To keep my married name after divorce?

[Lifeonmars77]

Truth be known I just can't be arsed with the hassle of changing it back everywhere at the moment, explaining to the DC why mummy has changed her name etc. Plus my maiden name is two more syllables and has to be spelt out EVERY time, whereas my married name is a lot simpler and shorter. It's been a very messy breakup from a controlling narcissistic bully and my keeping his family name would infuriate him and his toxic witch of a mother (not that that would be the main reason as I'm not quite that petty )

I'd probably consider changing it one day when I can be arsed and when the children are older but at the moment my family think I'm nuts... they way they are carrying on, you'd think I was changing it to Hitler, Trump or Weinstein!

Registrars. Why does autocorrect sprinkle apostrophes like confetti?!

I kept my first husbands name until I married again ... no need to change your name back if you don’t want to

My MIL did, it wasn't just her married name, it was the name of her children...she was a teacher so didn't want to change it at work either.

I understand why people keep their names the same on divorce- particularly if they have DC.

My friends ex tried to get her to go back to her maiden name. She agreed on the proviso that he would let the DC change their names too - or double barrel them. Which he wouldn't.

He was incandescent that she's kept it, when he has wife number 2. But at the rate he's going, there could be 3/4 or more Mrs x by the time he finally pops his Cloggs!

I had my married surname for 16 years and changed it back the minute I could after I split with my ex. I wanted no connection whatsoever to the cheating POS. Totally worth the effort.

And no, no deed poll required, just decree absolute and my birth cert.

I was the idiot that gave my children my maiden name then changed mine when I got married (not to their dad).
I’ve kept my married name professionally and on social media because I can’t be arsed with the drama of telling everyone I’m now divorced, but for school and family things I just use my maiden/children’s name.

Also - it actually feels like MY name. My maiden name is a woman 10 years younger than me. I’ve grown and changed since then.

I don’t plan on divorcing but I would keep mine. Partly because of the children but also in two years I’ll have had this name for half my life. It is who I am.

@HoneyCheesecake

Surely feminism is about choice.

No. Feminism is no more 'about choice' than vegetarianism or socialism or anarchism are 'about choice'. It's a political, ideological belief system (or rather a number of beliefs and systems) that organises on behalf of women's rights and interests.

Here are some starting points if you're interesting in reading more about why feminism is not 'about choice'

Making a choice or taking a stand? Choice feminism, political engagement and the contemporary feminist movement
Rachel Thwaites January 1, 2016 Research Article
doi.org/10.1177/1464700116683657

CHOICE FEMINISM by Meghan Murphy
www.herizons.ca/node/526

Not everything women choose is a feminist choice — as TradWives have proven - Harriet Hall, The Independent
Tuesday 21 January 2020
www.independent.co.uk/voices/tradwives-ww2-feminist-second-wave-housewives-a9295371.html

December 03, 2019
"I Made a Choice! Am I Feminist Enough?"
by Zahra Zulfi
magdalene.co/story/choice-feminism-and-why-its-not-enough

The Failure of “Choice Feminism”
BY AMELIA AYRELAN IUVINO
www.jacobinmag.com/2017/03/i-am-not-feminist-jessa-crispin-review/

Plenty more available if you're genuinely interested.

Much less complicated when there are children involved with that name, saves awkward conversations with them and with border control when travelling alone with them!

My husband did not gift me his name on marriage; I opted to change my name to match his. There were several reasons, one being, to be honest, that that was still the norm getting on for 40 years ago (and there was the old "easier to spell" issue, hey, why not?).

At the time we divorced my name had been the one that matched his for slightly longer than the one I was born with, and as it is an extremely common name it doesn't link me with him in any meaningful sense. So there really didn't seem any point in going through the bother of changing it.

Spiteful? Actually I think it would have been seen as more spiteful to have changed it. Whether XH feels, somewhere down in his fuzzy brain, that I have kept my name the same as his for sentimental reasons, I neither know nor care. I vaguely recollect he may, at one point during the divorce process, have said I would have to change my name, but he spouted so much shit at that time that I can't clearly remember the half of it. In any case he wouldn't have wanted me to; he was just trying to put me off divorcing. Wasn't going to happen.

ScarlettBlaize very interesting links

I've kept mine. It's neater than my maiden name and I want to have the same name as my children. Also I achieved professional success during my marriage and my name's established in sphere where your name is very relevant. It would significantly damage my professional prospects to change it now. I don't love my xh but it was a reasonably amicable split so no bad or toxic memories really.

I divorced in 2005 still have my married name my sister. Said it’s better than my maiden name. Kids have their dads name

Kids have their dads name I have my married name and divorced In 2005

Not planning on changing mine unless I remarry, then I would obviously

Why obviously? The sooner we drop the ridiculous tradition of women taking the man's name on marriage, and the assumption that children take the man's name, the better.

Surely feminism is about choice

Nope, it's about overcoming the patriarchy and the expectation that women take a husband's name is a cornerstone of patriarchy.

My mum kept hers for 10 years after the divorce, it pissed his new wife (other woman) off so much and I’m sure that’s why she did it! Keep it for as long as you want! Especially if it fucks him off 😂

My MIL and FIL divorces after less than 3 years of marriage. Over 30 years and two children by another father (who carry his name) later and she’s still kept her married name.
Her maiden name is beautiful too, I don’t get it

I do like the idea down thread I mentioned of women choosing a completely new name. Of the four I mentioned, two chose an older family name and two chose a name they just liked.

Really helpful thread thanks. I would quite like to go back to my maiden name after divorce but don't want to have a different surname from the kids (esp as they'll have their dad's surname(. Regretting having changed my name somewhat.

Anyone have any suggestions?

I couldn’t wait to change my name back after I divorced the narcissistic bullying arsehole.

Wow thanks so much for all the responses, I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking about keeping my married name. Of all the people I know, only one has ever kept her married name after divorce but then her maiden name (by her own admission) was a bit 'comedy'

My mum kept hers for 10 years after the divorce, it pissed his new wife (other woman) off so much and I’m sure that’s why she did it! Keep it for as long as you want! Especially if it fucks him off 😂

That's so sad, I'm glad I'm not enjoying pissing my ex off. No thoughts are wasted on my ex and why can't they just move on.

If I ever divorced I think I'd keep my name. I've been married for longer than I was single and I feel like mrs Board more than ms maidenname.

@scarlettblaize the indy article you linked said that it is a woman’s prerogative to stay at home and be a housewife or go out and work in whatever profession they want That is what is meant by choice - the prerogative to choose. It is about choice. And where choice isn't possible, because of financial and societal constraints, dealing with the social issues to enable choice for all, not just for women also for every other undermined group.