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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to tell my MIL I’m pregnant?

141 replies

nsav · 28/01/2020 19:31

I’m 20 and DP is 24. This might make us sound like babies, but I work full time in a good job and am about to finish my HNC and start uni. He has a very successful business and even has people who work for him. We have also just bought our first house - 3 bed semi detached (very proud of us!) We've been together for 2 years.

Move in date is 21/02 to the new house and we are currently staying in the annexe of MILs house and paying her rent. She had 3 other young kids besides my partner - she had DP as a teen.

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and have told my work (nature of job) and my family. We have not told MIL yet because she wants me to be ‘32 with a degree and have travelled the world first’ she also says DP would be a ‘terrible dad’ and says all these awful things about how much she hates kids.

At age 16, I was raped. At age 17, I had a septic pregnancy and by the age of 19 I had lost 3 babies (1 septic 2 chemicals) and was being treated for endometriosis after finding abnormal cells and a large cyst on an ovary, the can’t see my other ovary. This baby news was absolutely amazing albeit a total shock!! We are excited for baby to come in July but honestly the thought of having to tell her makes me feel extremely unwell and the mental health nurse even feels sorry for me!

Tonight MIL was going on about how much she hates liars and people who hide things from her. There’s no way someone has told her about baby as people I’ve told are sworn to secrecy. She surely must know she’s had 4 pregnancies herself and isn’t stupid but why would you say such horrible things if you knew I was expecting?

AIBU to be scared to tell her?

OP posts:
katy1213 · 28/01/2020 19:38

She doesn't have an automatic right to know. So don't tell her until you're ready. Only three weeks before you're in your own place, anyway.

GreenTulips · 28/01/2020 19:41

Wait til you move house

Then let DP brake the news.

Hide

NoSauce · 28/01/2020 19:42

Get your partner to tell her once you’ve moved out.

LilQueenie · 28/01/2020 19:45

don't tell her until you are settled in your home and above all limit the time you around her. Be sure your dp is on the same page as you with this.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/01/2020 19:48

I think by your moving in date it'll be obvious that you're pregnant.

I'd rip the plaster off now personally. She sounds like a complete nightmare but I can't imagine you'll be able to escape her.

rottiemum88 · 28/01/2020 19:48

Agree with everyone else, get DP to go back and tell her once you've moved. If she reacts badly, it's an easy choice to reduce/eliminate contact with her and you'll likely have an easier life Thanks

MangoM · 28/01/2020 19:59

I think it's best to get it over and done with. Otherwise it'll be a stress that'll hanging over you until you do.

But once it's done, I'd keep contact at minimal as possible. She sounds awful, and you're best staying away from all that negativity.

Congratulations by the way!

RuggerHug · 28/01/2020 20:01

Say nothing until you're moved in. If she says you should have said earlier (even though it's none of her business) you can simply say due to previous health reasons you weren't telling anyone until a certain date.

Congratulations!

NYCDreaming · 28/01/2020 20:06

You don't need to tell her until you're ready, and it sounds like it would be for the best if you could keep the information quiet until after you move out.

Tonight MIL was going on about how much she hates liars and people who hide things from her.

This makes me think that she knows - if you absolutely trust everybody you've told, could she have found out another way? Maybe she has overheard something, found some paperwork, seen you outside the hospital or just seen you at the right angle and has worked it out? If she does confront you about it then you can tell her that you weren't ready to tell her because you weren't sure how she'd react.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way, and your upcoming move!

frickinlaserbeams · 28/01/2020 20:11

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Flowers

You've been through such a lot at your young age and you've achieved a lot too. You don't sound like babies at all, and you should be really proud of yourself and your DP.

There are pros and cons to both options. If you tell her now, you can pretend you've only just found out and would never dream of keeping things from her yada yada, but then you will also have to deal with her 24/7 for the next few weeks. If you wait until you've moved out, you don't have to deal with her and can feel free to set firmer boundaries, but she might also react worse because you've waited to tell her, or she might figure it out on her own.

Either way I think you need to be polite but firm if she tries with any of the nasty comments (saying your DP would be a terrible dad? Wow).

If you're still in her house you can say things like,

  • "I understand where you're coming from but this is the decision we've made, and we're delighted! We're hoping you'll be happy for us and happy to be a grandma"
  • "Actually, we've got everything under control financially"
  • "Why would you say that about your son? I think he'll be a wonderful father" etc.

If you're in your own house, you can be as firm as you like, up to and including asking her to leave if she gets nasty. Personally I would go for that option!

Waveysnail · 28/01/2020 20:15

I'd worry more about making sure your secure financially if your not married than worrying about mil. Hopefully your kn the mortgage.

Original poster
nsav · 28/01/2020 20:17

We are both joint on the mortgage and have life insurance as well as buildings and contents insurance and wills in place :) this isn’t the advice I was asking for though but thanks for the input :)

OP posts:
Dragonembroidery · 28/01/2020 20:18

Congratulations on your pregnancy and your baby.
Also on your 3 bed house at your age. Bloody well done!

Re baby it may be before your schedule but is a massive blessing. You'll be thrilled with baby once s/he arrives and it seems a miracle considering your health. Could have been unable to have babies. Baby is a real blessing x
Mil would be spectacularly messed up to object. Also mil would be hypocritical. She had baby as a teen. How did her mil react? Your dp parental grandma.

Original poster
nsav · 28/01/2020 20:19

Thank you everyone so far for these comments. They’re really great and put them both into perspective. I am 5’10 and was only 56kg at time of conception and have now gained 3kg+ (crazy! But no longer underweight) so I am starting to show quite a bit. Thankfully I got a new dressing gown for Christmas so I always wear that. Prior to this I’d always wear one anyway so it doesn’t look suspicious haha!

OP posts:
legalseagull · 28/01/2020 20:19

Wait until you move out and tell her that you were waiting until the 20 week scan before telling anyone

missymousey · 28/01/2020 20:19

You sound amazing, to have been through that and achieved so much while so young. And apart from your MIL issue, it sounds like you and your DP are very sorted - congratulations and I hope it all goes well for you!

Original poster
nsav · 28/01/2020 20:20

His granny also had her at 17 so she can’t have been angry. She found out when mil was 7 months pregnant via a hospital letter that she opened. However she had just finished school and was living at home while working part time - so a very different situation. She actually planned the pregnancy so she could move out LG her house. Weird!

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 28/01/2020 20:21

Definitely wait unto you move. Enjoy your baby.

Urkiddingright · 28/01/2020 20:23

Some people wait until the 20 week scan to tell people. You have the advantage of it being winter so easy to cover the bump with baggy jumpers and since it’s your first baby you might not show for a while anyway with any luck. With that in mind, I’d probably wait three weeks till you have moved.

Dragonembroidery · 28/01/2020 20:23

Also v old fashioned advice but I've learnt from mn, and my own skint existence:
GET MARRIED.
It massively protects you. No need for big expensive one.

Don't let mil affect or bully you. You and dp and baby are your own family now. You call the shots.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 28/01/2020 20:25

If you can hold on, wait until you’ve moved out. She’ll still disapprove, but at least she’ll be doing it from a distance! Good luck Smile

TheBigFatMermaid · 28/01/2020 20:26

You tell her when you are good and ready to tell her, not before!

It is your business from the beginning to the end!

Original poster
nsav · 28/01/2020 20:27

I didn’t think to wait until 20 week scan such a good idea and gives a reason to it too.

We will definitely be getting married - it’ll just be eloping because a traditional wedding is not my style 😅 - but I agree for the legal part of it and how much you’re covered it’s so worth it! Thanks everyone so far for the advice :)

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 28/01/2020 20:28

Look i was terrified to tell my DSM despite being 32, engaged, home owner, in same job for 5 years etc etc. My fiancé told everyone (including her) at a lunch party with an announcement because he knew I was shitting bricks!

DartmoorDoughnut · 28/01/2020 20:29

Congratulations Smile just tell her after the 20 week scan with a scan pic. Job done. It’s not a secret/lie it’s your news to tell when you want to tell it.