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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wish my husband wasn't a hoarder?

108 replies

rightiothen · 29/01/2020 20:37

I've put up with it for years and it's just become part of the fabric of our lives, but recent events have made me realize how much it's pissing me off.

Married 8 years, 2 young children. DS 5 and DD 3, I would like to have another and I think the house is big enough for a family of 5 (3 bed so 2 DC would share) except he uses all of the bedrooms to store his shit in. When we first got together he was big on what he calls "flipping", where you buy stuff from the charity shop that you think may be valuable and sell it off. Granted, some months be brings home a couple of hundred from it (alongside his full time job) but a lot of the stuff he just struggles to sell and it has accumulated in our house. Also when we first got together it was stuff like ornamets etc but now it's big pieces of furniture. The house isn't that big as it is, it's a new build council house but if we decorated right we could utilize the space. It's not at the point where we can't see the floor or windows, but it's progressively getting worse and if it carries on we will get to that point. It makes me sad because we were very very lucky getting this house (small estate in nice area, lovely big front and back garden though it is now filled with shit) and I would love to properly decorate it so we can appreciate it but I can't. It's still got the basic white coat of paint that it had when we moved in 4 years ago which is now chipping away. All of the other houses in the culdesac are done up lovely, and recently when the councilman came round to look at an issue with the sink he described our home as "One of the most eccentric houses I've ever seen."

The kids barely have any toys in their room because his crap is everywhere. Ds's room is home to some piles of old, smelly stained books from the 1900s. A "vintage" camera, an old room divider (which DH claims is special because it was made in Korea in 1930..) and lots of other things. DD's room is home to some tatty wearing furniture from decades ago that IMO should really be in the skip, it's all falling apart. Our room gets the worst of it, I'm not even going to list it as I'd be going on forever. Lets just say the only functional thing in there is our bed. Oh, and the kids garden playhouse which was a gift from my father is full of it as well. It's clear I'm not the only person who doesn't want this stuff as no matter how much he puts it on EBay it just won't shift, but he refuses to get rid of any of it. I'd post pictures if I wasn't so embarrassed.

While he's been at work I've tried to shift some of it a few times, but he'll come home and be horrified and put it all back. We've had many a row over it. I feel sorry for the DC because it's not a normal or even safe environment for them. We had a huge 1950's mirror sitting on the floor in the dining room which DS cut his hand on a while ago resulting in an A&E visit. Thankfully over that incident the mirror went straight to the tip despite DH whinging. I wish DH would give it all up but he won't, his whole life outside of work revolves around it. It's his entire social life, he has mates who we met years ago at car boot sales and they'll come round once a week and they'll all compare their latest finds while drinking beer.

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do, but my friends and family don't seem to see it as a big issue because in other aspects he's a good husband and dad. It's making me depressed, my home doesn't feel like somewhere I can relax. I've seriously considered leaving him over it because I feel like he doesn't take my opinions into account, I've been described to his other hoarder mates as "high maintenance" and "OCD" just because I don't like the house being filled with dangerous crap.

OP posts:
TriangularRatbag · 31/01/2020 20:12

He has two options. They both involve his hoard leaving the premises permanently. The second one involves him going with it.

LisBethSalander07 · 31/01/2020 20:27

A man who fills their childrens rooms with dirty smelly old crap and leaves them no room for toys is NOT a good father.

He's a selfish prick who has a very passive wife that allows it.

StylishMummy · 31/01/2020 21:01

How have previous conversations gone OP?

Aliceinwanderland · 31/01/2020 21:04

Tell him to rent a storage unit and to .move his stuff into it. Be prepared for some emotional fall out afterwards though.

RubyandMax · 31/01/2020 21:09

This situation really isn't fair for your children!

Either it all goes in a storage unit/garage
Or all to the dump
Or he leaves with all his crap

deste · 31/01/2020 21:32

I was also going to suggest auction rooms. It gets the stuff out of the house and it usually sells eventually.

contentedsoul · 31/01/2020 23:03

I'm embarrassed to admit, but I'm a little like this. However, I've realised what I've become and over the past 2-3yrs its all started to go. Still have a fair way, but hopefully this year should see it all gone.
The upside is that I raised 15K 2yrs ago from a major ebay purge, the reason was Brexit...the doom and gloom stories made me realise I didn't want ANY debt.
It's frightening how quick stuff accumulates. Ebay is/was my main source of acquiring stuff.....too easy....click, pay and it turns up. The boxes and bubblewrap were saved for future sells. But empty boxes and bubblewrap gobbles space.
I spent a lot of time reading about hoaders and recognised a lot of the comments that were made. However, I left my forties last year and that was the wake up call. Life isn't a rehearsal, and sadly we only get the one. With that in mind I've decided I don't have the time left to waste it trying to raise a few hundred quid. So, I've gone the other way totally I'm now gunning for the minimalist look. Most is going to charity or friends. Anything that can get above £40 after fees is being listed on ebay - but only when they offer me the £1 per listing 0 otherwise its too expensive.

The tragedy is that your husband wont act, regardless how much you nag...he has to eventually realise that this stuff owns him, it dictates how he and his family live. And that's the bottom line!! The stuff now owns him. Once you realise that, you then view it all in a completely different perspective.

Myshitisreal · 06/02/2020 20:55

Hi op hope you've been making good progress 🤞

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