To not want to tell my MIL I’m pregnant?

[nsav]

I’m 20 and DP is 24. This might make us sound like babies, but I work full time in a good job and am about to finish my HNC and start uni. He has a very successful business and even has people who work for him. We have also just bought our first house - 3 bed semi detached (very proud of us!) We've been together for 2 years.

Move in date is 21/02 to the new house and we are currently staying in the annexe of MILs house and paying her rent. She had 3 other young kids besides my partner - she had DP as a teen.

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and have told my work (nature of job) and my family. We have not told MIL yet because she wants me to be ‘32 with a degree and have travelled the world first’ she also says DP would be a ‘terrible dad’ and says all these awful things about how much she hates kids.

At age 16, I was raped. At age 17, I had a septic pregnancy and by the age of 19 I had lost 3 babies (1 septic 2 chemicals) and was being treated for endometriosis after finding abnormal cells and a large cyst on an ovary, the can’t see my other ovary. This baby news was absolutely amazing albeit a total shock!! We are excited for baby to come in July but honestly the thought of having to tell her makes me feel extremely unwell and the mental health nurse even feels sorry for me!

Tonight MIL was going on about how much she hates liars and people who hide things from her. There’s no way someone has told her about baby as people I’ve told are sworn to secrecy. She surely must know she’s had 4 pregnancies herself and isn’t stupid but why would you say such horrible things if you knew I was expecting?

AIBU to be scared to tell her?

It’s not uncommon not to tell people until after the 20 week scan.
Rather than send your DH scurrying over as soon as you’ve left the house, just tell her after the scan as if that was always the plan. Tell it as the good news it is. If you can’t face her, you or DH give her a ring ... “I’m ringing with some big news!.... You are going to be a grandma! We had the anomaly scan today!”
I reckon someone has let the cat out of the bag though. If she asks if anyone else knows, just say a couple of people guessed, but you wanted to wait until this scan was over to tell people.

she knows. shes testing you

move out first and then tell her. then hide.

how far away is the new house? 50 miles? 100?

We’re only moving 4 miles away 😌 and I can’t think of anyone that could’ve told her. Nobody at my work knows her and it’s just my mum, granny, and my closest friends know. I really hope I’m calm during this time and don’t say ‘well we didn’t want to tell you because you hate kids so much’ but I feel my mouth is going to get away from me if she reacts badly. I also will feel really stupid if she’s really excited in the end and I’m worked up for no reason...

Doesn't matter if her reaction is a good one. She still state she hates kids and puts your dp down.

I wouldn’t tell her. When she works it out for herself then tell her she’s not interested in children, so what was the point of telling her !?

She knows anyway. I bet she's been looking for your stuff.
There i no way she'd just start talking about keeping secrets etc, out of context.

Let your other half tell her on his own once you've moved out, she sounds like hard work, I'd keep it polite but distant once you are in your own home. It does sound like she's worked it out somehow. It's your life anyway...enjoy it and congratulations!

I think I’d wait until the 20 week scan, and tell her then, as a pp says, it’ll look as though this was the plan all along then.
As an aside, you sound like you’ve got your head screwed on, especially for 20. Congratulations

She probably already knows. It’s very hard to keep it a secret when you live with them. Just tell her, or get your DP to tell her and go stay at your mums for the night so you don’t have to listen to her.

She knows.

She was obviously being very passive aggressive and trying to make you feel shit. What a joy she is!

By saying things like you should travel and see the world etc It sounds like that she regrets having a baby so young even though she planned the pregnancy,

What happened to dp father? Did he turn out to be useless ?

Get your partner to tell her once you’ve moved out.

This. Congrats!

Unfortunately people become bitter by choices that they made at a young age, and they don't understand that others may not want the same things that they wanted. She clearly regrets her choice and doesn't want you to make the same choice and 'ruin' your life. Unfortunately I can't tell from your writing if your MIL is the type of person to throw you out of the house or disown you / or DP. If she is then do what's best for the kid, which is to put up / shut up / then move then tell. If however you know that she may disapprove but won't cause you a lot of stress, then tell her, because the stress that you are going through by not telling her could be worse.
Obviously please remember to yourself that your hormones are going to be all out of wack and your anxiety (if you suffer from it) could really be the thing which is making you think she knows, rather than her actually knowing.

She knows.. say nothing until you've safely moved out..

you owe nobody an explanation about the choices you make OP.. and please take good care of yourself and baby..

At 15 weeks, my daughter was fairly obviously pregnant. You might think you're not showing, but I bet you are and that she's noticed.

I think waiting another 3-5 weeks is foolish because a) you're definitely going to show and b) you will be opening yourself up to accusations of deceitfulness. 15 weeks is a sensible time to tell people. You can justify having waited until then. Waiting until 20 weeks is very uncommon so harder to explain.

And to be fair to the woman, she's given you somewhere to live. Doesn't she deserve better?

I think you're being a bit immature to be honest. If you're old enough to have a baby, you're old enough to be open about this, rather than running away and then lobbing that news at her from a safe distance. You're both being a bit cowardly. Show her that you're more mature than that.

she wants me to be ‘32 with a degree and have travelled the world first’
Sod what she wants it's what you and your partner want!

You're buying a house with someone you've only been with for two years? I've had coats longer than that....

Personally, I'd wait until you've had your 20 week scan. She doesn't need to know before then, and post 20 weeks is generally considered a safer time compared to the first few months of pregnancy.

It's not up to her though. You can do what you like as adults. You obviously have always wanted to become a parent young, by your number of previous pregnancies, and that's yours & his choice entirely.

‘ she wants me to be ‘32 with a degree and have travelled the world first’ - it’s not her life or her decision. You having a baby does not affect her, at all.
Your life doesn’t stop when you have a child either, you can still do all the things you wanted to do previously.

I would tell her personally. If she kicks off it’s a good time to get rid of her out of your lives before she effects your LOs life.
Congratulations btw!

Yep, she knows alright. Just tell her (and book the registry office pronto). Why bother eloping, you’re pregnant and homeowners.

You have bigger problems to worry about in your life other than your MIl. How will you be going to university when you have just had a baby? Will you be able to pay for your mortgage if you drop your hours for childcare? Stop making an issue where there isn't one.

@saraclara the annexe we live in my DP built with his own hands then wired it (electrician) and we pay our electricity, rent, he pays the broadband, and we buy all our own food, so it’s not really like I owe her anything for us staying here when he built the place we are currently staying in.

I don’t have parents as they were physically abusive but I have emailed them and told them as they are aware of my previous losses. She is the only real hope my child has for a grandmother and still she’s not pleasant but I would trust her to look after our child. I just think the constant digs at us calling DP a terrible person and that he’s a terrible dad. She also believes that depression isn’t real and if you just got up off your lazy arse you’d be fine - I suffered severe depression and was suicidal after my first loss and I now have nightmares that I’ve lost baby and I’m covered in blood so the thought of what she’ll say to finding out we’re expecting actually makes me shiver.

@orangelindt Open Learning through my university, I work 3 12 hour shifts a week which is full time hours and will have 4 days off a week, I can pick these hours and do 6 hour shifts if need be - if I go back to work after having the baby. My mortgage is fine but this, again, isn’t what I was asking for advice about! I did one year on an accounting and business degree before switching careers so I my partner and I do not need to worry as we are financially stable.

I agree that she knows. By 15 weeks it can be quite noticeable and some people have an instinct for these things and just know.
I'd tell her to be honest. You don't have to accept any negative comments - I think she's probably just wanting you not to be tied down too young and to have the freedom that she didn't have.
Better to tell her than have her ask you outright.

Thank you to everyone for their kind comments so far. This has put me at ease!

As for the people offering financial advice... stop! We are more than financially stable and if for some reason I do not go back to work - which I will as it’s compressed hours - I will work for my partners company for a few years while looking after our baby. My partner picks and chooses his hours to work and will be working from our home in an office. Thanks anyway for the concern!

Keep out of her way for the next 3 weeks. If you have a separate entrance to the annexe and are paying rent she doesn't have a right to walk in unannounced so hang out there as much as you can. Visit friends on your days out to get yourself out and about so she doesn't see as much of you. Then once you move in you can decide when to tell her. She sounds like a right cow.