To not want to tell my MIL I’m pregnant?

[nsav]

I’m 20 and DP is 24. This might make us sound like babies, but I work full time in a good job and am about to finish my HNC and start uni. He has a very successful business and even has people who work for him. We have also just bought our first house - 3 bed semi detached (very proud of us!) We've been together for 2 years.

Move in date is 21/02 to the new house and we are currently staying in the annexe of MILs house and paying her rent. She had 3 other young kids besides my partner - she had DP as a teen.

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and have told my work (nature of job) and my family. We have not told MIL yet because she wants me to be ‘32 with a degree and have travelled the world first’ she also says DP would be a ‘terrible dad’ and says all these awful things about how much she hates kids.

At age 16, I was raped. At age 17, I had a septic pregnancy and by the age of 19 I had lost 3 babies (1 septic 2 chemicals) and was being treated for endometriosis after finding abnormal cells and a large cyst on an ovary, the can’t see my other ovary. This baby news was absolutely amazing albeit a total shock!! We are excited for baby to come in July but honestly the thought of having to tell her makes me feel extremely unwell and the mental health nurse even feels sorry for me!

Tonight MIL was going on about how much she hates liars and people who hide things from her. There’s no way someone has told her about baby as people I’ve told are sworn to secrecy. She surely must know she’s had 4 pregnancies herself and isn’t stupid but why would you say such horrible things if you knew I was expecting?

AIBU to be scared to tell her?

Cross posted with you OP. At least if she's negative about it, you have your own annexe and don't have to see her much.

Get her to come and checkout your new oven and leave a bun in there

You have achieved the most immense amount, OP, and should be proud of yourself. And no, I wouldn't tell your MIL until you want to/have to, either. She sounds pretty poisonous.

And I know you don't want advice on this score, and I know you have said that you are going to get married ... but get married. I would have been absolutely stuffed if XH and I hadn't married (and so, by extension, would our DC).

I hate weddings and fuss. We got married with two random witnesses. It cost £60 for the licence. 25 years and a divorce later, I can tell you that it was £60 very well spent.

"so it’s not really like I owe her anything for us staying here"

You seem really judgemental towards her and she didn't have to let you stay. Or did it not save you any money?

The "degree and travelled the world" is the benefit of hindsight. Our generation didn't have the opportunities yours does and we are just trying to impart a bit of wisdom.

Most older women would tell younger women that their 20's ideally should be about finding out who they are and having fun.

I had my first at 18. I don't regret it, but I can see why I was advised to wait and live a bit. I also was happy with my DH and we owned a house.

You want the best life experience for your children.

However it's your life and you need to start being firm with her and telling her that you don't appreciate her input or opinion.

She will have to know sooner or later.

Get your partner to talk to her gently, without giving away too much about you he can perhaps put it to his mother that this baby is something of a miracle and much wanted, also that you are a bit scared to tell her because it wasn't what she envisaged for the pair of you.

I think she will soften.

Well done you two for achieving so much so young. If either of you were my child I'd be will chuffed.

she wants me to be ‘32 with a degree and have travelled the world first'*

I think that's the advice that pretty much every parent would give their offspring. Nothing to hold against her there.
And of course, if she sees that her life could have been better had she not had her first so very young, she's obviously going to feel strongly. I wouldn't blame her for that either.

@Ponoka7 nope it’s probably more expensive living there than it is a 1 bed flat as her children eat all our food (I work 12 hour shifts so I usually will buy chocolate cereal, nice chocolate or biscuits etc to get me through it) and the kids eat actually everything and she lets them - we put most stuff in our room but obviously lots of things doesn’t make sense to be there. We are the taxis for the children and will ferry them to friends houses and back as it’s a rural area. I do all our washing for us, it’s about £350 rent for us to stay there and we’re spending literally £200+ on food due to the kids eating it all all the time. We also pay broadband and half of the £200 electricity bill. Housing here is cheap for example our 9 year old 3 bed semi detached house was only £130k and it came with all integrated appliances etc - a house id expect to go for £200k+ down south (not bragging just lucky) after all our outgoings we aren’t much better or worse off in our own home as our mortgage isn’t a whole lot more than £400 a month (woohoo for interest rates). I get what you mean but she’s literally only 40 years old - that’s really young in my opinion! We have also done a fair bit of travelling and we put this at the forefront of our expenditure so no takeaways and scouring the internet for good deals (for hindsight I was forced to grow up at a young age and had my own flat at 16 so am a bit more ‘experienced’ than my friends at age 20) sorry to sound bigheaded here but think I’m a unique case 🤣 we are not long back from Morocco and Holland and we plan to go on an overnight trip to Paris before the baby is born. Thank you for the nice no-judgey advice and I do get where she’s coming from. It’s been my absolute dream to be a mum and to have that snatched off of me 3 times but now I’ve had the chance of having a baby... I’d give up everything for him/her

I would hold on until you move out and then break the news. Sod what she says about anything and price her wrong.

I had my children very young. I am now in my 30s but I am suffering from infertility.

I would just wait until you move then tell her

Don’t ever tell her. When she confronts you, just tell her sweetly you knew she wouldn’t be happy, therefore you saw no point in telling her.
Set your boundaries. She’s nice, you’re nice.

I think when women who had a child very young, give advice like “wait until you’re 32 and have a degree”, it doesn’t mean that they regret having their child, but that they are imagining what it would have been like to have had that child when they were a bit older, even though logically the child wouldn’t exist if they had. I think she has both of your best interests at heart.

Goodness me, don’t tell her, move into your new house ASAP and stop paying for her kids! Stop ferrying them round, this is not your job, it’s hers. I bet she kicks off because she’ll be losing your food and taxi services more than you’re pregnant.

I think when women who had a child very young, give advice like “wait until you’re 32 and have a degree”, it doesn’t mean that they regret having their child, but that they are imagining what it would have been like to have had that child when they were a bit older, even though logically the child wouldn’t exist if they had. I think she has both of your best interests at heart.

I think you ought to consider this as a possibility.

She could well be projecting what she wishes she'd done when talking about you waiting until your 30's.

I know it must be daunting when considering how/when to tell her.

It's not just fear of her reaction I suspect, but also the potential of having someone pour cold water over an announcement that you and your DP are happy and excited by. In that regard it's tempting to keep it a secret for as long as possible to stay in your happy bubble.

I've thought quite hard about this and overall I think telling her sooner rather than later is best.

My rationale is that if she is really disappointed (and will articulate this) then she will be so whenever you tell her.

On the other hand, even if it's not what she would have chosen for you and your DP but when confronted with the knowledge of an imminent grandchild she might surprise you and any issues/anger might stem from being kept out of the loop.

I think it might be possible to wait for your 20 week scan and say you both (white lie) had agreed not to tell anyone before that (which if she has guessed gives a good reason for not telling her before) - if she knows your medical history (it's not clear if she does from your posts) then that adds further legitimacy to this explanation.

I wouldn't however wait until you move out.

You're very slim from what you've posted and your pregnancy may be far more obvious than you realise and will only become more so.

The last thing you want is to be put on the spot and either have to lie or tell her whilst feeling on the back foot.

So overall I see little reason in waiting to tell her now to be honest but the latest would be the scan.

Finally, congratulations on your pregnancy and yes you both might be young but you sound like you've both done well for yourselves and seem to have a very clear set of goals/ambitions/work ethic beyond your years which is to be admired

So only your mum, granny and closest friends know?? But you then say “I don’t have parents as they were physically abusive but I have emailed them and told them.”

I really think you are being incredibly unfair, to have told all these people, including you’re abusive parents, but not tell the person you are living with!

@nsav And who owns the land the property is sat on?

@Cantwaitforsummer2020 they pay rent. It's exactly the same as if they were privately renting - they'd be under no obligation to tell their landlord.

Why are you trying to kick OP? There are a lot of posters who seem to be trying to belittle her because she's young.

She's a lot more switched on than people are giving her credit for.

Sorry, I emailed my children’s advocate service who are ‘them’ who I assume would pass it on to my parents before they heard from anyone else. My grandmother is displaying signs of dementia so I thought I’d tell her before she starts forgetting... my close friends know because they are the ones who picked me up - figuratively and literally - after the losses. They deserve to know I think.

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM We got married with two random witnesses. It cost £60 for the licence. 25 years and a divorce later, I can tell you that it was £60 very well spent.

Wow. So you used your husband for cash. What a catch you are

@Cantwaitforsummer2020 the mortgage company because she’s not paid her mortgage off :-) we are actually paying more in rent to her than she is paying to her mortgage.

Wait until you've moved out to tell her, you don't need that negativity in your life. I've waited till I was past 20 weeks, no ones noticed and I'm naturally slim.

@fedupofdoingit And ‘all these people’ are 7 people

If MIL is a bitch and you're not actually saving any money by living with her (still pay rent and bills
and her kids eat your food) this begs the question: why on earth are you living with her?!

YABU to live with the woman, especially given the way she talks to your partner. That's so toxic.

Distance yourselves from her physically and emotionally. Think very very carefully about how much unsupervised time and influence you want her to have over your child.

@nsav Ah but it still means your MIL is the legal owner! Her name on the deeds

@Cantwaitforsummer2020 I’m not giving anyone no respect at all, so not sure where you’re getting that from...

She actually asked us to move here so we would be in the house for her youngest son coming in from school and she didn’t want him being picked up from different people every day while she worked. She also didn’t want us to buy a house without us having been together for 3 years or something?

Unsure what I’m ‘elaborating’ on I wouldn’t randomly post details asking for advice when I only have gave half of the info because then the advice wouldn’t be suitable for me? Nobody here knows who I am so god knows what I’m gaining from supplying false information

And as for fucking calling me IRRESPONSIBLE for LOSING 3 babies... the first was a very scary unplanned pregnancy but the next two were loved babies. I will just comment on every post with women having multiple miscarriages saying you called them irresponsible?! Imagine being young and being told you can’t have children to getting a glimmer of hope THREE times for it to be ripped away from you! Until 12 weeks I had a panic attack every single day and still have extremely
vivid nightmares of wiping and seeing parts of the baby on the toilet roll - it’s awful!

I am not ‘exaggerating’ a single thing in this story because if I was then the advice given wouldn’t be suitable to me.