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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep my married name after divorce?

150 replies

Lifeonmars77 · 29/01/2020 18:01

Truth be known I just can't be arsed with the hassle of changing it back everywhere at the moment, explaining to the DC why mummy has changed her name etc. Plus my maiden name is two more syllables and has to be spelt out EVERY time, whereas my married name is a lot simpler and shorter. It's been a very messy breakup from a controlling narcissistic bully and my keeping his family name would infuriate him and his toxic witch of a mother (not that that would be the main reason as I'm not quite that petty )

I'd probably consider changing it one day when I can be arsed and when the children are older but at the moment my family think I'm nuts... they way they are carrying on, you'd think I was changing it to Hitler, Trump or Weinstein!

OP posts:

CherryBlossomPink · 29/01/2020 18:51

I’ve kept mine as it’s part of my identity and is who I have been known as for 20 years. For me to change it back would feel like I was moving backwards in life instead of acknowledging that things move on and the decision to marry was right at the time, but also divorce was right all those years later. (The fact that it pisses off my ex sister in law is just icing on the cake!)

JingsMahBucket · 29/01/2020 18:54

I never bothered changing my last name when I got married last year because hey, guess what? It’s my birth name (not maiden - shudder). Neither my husband nor I wanted to change our names and we just carried on like usual. It was 200% easier to just maintain the status quo of each of us retaining our own birth names. No documents, nothing. If we ever get divorced it’ll be really easy too. Funny that.

FourDecades · 29/01/2020 18:55

l always think mrs married name, after divorce must piss the next woman right off

In my case, if XH and OW get married she will be his 3rd wife

WYP2018 · 29/01/2020 18:56

@Dontdisturbmenow I asked my kids and they very strongly felt they wanted me to keep the same name as them. So I did.

When I get married again I’m changing my name so it will match my youngest’s surname - my other two are older now and not as bothered. Obviously their name will stay the same though!

Not that any of that matters, we are all free to do what suits us best. I did briefly consider making a surname up and starting to use that

littlebirdieblue · 29/01/2020 18:56

I kept my married name because of my children. My parents were shocked I was keeping it, but it wouldn't feel right to not have the same name as my children. Once they are all adults I might think about it, but I've been known by it for 20 years already, so it seems a bit silly to me to change it now.

MakeItRain · 29/01/2020 19:06

I kept mine so I have the same name as my children. It makes travelling abroad easier and I think it's important for them to have the same name. I don't particularly like the name, but I wasnt that attached to my maiden name either really. Sometimes I think I'll change it when the kids are adults but the reality is I probably won't be bothered to do to it.

Oldbutstillgotit · 29/01/2020 19:26

I kept mine because of our DC . DH remarried very quickly and demanded I changed my name. I didn’t. His new wife wrote to me as well saying she was the real Mrs X but I ignored her. I did change my name when I remarried but the DC were older by then .

ALongHardWinter · 29/01/2020 19:28

I have been divorced for nearly 20 years,and have kept my married name. The reasons that I decided to keep it was mainly because my Dd was 11 years old at the time,and I was bit worried about having a different surname to her. I suspected that her school would have started asking awkward questions,and also there was the issue of if we wanted to go abroad,having different surnames on our passports. I'd heard horror stories about being detained by customs officials, questioning whether you were actually mother and daughter. The other reason was that I simply could not be bothered with having to let about 20 different authorities know that I'd changed it.

With hindsight (good old Captain Hindsight!) I sometimes wish that I HAD gone back to my maiden name. Now that my Dd is grown up and married,having the same name as her is no longer an issue,and I have encountered some problems with providing ID in certain situations. I don't drive so don't have a licence,nor do I have a passport any longer as my health is too poor to travel abroad (plus I really couldn't afford it anyway as I live on disability benefits). I've often been told that my birth certificate we would suffice as ID,but only if I went by my maiden name now. So obviously it's no good.

I have debated on several occasions whether to change back to my maiden name. But,apart from the fact that I HATE my maiden name and was glad to get rid of it when I married,I just really wonder whether I can be bothered. Companies such as banks and your local council require so much back up evidence with this sort of thing,I really wonder whether I can be bothered.

Oops! Sorry that was such an essay!

IndieTara · 29/01/2020 19:43

I kept my married name after getting divorced and will probably have that name forever

Mamabear144 · 29/01/2020 19:48

My mam kept her married name to have the same name as myself and my brother, my ds now has the same surname and we say we've made it our own little family name and nothing to do with biological "dad" as he hasn't been around since I was a baby, a name is a name and keeping it for your children or yourself or whatever reason is completely your choice and nothing to do with him.

pigsDOfly · 29/01/2020 19:50

I kept my married name after divorce for a few reasons.

I wanted to have the same name as my children and I think it would have really upset them if we'd had different surnames. It'd had been my name for over 20 years, I was used to it and, well, it was my name, a name I really like and far prefer to my maiden name.

I suppose I did briefly think about changing it but really couldn't be bothered.

I never gave any thought to how it would impact on my exh, one way or the other. I suspect he was quite pleased that I kept it. I've never asked him, and frankly I don't care.

It's a surname, one shared by quite a number of people in various parts of the world. It isn't exclusive to my exh and doesn't belong to him.

ForestYeti · 29/01/2020 19:57

I’m keeping mine but will probably change it once dc are adult age

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 29/01/2020 19:58

I love my children more than I hate my ex husband and I want to have the same name as them. Also if you have a different name to your children you're far more likely to be queried when travelling. When they're adults I will go back to my maiden name.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 29/01/2020 19:59

Oh I am Ms not Mrs. Though I read on a MN thread that going by Ms was "attention seeking" 🤷‍♀️

Can't win no matter what you do.

Babynamechangerr · 29/01/2020 19:59

I would keep my married name if I got divorced, as ultimately its more important for me to share a name with my dc than it is for me to share a name with my parents and siblings.

If I could turn back time to when I got married I think I would hyphenate my maiden and married name and include my maiden name in my dc's, because of this scenario. But I can't turn back time.

I wouldn't ever remarry so it's not relevant if I did meet someone else after a divorce.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 29/01/2020 20:00

There will be far worse things for my ex's next wife to worry about than me still using his name!

That made me smirk. So true!

Catamapella · 29/01/2020 20:02

After I got divorce I didn't want to go back to my maiden name, but I didn't want to keep my married name. I changed my surname to my mum's maiden name and kept my married name as a middle name, as I have a child who has my married name as their surname.

It wasn't that hard to change my name by deed poll, and feels like a fresh start after a horrible end to my marriage. I'm hoping keeping my married name as a middle name will make it easier travelling abroad with my child.

Catamapella · 29/01/2020 20:03

But to answer your question, you're not being unreasonable to keep your married name. You can call yourself whatever you like!

Strugglingtoquit · 29/01/2020 20:05

It’s your name so totally your decision.

My mum kept her married name because she’d had it for longer than she’d had her maiden name, and worked in a local primary school so everyone knew her as Mrs Marriedname.

But it really doesn’t matter what anyone thinks except you. Other people make the choice that’s best for them in their particular circumstances, you make the best choice for you in your circumstances.

saraclara · 29/01/2020 20:10

I don't know anyone who changed their name back after divorce. Keeping their kids' name was more important to them.
So bit unreasonable at all.

saraclara · 29/01/2020 20:11

But= Not

zsazsajuju · 29/01/2020 20:23

I think it’s weird to repeatedly change your name depending on who you are married to. Surely “maiden” name is outdated crap now.

The interesting thing is apparently on the marriage name change threads most women on MN have unpronounceable names that they always wanted to change on marriage. Doesn’t seem to apply on divorce though.

Call yourself Whatever you like. Who you are married to should be irrelevant.

TroysMammy · 29/01/2020 20:26

I kept my married name as I am too lazy and couldn't be bothered with the hassle. I haven't got children either. I was married for 13 years and people I worked with knew me as married name longer than they knew me as my maiden name which was only 4 years. I'm still on good terms with my exh.

altiara · 29/01/2020 20:33

I’d keep my married name. I don’t think of it as my husbands name now, it’s mine!

bsc · 29/01/2020 20:34

@SoupDragon when you say comedy name... Do you mean like Barbara Scarborough (from Market Harborough) or more like Ophelia Bottom?
I was thinking when I divorce I'd go for something a little more out there and noticeable.

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