To not want to tell my MIL I’m pregnant?

[nsav]

I’m 20 and DP is 24. This might make us sound like babies, but I work full time in a good job and am about to finish my HNC and start uni. He has a very successful business and even has people who work for him. We have also just bought our first house - 3 bed semi detached (very proud of us!) We've been together for 2 years.

Move in date is 21/02 to the new house and we are currently staying in the annexe of MILs house and paying her rent. She had 3 other young kids besides my partner - she had DP as a teen.

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and have told my work (nature of job) and my family. We have not told MIL yet because she wants me to be ‘32 with a degree and have travelled the world first’ she also says DP would be a ‘terrible dad’ and says all these awful things about how much she hates kids.

At age 16, I was raped. At age 17, I had a septic pregnancy and by the age of 19 I had lost 3 babies (1 septic 2 chemicals) and was being treated for endometriosis after finding abnormal cells and a large cyst on an ovary, the can’t see my other ovary. This baby news was absolutely amazing albeit a total shock!! We are excited for baby to come in July but honestly the thought of having to tell her makes me feel extremely unwell and the mental health nurse even feels sorry for me!

Tonight MIL was going on about how much she hates liars and people who hide things from her. There’s no way someone has told her about baby as people I’ve told are sworn to secrecy. She surely must know she’s had 4 pregnancies herself and isn’t stupid but why would you say such horrible things if you knew I was expecting?

AIBU to be scared to tell her?

@FudgeBrownie2019 is correct. It’s about control. Had the same with my MIL - got on swimmingly until we mentioned marriage. Then I became the devil! She will be livid that this is a permanent thing/her son has been “taken from her” etc etc. Don’t let it spoil things.

@FudgeBrownie2019 I think you’re right. She seems to love the control and even says to me to go get my degree and go travelling then have my kids at 32. Like she’s trying to map my life out for me, and because I don’t want that she’s obviously really annoyed. I just can’t believe anyone would act like this! Grow up! 🤣🤣

She sounds unhinged

Well it’s always good to be proved right ...

Congrats on the baby and I hope you’re enjoying your new home

Lol I went travelling, had my kids in my 30s, and now I’m the menopausal mother of three moody teenagers. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

She has realised also she is going to lose her taxi, childminder cook and snack provider very soon too.

Congratulations on making it to your 20 week scan after everything . You must feel so proud of yourself and any stupid childish thing your mil does just reflects so badly on her not you. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, the joyful bits like the first kick are only around the corner.
I had my first Child at your age too. My DH and I now enjoy travelling now we are older and can do it in more comfort. You don't have to travel just when you are young. Yeah , I missed out on interailing but we did an equivalent a few years ago and loved it.

Life doesn't stop when you have a baby , it changes of course immensely and then as that child or children get older it changes again.

Many congratulations again

Congratulations to both of you. What a bitch she is. Try not to let her upset you

She’s awful.

I had children young and when I could because of endo and adeno. I understand @nsav.

You sound well ready for this baby. People on here are utterly batshit sometimes.

And I’d just roll my advice at the patronising “advice” from the grown ups! 🙄😂

Thank you everyone! And @2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney this baby has been kicking lumps out of me since 16 weeks... and I mean full on kicking the crap outta me! The reassurance is great that he’s okay in there and seems to be enjoying it haha! I totally agree! I can’t wait until I’m 40 and my son will be 20, so we can go on much better holidays. We plan to have our mortgage paid off in 20 years so will be able to go on better, longer holidays. I’ve done enough travelling for now and can’t wait to pick it up again and go with our son when he’s older!

We have just told my partners granny and she is absolutely buzzing, so there’s that!

You are a star with that attitude!

Huge congratulations to you! She’s awful and clearly you were right not to tell her until now! Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and beyond

You sound wonderful OP. Many, many congratulations to you and your partner! I don't think your MIL realised how lucky she is to have a son and DIL that have got their sh*t together so much and this baby is so clearly wanted and will be loved.

She will come round eventually, but if she doesn't then it sounds like you have everything you need anyway! Good luck :)

I am 40. I had my youngest very late and my eldest is 15 now. If you were my sons partner I would be incredibly proud of how you’ve both done and very excited for you both.

Have huge congratulations from me. Get out, get settled, enjoy every minute. Sod the bitch.

Did you move out mid Feb @nsav? Could she be lashing out because she's totally lost all control of you?

What did your DH say to her ripping the picture up? I know you mentioned that he was keeping quiet to keep the peace?

Congratulations on your baby and remember that having an absolute cow for a grandparent is NOT better than no grandparent at all
And yes, get married. From what you say you think you are secure in case things go wrong with your BF but you really aren’t
Feel free to ignore everyone saying it but the fact is that once you have a baby you are more vulnerable if unmarried and your relationship fails. It may feel like that will never happen and hoped it won’t but babies change things and you are both so young you are likely to be different people by your 30s anyway. What’s the worst that could happen if you were married?

My mil wasn't happy when I got pregnant. Told dh she never wanted to be a dgm.
True to her word she has never bothered. Not seen ds since he was a few weeks old.
Her loss. Dc don't need toxic people in their lives. Related or not...

What a lovely woman.

I reckon she wanted you to have the life she wanted so she could live it through you.

Congrats on the Pregnancy.

I could understand your MIL being a bit negative if you had just met, didn’t have jobs or somewhere to live etc

But you are now home owners, both with good jobs and in a stable long term loving relationship. Congratulations to you OP!

I had my first at 23, second at 28 and third at 36, and been with DH for almost 17 years. There are relationship, financial, parenting challenges whatever ages you are, being 32 doesn’t do anything to guard against that because that’s just life!!

Thank you everyone for the kind words! It makes me feel much better!

And @Hoppinggreen we are going to get married after we’re settled in to the house, I suggested it and he looked at me like ?!? Do we need anything else on our plate just now hahaha! I don’t blame him to be fair! I totally agree it’s best to be married as exactly what you said happened to my parents and my mum walked away worse off!

Right now that’s all sorted out now comes the difficult bit.... what are you going to name the baby! 🤣
Seriously congratulations you sound like you’ve got your head screwed on.

@nsav congratulations you deserve every drop of happiness coming your way and do not let anyone make you feel guilty! Your mil sounds well fucking barking mad poor you, she sounds like a nightmare

I'm so sorry that she had that reaction op but I just wanted to say that you sound absolutely lovely and well done to both you and your partner for having your heads so screwed on . Congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing you both all the best in your new home

Congratulations Op, glad everything's ok.
I agree with PP don't pander to her, just ignore her now. She knows the news and if she can't be happy then it's her loss.
Enjoy the rest of the pregnancy with the positive people in your life and forget her. X

It sounds like her reaction is more about her and her issues than it is about you. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and sorry you're having to deal with this.

Congratulations. It's not clear from your update if you have moved out - if so, brilliant.

If not, just ignore, ignore, ignore. She does not get to be the boss of you.

One of the best bits about having kids is you no longer have the time or energy to give a fuck about everything - you have to be selective. Save it for what really matters.

On a serious note, just arrange a simple civil ceremony before the baby arrives. £60, two witnesses and a pub meal afterwards. You can always have the whole white wedding party at a later date. It helps both of you out, not least for inheritance tax and guardianship rights.