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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

543 replies

Bernetteyog · 28/01/2020 18:01

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

OP posts:
Thoughtlessinengland · 29/01/2020 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Catsandchardonnay · 29/01/2020 07:50

I understand how you feel but it is very, very unwise to leave a flexible, well paid job to be a SAHM. It would be very stressful for your husband to be the sole earner, and whilst he seems to be expressing himself badly, he does have a valid point.

^^this

Also, and I mean the his kindly, perhaps it’s time to stop bf?

Thoughtlessinengland · 29/01/2020 07:52

I have a peculiar feeling about this thread and the OP.

Smelborp · 29/01/2020 07:55

All the people calling reverse or suggesting the genders are switched - some women do earn more. Hmm

I was in almost this exact situation. Very flexible high paid job and main earner but the stress affected my health. Luckily my DH was supportive and I left. It has been hard financially and I did need to look at ways to still contribute to the household.

You’re a manager so are there skills you have that you could use in self employment, like being a virtual PA, a coach for other managers or a trouble shooter for small businesses (as some ideas). If there are any areas you specialised in - could these skills be used?

It’s tricky but your DH can’t force you to stay in a job that is causing huge stress. I would certainly put TTC on hold until you resolve this.

LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2020 07:55

parents paying for luxuries like cars, holidays, nights out and hair and nails

Phones, sky TV, cars, holidays abroad, branded clothes, new sofas, a new pram for every baby, tablets, laptops and fast food

Oh great. This bollocks again.Hmm

The people I know with two working parents are paying for longer term financial security, their pensions, getting their mortgage cleared early, private school, children’s hobbies, university funds for their children, deposits for their first homes.

I want my children to be as secure financially as they can be. I’m not pissing money away on hair and nails.

crispysausagerolls · 29/01/2020 08:00

Mixed feelings about this. I’m a SAHM but only because DH and I agreed this years before having children and it’s a dynamic which works for us, to support his long hours etc. It wouldn’t work if he wasn’t as happy with it as I am. But equally, it’s not right for you to do a job you dislike for the sake of luxuries you do not care about giving up. Not really sure what the compromise it - BUT - what I am sure about is you should not be having another baby if you cannot agree on such a fundamental issue.

Quartz2208 · 29/01/2020 08:02

Yes I have a weird feeling too just one post like this
Anyway all decisions relating to how this works need to be joint taking into account all viewpoints and figure out what is best as a family

RedskyAtnight · 29/01/2020 08:03

I think what exactly OP has summarised as "cutbacks including having to buy a cheaper car and nice holidays" makes a difference.

If they have an amazing standard of living now, and it means a cheaper car and 2 holidays rather than 3, that's an entirely different scenario to having to cut all their expenses to the bone and never having anything that might be considered a "want" rather than a "need".

Not clear at all which it is. Unless DH earns a huge amount, losing the main salary entirely is more likely to be closer to the second scenario than the first.

Pennypops88 · 29/01/2020 08:06

Not many mothers I know are sahm, so I do understand his opposition as it is unusual and puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on the sole earner. Considering becoming a sahm is as ridiculous as flying to the moon for a holiday in my eyes!

Lots are part time while the children are young and then they increase their hours when the dc are all in school.

You need to work out how you can manage part time and then talk to him about it. Or is he able to go part time and take some of the pressure off you?

Sushiroller · 29/01/2020 08:08

I think Yanbu to want it.
But yabvvvvu to consider a second baby.

You and your husband aren't on the same page.
You'd also be foolish to leave high pay good flex when your marriage isn't stable imo.

Namenic · 29/01/2020 08:08

If it was necessities that you were cutting back on by dropping your hours, then you and DH would need to think carefully (though carrying on full time there would still be a risk of having a breakdown and long term sickness, which would make life even harder).

However - for luxuries, I think it would be more reasonable for you to cut down your Hours and working days at least - even 4 would be better than 5. This would hopefully make it more sustainable for you. If your DH wanted luxuries he has the option to switch career or do overtime if available (though he might resent this). I would say the same if sexes were reversed.

Radyward · 29/01/2020 08:20

Im sorry but you cant unilaterally decide this. If I stayed at home, my kids would have a differnt life, no childminders etc but it wouldnt be good for me ! Work is a social outlet too. I think its drastic staying at home full time and losing the mnain wage ! I would actively dislike the impact on lifestyle as your DH said. Nice things make life more enjoyable !! There needs to be a compromise here on both sides but honestly change jobs / reduce hrs but with only 1 child you can stay in work.

G5000 · 29/01/2020 08:23

What's the point in having a child to be looked after by someone else 40 hours a week and only see you for bed

have you asked your working partner that question?

ClappyFlappy · 29/01/2020 08:30

I would agree with him if you became a SAHP. I would be mighty fucked off if my husband suggested this and I then had to keep another adult.

I don’t think you’re BU by wanting to go part time though and I would feel very disrespected by him and his greedy, grasping attitude that you paying for holidays and cars is more important than your mental health and well-being . I do 4 days per week and as my kids are a wee bit older now it’s largely for my own well-being. I must admit in my current job I just told my husband I was doing it and if he’d prioritised material things above my mental health it would have changed how I felt and he’d have been told if these things were that important he could earn the money himself to do them.

TheDeep · 29/01/2020 08:30

According to half of the posters in this thread I can quit my job to become a SAHM and my husband has no say? He'll have to get another job to cover the loss from me quitting.

Are these posters deluded?

ShatnersWig · 29/01/2020 08:30

I knew the OP wouldn't be back - first time poster, contentious subject. I love the smell of troll in the morning.

Thestrangestthing · 29/01/2020 08:30

No matter how unhappy I was in my job, there is no way I would leave and let my family stuggle financially.

GoatCheeseTart · 29/01/2020 08:32

No it isn't at all. My grandma's generation all took care of the kids and the dad worked

and your great grandma? Mine certainly wasn't spending her days feeding ducks in the park and doing finger painting with her 11 DC.

ClappyFlappy · 29/01/2020 08:33

The people I know with two working parents are paying for longer term financial security, their pensions, getting their mortgage cleared early, private school, children’s hobbies, university funds for their children, deposits for their first homes

The people who I know who are 2 working parent families are doing it to pay bills and feed and cloth everyone. I wish we had capacity for all those things you mention. The odd hair cut and nail polish is cheap in comparison

Tombakersscarf · 29/01/2020 08:34

My grandma's generation took care of the kids as their husbands were fighting in the war.
What reflection does this have on today?

KatharinaRosalie · 29/01/2020 08:35

TheDeep, I bet if those posters would have a different opinion, if their DH came home and declared he is doing what's best for him and he has now decided to quit and be a SAHD.

NurseButtercup · 29/01/2020 08:35

I’d be seeking counseling to try and resolve this. And stop TTC until you do. Home finances should be a joint decision, neither of you get to make up the rules.

This is excellent advice

TheDeep · 29/01/2020 08:43

TheDeep, I bet if those posters would have a different opinion, if their DH came home and declared he is doing what's best for him and he has now decided to quit and be a SAHD.

Quite and it's telling that the posters who are saying that the OP can just quit and the husband can kick rocks haven't got an answer to the situation in reverse.

Whether the OP is trolling or not, they've done a good job of making some posters look as though they're on another planet.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 08:45

All the people calling reverse or suggesting the genders are switched - some women do earn more

Really? Wow! We didnt know that, despite lots if us being the high earner in their relationship. That's not why people are guessing this isnt quite a true story.

It’s tricky but your DH can’t force you to stay in a job that is causing huge stress

No he cant. He can refuse to be the sole or majority earner for the household. He can leave or quit his job himself. After all, she cant force him to stay in a job when its causing him huge stress.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 08:49

Theres been a steady stream of threads lately that seem to want to goad posters is to admitting that women think they have a right to not work and force their partners into financially supporting them. Or that women must be at home if they have kids and their husbands have the responsibility to provide that

All sorts of threads about women wanting men to financially support them, when the men dont want to, taking their exs for a ride etc

It's like they want posters to say

'Women should be at home and the men should be happy providing that'