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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my married name after divorce?

150 replies

Lifeonmars77 · 29/01/2020 18:01

Truth be known I just can't be arsed with the hassle of changing it back everywhere at the moment, explaining to the DC why mummy has changed her name etc. Plus my maiden name is two more syllables and has to be spelt out EVERY time, whereas my married name is a lot simpler and shorter. It's been a very messy breakup from a controlling narcissistic bully and my keeping his family name would infuriate him and his toxic witch of a mother (not that that would be the main reason as I'm not quite that petty Grin)

I'd probably consider changing it one day when I can be arsed and when the children are older but at the moment my family think I'm nuts... they way they are carrying on, you'd think I was changing it to Hitler, Trump or Weinstein!

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 29/01/2020 22:59

I kept it for several years, but after one final wanky thing he did that hurt DD2 beyond bearing, I made the decision and changed my name back. Luckily, I am in Scotland, so none of this deed poll nonsense to contend with. I just informed the DVLA, HMRC, work, bank, doctor etc and it was pretty painless. It didn't cause hassle with the DC either. DD1 wasn't bothered and still has his name. DD2 had already changed her name and obtained a new birth certificate when she turned 16 so she was no longer associated with him.

SecondaryBurnzzz · 29/01/2020 23:07

i didn't change my name when I got married ans became Ms Burnzzz and my DD has my surname as a middle name.

Bouledeneige · 29/01/2020 23:17

I never changed my name when I got married because professionally it was and is my name and reputation. It never caused me problems having a different name to my children and actually my DD has now name changed to include my surname in hers. I'm not entirely sure whether kids would observe a name change that much or at all when other more momentous changes are happening like a parent leaving, no longer sharing a house as a couple, swapping homes, a house being sold or taking holidays separately is going on. Really?

After my divorce I was glad I kept my name and glad not to be labelled like a former possession of my XH. My sister regrets still having her arse of an XH's name. Its loaded with regret.

You should do what ever works for you. Make your own choices as an independent autonomous woman not either to avoid annoyance or cause it. Why? Be you. But it still makes me ask why women still think should transfer their identity from father to husband when they marry. Be you.

Nat6999 · 29/01/2020 23:29

I've been divorced nearly 10 years & I haven't ditched my married name yet. I'm waiting until ds is 18 in 2 years time as he also wishes to change his name to my maiden name, he can't stand his dad's family & has very little contact with his dad.

ScorchioScorchio · 30/01/2020 00:19

On my birthday one year, when we went to a restaurant to celebrate, there were three Mrs 'Burns' at the table - my gran, my mum and my step-mum. Totally normal to us.

ScarlettBlaize · 30/01/2020 00:41

@zsazsajuju The interesting thing is apparently on the marriage name change threads most women on MN have unpronounceable names that they always wanted to change on marriage. Doesn’t seem to apply on divorce though.

Come on now, that's not fair.

There are also a lot of women whose maiden names were just 'totally common and boring' and who couldn't wait to change to their husband's 'more interesting' name.

GrimDamnFanjo · 30/01/2020 01:14

I now know 4 women who changed their surnames completely!

IVflytrap · 30/01/2020 05:53

Luckily, I am in Scotland, so none of this deed poll nonsense to contend with.

You don't actually need a deed poll to change your name for any reason in England or Wales, either. You can decide to go by any name you want, and as long as you can then show proof of use, you can hold bank accounts, driving licences etc in that name.

And if you do want a deed poll (which is literally just a signed declaration), you can fill one in and print it at home for free

There's a lot of misinformation about name changing in this country. I think people can't quite believe that it's that simple, so the idea of paying for a deed poll has become the accepted process by many in recent years. The downside of which is some organisations now ask for a deed poll or other evidence beyond mere "use" even though they technically shouldn't/don't need to.

Fivetillmidnight · 30/01/2020 08:24

No right or wrong here ,

Just as you can choose to change your name on marriage to your husbands, decide to keep your own or him take yours.. on divorce you have the exact same options . Purely personal choice.

Blobby10 · 30/01/2020 08:28

I've kept my ex husband surname but now use Ms instead of Mrs. I too want to have the same surname as my children. never going to marry again but I can't be bothered to go through the faff of changing everything and its just a name. Use my maiden name at work so I guess I could go back to that for everything else.

Chasingsquirrels · 30/01/2020 08:34

SoupDragon
I didn't change mine. It's my name now, I didn't just borrow it.

^^ This.
I changed mine after my 1st marriage, although not immediately.
Kept it after divorce.
Kept it on re-marriage (and subsequent widowhood).

If I did it all again with the mindset I have now I'd never change it in the first place.
But it's my name.

champagneandfromage50 · 30/01/2020 08:37

Apart from the idea that a woman changing her name should have died off when woman got the vote and beyond it seems on this thread that a lot of woman keep jt to piss off there ex. I find it odd that you would change your name to start with but also keep it when your union ends. DC is also an excuse .....

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/01/2020 08:44

@champagneandfromage50 my ex doesn't care that I kept his last name, we get on well.

Nobody "owns" a name. His surname isn't that uncommon so there are probably loads of people in the country with the same surname as him. He doesn't have the monopoly on it.

HoneyCheesecake · 30/01/2020 08:49

My Mum kept her name and to be honest, I think I would have been upset if she didn’t. Especially as my Dad remarried and my ‘step’mum would have had the same name as me.

If I got divorced I would keep my name, I would see it as mine and DD’s name. Plus my maiden name is horrible!

MegaClutterSlut · 30/01/2020 08:51

My mum has kept my dads surname and they divorced about 25 years ago. Just don't think she cba to change it Grin

I probably wouldn't keep my married name. If me and dh were to split that part of my life would be over so I don't think I'd want to keep his name

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/01/2020 08:53

I kept mine as I wanted to have the same name as my children, I did change it when I remarried which felt a bit odd.

atomicblonde30 · 30/01/2020 09:04

I’m the ‘second wife’ and I must say it really annoys me that the ex still uses ‘Mrs Atomic’ as her name, it feels a little like its mine now and not hers.

But then realistically it’s my DSD name so makes sense for her to keep it!

Maybe if she changed to Ms instead of Mrs I wouldn’t feel so uneasy about it? She does enjoy referring to herself as his ‘original and best wifey’ and calls him her husband still which is frustrating.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/01/2020 09:09

@atomicblonde30 she just sounds like an arse. My ex has a partner (they're not married) and to be honest I don't care how she feels about me still having his surname, or if she cares at all. What I choose to call myself is none of her business.

But then I do not call myself Mrs any more, I am Ms. And I would never talk about myself as his "original wifey" Envy

AuntieMarys · 30/01/2020 09:15

I kept my married name when divorced although it wasn't quite the same as my exdh but dcs had my name. My ex had a meltdown "demanding" his name back. I just laughed at him.

atomicblonde30 · 30/01/2020 09:22

@Waxonwaxoff0 I think you might be right! She used her maiden name (school teacher) for all her social media and professional career the entire marriage, she only changed it and started up with the original and best nonsense when she found out about me 😬

It doesn’t help that it’s a foreign and very distinctive name that she professed to always hate until I came on the scene - it’s frustrating as I suspect it’s to get my goat and annoyingly it’s working!

Though I only ever moan behind closed door to my DH, ultimately it’s my DSD name and it was her name before it was mine! So makes sense for her mum to keep it and have the same name for travel etc.

Allergictoironing · 30/01/2020 09:24

My DSis kept her married name when she divorced, partly because she couldn't be arsed to change it back, partly because all her DCs had it, and partly because our family name is a PITA to spell & is always mis-pronounced.

My DSil kept her birth name when she married my DBro, again because she didn't want the hassle and the PITA family name thing - no DCs there, but also she saw no reason to change just because they are married.

SweetpeaOrMarigold · 30/01/2020 09:32

I've kept mine to be the same as my son, but will change when I get married. I don't have any feelings towards my maiden name as its such a long time since I used it. Also in my profession its a huge faff to change it and we intend to get married in the near future if he ever asks me

ScarlettBlaize · 30/01/2020 10:26

@HoneyCheesecake Thu 30-Jan-20 08:49:36
My Mum kept her name and to be honest, I think I would have been upset if she didn’t. Especially as my Dad remarried and my ‘step’mum would have had the same name as me. If I got divorced I would keep my name, I would see it as mine and DD’s name. Plus my maiden name is horrible!

Funny your mum didn't mind it.

Strange how many women can't stand their 'maiden' name.

HoneyCheesecake · 30/01/2020 10:55

**Funny your mum didn't mind it.

Strange how many women can't stand their 'maiden' name.**

Don’t understand why others have a problem with married women wanting to change their name. Surely feminism is about choice.

Yes my Mum doesn’t mind her name, it’s hers and she wouldn’t have wanted to take her maiden name back. I don’t like it as I was bullied about it. Even if I had a maiden name I liked though, I still wouldn’t change it back if I divorced.

NearlyGranny · 30/01/2020 13:13

Lo these many years ago, SiL was married briefly to DH's DB, taking his name. They had one child and parted soon after, divorcing quickly. She found a new partner and embarked on a new family without marrying. When MiL realised her ex DiL was calling the next, unrelated baby by the family name (not even hers originally, of course!) she was incandescent.

I had to point out that ex SiL could call herself and all her children Saxe-Coburg-Gotha if she felt like it, or anything else, including 'our' name and nobody could stop her. I don't think MiL gets it to this day, really.

Names are arbitrary things. In Australia in the early part of the C20th, huge registrations of the indigenous population were carried out and family groups were assigned surnames by the registrar's. Some of these lowlife characters thought it was funny to give a family a name like Hitler. We knew a family called Sambo. Many families changed these names later, of course, but some held on defiantly as evidence of historical prejudice. I admired them for it but I'm not sure I could have done it.