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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my married name after divorce?

150 replies

Lifeonmars77 · 29/01/2020 18:01

Truth be known I just can't be arsed with the hassle of changing it back everywhere at the moment, explaining to the DC why mummy has changed her name etc. Plus my maiden name is two more syllables and has to be spelt out EVERY time, whereas my married name is a lot simpler and shorter. It's been a very messy breakup from a controlling narcissistic bully and my keeping his family name would infuriate him and his toxic witch of a mother (not that that would be the main reason as I'm not quite that petty Grin)

I'd probably consider changing it one day when I can be arsed and when the children are older but at the moment my family think I'm nuts... they way they are carrying on, you'd think I was changing it to Hitler, Trump or Weinstein!

OP posts:
colouringinpro · 29/01/2020 20:42

I don't know what to do. I've had my married name for nearly half my life. I suspect my kids would prefer me to have the same name as them. If i went back to my maiden name, my ex and the dcs would gave the same surname and me a different one which doesn't feel right. Kinda wish I'd never changed my name...

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/01/2020 20:45

I kept my married name. I don't like my maiden name anyway, it's my dad's surname and I'm NC with him. Plus I wanted to keep the same surname as DS. It's also easier when I take him abroad, having the same surname means we've never been stopped to check permission to travel from DS's dad.

champagneandfromage50 · 29/01/2020 20:48

I never changed my name to start with. Have no idea why woman still do ..... and if I did I would have no hesitation to change it back

Scarlettpixie · 29/01/2020 20:50

I will be keeping my married name when I divorce. I have a 13 yo and prefer us to have the same surname. I don’t really think of it as being my STBX husband’s name. It has been my name for almost 20 years. I am perfectly comfortable with it. I just can’t see the point in going through the process of informing everyone and then having to get used to it. It would feel really strange.

My son and I did get stopped at the airport coming back from the US and was asked if we had the same surname while queuing. Our passports were checked and we were allowed to continue. I imagine if they had been different, we would have been asked more questions. I did have a letter from his dad giving permission to travel but wasn’t asked for it.

His first wife kept his name too and they didn’t have kids. I never gave much thought.

Do what you want OP. Entirely your choice.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 29/01/2020 20:57

My best friend kept her married name on divorce. She didn't get on with her family but was close to her in-laws, so kept it for the link to them. She's now remarried and has double barrelled her old and new married names.

I'm going to do the same when I remarry - in my case my husband died and, apart from my mother in law I'm the only person left with that family name.

MrsExpo · 29/01/2020 21:04

I kept my married name after divorcing DH1 and changed to being Mrs DH2 when I remarried. It was just simpler. I sympathise with pp who say they have to spell their names .... my maiden name was a common and simple-to-spell name (think Smith or Brown) and both my married names have been the type you have to spell every time.

Sotiredofthislife · 29/01/2020 21:06

I think its sad that ex-wives hang onto their married name, and even sadder to keep Mrs!

Sad? You can’t possibly think of any reasons an ex wife might prefer to keep a name she has been known for for possibly 20 plus years? Your lack of empathy is far more sad.

BoxedWine · 29/01/2020 21:13

I don't get why it's sadder to keep a married name and title on divorce than it is to change them on marriage in the first place. Neither of them make any sense to me, but people should just do what they want.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 29/01/2020 21:23

I changed mine back. I love my maiden name (always used it professionally anyway so wasn't that odd to start using everywhere). Kids were 7 and 17 and I gave them the choice (well just informed DS1 really). DS2 didn't give a hoot - said he'd like to be called Steve!

I don't think I have a cloud of stigma around me. My friends are my friends.

Leflic · 29/01/2020 21:35

One of the mums at primary school made a massive fuss when she recieved a letter not addressed to “Mrs ex husband’s name”. I’m friends with her but thought she was being ridiculous, Clearly only so no one would judge her for having a child out of wedlock or something.

I can see why women with stupid names don’t change them but I think it’s a bit odd to change your name for a relationship and keep it when the relationship breaks down. I do think it’s “borrowed” actually.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 29/01/2020 21:40

I did. Mostly because I didn't want a different surname to my daughter.

But also because I couldn't be arsed, am professionally known by my married surname and it really fucked off my ex for years.

RainbowMum11 · 29/01/2020 21:45

I kept my married name because I didn't want a different name to DC.

TheFallenMadonna · 29/01/2020 21:50

My mum kept her first married name when she married her second husband. It's her name.

Chocmallows · 29/01/2020 21:52

OP it's your name for you to keep or bin. That's the great part of divorce, you can make far more choices sounds like your ex was a twat like mine was

AgeOfDragons · 29/01/2020 22:11

My ex husband didn't tell his parents we were married after lots of begging on my end, when we split i changed my name on FB to my married name and kept it for 4 years til after the divorce went through.

His family saw it and commented like "errrm... your name ISN'T Jones what are you doing". I was like i think you'll find it is!

I didn't feel any connection to my maiden name due to family issues so wasn't fussed about changing it back. It was petty but kinda worth it considering i had to pay for the wedding (and lose my sanity).

My DM has kept hers for 26 years even thought they're divorced and my DF has remarried. So there are two Mrs "Hilton"s to the same man!

NearlyGranny · 29/01/2020 22:15

You know what, OP? If he and his extended family really don't like having the same name as you, they are perfectly entitled to change their name(s)!

Let them have some of the trouble. I hear Saytan-Sporne is available... 😉

toomanyleggings · 29/01/2020 22:16

I kept mine until I married again. I wanted the same name as my dc so kept it. When I got married again I double barrelled my dc'd name but have pretty much dropped the first married name for my dc now

MargotB7 · 29/01/2020 22:31

I would do it to be the same surname as my children but to do it to annoy my ex seems a bit childish and shouts you still care what he thinks. I would hate to be that bitter, even if he had been a twat I wouldn't give him that satisfaction of being bothered.

2020newme · 29/01/2020 22:34

Most women who have DC keep the married name as otherwise it can cause issues when travelling abroad, plus it's nice to have the same name as them.

When I divorced the first time I had no children and changed back to maiden name immediately, but I was still in my 20s. XH number 2 I had 2 DC and a national professional reputation to uphold. Plus I just couldn't be arsed Grin so I am still Ms XH2. I hear XH2 new wife is furious about it which is pathetic because it is a widely used name,like Wilson. Actually that's another issue, I always had to spell out my maiden name and people still got it wrong. The name I have now people understand and get right first time.

CheesePleaseLoueese · 29/01/2020 22:39

No OP YANBU.

However I would love to see a time where no woman feels the need (or even "desire") to change her surname on marriage and this problem falls away entirely...

NemosPoorlyFinn · 29/01/2020 22:41

My DM still goes by her married name (been divorced nearly 10 years)
She said she's not changing it because she knows it would piss my "dad" off
I changed my surname to DM maiden name a month before my son was born
So me and my DS go by my DM maiden name
I also wanted to carry the name on as my maternal DGD had no DS just 4 DD
So DGD surname would of finished with him so to speak

SD1978 · 29/01/2020 22:46

Kept mine for children's sake- couldn't give a shit if he objects or not, I never asked. When she's older I may change it back, but right now I'll keep it as is.

Dowser · 29/01/2020 22:53

I’d been known by my married name for 33 years, longer than my single name.
I really couldn’t be arsed to change everything either.
Even though I’ve remarried I’m still mrs first husbands name.

katseyes7 · 29/01/2020 22:55

TheWernethWife l'm the same! l liked my married name much better than my maiden name. My maiden name always got misheard on the phone, too.

Dowser · 29/01/2020 22:57

Age of dragons

My DM has kept hers for 26 years even thought they're divorced and my DF has remarried. So there are two Mrs "Hilton"s to the same man!

My exh remarried and she didn’t use his name, Eventhough I still carried on using it..I’ve been that name now for 45 years

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