywhere. Ds's room is home to some piles of old, smelly stained books from the 1900s. A "vintage" camera, an old room divider (which DH claims is special because it was made in Korea in 1930..) and lots of other things. DD's room is home to some tatty wearing furniture from decades ago that IMO should really be in the skip, it's all falling apart. Our room gets the worst of it, I'm not even going to list it as I'd be going on forever. Lets just say the only functional thing in there is our bed. Oh, and the kids garden playhouse which was a gift from my father is full of it as well. It's clear I'm not the only person who doesn't want this stuff as no matter how much he puts it on EBay it just won't shift, but he refuses to get rid of any of it. I'd post pictures if I wasn't so embarrassed.

While he's been at work I've tried to shift some of it a few times, but he'll come home and be horrified and put it all back. We've had many a row over it. I feel sorry for the DC because it's not a normal or even safe environment for them. We had a huge 1950's mirror sitting on the floor in the dining room which DS cut his hand on a while ago resulting in an A&E visit. Thankfully over that incident the mirror went straight to the tip despite DH whinging. I wish DH would give it all up but he won't, his whole life outside of work revolves around it. It's his entire social life, he has mates who we met years ago at car boot sales and they'll come round once a week and they'll all compare their latest finds while drinking beer.

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do, but my friends and family don't seem to see it as a big issue because in other aspects he's a good husband and dad. It's making me depressed, my home doesn't feel like somewhere I can relax. I've seriously considered leaving him over it because I feel like he doesn't take my opinions into account, I've been described to his other hoarder mates as "high maintenance" and "OCD" just because I don't like the house being filled with dangerous crap.

It sounds completely unacceptable. You are not high maintenance for not wanting you and the kids to live like this!
Kids rooms and playhouse should be for their stuff. Your bedroom should be a place for you both to get restful sleep, not a storage unit for stuff he wants to sell on.
He needs to do his paint stripping/furniture restoration in a shed/garage not in the middle of your living room.
The way he is expecting you all to live in your home is not fair.
I guess at the end of the day is his buying and selling more important to him than you and the kids?
Not sure where you live but there are de clutter companies like this one around which can be helpful
theclutterqueen.co.uk/
Councils also use them for tenants who hoard.
Might be worth getting them in so there is a third person helping you with the situation and sorting out the home so it is habitable?

God no, unbearable. He's ill. I'm sorry for you OP, hope you can work something out

I think I would leave, I couldn't love like that!

OP, this could have been me. I went through a flipping stage years ago - I have slight hoarding tendencies but couldn’t pass up something lovely that I knew was under priced. Our spare room was stuffed full of stuff.

Then I got pregnant. And I sold it all (the few bits that didn’t sell went to charity or the tip). I got about £4k (definitely a lot more than I spent) and haven’t bought anything to flip since. Because we needed to move and the space we did have we needed for the babies. End of story.

He doesn’t sound like a hoarder to me, I think you’re right - he’s obsessed with the idea that there’s a profit in it.

My first rule would be anything that’s been here a year or longer goes on eBay or Gumtree this week. Anything that’s left after a week goes to the tip or charity.

Then gradually move that back. Tell him that 2020 is the last year you’re going to live like this. So he has this time to sort out and sell what he can and dispose of the rest or you’re leaving.

Going forwards, he can have one small space for his finds and they have a shelf life of one month.

You need to put your foot down OP. Seriously. You need to tell him you are hiring a skip or doing tip runs from the end of February so the shit is either sold, thrown away or moved to a storage unit. If his business is so profitable the profits will pay for the unit. If he doesn't think it will then he has to admit it is not a business just a hobby.

In our HA if I split with dh the tenancy goes to the residential parent. Check with the council on yours so you know where you stand.

I think there’s some good ideas here. If it’s a business treat it like one - put a sticker on everything with a time limit, move it to one space in the house, have a strict one thing leaves before another arrives, get a storage unit in the garden.

But if you’ve asked him to be reasonable and he isn’t then you’ll have to come up with a plan for yourself. I’m really sad for you though, it sounds really oppressive.

I am the child of a hoarder. It's an awful way to grow up - never being able to invite people back to your house, feeling depressed all the time by your surroundings. Also, I have been infected with hoarding tendencies and face a constant struggle to resist slipping into the state or rather, to keep my hoarding to a minimum and contained.

Renting storage is likely just to increase the hoard - either the existing hoard will move there and new hoards will begin in the house, or, more likely, the storage space will fill up before the household hoard has had a chance to move into it.

People tend to think hoarding is about holding onto the past, but in my experience it's just as much about fantasy futures - a future where you'll sell this item and make a fortune, a future where you'll have time to sit down and repair a pile of broken items, a future where you'll have time to sit down a read a pile of old books etc.

What it represents above all is an inability to cope with the present. The hoard represents a past you can't let go of and a future that will never happen - in the meantime you are in a present surrounded by mouldering caches of things, unable to enjoy your house.

There isn't an easy answer. It's an illness and has now been formally recognised as such - giving ultimatums, throwing stuff away behind the hoarder's back unfortunately won't cure that illness. The hoarder needs counselling to uncover what's at the root of the hoarding urge and practical help to clear the hoard if they can reach a state where that's possible.

Personally, having grown up in a hoarded environment, it would be a deal-breaker for me in a marriage, but I can see that as you have children, walking away isn't an easy option as it perhaps would be for someone child-free.

Wishing you luck .

So he's doing a dirty job like chipping paint from a chair, that should be done in a shed in the middle of your living room.

What a selfish man.

You sound very frustrated OP.

But you are a Mum to children who need you to step up.

They are living in a horrible mess and it is spoiling their childhood.

They will have massive issues with this mess that they will internalise as shame.

They certainly will avoid bringing people home and may leave home asap to avoid the mess.

YOU will have huge regrets for allowing this blight on their childhood's.

Find the strength to do this for them if not yourself.

Your husband doesn't get the right to ruin your home and children's childhood with his hobby.

I could think of nothing worse, despite him being a good husband and dad this would destroy my mental health. Clutter depresses me.

I would literally order the biggest skip(s) I could find, make sure they arrive once he has left for work, work hard all day and then get the skip company to get it before he comes home. And if he would start bringing his crap to the house again, he would be gone along with his shit. 😒

My husband has hoarder tendencies that he inherited from his father who was really bad. He knows it though and tries to get rid of an old item whenever something new arrives.

He also rents a barn for storage and has said himself that in some ways he wishes he didn't have the space because it just encourages him to buy more stuff.

People tend to think hoarding is about holding onto the past, but in my experience it's just as much about fantasy futures - a future where you'll sell this item and make a fortune, a future where you'll have time to sit down and repair a pile of broken items, a future where you'll have time to sit down a read a pile of old books etc.

I think it's a mix of both. My husband has items of genuine sentimental value to him plus a load of other stuff that "might come in useful". He does read the old books, for example. It is nothing to do with monetary value or selling to make a fortune. The frustrating thing is that, quite often, the stuff actually does come in useful. The problem is that it also might have been stored, taking up space, for a few years beforehand.

Your child went to hospital over a broken mirror, and your husband was still upset about getting rid of the mirror?! Did he shed a tear or feel guilty about your child??
OP you are kidding yourself, he is a shit husband and father. Grow yourself a backbone and give him an ultimatum tonight, it's his family or his stuff, (he will probably choose the stuff I'm afraid). Or quite honestly, you are making yourself just as responsible for the mess.

He has a mental illness and is very unlikely to change.

You however, can change. Do you want to live like this forever? Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is normal, or perhaps instead hating their home?

Decide what you want and work towards getting it, but that may mean splitting up from your partner.

Someone I know is like this, moves house and takes it with them. They often think the stuff is valuable, but no one wants to buy it.

If you have council workers around they may be trained to report concerns to SS it’s not fair on the children, let alone a new one

I don’t want to be alarmist but I’d prioritise getting into the living room with a vacuum cleaner and get rid of the white paint from the rocking chair and then dump it in the garden where we can strip it. Old white paint has lead in it.

*he can stop it, not we

*ffs autocorrect. What I mean to say was “put it in the garden where he could strip it”.

Stouffer I read OPs post and thought OMG with regards to the paint being lead paint. Wouldn't even have it in the garden with young children in the vicinity. OP your husband is endangering your children's health, does he even care?

As I say, I don’t want to be alarmist but there is definitely a risk. It depends when the paint dates from, but at the end of the day there’s no point in taking chances.

There some info here in anyone would like to see it.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/advice-on-lead-paint-in-older-homes

Not nit-picking over terminology but I don't think he's a hoarder per se as he seems happy to let things go for a price. But obviously he does seem obsessed with his hobby or whatever it is, so he will probably need some sort of therapy to help him recover a more reasonable mindset over this. It can't go on as it is, it's having such a negative impact on the rest of the family - why should OP and the children suffer just so her husband can enjoy his hobby? I'd feel the same as PP have said, it would be a deal-breaker for me if he was not prepared to listen or take any action to greatly reduce the amount of items he has.

I would entertain his keeping good sellers but any items which fail to sell should be disposed of appropriately and promptly. To this end I would allow one shed-type structure to contain it all and all other rooms and outdoor spaces to be cleared and stay cleared. Whether OP's DH could rein himself in to this extent and stay at this level would remain to be seen though! But at least he could still engage in the chat about it with his cronies and get his sociable connections, since he seems to enjoy that side of it too.

WRT the paint on the rocking chair - Nitromors or a heat gun is the way to go, and definitely NOT in the living room. So inconsiderate!

Yanbu. All his other lack of respect aside I couldn't live with a hoarder, even if he was a great man.
He is inconsiderate, selfish, plus a hoarder. You have my sympathy.

I think some of you may have missed where OP said the front and back garden are now filled with shit, which probably explains why he is stripping the chair in the living room!!

My DH is an emotional hoarder. It’s like a journey of his life. Model tanks, school jotters, text books - younger years. University notes, he has a case (brought from his parents’ house). 100s of books he’s read and gained knowledge from. Maps from holidays. His Dads favourite coat, ties, jumpers. Ditto for his mum with ornaments thrown in and don’t start me with his music cassette, yes cassette/DVD/CD/record collection.
My sympathies OP.

He needs to open a shop?

I had sympathy up until the point I read you've let him encroach on the children's spaces. You are jointly responsible for that, the times you've moved some out why on earth have you let him put it back?

You have to have the argument. Get the kids rooms cleared out today, deep clean and hoover. Stack the larger stuff in the garden, take the smaller stuff straight to the skip if you drive. You said yourself it isn't selling, no one wants it.

Decorate their rooms over the next couple of weeks and let them enjoy their own space. Your DH gets the message their rooms are off limits, then tackle the rest of the house.

Insist he hires a storage unit for three months or book it for him. Everything of value is moved there, if he won't do it hire a local man with a van/house clearance firm to do it. He sells everything from there, anything not sold goes to the tip after three months. None of it back to the house.

He can use the proceeds to buy a garden shed and continue his hobby on a smaller scale along with buying paint and helping you decorate the house. Perhaps a shelving unit for the dining room to safely and neatly store a few items like books to keep or sell out of the children's reach. By the late spring you'd have the house newly decorated and garden and kids playhouse sorted for them to enjoy in the warmer weather.

Let family know you're serious about this. Anyone criticises you, tell them straight you and the children can't live like this. Enlist either their or the council's help if need be.

You have to get tough for the kids sake. Put thoughts of ttc out of your mind for a few months and tackle the house. Make sure your relationship is in a better place before thinking about another.

And if anyone leaves it's him. You've been allocated a house of that size for your children, not your DH's junk.