Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

[Bernetteyog]

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

Your boss pays you full time pay for part time hours, how come?

Just because mothers can be breadwinners doesn’t mean they should be forced into it by their husbands.

Neither should husbands be, surely?

Surely when you were ttc no1 there was the conversation of maternity, paternity and finances.

if you agreed as the major breadwinner to work, it is a little unfair to then try and pull the plug on the plan and expect your DP to be happy about it.

Once mat leave is over, you have recovered,not breast feeding and therefore not all the hard work is the mothers anymore.

If I were him I would be pissed off - my EX walked out when eldest was 4 and youngest 2. I was the main parent and main cash cow.Changed my work patterns and got on with it. Sorry little sympathy - I did not sign up to that either, I had been about to drop to 75% time when Ex walked out - instead his new partner went 30% form her 70%!!

You need ot have a discussion with your partner and should have had this prior to no 1. You are mad to consider no 2 right now.

"You should do whatever is best for you Op"

Should she, fuck?

Her H needs to work for the family but she should think of #1?

Don't ttc not until you'vesorted this. If work is effecting your health, that should trump his holiday need. To give it up completely would just transfer all the stress to him so i understand if he was against that but part time (if you can afford it) is a good compromise.

If you ever do have 2 dc, part time will allow you 30 free hours and be less in childcare. Your husband would have to accept that with the increased costs of 2 holidays would likely lessen anyway.

Your husband is a cheeky fucker. Easy for him to insist on his holidays and his nice cars when you are the one bearing the babies and breastfeeding and shouldering the physical side of creating a family, and you are clearly feeling the stress of trying to combine motherhood with a demanding job that involves travel.

He needs to take your feelings on board and he needs to recognise the imperatives arising from his own tastes. If he wants the holidays and the nice car, he needs to get a job that will allow him to afford all that for himself.

It's not fair to chide the OP for the assumed lack of discussion before the baby was born. Deciding ahead of the arrival of the baby that you will both keep on working at a certain level is all right and mighty fine until you are bleary eyed from lack of sleep, or suffering from PND, or finding the stress of too many hours away from your baby too much. There has to be room for flexibility when it's not working out for one or both of the parents. Insisting on the OP keeping her job because he won't compromise on his car or his holidays is not right.

Stop the TTC. None of the description of the H's attitude here bodes well.

Interesting that the OP hasn't returned.

Anyway, nobody gets to make unilateral decisions that affect household finances and nobody gets to decide to make someone else financially responsible for them.
There's no free pass for having a baby that makes it acceptable to say "suck it up because I'm leaving my job" and it's worrying how many people on this they seem to think that would be acceptable.

It actually depends on the division of labour with in the house hold if the split is 90/10 then expecting an increase to full time is exponentially tricky

Compromise you'll keep your job add one day working from home if he looks for a better job to lessen the impact

You are also breastfeeding you must be exhausted is the partner with all the grand expectations doing their fareshare ?

Sorry but YABU, if DH suddenly announced he was going to be a SATH parent and we'd live of me going out everyday to work to support everyone then I'd chuck him out.

OTOH if he went part-time so he still earned, so he still had a job to go back to, so he still kept current then it would be different and I'd support it - although I would try to knock a day off my week too so we'd both be doing some SAHP time.

It's not fair for either parent to decide they want to be a SAHP, imo. That's a joint decision. If your employer is happy for you to do part time hours then do that and make sure you stick to it. Don't take on extra workload, pay rise or not. If you all get by happily on the money that you both earn at the moment then stick to part time.

Does your husband have any potential for a pay rise or promotion? Perhaps another job? Easier said than done obviously but just in case he's so busy focussing on your work that he's not really thought of his own potential.

I'd stop trying to conceive whilst this is all an issue though. A second child will just make it all the more stressful and bring you no further forward.

Obviously you're pretty important where you work.

How is the household work split at home?

I would negotiate for 2 days work from home. Hire a housekeeper.

@Berrymuch

One of me on the the thread? I didn't say a parent around 24/7

I said time with a parent. If for example you work evenings and the other works full time that's good. Or 2+3 days a week but you have 4 days off a week that's good. I understand plenty of people can't do this due to high rent. But without focusing on parents paying for luxuries like cars, holidays, nights out and hair and nails, a child deserves an available parent for a good chunk of time before starting school.

We can agree to disagree but parents are the first people a child develops a relationship with. It's our job to shape them and invest in them. They need our love and time so they can thrive as they go through school.

This is a new attitude that's developed since women have been working more and more. But children have always needed some time with mum or dad. I mean in the nicest way possible. What's the point in having a child to be looked after by someone else 40 hours a week and only see you for bed.

I know people who are dragging their toddlers out of bed at 5am to get them to child minders or nursery before work. Then they pick them up at 5pm and it's tea and bed. That's it. They don't get to go for walks to the park and feed ducks with mummy. They don't go swimming with mummy. They don't get a sofa day when they are full of cold and mummy to snuggle them.

I'll get totally slated for it. But I couldn't do it. Yes part time if I needed too. But until they are at school I think it's important that they have me around. As already stated I'm not saying people don't have to work. I'm saying is the op can invest more in her child's early years then she should.

Also life is to short. I know when I'm old I will be glad I did it. I think people have forgotten that abit of nursery is great for development but also being at home with a parent is also a huge positive. 60 years ago plenty of children stayed home with mum and did great! It's just the way the government has changed it. Also plenty of people hate having to go back to work when they have such young kids. More needs to be done to give parents options. That said you do need to cut back for a couple of years!

This is a new attitude that's developed since women have been working more and more. But children have always needed some time with mum or dad.

Mums and dads have always worked, a SAHM dedicating all their time to children is a very recent invention.

I think you look for another job which has both the salary and the hours you want. I don't think it is reasonable to give up a good job if it will have an impact on your standard of living. What would happen if your dh lost his job down the line? How about you take a step back at work or move to another role which doesn't require travel etc?

MadCatLadyForever My thoughts exactly!

No it isn't at all. My grandma's generation all took care of the kids and the dad worked. There wasn't nurseries etc back then. Families admittedly helped eachother more. They often had big families too.

It's the greedy consumerism that's the issues.

Phones, sky TV, cars, holidays abroad, branded clothes, new sofas, a new pram for every baby, tablets, laptops and fast food.

People used to be happy with what they had. They got on with it and looked after their families.

I'm sure if we got rid of luxury by half plenty of mums could work part time instead of full.

Not to mention people don't buy a house now. They used to save before they moved out. Now it's renting. Renting is so expensive (unfairly)

My mortgage is £400 a month. My friend rents on the same road £650 a month. That's an extra £250 right there

ScaredMumxx I agree with you ,and have also been a SAHM for a long time .The point is the OP is also saying thats what she wants to do but her DP is having none of it! I think a lot of people assume they will be able to return to the workplace once DC start at School ,but many jobs dont allow for long School holidays and so on ,and normally the newest person in gets the least choice of Working hours .If DP not in agreement and she leaves her job what happens then?

No it isn't at all. My grandma's generation all took care of the kids and the dad worked.

Which is relatively recent, as the op says.

Going back further in time, most women would have been working-hard physical work in many cases. Children would have been looked after by them anyway or by extended family.

It's the greedy consumerism that's the issues.
Phones, sky TV, cars, holidays abroad, branded clothes, new sofas, a new pram for every baby, tablets, laptops and fast food
People used to be happy with what they had. They got on with it and looked after their families
I'm sure if we got rid of luxury by half plenty of mums could work part time instead of full
Of course the rising cost of living, below inflation pay increases have nothing to do with an increasing number of households needing two incomes.
Then maybe add in that many women might just WANT to have a life that's more than scraping by, running a household and being financially dependent on their partner/husband (and it's very risky for women to become financially dependent on a man without marriage).

But hey, let's look back to the good old days where women knew their place and their main purpose in life was raising children.

G5000 Sure Mums /Dads have Always worked ,but with less stressful jobs .In theory women can and should be able to do high powered jobs, but the reality of juggling stressful workloads and young children/home life can be very difficult as illustrated here .When you are used to a certain lifestyle it can be difficult to step away ,and take a drop in your standard of living as her OP is obviously not keen on.

Flexible jobs where you’re held in high regard aren’t ten a penny. You should both go pt, if you worked 3 or 4 days a week even if it meant they had to promote someone else it’s better than giving up. At some point you will want to step up again and harder to do after a long period out.

Completely SAHP is hard in a different way to work.

I think we should take gender out of it.
In basic terms 1 person doesn't want to work full-time meaning standard of living for the entire family drops .
Hate to say but if a man tried this he would be slated.

You should do what makes you happy. If it's doable then tell your partner your her mum and want to go part time so you can have a couple of days with her. You only get this next two years and then that's it you loose them to education 30 hours a week. Although by then it's a welcome relief (joke haha) my DD was ready for school though!

You must do what you feel is best.

@Scaredmumxx and if he decides the same?