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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

543 replies

Bernetteyog · 28/01/2020 18:01

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

OP posts:
SaphfireRose · 29/01/2020 08:50

I am amazed at the amount of people who act like it's a crime to be a SAHM, and that they couldn't afford to do that. There are many, many SAHMs on here. They manage! So it's doable. Clearly in the OP's post, it is very doable, they just wouldn't be able to take as many fancy expensive holidays. So it seems it is wants vs needs. No one needs another expensive car or expensive holiday. But people do need to pay the bills. If you can downsize your expectations and expenses and survive, then you can be a SAHM. I wonder just what some people's expenditures are, that they say they cannot 'afford' to be a SAHM. Unless you are living the high life, a single income should be quite sufficient. It is for many people I know. It's doable because if it were not, there wouldn't be so many SAHMs on this forum.

It's a matter of prioritising. What is more important? A big fancy car, a big fancy expensive holiday every year? Or work and life balance, quality time with children etc?

LolaSmiles · 29/01/2020 08:51

ShatnersWig
There hasn't been a good 'why it's my right to be a SAHM' thread in a while though. Smile

Come to think of it, it's been a few weeks since the last SAHM/WOHM thread too.

As an aside, I think some of the replies on this thread perfectly explain why posters who advocate women making informed choices before being financially dependent on a man get jumped on on MN. There's quite a lot of women who genuinely think it's their right to quit work and stay home whilst the man is the breadwinner and he shouldn't have any say because she birthed a baby, children need their mothers at home, and mums who aren't willing to stay home are clearly selfish consumerists who need to love their children more and possessions less.
Fellow women advising caution before giving up financial independence must be quite threatening.

TheDeep · 29/01/2020 08:52

But some posters are saying exactly that Shadyshadow in this very thread with no goading.

crispysausagerolls · 29/01/2020 08:53

Considering becoming a sahm is as ridiculous as flying to the moon for a holiday in my eyes!

What?! Do you mean for you personally, or in general? For many people it makes a lot of sense!

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 08:57

If you can downsize your expectations and expenses andsurvive, then you can be a SAHM

Not if your other half isnt ok with being the sole earner. Which they have no obligation to be.

But some posters are saying exactly thatShadyshadowin this very thread with no goading.

I have seen people asking why the high earner would be giving up work and how that's a bad plan

Theres so many threads with women who dont work with the tag line 'I didnt want to give up work, but he was the higher earner so it made sense for it to be me'.

Yet, even when the woman is the higher earner, it still makes sense to be them.

Its bullshit.

Thestrangestthing · 29/01/2020 09:02

The people I know with two working parents are paying for longer term financial security, their pensions, getting their mortgage cleared early, private school, children’s hobbies, university funds for their children, deposits for their first homes

Bloody hell, I better let dp know we are failing massively. Even with my 55 hours a week and dps at least 60 hours, we still can't do any of those things apart from kids hobbies.

KatharinaRosalie · 29/01/2020 09:03

I am amazed at the amount of people who act like it's a crime to be a SAHM

I'm amazed at the amount of people who act like it's the woman's sole decision and god given right to demand that another adult supports her financially.

zafferana · 29/01/2020 09:03

I think stating that you want to give up work altogether is unreasonable (and I say that as a SAHM myself). Why? Because this is something that has to be agreed by both of you - one (whether it's you or him) announcing that they want to quit work and live off a much smaller salary, thus completely changing the entire family's standard of living, is bound to cause a lot of anguish.

However, if you can make the same money on PT hours and were, in fact, working PT hours until your job got more stressful, I think I'd tackle the work situation first. Have you talked to your boss about how your PT job has morphed into a FT role again? Could you job-share or could your work hire someone else to take up this extra work that you've been saddled with? Because if you genuinely had a PT role, like you did before, and a lot of stress was taken away, I'm sure it would be bearable.

I do understand your DH's horror at you wanting to just give up work, particularly if you are the better paid one. My DH would've been horrified if I'd suggested the same thing. As it was, my salary was a drop in the bucket and it made much better financial sense for us to have one person at home and no childcare to pay for. But your situation is completely different.

SaphfireRose · 29/01/2020 09:08

I'm amazed at the amount of people who act like it's the woman's sole decision and god given right to demand that another adult supports her financially.

No one is saying any such thing, but if the other adult doesn't want to support her, then don't have children with her. Children are a greater responsibility than fancy cars, yachts and holidays. If the spouse wanted all of those things, they should have chose more carefully before having children. When you are married, one of you would naturally want to provide for the other and your children. At least I thought that was a natural instinct to want to do. It appears I was wrong and it is every man and woman for themselves, stuff the other.
If you can't stand the thought of providing for your SPOUSE, then don't get married and have children.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 09:11

No one is saying any such thing, but if the other adult doesn't want to support her, then don't have children with her.

People have said exactly that

'Just quit it's up to you, it your job's

Absolutely nowhere, is it written that it's a male parents job to financially support the female parent.

If OP wanted to be financially supported then she should have had kids with him unless he explicitly agreed to this, surely?

TheDeep · 29/01/2020 09:11

How about you both provide for each other?

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 09:12

When you are married, one of you would naturally want to provide for the other and your children.

Why doesnt OP naturally feel like that?

Or is her providing going to be staying at home? What if that's how he would like to provide as well?

Bluesheep8 · 29/01/2020 09:12

Part time hours on full pay??? Surely that can't be right? Which company does that?! Shock

SaphfireRose · 29/01/2020 09:19

Absolutely nowhere, is it written that it's a male parents job to financially support the female parent.

It has been the default position for a long, long time - until recently. So I think it is still the default position that unless decided otherwise the man provides for the family and should want to do that, it's natural. Saying a man can get a woman pregnant and expect her to work to provide just does not sit right to my mind. But now it's ok for men to shirk their responsibility. Apparently. Mind you, I have no problem with the woman working and the man being a SAHD. I just think people are very shallow these days and want to live a champagne lifestyle, while their children hardly see them. It's a matter of priorities. Many mothers (and fathers) prioritise their children over a big new car. And that is totally ok. I don't understand why that's a bad thing.

SaphfireRose · 29/01/2020 09:20

Why doesnt OP naturally feel like that?

Because she naturally feels like being with her baby.

KatharinaRosalie · 29/01/2020 09:20

No one is saying any such thing

There are plenty of posters telling the OP to do what's best for her and it's up to her.

SaphfireRose · 29/01/2020 09:22

There are plenty of posters telling the OP to do what's best for her

Telling a mother to do what is best for her and baby is suddenly a.....bad thing? I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe.

G5000 · 29/01/2020 09:23

Children are a greater responsibility than fancy cars, yachts and holidays

Yachts? Seriously?

Yes my DC are a great responsibility, that's why I make sure I can always financially support them. Oddly mine don't live on precious moments only.

Forestwitch · 29/01/2020 09:23

If you can't cope now, you won't with another child. He either needs to accept what you want to do, or he needs to be a SAHMP

Igotthemheavyboobs · 29/01/2020 09:24

SaphfireRose
I prioritise my child having a roof over their head and food on the table. To do this both DP and I need to work.

Maybe take your ignorant comments about both parents working so they can have nice cars and educate yourself that not everyone is in a position of luxury to be able to lose a full salary each month and be able to get by. Most of us are just getting by on two salaries.

TheDeep · 29/01/2020 09:24

Of course it's a bad thing when the husband isn't on board with it! Or is he allowed to quit his job even if the OP isn't on board with it?

LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2020 09:24

It has been the default position for a long, long time - until recently.

It absolutely isn’t the default in the UK now. Individuals provide for themselves unless that isn’t possible or another arrangement suits the couple better.

I just think people are very shallow these days and want to live a champagne lifestyle

Bollocks. People rightly take responsibility for themselves and their financial stability.

LaurieMarlow · 29/01/2020 09:26

Your very first responsibility to your child is a roof over their head and food on the table.

No that’s not the sole responsibility of the person with the penis.

Shadyshadow · 29/01/2020 09:28

It has been the default position for a long, long time - until recently. So I think it is still the default position that unless decided otherwise the man provides for the family and should want to do that, it's natural. Saying a man can get a woman pregnant and expect her to work to provide just does not sit right to my mind*.

It was the default because of sexism. Women also could have bank accounts and could be legally raped by their husbands until 'recently".

Time moves on.

A man in morally or in law is not obligated to provide financial support so his spouse doesnt have to work.

His obligations are to the children.

Because women are adult in their own right too

JacquesHammer · 29/01/2020 09:29

Of course it's a bad thing when the husband isn't on board with it! Or is he allowed to quit his job even if the OP isn't on board with it?

Unfortunately for the OP the husband seems very much on board with his own stress, but the OP has to deal with hers to maintain a lifestyle?

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