Husband won’t let me be SAHM or part time

[Bernetteyog]

Hello! So.. me and my husband are really struggling at the moment. I have one child and I have been back to work 18 months (also ttc no 2). I’m the main earner in our household but I have a highly stressful managerial job.
Since having my daughter I have want to be a sahm or part time. My employer was happy for me to do part time hours on full pay (which was great) but not I have more workload and I need to do full time hours plus travel (I’m still bfing). The additional workload will bring a large pay rise. I am highly stressed in my job and it’s effecting my health. I have explained this to my husband but he does not want me to leave my job as it is flexible but doesn’t understand the stress and desperation to spend more time with my daughter.
We have massive arguments about it. He said I will ruin our lives as we will have no money, have to get a cheaper car. He say the situation is making him ill. We could afford to live on my husbands salary but would have to make cut backs but my husband likes nice holidays etc. I really don’t know where to go from here. Thank you

I think he is a bit cheeky, go part time, tell him to get a better job.

Scaredmum

I'm like you, two of ours have left home now, though, only dd left.
Thinking of downsizing, but have the grandkids now. As they grow in numbers I can see my home becoming a nursery.
sahm to sahg.
It's just a philosophy though, the same as any other. Not right or wrong.

I'm confused too. We all need more info to be able to make an informed decision and thus a comment.

The OP’s DH is the one being unreasonable expecting her to remain the higher earner with the more stressful job after all the additional pressures of motherhood.

She’s telling him it’s too much and is affecting her health and he seems to not give a shit because he wants to maintain his lifestyle, or rather he wants HER to maintain his lifestyle

Why can’t he get a better paid job? Work more hours? Work two jobs? If lifestyle is more important to him than his family’s health and wellbeing

If he's the lower earner, let him be a SAHD.

Seven pages of comments in nearly three hours First time OP not returned to thread. Very suspicious and not worth commenting on.

It's a household decision . I think you're selfish to give up a job because you want to be a sahm. Many, many women have to go back to work. I don't even know why you are contemplating another when you are struggling and may have to go back to work.

And the award for irrelevant judgemental rant of the thread goes to.... @Scaredmumxx! Congratulations!

Disagree with practicallyspeaking.

Been there done the pregnant, breastfeeding etc etc with high powered job. It’s not that hard. Really it isn’t. And not all my pregnancies were easy- most had some complication or other.

You are just peddling sexist stereotypes that pregnant women cannot do a high powered job. That mothers cannot be breadwinners. That real men have to “step up” and be the primary earner.

Both you and OP are taking the piss thinking that because they gestate the baby, that gives them the right to not work or work very little and live off a man.

There’s a massive difference between part time and giving up work entirely.
In a family I do think neither party should unilaterally decide on or impose big decisions like that.

Definitely hold off on ttc though

Been there done the pregnant, breastfeeding etc etc with high powered job. It’s not that hard. Really it isn’t

Crikey. Did you mean to be quite so gauche?

I’m wouldnt like it if dh left his job or drastically reduced his hours and I’m sure he’d feel the same if I did. I think being the sole provider for a family must be quite stressful.

There will be many years when you can have a better car/fancy holiday, etc. Time with your kids is limited and - in my view - far more important.

For your own health, if nothing else, I would cut down on hours or find a different job.

Jacques

Maybe not? But honestly it is easier to be pregnant, breastfeeding, mother with a high powered senior management job than a lower status job. Because employers are more willing to allow you flexibility to pump (plus private office space to pump), time off for doctors, ability to work from home or come in for a few hours on the weekend, or pay airfare to fly breastfeeding baby and a nanny with you on a business trip. Some employers even have onsite day care so you don’t even have to pump...you can take a half hour break every four hours and physically breastfeed.
It’s much much harder for pregnant/breastfeeding/mothers in lower status jobs. They don’t get the flexibility from employers or the pay to fund things like a nanny.

Of course. Unfortunately your post came across as “I’m womanning soooooo much better than you all”.

Easy for one person doesn’t extrapolate into easy for another. That’s fairly plain!

And I say this as someone who had an easy pregnancy, generous maternity package (massively so!) and didn’t need to return to work.

Can you take some parental leave, take 2 months off and just spend time with your child. See what it is really like on one salary and then take your time to really go over the figures.

Take the heat out of this, stay at home for a block of leave and do not leave your job.

Drop down to a 4 day week after taking the block of parental leave of you want. But do not give up your job without trying every other solution first.

Your husband sounds unreasonable. He doesnt really get what you are trying to say, that you miss your daughter.
So, Just tell him what you decide, and say that's what is happeneing, that's what work have offered you and thats what's on the table. Good luck.

And the award for irrelevant judgemental rant of the thread goes to.... @Scaredmumxx! Congratulations!

The only one ranting is you @LisaSimpsonsbff. People are allowed a different opinion even if unpopular

What @PutYourLipsTogetherAndBlow said. Women should be cut some slack, they go through hormonal changes during pregnancy, then pregnancy itself, then they are encouraged to BF which is no ride in the park, some of them suffer from PND which they can't deal with or still have to get on with life because they have to work. The only thing men go through is that they have a responsibility of a baby. This might not be a popular opinion but it's a fact. Men and women are not same, not physically nor emotionally. OP your husband is being selfish and not actually considering what you are going through. You both need to come an agreement here because you should not force your decision on him but you have the right not to try for another child atm.

For me it would depend how much he parents, does housework,shares the mental load etc.

If it's pretty 50/50 then more discussion is needed and finding a compromise where both parties are reasonably happy.

If he does very little ( why does he need OP's job to be flexible) then 1.he is a dick 2.he can either step up at home or deal with the decrease in income and 3.I would definitely not be having a second child with him.

'Just tell him what's happening' - like several PP have asked, what if the DH does the same? Decides to be a SAHD and tells OP that's what's happening, nothing you can say about it?

Personally I dont think that as a woman you have the right to be a SAHM or part time any more than your husband does. All parents in my experience, in terms of my family, want to be at home with their children more whether they are Male or Female. I therefore think that it is a discussion that should be had as a couple and the decision made as a couple. If he is really unhappy with you doing it anyway then of course he could go elsewhere... but then that wouldnt help you either as then youd likely need to work even more.

@PlanDeRaccordement maybe you found it easy to be the breadwinner and a mother but that doesn’t mean that everyone does, or that everyone HAS to do it. What happened to CHOICES for women?

I’ve also been there done the pregnant, breastfeeding etc etc with high powered job. I was earning 100k when I got pregnant with DD and then went to another job also earning 100k when she was 18-36 months where I had to speak 3 languages as part of my job and couldn’t miss a single deadline because they were laid down by international treaty, and had the pressure of state governments making complaints if I made mistakes. For me it was very hard and very stressful.

Just because mothers can be breadwinners doesn’t mean they should be forced into it by their husbands.

If someone is completely unreasonable (her husband, refusing any other solution) then she will have to tell him what is happening because he will drive her to a breakdown.
She needs to take a step back and see how she can balance everything without over reacting and leaving a good job right now.

Try every other solution first before leaving your job.
Take time off a block of leave, a 4 day week, whatever you need to do now. God luck.

I guess having that second child will force the issue 🤷‍♀️
Or create even more resentment as it usually does. You don't think it's important to come to a decision BEFORE adding another kid?

What was decided before having children? Would he be the sahp to alleviate some of the pressure on you? Has there been any compromise on either side? There must be more than he just won't 'let' you?

Personally, I would not give up a flexible, well paid job. I'd do what i could to make it work.

If you can't come to a compromise now, you may well need that job down the track.