To wish my husband wasn't a hoarder?

[rightiothen]

I've put up with it for years and it's just become part of the fabric of our lives, but recent events have made me realize how much it's pissing me off.

Married 8 years, 2 young children. DS 5 and DD 3, I would like to have another and I think the house is big enough for a family of 5 (3 bed so 2 DC would share) except he uses all of the bedrooms to store his shit in. When we first got together he was big on what he calls "flipping", where you buy stuff from the charity shop that you think may be valuable and sell it off. Granted, some months be brings home a couple of hundred from it (alongside his full time job) but a lot of the stuff he just struggles to sell and it has accumulated in our house. Also when we first got together it was stuff like ornamets etc but now it's big pieces of furniture. The house isn't that big as it is, it's a new build council house but if we decorated right we could utilize the space. It's not at the point where we can't see the floor or windows, but it's progressively getting worse and if it carries on we will get to that point. It makes me sad because we were very very lucky getting this house (small estate in nice area, lovely big front and back garden though it is now filled with shit) and I would love to properly decorate it so we can appreciate it but I can't. It's still got the basic white coat of paint that it had when we moved in 4 years ago which is now chipping away. All of the other houses in the culdesac are done up lovely, and recently when the councilman came round to look at an issue with the sink he described our home as "One of the most eccentric houses I've ever seen."

The kids barely have any toys in their room because his crap is everywhere. Ds's room is home to some piles of old, smelly stained books from the 1900s. A "vintage" camera, an old room divider (which DH claims is special because it was made in Korea in 1930..) and lots of other things. DD's room is home to some tatty wearing furniture from decades ago that IMO should really be in the skip, it's all falling apart. Our room gets the worst of it, I'm not even going to list it as I'd be going on forever. Lets just say the only functional thing in there is our bed. Oh, and the kids garden playhouse which was a gift from my father is full of it as well. It's clear I'm not the only person who doesn't want this stuff as no matter how much he puts it on EBay it just won't shift, but he refuses to get rid of any of it. I'd post pictures if I wasn't so embarrassed.

While he's been at work I've tried to shift some of it a few times, but he'll come home and be horrified and put it all back. We've had many a row over it. I feel sorry for the DC because it's not a normal or even safe environment for them. We had a huge 1950's mirror sitting on the floor in the dining room which DS cut his hand on a while ago resulting in an A&E visit. Thankfully over that incident the mirror went straight to the tip despite DH whinging. I wish DH would give it all up but he won't, his whole life outside of work revolves around it. It's his entire social life, he has mates who we met years ago at car boot sales and they'll come round once a week and they'll all compare their latest finds while drinking beer.

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do, but my friends and family don't seem to see it as a big issue because in other aspects he's a good husband and dad. It's making me depressed, my home doesn't feel like somewhere I can relax. I've seriously considered leaving him over it because I feel like he doesn't take my opinions into account, I've been described to his other hoarder mates as "high maintenance" and "OCD" just because I don't like the house being filled with dangerous crap.

Use his lovely special Korean room divider to make him a corner in the bedroom, that is where he will be staying from now on unless he gets his shit out. He can use his left-over energy to decorate your house and make it into a home instead of just a house.

He did have a storage unit for a while after DD was born, but gave it up after a couple of months because we couldn't afford it. It has gotten much worse since then, I couldn't imagine bringing another newborn home to this dump.

He's a strange case because he doesn't fit the typical definition of a hoarder as he will get rid of the stuff if it sells. He is obsessed with profit. If he sees something that he thinks he has even the slightest chance of making money off he will buy it, and then once he's bought it he will refuse to part with it until he's made his profit. Some of the stuff we have now is from way back when he first started 'flipping'. His hoard just gets bigger and bigger. Most stuff won't sell and we end up in the situation we're in now. It really is becoming horrendous, and yes I do hate the idea of a DC wanting a friend to come over to play. DS has started to notice our house is not normal, and makes comments about how other people's houses don't have as much stuff. I fucking hate when people come over and I see the looks on their faces, it's horrible. I don't want a fancy posh house, just something clean and homely would do. This is not it.

Right now he's got a 200 year old rocking chair that he is desperate to sell, nobody wants it and he's decided it's because of the white paint job that the previous owner put on it. So every evening when he comes in from work he'll spend an our going at it with a chisel to get the paint off (in our living room), because apparently it will be more likely to sell in its more authentic state. I feel like a cow for thinking this over something he enjoys but it looks quite sad sometimes.

You are going to have to give him an ultimatum, the stuff must go or he must go. This isn’t living for you or your children, they deserve to have a clean, tidy home, you must put them first , not his feelings or his obsession, he clearly isn’t considering them or you, and no way should you bring another child into this toxic situation. Don’t let him get another storage unit that would be enabling his behaviour. Get a grip of this for your children and for your own mental health.

But chipping paint off furniture in the living room with young children in the house isn’t normal or safe.

If he thinks of it as a business, is he keeping a detailed and regularly updated inventory and figuring the ongoing storage costs?

For right now, you may want to put the children together in one cleared-out bedroom and put his stuff in the other.

You sound a very passive lady.. I would have got rid of all that shit long ago and let him follow if he didn't like it

Council House rules - no using the property as a business/storage location, no creating fire hazards, no blocking exits for residents.

Check your tenancy agreement - I'm sure you'll find a few paragraphs that back you up to justify booting the manky, skanky twat out

You’ll be in breach of your tenancy agreement for sure. Your children will grow up resenting both of you (not just him) and potentially have a lot of issues growing up in this environment.

Sorry but you need to grow some backbone. Either it goes, or he goes with it

Found this link OP www.thebalancesmb.com/when-buying-becomes-a-hoarding-disorder-4142642

Your dh accused you of OCD, I have heard hoarding is linked to ocd in some cases. I think cbt is what is recommended for hoarders. That is if they recognize the problem.

Take care of your dc it will affect them.

How on earth can you be so passive, especially with children in the house..you keep making excuses so will probably live in the same undecorated cluttered house the same time next year.

I sympathise OP, it seems lots off PP agree you should confront and ask him to completely change his life for you.

My wife is a hoarder. refuses to bin anything i dont like or messes up house/ clutters house. I just dont like it at all. Its not me...I like minimal.

se buys a ridiculous amount of clothes especially jackets, so much so i cannot open doors where they are stored on the back of.

She has so many shoes we cannot fit them on the shoe racks, therefore they lie in the way and become trip hazards.

I cannot live in this utter utter mess and dangerous house anymore.

Should I LTB?

I couldn't stand this. I'd have to have a straight talk. Is it possible he doesn't realise how much it upsets you? Perhaps you could agree a period of time in which you will help him to sell the stuff and if it doesn't go, then he will get rid of it? He might agree if the alternative is you separating.

Should I LTB?

I think so, and would say the same for OP. Thats no way to live.

Don't underestimate how damaging it is for children to grow up with a hoarder as a parent. It is negligent to allow them to live in that kind of environment. It's ultimatum time as far as I'm concerned.

That sounds really tough. Could he look at external storage solutions as a compromise?

@MillennialPink which antiquarian book shops on CCRd?

For your own sake go to see your GP as your OH’s problem is affecting you. Tell the GP all about the junk, the Lovejoy fantasies & your OH’s attitude & behaviours.

Get support for you.

Check your tenancy agreement - the faintest chance his hoarding could
endanger the security of your & your children’s home, then it is time to get really tough. The junk goes & he stays or the junks stays (for you to skip) & he goes.

Otherwise this could go on for years & years.

Storage unit or break up.
He needs therapy.
Not fair on your children at all. He may have some good qualities but this is a massive thing to tolerate. A good dad doesn't use his kids play house for old junk.

it is a recognised health condition now.and with this it isnt bout the stuff itself.its about how the stuff makes them feel.
so its like saying to someone with alchohol to stop drinking as if they jut like the drink.
or eating disorder to just eat.
the drink,food,hoarding is a symtom of mental health illness.not the problem.what is the problem is something he needs helpwith if this is in itself what he has.as hes using the hoarding to help him be safe when something is going on or has gone on to trigger this symtom/illness

I agree with PP - tackle one area at a time, starting with kids bedrooms. Give him a deadline to re-home all the clutter he has in those rooms, or you're binning it. As someone with hoarder tendencies myself, I'm usually strongly against people interfering with other people's belongings, but it's a different matter when it's negatively impacting children.

I agree with others. I think a sensible deadline of a month to clear all the clutter in the children’s bedrooms would be reasonable. Every item in those rooms removed from the house - sold, dumped or charity shopped. The goal to be money “made” to be used by you to buy some toys - eBay / charity shops have great second hand toys. Then another 2 weeks to clear the play house. That will bring you to mid March. We sometimes have a few days of very warm weather in late March so the playhouse needs to be clear by then. These areas belong to your children, not him. Then tackle the rest of the house with more deadlines.

If he refuses or doesn’t fulfill the challenge, I would get a house clearance company to take every last item. As others have pointed out, your children’s safety and mental health is at stake.

Longer term, can he get a decent shed in the garden? All items to be stored and up cycled in there. Perhaps the proceeds from the sale of everything would offset some of the costs. The idea being to get this to become a manageable hobby rather than hoarding.

He definitely has a problem in my (non professional) opinion from what you’ve described. Perhaps he will appreciate the help if you can pitch it as getting your home and lives back. If he doesn’t, sadly, I do agree with others, you can’t go on like this.

If he won't consider changing then you have to think about leaving him

i'd leave him OP. As pps said, it's a mental health issue, and it won't go away. There was once a thread on here with (now grown up) children of hoarders, and I remember how utterly miserable it made them.

It won't just go away on its own, and he doesn't even appear to recognise he has a problem.

My family are hoarders and it wasn't until I went to uni I realised how bad it was.
I had chats with my parents over the years and used my leave to come and help them sort and get rid of things. I had nightmares about there being a fire and them all going because they couldn't get out.
Last April, this nearly happened - the cooker started a huge fire and within a couple of minutes the house was an inferno, my parents, sisters and pets all got out OK but our family home was gone. They were so lucky to even get things sorted with the insurance as this was a dodgy cooker but the sheer amount of stuff was basically kindling.
I wish I'd been firmer sooner and I really don't dispute hoarding is a mental health problem but these horrible things happen and not everyone is as lucky.

I couldn’t live with this. I’d have to split up.

The fire risk might be worth bringing up with him. Our local fire service will come out and do a fire safety check. Could you arrange for that, ideally when he's home? Maybe he'll listen to someone telling him he's putting his children's lives at risk.